Scapegoating means that you are blaming a person or group for something bad that has happened or for something that someone else has done. Scapegoating typically occurs to protect the image of a person or family. In a family dynamic, a person may be used as the scapegoat to protect a more favored member in the family. While it is common for one person to be used as the scapegoat, it can happen to multiple people.
Scapegoating can occur in different environments, such as work, but it is most prominent in unhealthy family dynamics. In this case, scapegoating then tends to start in childhood when a child is blamed for all of a family’s dysfunction and problems. A scapegoat bears the burden of taking on the mistakes of a family or team.
When children are assigned this role at a young age, it can wreak havoc on their mental health. A scapegoated child may not believe that they are inherently good, worthy, or lovable. Instead, they hear insults regularly, experience constant bullying, and even abuse and neglect. This leads to a low self-esteem, decreased self-confidence, and negative self-talk.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Who Is A Scapegoat?
Not every family has a scapegoat, but we are all familiar with the term “problem child.” It does not feel good to be blamed for something that you did not do, yet it occurs all the time. So, how does a family decide who the scapegoat will be? Why do some family members always get the short end of the stick?
The family scapegoat is the person who ends up getting criticized, blamed, and shamed for everything that goes wrong within the family. There are many reasons why a parent or an older, more authoritative family member may choose a certain child as the scapegoat, even though the problems are not necessarily his or her fault.
Some factors of choosing a family scapegoat include the following:
Intellect
Birth order
Gender
Looks or appearance
For example, let us say that you have a narcissistic parent who always favors your sister over you. Your parents may do this because your sister is an A+ student who received a full-ride to a very prestigious college, bringing a lot of public glory to the family. In this case, you may be used as the scapegoat in your family since you do not enhance your family’s image as much as your sister. If you are in this situation or a similar set of circumstances, check out our blog “5 Ways to Cope with a Narcissistic Parent.”
Why Do People Use Scapegoating?
More often than not, scapegoating is used as a form of projection. A family member who is unfairly targeting you may be trying to project uncomfortable emotions they are experiencing (such as shame, rage, blame, etc.) onto you, so they do not have to feel their feelings. Thus, they do not have to deal with their thoughts and behaviors. When this person finds someone to blame, they do not have to take any responsibility.
Why someone, such as a parent, decides to scapegoat a child may not make sense on the surface. Generally, this is because scapegoating equates to dysfunction. If a parent does not identify as being attractive, for instance, they may scapegoat their child who has this quality since they perceive themselves as lacking it.
In specific cases, a parent may mistreat a child who reminds them of an ex-significant other. One example of this may be a biological child being treated differently from stepchildren in a given home. For more information, read our blog “Stepparenting Family Therapy in New Jersey.”
A dysfunctional or abusive home may have one child who alternates between being the scapegoat and the ‘golden child’, also known as a child who is considered ‘special’ by their family and friends due to their achievements. A child can have one or several roles projected onto them which showcases how problematic the parents are for engaging in this type of behavior. It is important to note that whether your parents are putting a positive label on you like the ‘golden child’ or a negative one like the ‘scapegoat’, this type of labeling is never indicative of your worth as a person.
Parents who scapegoat typically do not engage in introspection and are not aware of how their own feelings are being projected onto other family members. They may have been born into a household themselves where scapegoating was used regularly. On the other hand, they may struggle with a personality disorder, like Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), where they may place certain people on a pedestal and belittle others.
As a child, it can be hard to wrap your head around the idea of scapegoating and there is a large chance you might not even know what it is. All you know is that everything is your fault since you are constantly having the finger pointed at you, being blamed for everything and anything that goes wrong. You are so young that you do not have the life experience to understand that the parents who are scapegoating you are the ones who have an issue, not you.
People are not “all good” or “all bad”- there is room in the middle. Everyone has their own set of strengths and weaknesses.
How Do I Know If I Am The Scapegoat In My Family?
Recognizing that you are the scapegoat in your family can be challenging as it will require a good amount of introspection.
If you are constantly being blamed for problems in your family, this may be a sign that you are the scapegoat. Obviously, there is context around all issues but you may find that you are being blamed for issues that you had nothing to do with. You may also be fully blamed for an issue that another family member contributed to more than you.
It is not uncommon for family scapegoats to be the target of regular reticule, criticism, and disparaging remarks while other family members are being praised or favored. Alongside this, there may be unfair expectations set on you while other people do not have to live up to the same standards and receive a bit more freedom.
As a scapegoat, you may feel lonely and isolated from family activities, certain conversations, or even decision-making processes. You may identify as being an outsider within your own family unit. This may lead you to feel like you are not fully heard by your relatives. Your thoughts, emotions, and feelings may be dismissed by others without you fully getting a chance to express them.
When you need support from your loved ones during moments of difficulty, they may be nowhere to be found. If they do show up for you, they may be unsupportive, reinforcing your role as the scapegoat, and completely invalidate how you are feeling.
Here are some general signs that you are your family’s scapegoat:
Your family lacks interest in your passion and hobbies
Your triumphs are glossed over and not celebrated
A mistake you made is made to be bigger than it actually is
Feeling like you are constantly teased
Being expected to take on additional responsibilities that are not yours (e.g., fulfilling the role as a parent for younger siblings)
Being treated differently than your siblings or other family members who are in your age bracket
A sense of emotional distance between you and your family members
Not having anyone stand up for you when you are being picked on
As I mentioned before, sensing if you are the family scapegoat takes a lot of self-reflection.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to determine if you are your family’s scapegoat:
Am I blamed for things that are not entirely my fault? Or my fault at all?
Are my achievements downplayed by family members?
Do I receive constant criticism and ridicule from family members while other members are praised and admired?
Are there unrealistic expectations placed on me compared to my siblings, cousins, etc.?
Am I excluded or isolated from family activities?
Do I feel unheard or invalidated when expressing my thoughts, feelings, and opinions to my family members?
Do I lack emotional support or empathy from family members during difficult life transitions?
Has this dynamic of me being the scapegoat been consistent over time?
If you resonate with the above, you can consider the possibility of talking to a family therapist who understands the complexities of scapegoating. A trained professional counselor can help you navigate this dynamic in your family while providing you with coping mechanisms to deal with the situation in a healthy way.
There are certain insights, tools, and strategies you can use in counseling for family issues that will address the impact of being a scapegoat on your personal identity. Once you explore this, you can work towards building a healthy relationship with your family members or establish boundaries with them to protect your mental health all while rebuilding your self-esteem. For more information, check out our blog “6 Ways to Set Boundaries and Enforce Them.”
Healing From Scapegoating With A Licensed Therapist
Seeing a therapist for scapegoating can be both valuable and empowering. First, you and your therapist will identify patterns in your life. You will come to recognize and understand the dynamics of scapegoating within your family by exploring specific occurrences of scapegoating and how that has negatively impacted your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Being the family scapegoat is emotionally taxing.
The following are significant mental health effects of being a scapegoat:
Anxiety (Take our Anxiety Quiz)
Depression (Take our Depression Quiz)
Low self-esteem (Read “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”)
Low self-confidence (Check out our blog “The Ultimate Guide to Building Self-Confidence”)
Guilt and shame
Anger and resentment (Read “The Most Important Things You Need To Know About Anger Management”)
Isolation
Difficulty trusting other people
Emotional dysregulation
Self-identity issues
Impaired relationships
Addressing and processing the mental health impact of being a family scapegoat is important. Being unfairly blamed and criticized within your family can easily lead to feelings of shame, anger, sadness, and low self-esteem.
When you are scapegoated, you may build an internal belief system where you have negative thoughts about yourself. To challenge these beliefs and construct more positive, realistic ones about yourself, your Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) therapist may separate the roles assigned to you within your family from who you actually are. For more information, read “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Negative Self-Talk.”
When your family uses you as a scapegoat, it can be the time to establish some strong boundaries with them. Healthy boundaries are an essential component for overcoming scapegoating. Your CBT counselor can help you not only create these boundaries, but also come up with a plan on how you will establish them with your loved ones. Your emotional well-being must be protected when dealing with family members.
In creating boundaries, you may find it difficult to enforce them since you are not used to being assertive with your family members. Building assertiveness skills can help you advocate for yourself and address misunderstandings in an effective way.
Through mental health counseling for family concerns, you can gain a better understanding of your family’s dynamics, including each family member’s role and how their roles contribute to the scapegoating of you. By knowing this information, you will feel prepared to navigate family dynamics more successfully.
Overall, working with a family counselor gives you a safe space to talk about your past, present, and your desired future. Your family counselor is not there to judge you or take sides. Instead, you will work towards building healthy boundaries and overcoming toxic family behaviors to create a healthy family dynamic.
According to the C-PTSD Foundation, being the family scapegoat, especially since childhood, can result in serious childhood trauma. For more information, read “How Childhood Trauma Can Impact You As An Adult.”
How you move forward with your family is ultimately up to you, whether your boundaries are successful or you have to go no-contact with certain members. Having the support of a trauma therapist at Anchor Therapy will assist you in your healing journey.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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