So, you want to officially move in with your partner? Congratulations! Moving in together can be as equally scary as it is exciting. It is likely that you have witnessed your partner in their environment on their best behavior, but moving in together means that you will see all sides of a person every single day.
You may feel like you and your partner are practically living together at a certain point. You might stay over their place so often that you only run back to your apartment when necessary to grab the mail or some new clothes. It may seem like moving in together is a natural progression and the next step in your relationship.
Moving in together is an important milestone in any relationship since it is a true testament of your commitment to one another. It also provides you with an opportunity to see what a potential life together would look like. Living with your partner can be extremely rewarding and help you construct a foundation for a long-term relationship, engagement, or marriage. Regardless of what your unique goals are for your relationship, it is crucial to approach the moving-in process in the right way.
Moving in together is a lot more than transferring some boxes filled with your belongings into a space. Together, you and your partner have to decide what stays and what goes, discuss how you will be splitting financial responsibilities of your new place, get mentally prepared to share a space with each other 24/7, and more!
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with psychotherapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, and life transitions. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and telehealth (video/phone) sessions to residents of New Jersey and New York.
Am I ready to move in with my partner?
It might sound great to wake up next to your partner every day and experience the “little things” together in your shared space. As the saying goes, you do not really know someone until you live together. By sharing a space, you will get to know your partner on a new level. You might want to take this next step in your relationship, but are unsure if you are ready for such a huge leap.
Luckily, there are some common signs that you and your partner are ready to take the next step and move in together!
You Accept The Other Person - If you want your relationship to be a success, you must accept your partner, even for all of their flaws. It is unwise to continue your relationship or take the next step if you believe that you can change certain aspects of the other person. While you and your significant other may be in a partnership, you are still two separate people. You are going to find out more information about your partner once you move in together. Therefore, it is best to accept that they are their own person with specific feelings and needs.
You Are Good Communicators - A telltale sign that you and your partner are ready to move in with one another is that you are both great at communicating with one another. That is to say, each of you expresses your wants and needs. When one person talks, the other person listens and vice versa. Instead of listening to your partner to provide a response, listen to understand. Really listen to what your partner is saying instead of responding with an eye roll or having their words go in one ear and out the other. Moving in together requires an even greater level of communication so it is important to strengthen this skill now.
You Have Independent Lives - Living together is not like dating. When you date someone, you can choose when you see this person. If you live together, you will be together more often than not. While moving in with your partner can be exciting and it can be easy to spend every waking moment with them, doing so can lead to an unhealthy relationship. This may lead to you putting too much pressure on your relationship or even growing resentful that you have given up some much of your personal time to be with this person. Making sure you both have independent social lives before moving in with one another can be helpful. Each person requires their own independent time and space. Having your own friends and interests will allow you to both lead rich lives inside and outside of the home.
You Can Talk Honestly About The Moving Process - If you cannot have open and honest conversations about moving in together, it may be a sign to halt your plans. You have to be able to be fully honest with your partner. You should be able to express what you want and why you want it. Be honest. If something does not feel right to you, tell your partner without placing blame on them. Own your feelings and try not to make it about the other person. When your partner is expressing their wants and needs, listen to what they are saying and the energy behind their words. If you are unsure about anything, ask them questions.
You Both Agree On The State Of Your Relationship - It is important that you and your partner are on the same page about your relationship. Before you move in together, define what being in a relationship and loving each other means. Do you show your love to your partner by sending encouraging morning text messages? By giving your partner their dream gift? If you are interested in learning more about your partner’s love language, check out our blog “Understanding The Five Love Languages To Improve Your Relationship.” Discuss with your partner what you believe love to be. When you do this, you may avoid a lot of arguments over dramatically different expectations.
What can we do before moving in together that will ease the process?
Moving in together has its own set of distinctive challenges. You will have to navigate how to split chores, divide financial responsibilities, figure out how much time to spend together, and so on.
If you want the process of moving in together to go as smoothly as possible, you can try to:
Make The Active Decision To Move In Together
While this might sound obvious or even silly, many people move in together out of convenience. There’s many practical reasons why this may occur, such as your lease being up or your roommate moving out. It may even be as extreme as a long-distance relationship where it becomes easier to move in together than travel back and forth.
Whatever your external factors may be, it is important to make a conscious decision. You want to be sure that moving in together is the right next step for your relationship. Your decision should make sense for you both and your level of commitment. Look at the ‘why’ of your decision and find ways to make space for a conversation surrounding the blending of your two environments and, ultimately, lives.
It is not uncommon for people to move too fast and move in with each other for the wrong reasons. Some people may want to move in with their partner because they want emotional nurturing or almost like a mother/father figure to take care of them. Other people may want to move in with their partner so they can depend on them financially.
When you have a conversation with your partner about your ‘why’ and your goals of moving in together, you are taking healthy steps towards cohabitation. Are you both okay with living together with no additional commitment? Does one of you think that you should be engaged before moving in? You should feel financial and personally ready to join lives with your partner.
Figure Out Where You Will Move and What You Will Bring
You may decide to move into your partner’s place, but you should be careful if this is the route you take. Ideally, it can be nice to move into a brand new place where there are no lingering memories. If you are moving into someone’s elses space, try to shift your perspective. Instead of seeing it as your partner’s old bachelor pad, treat it as a new space. You should have an equal say in how to decorate the place, what goes and what stays, and more. The space is just as much yours as it is your partner’s.
Moving in together can also be a great time to downsize. You may want to bring some items to the new place, store some things, or purchase furniture with your partner. Another important thing to discuss with your partner is your overall moving process. Are you moving locally or long-distance? Will you need to rent a truck or hire full-service movers?
Have Those Uncomfortable Conversations
While generally no one likes discussing finances or other responsibilities, they are necessary conversations to have. Money and household chores can become triggers for major fights so it is better to have these discussions before moving day occurs. Is one person in charge of cooking? Whose job is it to take out the trash?
When you are having these conversations with your partner, try to make an agreement instead of a compromise. A compromise can sound good but, in reality, it can translate into neither parties getting what they want. When you and your partner have an agreement, both of you are invested in the plan and everything is clear.
Living with someone can also trigger childhood wounds or childhood trauma. Sometimes old family issues can play out when you live with your partner. For instance, a wife may find that she is doing all of the cooking and cleaning while the husband lays on the couch and watches television. The wife may begin to view this dynamic as a replay of her childhood where her father was absent and her mother was overworked and resentful. If you are interested in learning more about childhood trauma, read our blogs: “How Childhood Trauma Can Impact You As An Adult” and “How to Heal Childhood Trauma As An Adult.”
An additional cause of strife when living with a partner can be finances. It is crucial that you and your partner have an open and honest dialogue where you discuss who is paying for what. Will you split the rent 50/50? Will you adjust rent contributions according to each other’s salaries? Does your money get put into a joint account for household expenses or do you keep your own separate accounts? The more specific you can get, the better.
As it is, moving is a stressful process. With moving, there comes a combination of tasks, like sorting through your belongings, packing boxes, physically moving, cleaning, and additional costs. If you are struggling with your stress levels during the moving process, read our recent blog, “How to Cope with Moving Stress.”
Tips for moving in together
Know Your Partner’s Goals For The Relationship
Many people may jump into moving in with their partner and seek that “forever” relationship, but they do not know and understand their partner’s long-term romantic goals. This can occur for many reasons. For example, one person may be more adaptable to change and does not think too much about future commitments. This can easily transform into not being on the same page about living together.
If you want a larger commitment, like an engagement and eventual marriage, that is something you need to mention upfront. If you do not see marriage happening in the near future or ever, you should be able to voice where you are at. It can be devastating to feel like you were deceived by your partner due to a slip in communication.
2. Talk To A Couples Therapist
Couples counseling can provide you both with a safe space to discuss uncomfortable topics with a licensed professional. During your sessions, your couples therapist will guide you through difficult subjects, like finances and household responsibilities.
For many people, the new premarital counseling is pre-move-in therapy. Moving in together is one of the biggest steps you can take as a couple. While all couples have arguments and bumps along the road during moving, a relationship therapist can help you both brainstorm simple yet effective strategies to ease the process.
3. Get Intentional About Your Quality Time
When you move in together, you see your partner more than ever before, so do you have to be intentional about carving out time for one another?
Living together offers a lot of intimate moments, like sharing your morning cup of coffee together or talking about your day at work when you get ready for bed. However, living together can also cause you to confuse quality time with casual living. For example, one of you may be watching television as the other person scrolls through Instagram. You are together, but are you really connecting?
Casual living is perfectly fine and expected, but it should not be your only form of connection. It can be easy to fall into the habit of not prioritizing special time when you live together. This may lead to you both feeling more like roommates than romantic partners.
If you want to carve out quality time for each other, consider doing the following:
Schedule a weekly date night
Commit to asking each other about their day (and really listen to your partner’s answers!)
Establish small routines that leave room for connection (e.g., cooking dinner together)
Moving in with your partner is an exciting step in your lives. While it may have its fair share of challenges, if you and your partner adequately prepare yourself by honing your communication skills, talking to a couples therapist, and being intentional about the time you spend together, you will set yourselves up for success!
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark, planning to study Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. As a Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy, Victoria is committed to producing content for and managing the office’s social media presence and blog.
