Love bombing is a specific type of emotional abuse. It is a tactic where someone will “bomb” you with extreme displays of affection and attention. While it may seem like this person has fallen head over heels and madly in love with you, there is a darker truth to the matter. A love bomber is using their grand gestures with the intent of manipulating you.
Being showered with love and affection can feel good and even positive at the very beginning of the relationship, but it can lead to serious issues down the road, like gaslighting and abuse. Love bombing is a very common tactic used by narcissists and sociopaths in relationships so they can control you.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What is Love Bombing?
Love and relationships are complex things in nature. They require a great deal of effort, time, and energy if you want to make sure the connections are healthy ones. It takes time to fall in love with someone, learning how to confide in them and trust them.
If you find yourself in a romantic connection that is burning hot from the very beginning, it may feel off to you because it goes against human nature. We do not immediately trust a person as soon as we meet them. We do not automatically confide in them our deepest and darkest secrets, and you may not trust them enough to be intimate with them in other ways, like physically.
If you are in a relationship where you think you may be getting love bombed, it is a good time to ask yourself a few questions. Are you getting spoiled with lavish gifts? Are you feeling pressured to pick up the pace? Is your partner forcing you to make the relationship exclusive before you are ready? Does your party get angry when you spend time with family members and friends? If you find yourself answering “yes” to these questions, there is a chance you may be experiencing emotional and psychological abuse through love bombing.
In the beginning of your romantic connection, you may feel safe with your partner because big romantic gestures can make you feel important, desired, and even boost your self-esteem. But, it is important to remember that a love bomber’s ultimate goal is not love, it is control. Those big gestures were made in an effort to handle you, making you feel dependent on them and beholden to them.
If a person is love bombing you, they will go above and beyond for you so they can manipulate you into having a relationship with them.
Love bombing looks different for every romantic connection, but here are a few common red flags:
Showering you with unneeded and/or unwanted gifts
Excessive praise and flattery
Over-communication of their feelings for you
Early and serious talks about the relationship’s future
Love bombing can occur by someone consciously or unconsciously. Love bombing is most commonly seen in romantic relationships but it can occur with family members and friends as well.
Why Do People Love Bomb?
It is very common for love bombing to form from the love bomber’s insecurities about himself or herself. The love bomber may feel like they cannot trust or depend on other people. Therefore, they rely on love bombing so they can gain control in a connection and make other people question their ability to trust the love bomber. Love bombing can be an intentional form of manipulation for some but, for other people, they may not even realize that they are doing it.
Love bombing is typically a manipulative tactic used by people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). NPD is a personality disorder where an individual feels entitled to praise and has a sense of self-importance. For more information, check out our blog “8 Tips For Dealing With A Narcissist.”
Love bombers are also associated with people who have an anxious or insecure attachment style. For more information on the attachment styles, read our blog “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
Additionally, it is possible that love bombing is a learned behavior. People may learn about love bombing from their parents, previous abusive relationships, or childhood trauma. If you struggle with childhood trauma, read our popular blog “How Childhood Trauma Can Impact You As An Adult.”
If you turn down the romantic advances of a love bomber or if they think that you are not responding to their emotional needs, they may talk down to you or threaten you. A love bomber wants constant reassurance that they are loved and worthy which is rooted in their insecurities. Deep down, your love bomber has low self-confidence although it may not always look like that.
What are the Telltale Signs of Love Bombing?
Love bombing looks different for every romantic connection. A love bomber’s grand praise may start to feel more like love bombing when their over-the-top gestures make you feel uncomfortable, not loved or admired.
Here are some common signs of love bombing:
Rushing into a relationship - A love bomber may make intense plans for a future with you within a few short weeks or months of knowing you. A love bomber may insist that you are their soulmate or rush you into a committed relationship before putting a good amount of time and energy into the relationship.
Giving unnecessary and unwanted gifts - This tends to be one of the most evident signs of love bombing. A love bomber may treat you to extravagant things and give you unwanted gifts to make you think that they love you a lot and have your best interest at heart. In heated arguments, your love bomber may throw these nice things back in your face and remind you about them as if you owe them a debt.
Boundaries are ignored - The one word that a love bomber hates to hear is “no.” Your love bomber will not listen to your boundaries. If you mention that you are feeling smothered and need some space, they will likely insist that they are behaving that way because it is for your best good. For help with this topic, read our blog “6 Ways to Set Boundaries and Enforce Them.”
Constantly praising or complimenting you - Your partner always wants it to seem like they are saying the right thing, but you may notice that they are singing your praises in an excessive way that does not feel natural. In the beginning of a relationship, it is also common for a love bomber to become overly-interested in your accomplishments or hobbies.
Constantly checking-in with you via phone calls or text messages - Even if you express to your partner that you are at work and cannot answer the phone, they may continuously decide to call you until you answer. They do not respect your time or schedule since they want to communicate constantly. If you do not respond, your partner may become angry or irritated with you because they were just “concerned” for your well-being.
Extreme displays of love and affection - A love bomber may express that they love you early in the relationship, constantly flattering you. They may demand your attention all the time or offer over-the-top displays of affection.
These signs differ from a healthy relationship because these actions will make you feel nervous and anxious, not loved and cared for. Some of these love bombing signs may cross or mirror components of a healthy relationship, but they should not be confused.
For example, you may think that communication is a good thing which is 100% true, but there is such a thing as over-communication. You may want to tell your partner that you are heading into the office today instead of working from home but, if you find your partner constantly calling you throughout the workday to check-in, it can be a sign that something is off. If you try to set a boundary and your partner denies it, it can be a red flag right away.
On the surface, your partner seems loving and generous which will cause you to second-guess yourself, maybe even forcing yourself into thinking that you are blowing measures out of proportion, but this is what your partner wants you to think. Lovebombinb is a form of gaslighting.
Gaslighting will make you at war with your own feelings, and you will be left questioning if your perspective is the reality of the situation. You may begin to believe that you are the problem. You can begin to think that your love bomber is right- they have your best interest at heart and you should be grateful to have such a loving person like them in your life.
For more guidance, check out our blog “3 Steps to Survive Gaslighting.”
What are the Three Stages of Love Bombing?
A love bomber will spend the beginning of your relationship over-extending themself to win you over. This “honeymoon phase” will eventually end and real life will kick in where a love bomber resorts to more manipulative tactics to keep you around.
Love bombing is a difficult situation on many levels but, what makes it particularly hard to leave the connection is that you do not know your partner’s true intentions until it is too late.
Love bombing typically occurs in the following three stages:
The Idealization Phase: This first phase can be characterized by your love bomber “bombing” you with love and affection to make you get close to them, convincing you to lower your armor. You may think that it is all too good to be true.
The Devaluation Phase: This second phase is inevitable with a love bomber. Once you let your guard down, your love bomber will begin to show their true intentions by showcasing red flags. Their main goal is to achieve control of you which they can do in a myriad of ways, from demanding your time to limiting access you have to your family members and friends. They can gaslight you into believing that there is nothing off with their behavior. In extreme cases of love bombing, your partner may turn to physical violence, fear, and intimidation.
The Discard Phase: When you try to present healthy boundaries to your love bomber, they may avoid accountability or even leave the relationship. This can leave you feeling confused or like a failure of some sort since you could not fix things.
When a love bombing connection ends, the feelings that arise may be confusing. You can have a sense of attachment and love for this person, but it is also normal to feel angry or sad about how they used you and toyed with your emotions.
It is normal for a love bomber to try to repeat the love bombing cycle with the same partner over and over again. This reignition typically starts by them trying to check-in with you. When this occurs, a critical part of the relationship ensues - do you get trapped in the web again or make a different, healthier choice?
If you want to know if you are in a healthy relationship or not, check out our blog “How to Tell If You’re In A Toxic Relationship.”
What Should I Do After Being Love Bombed?
To recover after being love bombed, it is recommended to cut off all contact with the love bomber. When you maintain a connection after the breakup, it may cause the cycle of idealization and devaluation to continue.
If you find that you are really struggling with trusting other people again and moving on from your ex-partner, you may benefit from working with a relationship counselor. Read our blog “Is Breakup Counseling Right For Me?” for additional information.
Your relationship therapist at Anchor Therapy will encourage you to reconnect with family members and friends and re-engage in your hobbies so you can build back up a sense of independence.
Anchor Therapy’s relationship counselors focus on helping you cope with feelings of distrust or worthlessness that may occur due to the relationship ending.
Friends, family members, or romantic partners can love bomb you. They may shower you with gifts, be excessive in their compliments, and constantly give you attention. In the beginning of your relationship, these actions may make you feel loved and wanted; however, your partner is doing it to gain control over you. Love bombing can happen quickly and lead to an unhealthy, abusive relationship.
Setting boundaries may help with love bombing, but it is recommended to lose all connection with a love bomber so the toxic cycle does not continue again. If you need assistance overcoming the aftermath of love bombing, reach out to a relationship therapist today.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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