Narcissistic parents can be very controlling, critical, and possessive of their own children. One of the biggest fears of a narcissistic parent is that their child will become independent of them. In order to prevent this from happening, a narcissistic parent will humiliate their children or shame them.
A narcissistic parent may be self-centered and/or seek attention from external sources. If you have a narcissistic mother or a narcissistic father, you may wonder how you should interact with them and how your family will be able to function moving forward. Keeping a relationship with your parent(s) does not mean giving up your own mental and emotional well-being.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What Is A Narcissistic Parent?
It is likely you have heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD before. It is important to note that there is a difference between someone with NPD and someone with narcissistic traits. In the case of your parent, for example, they may be someone who has narcissistic personality traits, but they do not have NPD.
NPD is a mental health disorder where people have an enhanced sense of their own self-importance. They may not be able to have or showcase empathy for other people, and they have a strong need for the admiration of others. While someone with NPD or narcissistic personality traits may seem super confident, it is all a mask. Deep down, this person is struggling with low self-confidence and low self-esteem with even the smallest criticism of them being deeply triggering. For more information on self-confidence and self-esteem, check out our blogs “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?” and “The Ultimate Guide to Building Self-Confidence.”
Narcissistic parents also share some common themes, such as manipulation, selfishness, and narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic abuse is typically a form of emotional abuse that includes criticisms, threats, and accusations. A person with NPD may also gaslight you which falls under the category of narcissistic abuse. For support, read our blog “3 Steps to Survive Gaslighting.”
In alignment with narcissistic abuse, a narcissistic parent may isolate you from other family members, give you the silent treatment, withhold money or other resources, and lie about you to other people. The end goal of a narcissist is to control their victim’s behavior.
Some examples of narcissistic abuse include the following:
Gaslighting
Emotional abuse
Verbal abuse
Projection
Isolating you from other family members or friends
Threats of physical violence
Censorship
Instilling fear about the narcissist’s reactions
Constant criticism and insults
Making everything a competition
Love bombing (Check out our blog “Overcoming the Aftermath of Love Bombing” for support)
Invasion of privacy
Manipulative behaviors
Along with narcissistic abuse, here are some common traits of narcissistic parents:
Sense of entitlement
Lack of empathy
Desire to connect with affluent or well-connected people
Need for a lot of admiration
Self-important behaviors and attitudes
Exploitment of other people for personal advantages
Consistently seeking opportunities to make them more successful than other people
Read our blog “8 Tips for Dealing With A Narcissist.”
Do I Have A Narcissistic Parent?
To a narcissistic parent, having an independent child is a threat to their sense of self. Therefore, they may try to convince their offspring to live in their shadow and have several unreasonable expectations for their children. Having a narcissistic parent can mean that you never really felt loved growing up for just being yourself. Perhaps you were loved for your amazing grades or your dedication to playing and performing in a sport.
Many parents want to show off their children, have high expectations for them, may set strict rules with their children at times, and want their offspring to make them proud, but this does not mean that you have a narcissistic parent. The main tendency of a narcissistic parent is to deny their child a sense of independence, even if they are a teen or adult. The child exists just to meet the needs of the parent in the mind of a narcissistic mother or a narcissistic father.
Some parents may showcase some of the following traits and tendencies at one point or another but it may not be a major issue. On the other hand, if these traits and tendencies are persistent and the parent is not aware of how these behaviors affect their child, there may be some cause for concern.
Here are some telltale signs that you have a narcissistic parent:
Lives through their child’s life:
Most parents want their children to grow up and be successful but, for a narcissistic parent, they may not do this out of the love in the heart. Instead, a parent may push their child for gold so they can meet their own needs and dreams which is egocentric. A child’s thoughts, emotions, and dreams should be nurtured and appreciated. A child’s individuality should not be diminished because a parent is pushing their personal needs and wishes onto the child.
Superiority:
One of the most well-known traits of a narcissistic is their inflated sense of self and superiority. Many narcissists are conceited about who they are and what they do. As someone who is around a narcissistic parent, you may feel like you are not even treated like a human being with dignity and respect. Instead, you may feel like a tool your parent uses for personal gain. You may have even been taught from childhood to think that you are better than the other people you surround yourself with.
Marginalization:
There is a chance that your parents may feel threatened by all of your potential which is a direct challenge to their self-esteem. Therefore, your parents may continuously put you down to make themselves feel better. Your parents may nit-pick you, draw comparisons, invalidate your emotions, reject your successes, and cast you unreasonable judgment. The common theme with all of these behaviors is that the finger is pointed towards you- you are made to believe that you are the problem. By lowering your confidence, your parents may experience an increase in their self-worth.
Fake Image:
Your parent may love to show other people how special or unique they are. Whether they like to showcase their material possessions, show off their physical appearance, mention their background and memberships, and so on, your parent may go out of their way to gain ego-boosting attention.
Lack of empathy:
If you have a narcissistic parent, it may be hard for them to take your thoughts and emotions into consideration. In their mind, only what they think or feel matters so you may not feel validated. It is part of your fight-or-flight survival instinct to respond to this type of behavior from your parents. In response, you may stand up to them and fight to be heard. Or, you may run away from the situation, seeking refuge by creating distance between yourself and your parents. It is also possible that you adopt narcissistic tendencies yourself by creating a false persona to deal with the parts of you that are not being heard and valued.
Dependency:
When a narcissist has a child, they often expect that child to care for them for the rest of their lives, from emotional and physical to financial responsibility. Taking care of an elderly parent is an admirable thing to do but the way that the narcissist goes about doing this is manipulative. A narcissist may manipulate their child into taking care of them by making heavy sacrifices without taking the child’s priorities and needs into consideration.
Neglect:
As mentioned previously, a narcissist often becomes obsessed with their self-absorbing interests. These interests may seem even more exciting to them than parenthood. For example, your parent may have decided to rise in the corporate ladder while ignoring their responsibilities as a caregiver. Their professional efforts may have given them the validation and sense of self-importance that they craved. Because of this, you may feel like you were raised by one parent more than the other, or left to raise yourself completely on your own.
How Can I Cope With Having A Narcissistic Parent?
Having a narcissistic parent is a difficult lifelong journey. When you grow up with a narcissistic parent, you are exposed to hardships that can have negative effects in the long-run.
As the child of a narcissist, you may experience some of the following as a child or an adult according to the Newport Institute:
Anxiety (Take our Anxiety Quiz)
Depression (Take our Depression Quiz)
Low self-esteem
Self-doubt
Self-blame
Indecision
People-pleasing tendencies (Read our blog “11 Reasons Why You Are A People-Pleaser” for guidance)
Hardships with emotional intimacy
Codependent relationships
You may need to make some hard decisions when it comes to dealing with a narcissistic parent, including setting strong boundaries which may not be an easy thing to do if you were raised to be a people-pleaser. If you are unsure if you are a people-pleaser, check out our blog “How To Know If You Are A People-Pleaser and the Psychology Behind It.”
It may take time to figure out what kind of relationship that you want with your parent (if you want to keep a connection at all). There will be ups and downs along this journey. No matter what, it is a generally good idea to prioritize self-care and your emotional well-being when dealing with a narcissist, even if they are a family member.
Here are some ways to deal with a narcissistic parent:
Remind yourself who you are dealing with
It is never ideal to aim to change a narcissist- it is a tremendous task that will eat away at your time and energy. Even trying to communicate how you feel to a narcissist may go in one ear and out the other. Remind yourself that you may never ‘win’ in this challenge.
2. Understand that creating change is not your job
Unless your parent has recognized their narcissistic personality tendencies and wants to change, it is not going to happen. You will only end up feeling frustrated trying to change your parent’s behavior.
3. Do not isolate yourself
While your parent’s main goal may be to keep you isolated and feeling below them, remaining with your parent is one of the worst things you can do for your mental health. If you are alone with your parent, you do run the risk of them exploiting or ignoring your boundaries. You may find that spending time with your parent in a group setting offers as a type of buffer between you two, ensuring that they do not engage in hurtful or harmful behavior.
For more information on boundary-setting, read our blog “6 Ways to Set Boundaries and Enforce Them.”
4. Do not accept false promises
In an effort to lure you back in, a narcissistic parent may offer you things or make promises to you that they have no intention of keeping. Narcissistic people do what is best for them with little to no consideration for other people, not even their children. Therefore, it is safe to assume that your mother or father will not follow through on these promises unless they are actively trying to change their behaviors.
5. Seek external help
Seeking help from a family member or friend may be helpful, but speaking to an unbiased person who can offer structured support can be effective. At Anchor Therapy, we have skilled therapists who understand the nuances of NPD and narcissistic parenting.
We offer in-person sessions at our downtown Hoboken, New Jersey office as well as virtual therapy services to all residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
You can experience the following when working with a therapist to cope with having a narcissistic parent:
Validation
Understanding
Personal empowerment
Building self-esteem
Healthy coping skills
Understanding patterns
Clarification of reality
Healing from trauma
Exploring your own identity outside of your parent(s)
If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, you have faced a set of unique challenges that produce lasting mental health effects. It is never too late to recognize the traits and patterns of narcissism, and seek professional therapeutic support.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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