If you have ever been with someone, but not really with someone, then you have likely been in a situationship. You are more than friends but you are not exactly in a relationship. You are making last-minute plans, talking inconsistently, and your romantic connection is not exactly defined. In modern culture, casual relationships are extremely common. What was first known as a “booty call” morphed into “friends with benefits” and it is now known as a “situationship.”
If it was a movie, you and your situationship would witness the blossoming of friendship into an official romantic relationship. You two would fall in love and live happily ever after. But, as you may have guessed, life is not a picture-perfect movie and things do not always work out as you wish they would. The real question is - are situationships unhealthy?
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
First things first, what defines a situationship?
A situationship can be defined as an “almost relationship.” The buzzy term that is trending on social media can refer to dating in limbo. In other words, a situationship is the middle ground between a casual hookup and a committed relationship.
Simply put, a situationship is a romantic connection where there has not been a “defining the relationship” conversation. A situationship is certainly a romantic relationship, but the commitment that societal norms have dictated are not present.
A situationship looks different for each romantic connection. For some, it may be someone to hang out with and grab dinner, but there is no discussion of the future. For others, there may be serious emotional investment but you do not know where you stand with the other person. Overall, situationships offer flexibility where you can avoid stressors of what a typical relationship could bring, such as expectations and the balancing of personal and shared goals.
If you are in a situationship, the connection may feel:
Convenient
Circumstantial
Non Monogamous
Uncertain
Uncommitted
Ambivalent
Due to the murky nature of a situationship, you may even feel apprehensive before entering this form of romantic connection.
Situationships have become increasingly more popular due to the age of online dating. Dating apps have created an illusion of choice. It becomes hard to commit to the person in front of you when there are so many possible options available to you. After all, when the person sitting across from you at the dining table leaves, you can get on your phone and swipe right away. For more information, check out our blog “Swipe Smart: Navigating Online Dating and Mental Health with Dating Therapy.”
While situationships are typically spoken about negatively, they are not inherently bad. It simply depends on the people involved, the relationship dynamic, and the romantic goals of both people. From playing the dating field to not being fully ready for a committed relationship, there are many reasons as to why a situationship can be fun and liberating. In a situationship, you can have fun and get to know the other person with zero pressure involved.
Is my situationship affecting my mental health?
Any meaningful connection in your life generally impacts your mental health; however, it is important to know if it affects your emotional state in a negative way.
If two people are in a relationship, it is bound that someone will care or fall more than the other person. Since there are no clear boundaries present in a situationship, emotional and mental trauma can ensue.
The three stages of falling in love are as follows:
Lust
Attraction
Attachment
If you have a well-defined connection, then you would know that attachment is something that neither party seeks and, if it gets to that stage, you know to break it off if the outcome does not align with your romantic goals. On the other hand, in a situationship, you are essentially going through all of the stages of falling in love.
If you have invested a lot of time into a relationship and/or a specific person and there is no commitment of any kind, you may begin to feel jaded and like the situationship is pointless. There are a lot of uncertainties involved in a situationship and this is not the best for your mental health long-term. As licensed clinical psychologist Holly Schiff states, a situationship generally involves all of the perks of a real relationship without the formal title and commitment.
Situationships can be ideal when both people are on the same page- that is to say that there is zero commitment and it aligns with both people’s relationship goals. However, feelings can change and issues can come into play when one person wants something more and the other party is unwilling. Additionally, situationships fail to provide the emotional support and sense of well-being a person receives from being in a committed romantic connection.
For the individual who gets attached in a situationship, it is possible that they may struggle with low self-esteem and self-confidence due to a lack of emotional connection. Questions may seem to arise like “What is wrong with me?” or “Why don’t they want to be in a relationship with me?”. A person in this position may be hyper-critical of themselves, finding personal faults due to another person’s lack of interest and inconsistency.
Like any relationship, situationships either work or they do not. Contrary to a committed relationship, a situationship leaves a big question mark around important elements of a connection, such as boundaries, expectations, and the future. The only person who can decide what is best for you is you. For more information, check out our past blog “How To Tell If You’re In A Toxic Relationship.”
If you are not in a place where you are seeking a committed relationship and want to explore situationships, that is completely okay! There should be zero shame surrounding the type of relationship you want. While many people crave clear boundaries and stability, that may not sound appealing to you depending on where you are in your life.
In general, openness and communication is essential for ensuring that your situationship continues to work for both parties and no one is left hurt. At the start of your connection, there may be zero emotions but this can evolve over time. Therefore, periodically checking in with your situationship about the terms of your arrangement can be healthy.
How do I know if I am in a situationship?
If you are wondering if you are in a situationship, there are some telltale signs you can look out for. However, the situationship traits will vary from couple to couple. Some situationships can involve being a major part of your partner’s life, from meeting their family to taking vacations together. Contrastingly, other situationships may be far removed from each other’s personal life.
The biggest indicator that you are dealing with a situationship is the ongoing feeling of instability in the relationship. There will be a constant pressure to keep things light-hearted with zero pressure involved.
The following can be important signs that you are in a situationship:
There has been no conversation about defining your connection
You have not integrated into each other’s lives in a meaningful way (e.g., meeting their friends and family, going to their home, etc.)
You are doing “relationship” activities while stating that the connection is nothing but casual
One or both of you is still dating or hooking up with other people
Sex may be the biggest part of your connection
You do not make plans in advance
There is no regularity in your schedules to hang out together
You are physically close but not emotionally
You talk about a lot of different topics but there is little to no discussion about emotions
You do not make meaningful promises about the future
There is no intention to commit to one another
The relationship remains ambiguous and does not grow
You do not communicate your desires
You feel anxious and uncomfortable expressing your needs around the other person
You do not expect to celebrate birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, major life accomplishments, etc. with this person
When you do tell the other person what you want, you feel like you have to walk on eggshells
You do not go on formal dates together
They tell you flat out that they do not want a serious relationship
How do I know if a situationship is right for me?
You may know right away if a situationship is going to work out for you or not. If you are someone who seeks commitment, stability, and clarity in your life and relationships, a situationship may not be the best idea for you. On the contrary, if you are someone who is looking for freedom, flexibility, and intimacy without commitment, a situationship could be right up your alley. It truly comes down to your personality and what your romantic goals are.
If you are reflecting on your current romantic situation, take a second to pause and ask yourself “Is this really what I want?”. You may find yourself in a situationship with someone just because it is convenient, but it may not truly be what your heart desires.
The bottom line is that you should never push away your own needs or boundaries because of someone else. If you are in a situationship and you want to take things to the next level while the other party does not, that is okay. You now know to acknowledge this difference and move on to a new romantic opportunity that better suits you and your needs.
Even if you are okay with a situationship, it is still important to set boundaries. Are you both going to discuss who else you are involved with? Do hangouts only include the two of you or can you invite some friends? It is important to be clear with one another and to make sure you are both on the same page so emotions are not damaged later on down the line.
There can sometimes be an assumption when you are in a casual relationship, like a situationship, that you do not have to talk about serious things. But, it is healthy to have emotionally-charged conversations that ensure both of your needs are being met.
For more information on boundary-setting, read our blog “6 Ways To Set Boundaries & Enforce Them.”
How can I cope with a situationship?
Being in a situationship can sometimes be tricky. The first step to bettering your mental health in a situationship is to be open and honest about your feelings to the other person. Be clear about your dating intentions.
If you are interested in a more serious relationship, it may be a sign to bring this topic up to the other person. Consider stating how you feel and see how the other person responds. They may want to take the relationship to the next level just like you or they do not in which case you can find someone who values you and your connection. Having a direct answer from the other person is great because it can lay out your next steps and the options available to you.
You may be trying to play it cool in a situationship by taking the passive approach, but this does not benefit anyone. When you do not discuss your needs, you create an illusion that the possibility of a real relationship exists. In reality, this does little to change your situation.
Communicating your needs, boundaries, and expectations at the very beginning of your situationship can prevent feelings from being hurt on both sides.
If you find that your situationship is really impacting your mental health, it may be a sign to seek relationship counseling. In relationship therapy, you will have the chance to discuss your situationship in a supportive, constructive environment.
At Anchor Therapy, we have relationship counselors who can address the romantic challenges you are facing. We offer in-person and virtual therapy for situationships to all residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
A relationship therapist can be very important in helping you cope with, overcome, navigate, and/or improve your situationship.
Here are several ways a relationship therapist can help you with your situationship:
Clarifying expectations
Addressing conflict
Enhancing communication skills
Setting boundaries
Exploring emotions
Crafting relationship skills
Providing an objective perspective
Supporting individual growth
Navigating transitions
All in all, situationships can be tricky to navigate. Knowing yourself and your relationships goals can help bring clarity to the situation. With open communication and honesty, it can be a healthy dynamic where your needs are being met. Even if your relationship is casual, you deserve to be treated with respect. If you find that your situationship is negatively impacting your mental health, meeting with a relationship counselor is advised.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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