Most will remember the feelings of excitement, butterflies, and attraction when they first fall in love with their significant other. In the beginning, everything feels like an adventure when you’re falling in love. The question is how to maintain that spark after years of commitment. Passion at the beginning of a relationship serves a very important purpose, to help you connect, learn about each other, and keep you craving more and more time together. If you notice that over time the intensity you once felt has dimmed, you are not alone!
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with psychotherapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, and life transitions.
To be in a successful long term relationship, it is often said that it takes a lot of work. This is true, but the work can be enjoyable and bonding. It’s not just about spending time together and communicating openly but doing so in a meaningful way. After years, we tend to fall into routines. The conversation is about the day, the kids, work, and so on. Not only do we fall into routines that feel more like roommates than lovers, but intimacy tends to take a back seat to the day to day of life.
Many couples experience a decrease in their sexual chemistry, some going long period without sex at all. This is not abnormal and happens to even the most compatible of couples. A good sexual relationship in a long-term relationship is based on much more than the physical attraction that initially lit the spark. To maintain a healthy, active, and fulfilling sex life, emotional intimacy and closeness is the key. Just because the fire seems to have dimmed, doesn’t mean it can’t be re-ignited!
Here are some helpful tips to better understand your partner and improve your intimacy:
Dealing with the stress
As we get older, more and more stressful situations seems to come your way. The most important thing to remember when dealing with life stressors is to lean on each other. Many times when someone feels stressed, they shut down, withdraw and try to just power through it. This can leave your partner feeling isolated and out of the loop. Relationships are designed to have built in support, reach out for it!
Dealing with and working through issues together can be deeply meaningful to the relationship. It helps to strengthen the foundation and reinforce trust and compassion for each other. On the flip side, when your partner is struggling you can reach out to them. Remind them you are a team and the more you do together to help one another the more connected you will be. Accept help, ask for help, and just be there to listen when needed. Not all problems can be resolved but validating your partner’s feelings can be extremely intimate.
Communication
Be honest, be open, be accepting.
A major issue that stands in the way of many couple’s sex lives, is an inability to communicate honestly with one another. This doesn’t mean you are lying, it just means you may be holding back after a long time of feeling disconnected. When you don’t feel seen or heard by your partner, you probably don’t want to have sex with them. If you don’t tell your partner what you need or what’s been upsetting you, then the issue lingers and eats away at the connection. At the same time, if you aren’t open to hearing your partner’s feelings and concerns, then you are cheating yourselves out a truly successful future.
Addressing these underlying issues can help to rebuild intimacy and security in the relationship. If you find yourselves constantly bickering over washing dishes, picking clothes up off the floor, and other little annoyance…this is likely the problem. Many times our go to response is to become defensive because it feels like an attack. What’s really happening is your partner displacing other frustrations on to physical complaints. Feeling unappreciated and ignored often leads to these frequent fights.
Working on your communication is the key to fostering respect, affection, and closeness. If what you’re already doing isn’t working, it’s time to try something else.
Quality of time together
You come home after a long day at work, eat dinner, and sit down to watch some television. Sure, you’re together in the same room doing the same thing, but are you connecting? When I work with couples I often hear that when they are doing the day to day things together, they are often still distracted. Whether you are on your phone, computer, or just zoning out in your thoughts, it’s not quality time together at all. Say you and your partner are sitting down to watch a movie or show. There are so many ways to connect in just these simple moment. You might laugh at the same joke, or jump at a scary scene. The point is that you are in that moment doing something together and experiencing it at the same time.
Now think of what changes when you add a cell phone to the mix. When one of those exciting moments happen and your partner looks over at you, are you distracted by something else? This may feel insignificant but the message the other person receives is disinterest. Quality time can be anything you can think of, as long as it’s about being together without sending signals that you rather be doing something else.
Love Language
Love language is the way we show and receive love and affection. Some people show love by doing things for the other person. For example, cleaning up, cooking dinner, helping with an errand or two. In this style on partner feels like they are taking action to show their love for the other person. Others may use praise and affirmations to show their love, such as giving compliments and thanking their loved one. Physical touch is a common love language in which one shows their affection by wanting to be physically close and in contact with their partner. Lastly, there is giving another your attention and time or wanting to give gifts to the other person.
No matter what style is your own, the importance of love language is in understanding how you and your partner show love so you can receive it. Sometimes it can be hard when two people show and receive love in different ways. We often miss or misread the signs that our partner is showing their love in ways that differ from own. Think about what makes you feel cared for and how you show your care, and most importantly talk about this with your partner so you can understand each other’s needs.
Non-sexual physical intimacy
It can be very difficult to feel intimate with your partner after a long period of feeling disconnected. You may think, how can non-sexual physical interaction help us get the spark back? When you go through a sexual rut, the ease of initiating and wanting to jump back into things can be a struggle. In the beginning of a relationship the excitement and attraction is enough to light that spark. After some time, it can take more effort to keep this intensity alive.
Physical touch helps you to feel comfortable, safe, and connected to your partner. It creates a foundation for each person to feel wanted and engaged without the expectation of sex itself. Cuddling on the couch, hugging, and holding hands creates an intimacy that helps you stay connected to each other outside of the bedroom. This is the kind of intimacy that fosters a sense of security and love, which is always helpful when working on re-connecting.
No matter what you and your partner are going through remember the most important thing is working together on these issues. You are a team and if you want to improve any aspect of your relationship, you have to focus on the positives. Remind each other what you love about the other person, communicate about your needs, and work on whatever you need to together. Many times, the work you put into your relationship will help you reconnect all on its own. It can be hard to start the conversation, and feel awkward to address these topics. Couples counseling is a fantastic tool no matter the issue because you open the door to moving forward in a positive way. If you feel stuck and don’t know how to start, counseling is a great option to find guidance on where to start.
Lauren Mandelbaum, LPC, NCC, CCMHC
is a licensed psychotherapist practicing in Hoboken, New Jersey. She specializes in helping teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and life transitions through counseling. Lauren can help NJ residents through telehealth (video/phone) therapy sessions as well.
