In order for the success of any relationship, open and honest communication is a must. Relationships are emotional, therefore they rely on interpersonal nonverbal and verbal exchanges of communication amongst the people involved. Most relationships and marriages start out with the idea of success but, without putting in the work, a relationship can turn sour very quickly. When you share a child with your partner or are co-parenting, communication is even more important. If you just welcomed a baby into the world, check out our blog “Building A Stronger Relationship With Your Partner Post-Baby.”
Communication does not always come easily, whether you are discussing something with a romantic partner or co-worker. While some people have no issue communicating in a direct and respectful manner, other people may have trouble expressing themselves. If you resonate with the latter, it can be hard to maintain healthy relationships.
Continue reading to learn about different communication styles and how you can improve your conversations with your partner!
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, Florida, North Carolina, and Utah.
What are the 4 different communication types?
We use communication in nearly every environment, from our homes to the workplace and school. A simple gesture like you nodding your head in agreement when someone else is talking goes a long way in building relationships and sharing ideas.
When you learn and develop good communication skills, it can help you succeed in your relationship and other facets of your life. Before building your communication expertise, you must know what the four different communication styles are.
Verbal Communication
Verbal communication is the transferring of any ideas through speaking or sign language. This form of communication is one of the most common types as it’s used the most in relationships. You can think of speaking on the phone with your partner during the day or your evening debriefs in the kitchen. It is the form of communication that we are all the most used to.
The importance of verbal communication comes from its efficiency. Verbal communication can be supported with nonverbal and written communication.
2. Nonverbal Communication
Whenever you use body language, gestures, or facial expressions, you are exercising nonverbal communication. Nonverbal communication can be employed in a direct or indirect manner. For example, you may automatically smile when your partner compliments you since “words of affirmation” is your primary love language. For more information on the love languages, read our past blog “Understanding The Five Love Languages To Improve Your Relationship.”
Nonverbal communication can be helpful when you are trying to understand your partner’s thoughts and emotions. Let us say that you are upset with your partner and, when they are talking to you, your arms are crossed with your shoulders hunched. This can signal your sadness or anger with your significant other.
3. Visual Communication
Visual communication is the act of using videos, photographs, art, drawings, sketches, and more to show information. While visuals are generally not a big part of romantic relationships, visual communication plays its role in other facets of life.
For instance, if you are giving a big presentation for work, you may have visuals to aid you in your presentation. This can help provide context alongside the written information. Visual communication is also an important part of the learning process as some people are more visual learners.
4. Written Communication
Written communication is the act of writing, typing, or printing letters and symbols. This form of communication allows you to reference it at a later time.
While we may not be writing love letters to our romantic partners anymore, we are still interacting with them through writing on a constant basis- through texting. Whether you are writing a text message or picking the perfect emoji, written communication is common.
Are there different communication styles?
Absolutely! The way each of us expresses our thoughts and emotions is extremely unique. Before you can begin to work on communication in your relationship, you have to recognize that not everyone has the same communication style.
Here are the 4 primary communication styles:
Passive Communication Style - You keep your emotions inside; rarely say “no”
Aggressive Communication Style - Loud and intense; difficulty making real connections with other people
Passive-Aggressive Communication Style - Avoid conflict; often employs sarcasm and humor to divert from real, much-needed discussions
Assertive Communication Style - In touch with your emotions; knows how to communicate your thoughts and feeling effectively
A part of these main communication styles include the way that we respond to our partner’s words and actions as well. Your first reaction may be to talk things through with your partner. For others, you may want to give your significant other a hug. If you are struggling to figure out your and your partner’s styles, reading our blog “Understanding The Five Love Languages To Improve Your Relationship“ can offer some help.
Communication and relationships are all different. The first step in having effective communication with your partner is working to understand one another. Your partner may be telling you exactly what they need but, if it is not being spoken in your language, it can be a simple, poor act of miscommunication.
Why is it important to communicate well in a relationship?
Every healthy relationship is built on a good foundation, and a good foundation consists of healthy communication. Yours and your partner’s ability to express yourselves, your needs, and your desires is the greatest indicator of your relationship’s success and your personal fulfillment.
Expressing your emotions is great but, once you get there, you may need to rely on those communication skills to problem-solve as well. When you communicate with your partner, you are making sure that both of you are on the same page. With communication, you are a team tackling an issue together instead of one person doing the work and the other partner following blindly. Additionally, good communication gives both you and your partner the space to respectfully disagree on topics.
Every person has different standards when it comes to communicating with their partner. For example, you may have a higher standard for direct communication with your significant other compared to that of your friends or family. Regardless, the quality of communication in your relationship can predict how fulfilled you feel by the connection.
Every partnership needs open communication to overcome misunderstandings and get through hard times. Communication is the backbone of any relationship, supporting you doing great highs and difficult lows.
If you need help with communication in your relationship, the Gottman Method can help. Gottman couples therapy is a therapeutic modality that aims to deescalate verbal communication conflicts while increasing intimacy and respect. Your Gottman therapist will also work with you and your partner to create an increased sense of compassion in the context of your romantic connection.
The Gottman Method believes that communication is one of the most vital components of a relationship. The silent method becomes destructive while active and open communication can help build tolerance and high regard for one another. According to a Gottman-trained couples counselor, silence means that both parties have stopped caring for one another and are not willing to work on their problem-solving skills.
Talking is not just about disagreeing with one another or solving a conflict. Communication also extends to deepening your connection. When you know how to communicate well, you can voice the love, appreciation, and respect that you have for your significant other.
What is the difference between good versus poor communication in a relationship?
If you are trying to work on communication in your relationship, it may be helpful to avoid using terms like “bad” communication. At its core, the difference between healthy communication and communication that needs a little work and care boils down to your problem-solving skills and intimacy with your partner.
Now, let us bring this reasoning into your romantic relationship. When you are communicating well with your partner, you are addressing and solving your problems in a healthy manner while creating a closeness at the same time. On the other hand, poor communication can worsen pre-existing issues and create distance between you and your significant other.
Good communication can be shown by:
Paying attention to your partner’s words and actions
Listening to your partner when they speak
Listening to comprehend, instead of just listening to respond
Validating your significant other’s thoughts and emotions (by acknowledging their thoughts and emotions)
Asking questions
Valuing your partner’s opinion, even if it is different from yours
Not raising your voice at your partner
Poor communication can be shown by:
Interrupting your significant other
Acting in a passive-aggressive manner (e.g., punishing your partner by giving them the silent treatment)
Holding grudges
Tip-toeing around your partner to avoid hurting their feelings, getting them angry, etc.
Assuming your partner’s emotions
Sweeping problems under the rug instead of addressing them
Calling your partner disrespectful names
Raising your voice at your partner
Making threats
When you communicate with your partner in a healthy way, you can:
De-escalate a stressful situation
Stay calm when a problem presents itself
Apologize
Make your partner feel heard, seen, and understood
For a partnership to be healthy, communication is needed. If you fear that you may be in an unhealthy connection, read our blog “How To Tell If You’re In A Toxic Relationship.”
How can I improve communication with my partner?
Relationships can be extremely rewarding, but they can also involve some of life’s greatest challenges. While there are many factors that contribute to the success or failing of a relationship, communication is certainly a primary factor.
Here are some effective communication tips for couples:
Active Listening
Sometimes, when we are listening to a partner, we are not fully present. You may be distracted with a situation from work or you may feel a certain type of way about your partner’s emotions in the moment. In a heated argument, you may be impatiently waiting to pounce at your partner with a defensive statement or a rebuttal to one of their points. It can be easy to want to talk over your partner instead of listening to what they are saying and then responding. Because we are so quick to be on the defense, we are not receiving the other person’s words.
When you practice active listening, you are making the effort to slow yourself down and listen to your partner whole-heartedly. This may sound simple, but it can be difficult to put into practice. So, be patient with yourself, and express to your partner the new efforts that you are trying to make. The intention of your actions is important. For instance, if you had a long day at work and do not have the emotional and mental capacity to have a serious conversation, let your partner know. Then, you can table the discussion for another day when you can practice active listening and give the conversation your 100% effort.
2. Use “I” Statements
In any conversation with your significant other, your goal should be to own your feelings instead of trying to assume their emotions and claim ownership over them. You can do this by using “I” statements.
An “I” statement can look like…
“I feel sad when you do not answer my text messages.”
“I need more quality time with you without our devices.”
“I want to have a date night this weekend.”
You can also use the “XYZ” technique. This technique looks like: “I feel X when you do Y in situation Z.” For example, “I feel irritated when you leave your dirty clothes on the floor when you get home and change from work.”
In addition to using “I” statements, it can be helpful to check-in with your partner to explore their wants and needs so you can see where you need improvements.
The following questions can be helpful to ask your partner:
How do you feel when we communicate during a stressful time?
Do you feel appreciated and heard in our relationship?
When we are arguing, what do you need or want the most from me?
If you could alter one thing about my communication style, what would it be?
We keep getting into a negative cycle of arguing. How do both you and I contribute to that dynamic?
3. Share Appreciations
In a relationship, both you and your partner should feel valued and respected for who you truly are. When you are communicating with your partner, and especially after a conflict, it can be healthy to pinpoint what you appreciate about your significant other and communicate those things to them.
Even when discussing your problems, you should aim to make more positive statements than negative ones. When you share your appreciation, your partner will experience positive feelings.
4. Set A Timer
If you find that you and your partner are stuck in the same argument, it could be helpful to set a timer so you do not speak over one another and you can listen actively. For example, you can set a timer for five minutes so your partner can fully express their emotions, and vice versa. During this time, there are no interruptions from the opposite party. You and your partner will both receive undivided attention which will make you each feel heard and understood.
By both of you agreeing to set a timer, you and your significant other can voice your concerns, and feel a sense of control over the process which can lessen negatively-charged reactions and emotions.
A general communication tip is to try to listen and speak to your partner in a non-defensive way. Remember, changing behavior and communication patterns is a process- it will not happen overnight. Be patient with yourself and your partner during this life transition. Practice is key.
Try out the above communication tips and watch your relationship transform! Give yourself permission to make some errors along the way as it is all a part of the learning process. The more you practice the aforementioned techniques, the more likely they will become second-nature to you.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Office Manager at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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