At this point in time, it is likely that you have heard of the term “ghosting''.” When you are ghosted, it can be an incredibly difficult situation to process. You may not even know how to react or feel about the situation because the cause of the ghosting is unknown. This passive break-up strategy can leave you feeling upset, confused, angry, and/or embarrassed.
Ghosting is not a new phenomenon, but the introduction of dating apps can make it seem much more prevalent than ever before. It is important to understand that you are not alone, and many people have been ghosted before.
The truth is ghosting hurts, so there is no sense in pretending that it does not. You are a human being, and it is okay to feel however you feel about the situation. When you are ghosted, you are experiencing a previously good feeling turn into something negative. This disruption often comes without warning, so the typical human response is to feel shame. However, once you acknowledge your pain, you can take back your power and move on from the situation in a graceful manner.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with psychotherapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, and life transitions. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and telehealth (video/phone) sessions to residents of New Jersey and New York.
What is ghosting?
To put it simply, ghosting refers to an instance when someone in a relationship ends the relationship without an explanation. This can be someone you are casually seeing and went on a few dates with, or it can even be a friendship. Ghosting can occur at the beginning of a relationship or during the middle of one. It can occur face-to-face or through the internet.
The person you were talking to suddenly quits all sources of communication with you- failing to respond to your texts, calls, emails, social media messages, and so on. Understandably, this kind of situation can leave you feeling upset and make you question your every word and action during your interactions with this person. Being on the receiving end, ghosting can be challenging and lead to mental health difficulties.
How often does ghosting occur?
Ghosting occurs more often than you probably think it does, especially with the increase of dating apps, social media, and general technology in today’s dating world. Typically, ghosting can be a reaction to uncomfortable feelings. The person who ghosts you simply stops responding, never having to face their own issues or any consequences.
Some people may compare ghosting to “the silent treatment” which is often used as a form of manipulation; however, ghosting is inherently different. The silent treatment, or radio silence, is directed as a form of punishment where the person giving the treatment wants to control or manipulate the other person.
Ghosting is traumatic. It can lead to:
Mental health issues
Low self-esteem
Problems in future relationships
Why does ghosting occur?
Even though ghosting occurs regularly, it can still be hard to navigate. Chances are, after you were ghosted, your immediate reaction was to think: “What did I do wrong?”.
Always try to remember that ghosting says a lot more about the person doing it versus the person on the receiving end, you. Ghosting can overall showcase a weakness of character. When you think about the situations where ghosting mostly occurs, you can begin to see this more easily. For instance, you may have been in an online dating situation, then it seems like that person dropped off the face of the earth. Or you may have that one friend who has been avoiding a particularly uncomfortable situation with you for quite some time so you hear crickets on their end.
The person who is ghosting you is the one who has problems with emotional closeness or communication issues. When these are issues that you struggle with, it becomes easy to ghost someone to deal with a generally difficult situation where you are required to express your emotions and communicate effectively. That is not to say that everyone who experiences uncomfortable feelings regarding conflict is going to be a ghoster.
Another important aspect of ghosting to take into consideration is the platform in which it is occurring. Was your connection physically “real” where you met your ghoster in-person or were your interactions contained entirely to the online sphere?
People spend a good amount of time online. Therefore, it seems to be a common place for people to develop relationships. While it can be great for forming new connections and meeting people from different places, in some cases, it can trigger a lack of human connection and physical bonding.
When someone has consistently swiped left on 100 people in one night, it can dehumanize their dating pool. This swiping culture can reduce the meaning of forming meaningful relationships and, eventually, dating. This makes it easier for ghosting to occur. Once the connection feels or appears like it is over, the person ghosts.
Digital access can make people forget that there is a person on the end of the other device. It becomes easy to use
Lastly, the person who ghosted you may be emotionally unavailable. They may lack the energy to maintain connections. It is easier for them to self-isolate and avoid contact with other people which urges them to abruptly end their relationship with you.
This can fall in line with an avoidant personality type. The person who ghosted you may crave connection which leads them to, for example, make an online profile for a dating site. When feelings begin to brew, this person can fear judgment or rejection which leads them to ghost you before they get the chance of being ghosted. No matter how much charm or reassurance you give your ghoster, it will not change their mind. If they want to make this internal change, they will need to work with a therapist.
Trauma could even be a factor in their thinking and actions. If your ghoster is still processing trauma, they are still recovering. A component of their trauma response can be an inability to feel a full range of emotions and a negative self-image where they have a diminished sense of self.
If you are interested in learning about the different personality types and attachment styles, such as avoidant-dismissive attachment, check out our blog “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
There is no one, universal reason why people ghost which can make the healing process even more frustrating. Unfortunately, knowing this information does not lessen or make your pain go away.
Is it my fault that I got ghosted?
Absolutely not! When someone disappears suddenly, it can be easy to wrack your brain with “what if” scenarios, such as:
“What if I responded to her last message faster?”
“What if I lost 5 pounds? Would he like me then?”
“What if I took more of an interest in their hobbies?”
It can be hard to look back on the situation, and not feel regret or shame. You risked your comfort and put yourself out there; however, you do not have to view the situation negatively. Instead of thinking that your plan backfired, take a step back, learn from the situation, feel your feelings, and allow yourself to move on. Ghosting can feel personal, but it is not about you.
When you cannot find a cause and there is no explanation for the silence, you may blame yourself. This can lead you to put up walls in the future so you do not get hurt again. On the other hand, you may tell your friends that you are going to quit dating altogether. This can be an example of a cognitive distortion where all-or-nothing thinking is on full display.
You are not to blame for someone deciding to quietly walk away from a situation that they may not be able to emotionally and mentally handle. It is not your fault that someone could not express the truth to you in a mature manner.
What are some common emotions I may experience after getting ghosted?
Varying emotions can come along with being ghosted. It is normal to fluctuate through these emotions as cycles or even just feel one or two of them.
If you have been ghosted and believe you are to blame, you may be filled with:
Shock and Denial - When you emotionally invest in someone and they then abruptly leave your life, it can be a difficult thing to adjust to. When you are ghosted, it not only comes off as the person who ghosted you does not want a relationship with you, but it also sends the message that they do not want to talk to you at all or are unable to properly communicate with you. On the surface, you may think that this indicates a problem with you and not your ghoster.
Humiliation - When you look back on your connection and wonder what could have happened, you may feel humiliated. As stated previously, ghosting is not new, but social media gives it a new outlet. Technology can give us 100 different ways of being in contact with someone. When you see the person who ghosted you is alive and well, being active and posting on social media, it can hurt to see that they are not using any of those 100 methods to reach you. At that point, it is helpful to be honest with yourself and admit that the person who ghosted you is being impolite.
Self-doubt - When you feel humiliated, the next step is usually turning those feelings inward. When you do not have clarity on why you were ghosted, your mind can go in a million different directions to try to figure out your ghoster’s motivations and reasoning. It does not matter how long your relationship lasted, many people fill in their ghoster’s reasoning for leaving with the worst-case scenario explanation. Most likely, you blame yourself. Blaming yourself can lead to shame and guilt. It can make you feel less confident and worsen any existing self-confidence issues.
Anger - When you have a healthy self-esteem, you may feel angry at your ghoster for putting you in a bad situation. You may categorize your ghoster as being selfish and immature. Even if you realize this, try to understand that healing is a process that takes time. If your relationship lasted long and you had a strong attachment to your ghoster, it can take longer to get over since you will have a sense of loss for this person.
So, I’ve been ghosted. How do I get over it?
Acknowledge The Hurt
You may have not known the ghoster long, but the hope of your relationship can easily turn into hurt. You may feel misled or exposed by the person for bearing your all and being turned down. You may reflect on how you behaved with this person or what you told your friends after the date which makes you feel embarrassed. In any situation, the potential of the connection may hurt more than the actual loss.
2. Offer Yourself Sympathy
If you feel hurt or embarrassed by the situation, that is good! While it may not feel good, having this reaction means that you have normal, healthy human emotions. You are engaged in the world around you and relationships.
3. Talk About Your Feelings With A Breakup Counselor
A relationship therapist will walk you through your feelings and teach you how to not turn those emotions inwards and blame yourself. By talking through what you are feeling in breakup therapy, you transform your thoughts and feelings into words to a certified relationship therapist. This alters your brain patterns, and can get you out a difficult time, allowing you to process this painful experience with the help of a relationship therapist.
If you are interested in learning more about relationship counseling, read our blog “Is Breakup Counseling Right For Me?”.
4. Take Care Of Yourself
When you do the basics, such as eating regularly, getting enough sleep, and moving your body, you can manage your pain. Specific mind-body practices can lower stress levels, lessen physical and emotional strain, and change your neural pathways that bring about emotional pain.
Some mind-body practices include:
Yoga
Mindfulness
Meditation
Ghosting is not about you, but it may not feel like that when you are going through the motions. There are many reasons why people ghost, from something as simple as having poor communication skills to something as complex as having an avoidant attachment style. Regardless of the reason, if someone cannot communicate how they are feeling, then this is most likely someone you would not want to be with anyways. Clear communication is important in any relationship, especially during its formation stages so ghosting should be viewed as a flaming red flag.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark, planning to study Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. As a Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy, Victoria is committed to producing content for and managing the office’s social media presence and blog.
