The word “boundaries” gets thrown around often. What even are boundaries? Simply put, boundaries are guidelines or limits that send others a clear message. Boundaries are important for establishing a healthy relationship. Some of your current relationships may be lacking some boundaries at this time. It is not impossible to establish new boundaries, however it will take work, determination, and respect. Creating boundaries with family and friends can be very difficult. You have had a certain relationship with these individuals for months or years, and making changes in relationships is not a simple task.

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Many people have had experiences with people trying to control them in their lives. It can be common to confuse boundaries for control. Creating boundaries and attempting to control situations or people are not the same. Boundaries will help all parties of the relationship in healthy ways. The desire to control comes from feelings such as anxiety or fear. When in control, the only way these individuals can feel at peace is to control people or situations because otherwise it feels as though everything will fall apart. If you are experiencing these feelings, or have a close relationship with someone who exhibits control, it is important to seek help from a licensed psychotherapist in order to develop healthy coping tools. It’s possible to try to implement boundaries with those people in your life, but it will be a little more difficult.

There are many different thoughts and ideas on how to build boundaries. Here are some tips and tools that can help you to begin the process.

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RESPECT YOURSELF AND OTHERS

One of the most important steps in developing or enhancing boundaries is understanding how to give respect to yourself and others. Growing up, everyone learns how to respect people differently, which is why relationships can struggle at times. Accepting people for who they are can be difficult at times, but that can often help you in making healthy steps forward. It’s important to keep in mind that you cannot control anyone, you can just control how you behave, and how you respond. For example, if you get into an argument with someone, you can either end the relationship for good, or you can resolve the argument and move forward.

It is expected that you won’t always agree with a significant other, parent, family member, or friend, but you can let them know that you hear them, even though you do not agree. An argument does not always have to ensue. In fact, if you are able to set healthy boundaries and have engaging conversations, an argument will be more of a discussion or disagreement. Showing that you can move forward in those relationships is a huge sign of self-respect and respect for others. It says, “I am growing, I am learning, and I am trying to see other people’s perspectives”.

2. REFLECT

Self reflection is a key in growing personally and within relationships. Life can pass us by so quickly sometimes, and we can forget to reflect on who we want to be, and how we want to present ourselves.

Some important self reflection questions are:

What are some of my biggest strengths?
What are some of my areas of improvement?
What are my biggest skills?
What have I accomplished in my life that I am proud of?
What makes me happy? And what makes me unhappy?
Is there anything I could have handled differently?
How can I resolve some of the issues in my life?

3. LEARN ABOUT YOUR CORE VALUES

Understanding your core values can assist in setting boundaries with different people in your life. Core values can be things that have been ingrained in you since childhood, or they may have developed over time through different experiences. Journaling your values is a very healthy technique.

Some general healthy examples of core values are:

Commitment
Respect
Open-mindedness
Positivity
Passion
Good Sense of Humor
Loyalty

Identifying unhealthy examples of core values is as important as the healthy ones. You can find yourself continuing to connect with unhealthy or toxic people if you are unable to identify the values in your life that are not assisting you in growing.

4. ASSESS YOUR BOUNDARIES

Whether you realize it or not, all of your relationships have boundaries today. Some of those boundaries may be healthy, and some may be unhealthy. The healthy boundaries that you currently have are the ones that allow you to feel comfortable in your relationships. Your healthy boundaries are typically indicative that your relationship is reciprocal, and that each of you puts in similar time and effort into the relationship.

Some families can find themselves in an enmeshed boundary situation. Enmeshment within the family structure can be difficult to change, because often family members don’t realize that this can be unhealthy. Enmeshment can frequently occur when children are grown and your parents have a difficult time in understanding the change that is inevitable. As an example, if you are expected to attend all holidays with your significant other’s family of origin, and you have no opportunity to have your significant other celebrate with yours, this may be an indicator of an enmeshed family relationship.

Unhealthy boundaries can create a sense of powerlessness. A sense of control can be completely lost and you may feel as though you have no say in the decisions being made. Engaging in relationships with unhealthy boundaries can lead to unhealthy or abusive relationships. An indicator of an unhealthy relationship with unhealthy boundaries is if you are required to show your significant other all of your emails or text messages, and if you feel guilty for now sharing a detail of your day. The key here is that the guilt becomes overwhelming. It is natural to want to share your day with someone, however when the guilt starts to creep in, it can indicate control and manipulation.

5. SET THE BOUNDARIES

When finally sitting down to set those boundaries, one of the most important things to remember is to show respect. Although some situations may be more difficult than others, not showing respect can dismantle the entire boundary setting process. While showing respect, you can still be firm and clearly state your needs. It is easy to get upset, angry, or frustrated if you feel as though the boundaries you are trying to implement are not being accepted. Boundaries won’t always be accepted immediately. Being calm, firm, respectful, and clear will eventually help you to establish those boundaries.

Some examples of boundaries are:

Establishing appropriate times to have phone calls in a clear manner
Verbalizing the ability or inability to attend an event
Explaining the lack of desire or preference to be touched
Explaining the desire to be intimate, and explaining what level of intimacy is comfortable for you
Creating a clear time constraint when you are making plans with friends or family

One of the most important aspects of developing interpersonal boundaries is to remember that boundaries are meant to help relationships, not to hurt or break them. A therapist can help you to talk through the difficulties you may be experiencing in current relationships, and can assist you in developing healthy boundaries.