The Gottman Method is a type of couples therapy and form of psychoeducation that comes from the work of Dr. John Gottman, an American psychologist and researcher. For over 40 years, Dr. Gottman studied and analyzed what makes a couple successful versus the times when there is trouble in paradise. Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, the wife of Dr. John Gottman, created the Gottman Method, or the clinical treatment framework. Together, the dynamic duo launched the Gottman Institute.
The Gottman Method is a distinct form of couples therapy. What differentiates this form of counseling from other types of therapy is the extensive scientific research that the Method is grounded in. If you are interested in learning more about the Gottman Method and how it may assist you and your significant other, keep on scrolling!
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Where to start with the Gottman Method
There are many components of the Gottman Method which can make this form of mental health counseling feel overwhelming. However, working with a Gottman therapist at Anchor Therapy ensures that you will have someone by your side and along for the ride. You do not have to navigate this journey alone. Instead, a couples counselor will walk you through everything, step-by-step. It is likely that issues in your relationship were boiling under the surface for a while, therefore your relationship concerns will not be addressed in one couples counseling session.
A core aspect of the Gottman Method is the emphasis on emotional connection in a relationship, specifically emotional attunement. Through this tactic, you and your partner will learn to attune to one another’s emotions which will lead you to better understand one another and deepen your level of intimacy.
While emotional intimacy can mean a lot of things, the primary focus is to form a deep sense of understanding according to the Gottman Method. This is thought to serve as the foundation for a healthy, fulfilling romantic relationship. Couples who are emotionally attuned to one another can handle inevitable life challenges and life transitions with ease. In long-term relationships, it is only a matter of time until life throws a curveball and you both have to deal with stressful circumstances.
Emotional attunement is unique in that sense that partners strive to comprehend one another’s emotions and experiences at a deep level. It is not simply listening to your partner. It is actively listening to one another while tuning into their feelings. Your response to your partner’s emotional expression should be rooted in empathy and validation. Having a high level of emotional awareness and responsiveness can assist you and your significant other in creating a safe, nurturing environment where you both feel valued and understood.
The following are some benefits of emotional attunement in a romantic relationship:
Enhanced emotional security
Stronger sense of trust
Resilience in the face of hardship
More relationship satisfaction
Deeper emotional bond
Better communication
Healthy conflict resolution skills
What are the three C’s of a relationship?
The three Cs of a relationship, according to the Gottman Method, are communication, commitment, and compromise. These are said to be the pillars that hold up a healthy, long-lasting relationship.
The three C’s of a relationship can be defined as:
Communication - This is the blueprint for any healthy relationship. From sharing your thoughts and feelings with your partner to expressing your needs, your partner can understand you, and vice versa. In the long run, this will help prevent misunderstandings. Our blog “4 Communication Tips Couples Need to Know” is a must-read.
Commitment - In a relationship, you must be dedicated to your partner. To make a relationship work, you have to be fully-invested regardless of challenges that may arise. Commitment to your partner and only your partner ensures that you will weather the tough times together. In a polyamorous relationship, things may look a little different. For more information, check out our blog “6 Benefits of Polyamorous Couples Therapy.”
Compromise - Finding middle ground in a relationship is necessary. This ensures that both you and your significant other can feel satisfied with the outcome. Being flexible from time-to-time and showing a willingness to make concessions will only better your relationship over time. Compromise is a great way to make sure that both of your needs and desires are being met and respected. For further guidance, read our blog “5 Ways to Solve Common Relationship Problems.”
What does Gottman say about marriage?
As previously mentioned, Dr. Gottman has done extensive research on what it takes to build and sustain a successful, healthy marriage. Whether you are newly engaged or have been married for a decade, the rules of a relationship do not change according to the Gottman Method.
A successful relationship is not devoid of conflict, instead, successful couples know how to navigate challenges together. When a conflict comes up, it is all about how you and your partner choose to navigate it. Do you show mutual respect? Are you using positive communication techniques? Is your emotional connection still at the forefront of everything?
According to the Gottman Method, there are the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” This refers to the four strongest predictors of the breakdown of a relationship:
Criticism:
“You never think of anyone but yourself! You are so selfish.”
Contempt":
“You can never do anything right. You are so pathetic.”
Defensiveness:
“It is not my fault! You do not tell me anything.”
Stonewalling:
When your partner tries to talk to you, you cross your arms, look away, and refuse to speak to your significant other.
For additional guidance, check out our blog “The 5 Major Causes for Divorce and How to Avoid Them.”
What is one indicator of marital success according to Gottman?
A big component of the Gottman Method is underscoring the importance of small, everyday interactions. This is referred to as a “bid of connection” - one partner seeks connection, support, attention, or affection from the other. What says a lot about a couple is how one partner in the relationship responds to this bid.
When your significant other offers you a “bid of connection”, how do you react? Do you turn towards them? Do you position yourself away from your partner? Do you ignore your significant other? On average, successful couples tend to consistently turn toward one another, building many positive interactions to sustain your romantic connection through tough times.
One of the biggest takeaways of the Gottman Method is the “magic ratio.” This principle is based on Dr. Gottman’s research on what makes a marriage or relationship successful. This ratio is the balance a romantic connection must have between positive and negative interactions. The magic ratio is said to be 5 to 1. That is to say, for every one negative interaction a couple has, they require five or more positive interactions to maintain a stable, happy relationship.
Some examples of positive interactions in a relationship include:
Active listening
Humor
Empathy
Showing appreciation
Affection
For more ways to build a healthy bond with your partner, read our blogs “Understanding the Five Love Languages to Improve Your Relationship” and “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
How to have a healthy relationship with the Gottman Method
The Gottman Method of couples counseling offers many key strategies that can be employed to ensure that you have a strong, lasting relationship or marriage.
According to Dr. Gottman, here are seven evidence-based ways to make a marriage work:
Build and advance your love maps
Your ‘love map’, as Dr. Gottman calls it, is the area of your brain that stores information about your partner’s life, from their hobbies and dreams to their fears and deepest secrets. If you have a detailed love map it means that you know a great deal of information about your partner. In other ones, you are more emotionally connected to them. Regularly checking in with your partner offers an opportunity for you both to update and enhance your love maps. Do not be afraid to ask your partner questions and show interest in their inner world to foster a deeper bond with one another!
2. Foster affection and admiration
Respect and admiration are cornerstones of any relationship. Affection and admiration are buffers against relationship stressors or any negative feelings that may arise during periods of conflict or turmoil. Expressing admiration and recalling one another of the positive times you had together can help you and your significant other sustain positive emotions, even during hard times.
3. Lean on your partner
In everyday interactions, do not hesitate to turn toward your partner. When your partner offers you a bid for connection, positively accept it! This could look like simply offering them a touch or acknowledging a comment they said. Leaning on your partner builds your emotional connection and fortifies your romantic connection.
4. Accept influence from your partner
Letting your significant other influence you is major because the primary point of this is that you trust and value your partner’s opinion. It also shows that you are willing to compromise and make decisions together. By doing so, you are sharing your power with one another. Joint decision-making gives way to a successful partnership.
5. Solve your resolvable problems together
While some marital conflicts may require the help of a professional marriage counselor, some problems are completely solvable on your own with the right amount of time and effort. Initiating these conversations may seem uncomfortable, but it will help your relationship in the long-run. This can look like gently bringing up triggering situations, and engaging in calm conversations about contentious topics. By doing so, you and your partner can find mutually acceptable solutions. A big part of this is also avoiding the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as outlined earlier in this blog.
6. Avoid being deadlocked
When you and your significant other are stuck in the same loop of the same disagreements, you are in a state of gridlock. Overcoming this deadlocked state requires understanding one another’s values and how that is supporting each person’s position in the argument. When you explore one another’s needs, couples can find a way to cope with their differences in an empathetic way.
7. Create shared meaning
When you and your significant other have a shared sense of purpose and meaning in your romantic connection, your relationship will strengthen. Whether this looks like taking on goals together or building traditions with one another, find what drives you and your partner. Talk about what your shared vision looks like so your journeys are aligned.
The following are just some of the numerous benefits couples will receive by undergoing Gottman couples therapy:
Better conflict resolution tactics
Better communication
Stronger emotional connection
More relationship satisfaction
Better friendship and intimacy
Resilience in facing challenges
A preventive approach to potential relationship concerns
To keep learning about the benefits of couples therapy, read our blog “5 Reasons Why Marriage Counseling May Be Helpful For You.”
Overall, the Gottman Method of couples therapy is a highly effective form of counseling for couples who are looking to get to the root cause of their relationship concerns and build a strong foundation of resilience for future life challenges. This Method is so successful because it is built on a mutual foundation of understanding for a relationship’s accomplishments.
The core methods of the Gottman Method involve many strategies, such as fostering an emotional connection; managing conflict; and enhancing communication. A vital component of this Method includes the construction of “love maps” where you share your partner’s inner world. What are their hopes and dreams? What does their daily experience look like? Try to place yourself in your significant other’s shoes to fully understand how they move through the world.
The Gottman Method provides a comprehensive framework for all couples, regardless of your background. Understanding the dynamics of your relationship and using practical relationship tools gives you and your partner the opportunity to build a resilient, loving partnership.
At Anchor Therapy, we have Gottman relationship therapists who can help you get your relationship back on track. We offer both in-person couples therapy sessions at our downtown Hoboken, New Jersey office, and virtual couples therapy sessions.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR HELP FROM A PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR TO ASSIST YOU IN MAKING POSITIVE CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE, CONTACT US
WORKING WITH US IS EASY
Fill out the contact form below.
Our intake coordinator will get back to you with more information on how we can help and to schedule an appointment. We will set you up with an experienced licensed therapist who specializes in what you're seeking help with and who understands your needs.
You’ll rest easy tonight knowing you made the first step to improve your life.
