A crucial component of a healthy relationship is understanding how to express love to your significant other. Getting to know your partner may take some time. The more time you spend with them, the more you understand their personality, likes, dislikes, and hobbies. Even though you may know your partner well, it may still be difficult to find a meaningful method of communication that your partner resonates with, understands, and fulfills their emotional needs. Therefore, Dr. Gary Chapman, an American author, radio talk show host, and marriage therapist, devised the five love languages.
As a marriage counselor, Dr. Chapman worked with many couples throughout the years and, in the 1990s, he identified a trend amongst all of the couples’ arguments. During marriage counseling, many couples would express that they were trying their best, but their compliments, gifts, and/or gestures were going unnoticed. The other partner did not even notice the acts that they were supposed to be grateful for. Instead, they were hoping that their partner would do something that they could recognize and appreciate. Dr. Chapman realized that these breaks in communication and affection were rooted in different definitions of love.
Dr. Chapman found five distinct ways that people receive and showcase love. Generally, people have one to two languages that they prefer.
The five love languages are as follows:
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Gift Giving
Physical Touch
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By you and your partner not understanding each other’s love languages, you may begin to feel invisible to one another. In other words, you may feel like your time and dedication are going unnoticed and are unappreciated. These hardships may be more common in relationships than you think. For instance, a wife may be upset that her husband compliments her caregiving skills, but never helps to pick the children up from school. Likewise, a husband may be frustrated that he cleaned the house, but his partner failed to notice. If your relationship is suffering from these classic cases of miscommunication, finding out your and your partner’s love languages is recommended. By knowing you and your significant other’s love languages, you will have a deeper understanding of one another and it can help you articulate your needs better so you are emotionally fulfilled.
Quality Time
When someone makes time for them and gives them their undivided attention, people with quality time as their love language tend to feel most fulfilled. Often quality time requires no outside distractions, like phones or a TV. While a Netflix date can be fun, make sure that you are dedicating time together without any distractions.
Canceling or postponing a date or constantly being on your phone when you’re with your partner can make them feel hurt. They may begin to believe that you place a higher value on other things or activities than them.
A quality time person may appreciate your gifts or compliments, but they do not immediately equate those acts as love. If you are experiencing tension with your partner whose love language is quality time, think about the last time you communicated with them with no distractions. If you have been busy with work or other obligations, they may be feeling disregarded.
Luckily, there are many ways that you can reconnect using the quality time love language. For instance, you can:
Try a new restaurant together
Schedule a weekly date night
Go on a walk together
Take an overnight trip together
Plan a romantic picnic
2. Acts of Service
For the person whose love language is acts of service, they may align with the motto, “Actions speak louder than words.” This love language highlights particular acts that display how much you care and understand your partner. These actions call for consideration, effort, and time.
For the act to be viewed as an expression of love, it should be completed with a positive mindset and the thought of your partner’s fulfillment in mind. Completing an act because you view it as a chore will likely give way to a negative response from your partner. It will likely not mean as much and may even upset your partner.
For example, people who prefer acts of service are not completing the chores because it gives them personal fulfillment. Instead, they are doing it because completing the housework or handling other matters is a sign of how much they care about you. They can feel hurt when you do not reciprocate their energy, especially during times when they feel overwhelmed by the tasks at hand.
Some ways to honor your loved one who prefers the acts of service love language is to:
Make your partner breakfast in bed
Take the dog for a walk
Do a load of laundry for your partner
Fill their car with gas
Grocery shop for the house
3. Words of Affirmation
For people who prefer the words of affirmation love language, words are viewed as the main form of validation. While you may express your love through physical touch or gift giving, your partner may feel neglected if they do not receive powerful, affirming words. Even if your relationship is going well, spelling out how you feel with words of affirmations can bring your partner great happiness and security.
The verbal compliments that you give your significant other do not have to be overly complicated. Most likely, a short but meaningful compliment will emotionally satisfy your partner. On the other hand, when arguments do occur, you must understand how deeply hostile comments can hurt your partner. It may take longer for your partner to forgive you.
You can give your partner affection by doing the following:
Leave them a sticky note that says “I love you”
Write them a letter telling them how much you appreciate and love them
Share something nice they did on social media
Call them randomly to tell them how proud you are of them
Give them compliments (e.g., “You did such a great job doing…”)
4. Gift Giving
While many people are quick to view the gift giving love language as materialistic, it is the furthest thing from it. For people who prefer gift giving, the gift is often less about the price and more about the thought behind it. The gift is a deeper symbol of the time that someone has spent thinking about them and their joy. Even handmade gifts can make your partner feel loved and appreciated.
Examples of the gift giving love language include:
Sending your partner flowers “just because”
Making them a photo album
Signing them up for a cooking class they’ve been wanting to try
Getting your partner their favorite snack from the store
Buying your significant other a new pair of shoes that they had their eye on
5. Physical Touch
While every relationship has some aspects of physical touch, for the person who prefers the physical touch love language, it is important to feel connected to their partner. This love language is about intimacy since your partner wants you nearby both emotionally and physically.
Over-the-top PDA is not necessary, but your partner does feel more connected when holding hands, kissing, etc. If your partner does not receive validating touch, they can feel neglected. Subtle touches are a simple way that can speak volumes to your partner. For instance, if your partner is upset, a simple back rub or a hug can make a huge difference.
Examples of the physical touch love language include:
Giving your loved one a back rub
Holding hands while you are out on a walk
Taking them out to dance one night
Give them a kiss or hug
Cuddle/snuggle with your partner
If you are having trouble identifying your and your partner’s love languages, couples counseling can be a helpful resource. In couples therapy, a licensed premarital therapist or marriage therapist will be able to guide you in the right direction for healthy communication and can help you identify your needs for emotional fulfillment. Relationship counseling can offer you and your partner a space to reflect on the ways you register and express love.
Understanding the five love languages can enhance your relationship by:
Improving communication
Increasing your connection
Preventing problems
Strengthening appreciation
One of the most important aspects of a relationship is understanding. When you truly love someone, you will be inclined to better understand how they feel the most loved, and how the five love languages can play a major role in that process.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is currently an undergraduate student at the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark, looking to study Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. As a Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy, Victoria is committed to producing content for and managing the office’s social media presence and blog.
