Having a baby is an exciting, scary, and all-consuming time in the lives of any couple growing their family. As a marriage counselor, it’s important to recognize that a new baby also brings a new set of challenges. If you start to feel like your marriage has taken a back seat to everything else life is throwing at you, it may be time to consider asking for help to get back on track.
Where there was once time for your partner and your own personal time, the schedule may now be packed with feedings, diaper changes, chores, and what seems to be an endless to-do list. When every moment of the day has to be scheduled and you add a global pandemic to the equation, connecting with your partner could unknowingly fall to the bottom of the priority list.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with psychotherapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, and life transitions. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing telehealth (video/phone) sessions to residents of New Jersey and New York.
Here are the 5 most common issues that I hear from the exhausted parents who are looking for help with marriage counseling:
1. Loss of Intimacy
Adjusting to post-partum life will exhaust you beyond measure while bringing lots of firsts and joy at the same time. When you have so much on your plate, it can be easy to let months or even years go by without addressing the elephant in the room: your sex life. When you’ve just had a baby, there are plenty of things to keep you busy. You and your partner are likely to feel exhausted and overwhelmed with little free time to focus on the intimacy in your relationship. Add some hormones to the equation and there is no surprise that you or your partner are not feeling particularly sexy at the moment.
After a baby, things may seem a little different than they did before. Women often struggle with insecurities around their body and feelings desired for some time after the birth. It is important to openly communicate these feelings, and for your partner to offer support during this time. This openness with help you feel more connected over time, and rebuild intimacy. Additionally, there can be a struggle with not wanting to be touched after having a baby or young child hanging over you all day long.
Here are some helpful tools to help you and your partner start to re-ignite that flame:
Try using words of affirmation, appreciation, and complimentary language to show your partner you are still interested and find them just as attractive as ever before.
Initiating sex or intimacy should still be fun! It can seem like the only way to have sex is to schedule it into your busy schedule or ask your partner directly. Try to make initiation as spontaneously as you can, think about what turns you both on, and do your best not to make it seem like another item to check off on your chore list.
Talk about it! This one often gets overlooked when I meet with couples in marriage counseling. Sometimes it can be awkward or uncomfortable to talk about what you want from your sex life and how you feel about your struggle. Start with these topics to help you focus in on whatever may be standing in your way:
Your current sex drive and what makes you feel wanted.
Reasonable expectations for frequency with everything on your plate.
Any insecurities about your body or desire for one another post-baby.
Fantasies and turn ons…yes this is important and can help to remind your partner or spouse that you are still a sexual being with needs.
Things that turn you off are just as important. Approach this with compassion and transparency. Speak from a place of love and compassion to help lower your partner’s defenses.
2. Lack of Communication Outside of Baby Talk
You are on the go all day long when it comes to juggling the responsibilities of raising children, working, keeping a home, and maintaining relationships. With everything on your plate, we often lose sight of how communication patterns change over time. At the end of the day, if you and your partner seem to focused on talking just about what needs to be done around the house and the baby, you can easily forget about each other.
Communicate about things outside of your daily to-do’s and baby updates.
Remember to think of what connected you before and refocus on interests and your relationship.
If it seems difficult to shift your conversation, ask each other fun and thought-provoking questions..
Set aside 15-30 minutes at the end of the day where you disconnect from the world and focus on each other.
3. Learning How to Share Responsibilities
The most common issue that arises in marriage counseling is the issue of shared responsibilities for caretaking and home chores. Often, couples can fall into expected roles on who takes care of what on a daily basis. It is extremely important to be honest with yourself and your partner if you feel that you are taking on more than you like or can handle. The more you talk about your concerns or building resentments, the easier it will be to deal with family stress and minimize repetitive arguments at home.
Don’t get wrapped up in gender stereotypes, find what works for your relationship
Make a list of chores and think of what fits best in each of your busy schedules. To make it more fun, you can create a chore draft and change this up as needed weekly or monthly.
Compromise…you may not be able to find the perfect balance all the time. Work together to find a middle ground that works best for you both.
Be mindful of taking out your stress on one another, and focus on expressing your frustrations.
4. Optimizing Quality Time over Quantity of Time
Your schedules are packed these days and it’s harder and harder to find time to be alone as a couple. When your children are very young, especially during the baby phase, downtime can be hard to come by. Try to focus not on how much time you can find to be together, but rather focus on how you use the time you do have. We all need a break, so it’s very normal to find yourselves watching television or using electronics at the end of the day. This can give you an important break, but it doesn’t always help in finding connection with your partner. Quality of time refers to how you use whatever small pocket of free time you do have to connect in a meaningful way.
Non-sexual touch and body language can be key. Hold hands, cuddle on the couch, face each other when you are talking, and you will notice a real shift in your intimacy as well.
Ask open-ended questions to spark a more deep and engaging conversation rather than focusing on the content of what each of you did throughout the day.
Laugh together…try to find little things you used to enjoy that can remind you of what is special in your relationship.
Prioritize your time together, even if this means creating better boundaries with work and other relationships.
5. Forgetting Each Other’s Needs
As you already know, a new baby has lots and lots of needs that you, as parents, have to constantly remember. With so much mental energy going to their needs, it can be easy to overlook the needs of yourself and your partner. In marriage counseling, I hear regularly that it can be hard to ask for needs to be met when we see our partners so busy caretaking for others. It can sometimes feel selfish to admit you need more. Nurturing your child is extremely important, but it definitely is not selfish to also have your own needs as well.
Use your partner’s love language to show them you care. This can be small acts of service, words of affirmation, loving touch, and more.
Ask your partner what they need to feel connected, and be honest about your own needs.
Make decisions together as a team, this helps you both feel heard and operate as equals.
It is okay to need time for yourself! Your need may be for some alone time, and all you need to do is be open with your partner on how you are feeling.
Relationships will look at a lot different after a baby, and that is to be expected. Just because you are aware of this basic truth, does not mean you automatically know how to maneuver this new dynamic. When a couple is stuck in a negative pattern of communication and engagement, it can be hard to break that cycle. Marriage counseling, and couples counseling, is a great way to bring life back into your relationship. There is no shame in needing a little help to get out of a rut, and it can be truly freeing to have someone guide you on this journey. If you and your partner feel like you are struggling and need more help with what to do next, marriage counseling may be your next step. Reach out by filling out the form at the bottom of this page.
Lauren Mandelbaum, LPC, NCC, CCMHC
is a licensed psychotherapist practicing in Hoboken, New Jersey. She specializes in helping teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and life transitions through counseling. Lauren can help NJ residents through telehealth (video/phone) therapy sessions as well.
