Gottman Method
The Gottman Method is a popular therapeutic approach to couples counseling. In this research-based method, interventions are rooted in the Sound Relationship House theory. The Sound Relationship House theory outlines nine components of a healthy relationship. The Gottman Method couples therapy comes from psychologist Dr. John Gottman and his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, who is also a psychologist. Together, the Gottmans pinpointed and tested the elements of a successful, enduring relationship.
The primary principle of the Gottman couples therapy is that a couple requires five times more positive interactions than negative ones. While positive interactions can heal and nurture a connection, negative emotions on the other hand, such as jealousy or defensiveness, can harm your relationship. Gottman therapy can help you and your partner develop the skills necessary for a healthy and prosperous relationship. Gottman couples therapy can help you and your significant other understand one another so you can effectively manage conflict, treat each other with respect, and ensure that your needs are being met. When you do hurt each other, the Gottman Method will pave a path forward, showing couples how to react and repair the damage.
The main objectives of the Gottman Method encompass the following:
Demobilize harmful verbal communication tactics
Enhance levels of esteem, intimacy, and fondness
Erase hurdles that trigger emotions of stagnancy
Foster an increased sense of compassion and understanding within the relationship
Background on the Creation of the Gottman Method for Couples Therapy and marital therapy
The Gottman Method is backed by research over the course of decades, more than 40 years to be exact. Dr. John Gottman, the founder of the Gottman Method, conducted empirical studies on over 3,000 couples.
One important finding in Gottman’s studies was that all long-term couples experienced arguments and had negative interactions. For couples who underwent the Gottman Method, the way that they navigated that negative conflict and expressed their emotions made all the difference. That is to say, it is the difference between couples deciding to go their separate ways or people staying together.
At the end of the day, it is important to know that conflict is normal in a relationship. Everything cannot be smooth sailing 100% of the time and that is perfectly okay! Couples counseling is effective in repairing your relationship and reigniting the flame, but you must have a realistic idea of what you want your relationship to look like.
Healthy conflict in a relationship can actually be a good sign. It shows that you and your partner have the ability to express your emotions. You can argue effectively and handle conflicts in a productive manner. If a relationship is abusive or toxic, it is advised that you leave that connection and seek professional support. But, if you have conflicting opinions on something minor, like the best restaurant in town for instance, it is a good sign that you feel comfortable enough to express your truest inner opinion.
When couples undergo Gottman couples therapy and remain together, it was reported that they had five positive interactions for every one negative interaction.
For the couples who split, John Gottman reported that they had high levels of poor behavior.
Gottman often refers to this poor behavior as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which includes:
Contempt
Defensiveness
Criticism
Stonewalling
This independent research conducted by John Gottman encouraged him to work with his wife. Together, the Gottmans founded the Sound Relationship House theory and different Gottman Method tactics.
What is the Sound Relationship House Theory?
In the Sound Relationship House theory, the Gottmans compare a romantic connection to a house. The idea is that there are different levels to a relationship as there is with a house and its walls and floors. In order for a relationship or house to be sturdy, it needs to be built upon a secure foundation.
There are seven floors to the Gottman Sound Relationship House. The layout is as follows from the bottom to the top floor:
Floor One: Construct Love Maps - A “love map” is an inner look into your partner’s world. In other words, you are learning all about your partner, from their childhood to their current likes and dislikes.
Floor Two: Share Respect and Praise - No matter who you are or how highly you view yourself, it is still nice to hear someone else, especially a romantic partner, say something nice to you. If there is a characteristic you appreciate about your partner, share it with them! Maybe you admire how funny they are or how they are hard-working. Whether it is a big reason or a small one, people in healthy relationships know how to communicate well with one another.
Floor Three: Bid and Response - When you need attention or support from your significant other, you make a “bid” to them when you make a gesture or verbalize how you are feeling. In response, your partner can turn towards that bid and fulfill your need, or turn away from it and essentially ignore your need. When your partner comes to you with their bid, you should aim to create a safe space for them, and vice versa.
Floor Four: Positive Viewpoint - The positive perspective floor is what it sounds like- instead of pointing out the flaws in your partner, you look for the positive attributes and what makes them who they are. It can be easy to pick apart your partner in a contentious moment, but that will not solve any issues in the short-term or long-term aims. Remember, it is not you versus your partner, it is you and your partner versus the problem you are facing.
Floor Five: Handle Issues - You cannot avoid conflict, so you and your partner must learn how to manage it. Everyone’s feelings and desires must be taken into account. Then, it is time to examine the issue and decide whether it is a solvable or ongoing issue. The way to resolve any issue is through healthy communication. If you feel that the conversation is becoming too heated, you can practice self-soothing techniques.
Floor Six: Fulfill Your Dreams - When you are with the right person, you have a partner for life who encourages you to go after your goals. Maybe you are finally going back to school to receive your degree or perhaps you are tackling a weight loss goal you have had forever in an effort to live a healthier lifestyle.
Floor Seven: Produce Shared Meaning - Now that you have successfully built all of the other levels of your house, you can move through the world as a couple. In this top level, you are building your inner world as a couple. You are building rituals and traditions together, from trying a new restaurant each week to having scary movie nights. These traditions and ways of life define you as a couple.
Unlock The Secrets to a Happy Relationship with a Gottman Method Therapist
Gottman couples counseling is a broad based therapeutic treatment, helping all couples of all ages in any stage of their connection. Perhaps you and your partner are moving into your senior years and dealing with the major life transition of retirement. Or maybe you are in a LGBTQIA+ relationship trying to navigate your open relationship. Whatever the case is, the Gottman marital therapy can help.
The Gottman Method can be especially helpful for couples undergoing any of the following conflicts:
Struggle with communication
Stuck in a loop of conflict
Infidelity
Specific difficulties (e.g., parenting, sex, money, in-laws)
Stagnant relationship
Regardless of what your specific relationship issues are, Gottmans’ Therapy highlights interaction patterns between you and your partner, and helps you create relationship-building and problem-solving skills together.
Transform Your Relationship: The Gottman Couples Therapy at Anchor Therapy
At Anchor Therapy, we have couples therapists who are also Gottman certified therapists. At Anchor Therapy, you begin couples therapy by having an intake session. Both partners are present at this first intake session along with your Gottman trained therapist.
During the intake session, you, your partner, and Gottman couples therapist will discuss several things, including your timeline for therapy, your therapy goals, and an overview of the Gottman Method.
Here are some things you can expect to go over in Gottman couples counseling:
Each partner outlining their history, relationship philosophy, and goals for couples counseling
Inspecting the relationship (this can be done by engaging in a discussion where you and your significant other disagree with each other)
Learning the healthy components of a relationship
Strengthening the respect and admiration that brought you both together in the first place
Coaching from your Gottman trained therapist on interaction skills and trust-building techniques
Building tools for maintaining your relationship’s health after therapy
If you are looking for surface-level solutions, the Gottman Method is not the answer to your problems. Gottman couples therapy goes beyond building practical tools for your relationship’s success, it also gives you profound insight into how relationship dynamics are created and nurtured over time.
As you will learn in your intake session, the length of Gottman couples counseling depends on your issues and their severity. Ten sessions is typically used as a benchmark for Gottman trained therapists to see how you are progressing and where you are in the context of reaching your goals as a couple. If you are a couple in crisis, you may find that you need sessions two times a week, or you may even want to seek individual adult counseling in addition to couples therapy.
Something to also note about the Gottman Method is its intensity. You should understand that Gottman couples counseling can be intense at times since therapy is an inherently intense emotional process. Your Gottman trained counselor will expect you to use the tools you learned in therapy outside of your session, almost like a homework assignment. You are not just attending a one-hour session once a week and that is the extent of your participation.
What are the Benefits of the Gottman Method Specifically?
The Gottman Method for couples counseling is unique. This Method highlights the difference between perpetual versus resolvable conflicts. Majority of the time, couples do not distinguish the two, but different problems call for different solutions.
When you understand this difference, you are in a position to change your connection for the better. By learning new ways to deal with conflict, you can replace negative patterns with more positive ones.
As mentioned previously, the Gottman Method is backed by a lot of research. The Gottman Method interventions are specific and evidence-based to ensure progress. Gottman couples counseling provides you with actionable steps. That is to say, you have a game plan moving forward. You know what to do once your weekly one-hour therapy session ends.
When you learn Gottman Method steps, it will help ensure success long-term as well. Even when you end Gottman couples therapy, you can continue to exercise the skills and techniques you learned in couples counseling which prevents you from falling back into negative patterns you previously had.
What Will I Learn in Gottman Couples Therapy?
The Gottman Method aims to improve three areas of a relationship:
Your friendship
Your ability to manage arguments
The creation of shared goals
Due to this, you and your partner will learn how to improve your interactions, moving them from a negative space to a positive one which will deepen your emotional connection.
In addition to improving your relationship and learning new, helpful skills, the Gottman Method also educates you on components of a healthy relationship. This gives you an enhanced sense of insight into your relationship dynamics so you can use the therapeutic tools you learned in a productive way, maintaining long-term romantic success.
How Can I Start the Gottman Method at Anchor Therapy?
WORKING WITH anchor therapy IS EASY
Fill out the contact form below.
Once you fill out and submit this Contact Form, one of our Intake Coordinators will respond to your inquiry. In their response, they will match you with a Gottman trained therapist on our team who suits your needs.
When your head hits the pillow tonight, you can rest assured that you are taking a proactive step in managing the emotional health of your relationship.
