When you are in a healthy relationship, it naturally functions well. Of course, like any couple, you may have disagreements from time-to-time or there may be some hard times, but you band together no matter what. You are able to make major life decisions together, discuss problems once they occur, and genuinely enjoy spending time with one another.
On the other hand, you have toxic relationships. In a toxic relationship, the ‘norm’ is feeling drained and unhappy after spending time with your partner. This should be a major red flag that some things need to change.
You may still love your partner, but the relationship does not seem enjoyable. Maybe minor issues turn into full-blown arguments or you always seem to provoke one another. It may even get so severe that you dread spending time with your partner instead of getting excited to see them, like you were in the past.
Continue reading this blog to see if your relationship is toxic, and some guidance on how to navigate a toxic relationship.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship is one where you feel:
Attacked
Demeaned
Unsupported
Misunderstood
When your well-being is threatened, whether it be emotionally, mentally, or physically, you are in a toxic relationship. When your relationship constantly makes you feel worse rather than better, you know you are dealing with a bad situation. Toxic relationships do not have to just be romantic- they can occur almost anywhere, from school and work to family environments.
For someone with a mental disorder, like Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), you may be especially susceptible to toxic relationships since you are sensitive to negative emotions. While toxic people can affect anyone, for someone going through a depressive episode for instance, it may make that person an easier target for toxic people. If you know someone who is struggling with depression, check out our blog: “3 Ways To Support Someone With Depression.”
Every relationship or marriage has its ups and downs, but a toxic relationship is constantly draining for the people involved. The negative emotions can begin to outweigh the positive ones. For a relationship to be considered toxic, only one of the members has to feel that they are being damaged in some form.
What exactly makes up a toxic relationship?
You may be in a relationship where you or your partner constantly undermine or cause harm to each other, intentionally or not. There is a reason for this behavior. For example, as a child, you may have had a toxic dynamic with your caregiver. As a teen, your first exposure to a romantic relationship may not have been the healthiest. Or perhaps you grew up in a home environment that was not exactly loving and supportive. Maybe you were bullied in school which resulted in trauma or you experienced anxiety.
Toxic relationships come from a flawed pairing. For example, you and your fiance may both fight for control in your relationship due to your inherent personalities. This is an example of a combination that just does not work well together. If you struggle with control issues, read our blog: “7 Ways To Let Go Of Control Issues.”
What are the signs of a toxic relationship?
No one else but you can weigh the pros and cons of your relationship. While it is a partnership and your partner’s words hold weight, you must evaluate how you feel about the relationship on your own terms. If someone is threatening your well-being by what they are saying or doing, you are likely in a toxic relationship.
If your relationship involves physical or verbal abuse, it is most certainly a toxic relationship. In this case, we advise you to seek professional help immediately. However, not all of the signs of a toxic relationship are so forthright.
Some subtle signs of a toxic relationship can encompass the following:
You feel like your self-esteem has decreased significantly since entering your relationship (Check out the following blog for assistance: “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”)
You feel like you are constantly being disrespected and/or that your needs are not being met
You give more than you receive in the relationship which leaves you feeling depleted
You feel depressed, angry, and/or tired after speaking to or spending time with your partner (Read our blog “The Most Important Things You Need To Know About Anger Management” for support)
You feel attacked, demeaned, unsupported, and misunderstood
You bring out the worst in one another
You spend a lot of time and energy trying to influence your partner’s moods (e.g., if your partner always comes home from work in a bad mood, you spend hours each evening trying to cheer them up)
You are not the best version of yourself when you are with your partner
You are always being blamed for the relationship’s flaws (e.g., your partner turns things around so they are absolved of guilt and you are the only one who did something wrong)
You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner or you will be attacked
What is the difference between a toxic relationship and an abusive relationship?
While all abusive relationships are toxic, not all toxic relationships are abusive.
In a toxic relationship dynamic, there is a blatant lack of respect and violation of boundaries; however, this can be done unintentionally. When this behavior is repeated with the intent to harm the other person, it should be considered an abusive relationship.
Abuse takes many forms, including emotional, physical, verbal, and psychological. There is also a cycle of abuse that these relationships tend to follow.
The cycle of abuse in abusive relationships normally follows the following steps:
Stress and anxiety starts to build
An act of abuse happens
The person who committed the abusive act apologies, blames the victim, or downplays the severity of the abuse
There may be a certain period of time where no abuse occurs, but the cycle eventually repeats itself again
Generally, toxic relationships can be more subjective in comparison to abusive relationships. For example, two competitive people may be in a relationship together and it works. They bring out each other’s competitive side but do so in a way that is fun for both of them. For example, they may like to do fun date activities that demonstrate this, like bowling or golfing. Contrastingly, if someone who is not competitive is in a partnership with someone who is, they may view this behavior as toxic and demeaning.
What are some examples of toxic and healthy behavior?
If you are trying to evaluate your relationship for toxicity, try examining which behaviors are constantly being shown in your relationship. Do the negative behaviors outweigh the positive behaviors?
If one or both of you are constantly jealous, negative, and disrespectful, it could be a toxic dynamic. However, if you are mostly compassionate and loving, with streaks of jealousy, there may be toxic behaviors that need to be addressed, but the relationship as a whole is not toxic. If this is the case for you, check out our blog: “5 Ways To Solve Common Relationship Problems.”
Knowing the signs of a toxic relationship is important.
Here are some examples of toxic behaviors:
Self-centered
Jealous
Disrespectful
Abusive
Selfish
Critical
Negative
Insecure
Distrusting
Demeaning
Here are some examples of healthy behaviors:
Trustworthy
Respectful
Secure
Positive
Loving
Encouraging
Uplifting
Selfless
Giving
Selfless
Compassionate
Are there different types of toxic relationships?
Absolutely! As mentioned previously, toxic relationships can occur in many different dynamics which shifts their nature. You may experience toxicity in a relationship, family unit, or even at your job.
If the toxicity is not managed, it can be an extremely stressful situation to deal with. If you struggle to manage your stress, read our blog: “Everything You Need To Know About Stress Management Therapy.”
Some examples of different types of toxic relationships include:
When one person intentionally hurts the other person - Some people are intentionally rude or harmful. In this case scenario, it is easy to feel singled out and targeted by this person’s mean words and actions. This person may take it a couple steps further and try to control or manipulate you which certainly constitutes a toxic relationship.
When a person is abusive - When someone is repeatedly and intentionally hurting you, you are in an abusive relationship. Abuse is never ok.
When your partner is constantly cheating - If an intimate partner lies or continues to cheat without changing their behavior, a certain level of toxicity has been added to your relationship.
When there are negative behaviors - Overall negativity and constant complaining can add a toxic component to your relationship. Toxic traits can include things like perfectionism, constant lying, and an unhealthy sense of competitiveness.
When one person (or more) lacks self-awareness - In a toxic relationship, it can be easy to be unaware of the negative effects you may have on someone. You may simply not know how to communicate in a more effective and healthier way. Maybe you do not know how to read social cues to know when you are stepping on someone’s toes or making someone feel like they are being put down and ignored.
If you resonate with any of the above situations, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship.
How do I cope with a toxic relationship?
If this is a toxic relationship that you can work on, such as a romantic relationship, it is highly advised that you do so by seeking the help of a couples counselor. A couples therapist will be able to help you and your partner navigate the tricky times together. Couples therapy will provide you with effective communication strategies and helpful coping skills.
It is possible to fix a toxic relationship through couples therapy, but there are a few caveats. You and your partner must be present during the therapy sessions. Many times, the dominant person in a relationship may not be ready to go through therapy and may simply think that their mere presence is enough for counseling to be successful. The truth is that therapy works if you and your significant other do the work.
At Anchor Therapy, we have highly-trained male and female couples therapists on staff. Our therapists offer in-person sessions at our downtown Hoboken, New Jersey office. We conveniently offer virtual couples therapy to residents of Montclair, Bergen County, Jersey City, and beyond in New Jersey! We also offer teletherapy to New Yorkers and Floridians.
For more information on our online mental health counseling options, check out our blog “Your Guide to Online Therapy.”
The truth is not every toxic relationship can be avoided. You may run into an unhealthy pattern with a co-worker or someone in your family. However, take solace in the fact that your toxic relationship can be managed by establishing healthy boundaries, practicing self-care, and having awareness about your situation.
If you are in a toxic dynamic where you bring out the worst in someone, try to change the dynamic so there are other benefits to your relationship. For example, let us say that you have a big project to work on with a co-worker who you do not always see eye-to-eye with. Instead of getting so focused on who will be in control of the project, try to take a step back and look at your partner’s strength. Maybe they can help the project in some way that you could not do on your own.
If both you and your partner are open to making changes, assertive communication and established boundaries are a recipe for success.
Here are some steps you can take to cope with a toxic relationship:
Openly discuss what you view as a problem in your relationship. Together, you can decide if you want to make changes so both of your needs are being met
Understand that some toxic people are not willing to change their behavior
When the situation calls for it, try non confrontational ways to stand up for yourself
Be assertive regarding your needs but do not be afraid to take the blame when you are at fault
Re-evaluate your relationship genuinely by asking yourself how this person impacts your self-esteem and mental health
Limit the time you spend with someone who brings unhappiness into your life
When expressing your concerns, use “I feel” statements. This helps to not only describe your feelings and emotions, but it keeps the other person from becoming defensive
When you are dealing with a toxic relationship, it is important to shift your focus back onto you. Take care of your health and well-being first. If you are dealing with someone who drains your energy and does not feel good to be around, consider limiting the amount of time you spend with them or removing them from your life completely. If you are experiencing emotional or physical abuse, exit the relationship and seek professional help right away.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. As a Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy, Victoria is committed to producing content for and managing the office’s social media presence and blog.
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