While infidelity is a big obstacle in a relationship, it can also be seen as an opportunity for positive growth and change. Infidelity does not mean that your relationship or marriage is over. Luckily, there are many ways to heal and construct a healthy relationship once again.
Trust is a crucial part of any relationship. Trust can be broken in many ways, from minor mishaps to big mistakes. Unfortunately, cheating can break a bond and your level of confidence in your relationship. Infidelity is not always like what we see in the movies and television shows. In other words, it is not always what we think. Many times, infidelity occurs due to a lack of emotional connection, not a lack of attraction.
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For the partner who was cheated on, your first reaction may be to analyze what is wrong with you that caused your partner to have an affair. You may immediately point to your physical appearance; however, the root cause of cheating goes deeper than that. The majority of the time, cheating is not physical or situational, it is emotional.
For the individual who is stepping outside of their relationship, they may be experiencing an absence of connection and communication. They may feel that some of their needs are not being met; however, their partner may not even know about these needs. This is because the person who had the affair did not feel secure enough to voice their needs. For their partner, infidelity becomes an issue of trust, safety, and attachment.
The work after infidelity can be a large undertaking, but it is not impossible by any means. If you would like to learn four specific ways to help heal your relationship after infidelity, please continue to read along.
Do Not Immediately Equate Cheating With the End of Your Relationship
When you discover or admit to cheating in your relationship, the easiest thing, and many people’s initial reactions, is to throw in the towel. If you committed infidelity, this may be a way to avoid taking ownership over your actions or acknowledging your wrongdoings. Just as you would assume that infidelity leads to the indefinite end of your relationship, assume that your relationship enduring this tough time is also just as possible.
For this to occur, remorse must be shown from the person who had the affair. This person has to feel deeply sorry and their apology cannot be given in an unconcerned manner. Remorse is a starting point in the healing process from infidelity. This can be used as a common starting point, so both parties feel ready to take the next steps of repair.
If you would like to take the path of repairing your relationship, you should expect hard work. While this work will be difficult, only you can decide if it is worth it. After all, you are the only one who knows what is best for your mental and emotional health. If you and your partner are willing to restore your relationship, you can build back trust and become a stronger couple in the end.
2. Figure Out What Triggered the Infidelity
As stated previously, often, the main reason for cheating lies in the emotional realm instead of mere attraction. One of the hardest steps in the healing process from infidelity is figuring out what caused you or your partner to cheat. This can be seen as the tipping point where you will both figure out if you would like to move forward with the relationship or not.
Some common causes of cheating include:
Poor communication
Attachment concerns
Unmet needs
Old-fashioned gender roles
Despite these common causes, infidelity is extremely complex. Every relationship is unique. There are distinct reasons that triggered the cheating and distinct reasons that can bring a relationship back together after this hardship. Understanding the breakdown of your relationship and the exact reason for cheating is an important insight to be able to rebuild trust.
If the person who had the affair is unwilling to be open and honest about the reason for their indiscretion, it may not be possible to repair your relationship. Especially if this person is blaming their partner for their wrongdoing. The root cause of infidelity cannot be oversimplified. For instance, the reason “it just happened” is not a sufficient starting point.
To rebuild trust, both parties must be completely truthful. Once you both as a couple are clear on why the cheating occurred, you understand that, if a similar situation presents itself in the future, different decisions will be made.
3. Give Yourself or Your Partner Time to Heal
While, most likely, you and your partner would like to heal as soon as possible, it is not as simple as that. An “I’m sorry” is not a magic wand that will erase anxieties and construct trust once again. It can take at least a year for the betrayed partner to feel like they can place trust back into their relationship.
If you had the affair, give your partner the ability to talk about infidelity with you. It is important not to shut down your partner when they bring the topic up. This can appear to be rude and dismissive as if you are telling them to “get over it.”
While talking about the affair is beneficial, it can also be helpful to place limits on the amount of time spent discussing it. For example, let us say that you and your partner are engaged, and you have learned that you have been cheated on by your fiance. During the healing process, you can give yourself 15 minutes a day to discuss cheating. The betrayed partner, you, can decide when they want to stop talking about it, cutting the conversation early. By restricting the time spent talking about your relationship, you allow yourselves to do other things as a couple. From watching a movie together to going out to dinner, you begin to shape the future of your relationship, bringing happiness back into it.
4. Seek the Help of a Licensed Couples Therapist
Couples therapy can be a powerful tool in your relationship for positive transformation. After cheating occurs in your relationship, you may not even know where to begin to start the healing process. Additionally, you may feel that you and your partner are talking in circles with no clear resolution in sight. In these cases, a therapist can guide your conversations, keeping healing in mind. In couples counseling, your therapist is a neutral party that can help identify the root cause of infidelity and bring them to your attention.
Infidelity counseling allows you to move beyond the affair. Your relationship therapist can also provide you both with ways to rebuild trust and sustain stability in your relationship.
Healing after infidelity is not a linear process. It takes time and every couple moves at their own pace. The most important thing to remember is that you must prioritize your well-being and do what is best for you. Overcoming infidelity is possible, but it will require a lot of work from both parties. Patience is required and there may be difficult obstacles to endure, but with a joint commitment to put the work in, you can make it as a couple.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is currently an undergraduate student at the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark, looking to study Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. As a Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy, Victoria is committed to producing content for and managing the office’s social media presence and blog.
