When you have a fear of rejection, it is an irrational, continuous fear of social exclusion. You may even be someone who struggles with a social phobia or Social Anxiety Disorder, often referred to simply as SAD. Luckily, there are many things you can do to build your self-confidence and overcome your fear of rejection.
The fear of rejection is a very powerful form of dread that can stop you from living life to the fullest. For example, as a teenager, you may be so afraid of rejection that you do not even apply to your dream college. Similarly, as an adult, you may avoid applying to the job of your dreams since, in your mind, having no answer is better than hearing a “no.” This fear of rejection can even seep into your personal life. For instance, it may stop you from asking that person you really like out on a date due to your fear that he or she will deny you. For some support, check out our blog “How to Cope with Dating Anxiety.”
When you are in a situation that could lead to rejection, it is normal to feel nervous, but these feelings should not consume you. As you let your fear of rejection grow, more areas of your life will become impacted.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What causes a fear of rejection?
According to a research article published in the peer-reviewed journal, Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, there are many outcomes of rejection, such as interpersonal, emotional, and psychosocial effects. Rejection in and itself can cause a strong reaction. Furthermore, it can cause the person who has been rejected to avoid rejection of any kind.
As human beings, we naturally want to be surrounded by people since we are social creatures. We are constantly looking to build connections, whether that be through friendship or romantic relationships. Therefore, it makes sense that, if we have a belief that we will be isolated or disliked by other people, we want to avoid that given situation.
Many mental health counselors believe that a fear of rejection is rooted in childhood, causing a deep-rooted fear to build up. Some of the first relationships in our lives as children are with our parents and caregivers. During this important period of growth, we come to understand how relationships are formed and maintained as well as gaining a better comprehension of the world around us. Children are learning how to obtain the attention and affection of other individuals.
As a child, if your parent or caregiver was emotionally unavailable or even unpredictable, it may have left you feeling rejected from the ones you loved the most. As you advance in your life, you move past these incidents due to time, but it does not mean that these occurrences did not leave a lasting imprint on you.
With that being said, rejection at any stage of life, even as a senior citizen, can sting. If rejection impacts your self-esteem or self-confidence, you can become scared of going through a similar situation again. For more information, check out our blogs “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?” and “The Ultimate Guide to Building Self-Confidence.”
Believe it or not, a fear of rejection is normal- it is all a part of being a human being. From an evolutionary standpoint, your ancestors relied on their community and group for survival. For that reason, some parts of our brain, like the amygdala for example, can register rejection as a life-threatening occurrence.
Your fear of rejection can manifest in other ways, such as being afraid of giving a presentation at work since you think your boss and colleagues will disapprove of, not the project, but you as a person. Some of these fears can be normal (after all, everyone has gotten nervous before a presentation or public speaking engagement before) but, if it is negatively impacting your quality of life, it is recommended to seek professional help in the form of mental health counseling.
As mentioned previously, your fear of rejection may be tied to SAD. You may be afraid that you are going to say or do something embarrassing, so you do not say or do anything at all. You may fear not being liked by everyone and/or not being able to form connections with people. Read our blog “6 Helpful Tips for Living with Social Anxiety.”
There are other mental health conditions that can trigger a fear of rejection as well, such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). If you have OCD and a fear of rejection, you may experience rumination and obsessive thinking about whether or not someone accepts or likes you, from a peer to a romantic interest.
Lastly, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) triggers both your fight-or-flight response and your fawn responde. Your fight-or-flight response is your body’s physiological reaction to an event that is perceived to be harmful and an attack on your existence. Your fawn response is when you try to minimize or circumvent distress or danger by placating the threat. In order to avoid conflict, dislike, or rejection, you go to extremes to try to please other people. This can lead to people-pleasing tendencies. For support, check out our blog “11 Reasons Why You Are A People Pleaser.”
Am I afraid of rejection?
Here are the signs to look out for…
A fear of rejection typically forms in one or two ways- you adopt attention-seeking behaviors to keep people close to you or you adopt avoidant behaviors to push people away so they do not have the opportunity to reject you.
If you have social anxiety disorder (SAD) and are afraid of rejection, you may experience the following symptoms when you are in contact with other people:
Rigid posture
Nausea and/or stomach issues
Rapid heart rate
Difficulty making eye contact
Avoiding places or situations where you know other people will be
Feeling as if your mind is ‘going blank’
Blushing
Sweating
Trembling
Difficulty speaking to other people (especially people you do not know)
Check out our blog “3 Ways to Manage Your Physical Anxiety Symptoms.”
If you are someone who is afraid of rejection, it is not uncommon for you to put the needs of other people above your own needs. You may have a hard time expressing what is on your mind or sharing your opinions with other people. You may have a hard time saying “no” and establishing boundaries with others. For help, our blog “6 Ways to Set Boundaries and Enforce Them” is a must-read. Lastly, you may even stay in unhealthy relationships for too long because it is hard for you to leave, out of fear that you may hurt the person you are with. Check out our blog “How To Tell If You Are In A Toxic Relationship.”
Some signs that you have a fear of rejection include:
Working too hard
Perfectionism
Fear of failure
Codependency
Staying in unhealthy connections
Having trouble saying “no” to others
Being a people-pleaser
Putting too much on your plate
Hiding your thoughts and feelings from other people
Taking poor treatment from other individuals
How can I overcome my fear of rejection?
Dealing with rejection is an inevitable part of life, whether you were ghosted by someone you cared about or denied admission from your dream college. Regardless of the case scenario, practicing self-care and building up your self-confidence are great ways to get back on track, breaking your cycle of avoidance and isolation. Once you break the cycle, you will no longer feel stuck, alone, or scared.
When you truly know that you are enough and no external sources are going to validate you, you will erase your fear of rejection.
Acknowledge and receive your fear
While this may seem like the last thing in the world that you want to do, accepting and noticing that your fear is present is a big step towards releasing the control it has over you. Beating yourself up for feeling your feelings will only make the situation, and your anxiety, worse in the long-run. For example, say that someone is going to their college’s open house and they are feeling nervous about it. This person may feel worried that people will not like them or that people at the college will reject them.
Instead of simply noticing this fear, a person will begin the cycle of negative self-talk. They talk down to themselves for being so fearful and not being a “normal” person. They may begin to spiral with a multitude of things they struggle with. To break this habit, try to be an observer of your thoughts without attributing emotion to them.
For help, check out our blog “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Negative Self-Talk.”
2. Do not give rejection power
Rejection is something that may happen to you, it is not who you are. You are your own unique human being and you have your own talents and interests outside of your fear of rejection. Your fear of rejection is a small part of who you are, it does not make up your entire identity. Just because the fear is there, it does not mean that you have to give it power.
3. Offer yourself some compassion
Treat yourself like you would treat a close friend or family member.
When you have a fear of rejection, you live with constant:
Anxiety
Uncertainty
Fear
If you struggle with a fear of rejection, you know that these are not easy things to deal with on a daily basis. Send yourself some compassion for all that you have endured.
When you practice self-compassion, you are treating yourself with the kindness, acceptance, and understanding that you deserve, even during times of rejection, isolation, and pain.
Here are some ways you can add self-compassion into your life:
Practice gratitude
Insert self-care into your weekly routine
Mindfulness meditation
Self-kindness (e.g., speaking to yourself in a gentle way)
Self-compassion break
This break technique was created by Dr. Kristen Neff where you acknowledge your suffering and that it is part of the human experience. After this acknowledgement, you give yourself some understanding and affection.
Set realistic expectations
4. Notice what the fear feels like physically
It is not uncommon for your fear to manifest in your physical body. When you are dealing with an undesired emotion, you may try to ‘think’ it away but, in reality, it just leads to you obsessing over the feeling. Instead of judging the emotion, just try to observe how it is coming up in your body. Is your heart racing? Is your stomach turning? Do you feel dizzy? Simply take note of what is coming up for you.
To get grounded, sit down or stand up still and take some deep breaths. From there, conduct a body scan from your head all the way down to your toes. Notice any sensations, including mild to discomfort and even a neutral response. Notice where the fear is residing in your body.
5. Meet new people with the help of an exposure therapist
When you are living in constant fear of social interactions that may lead to rejection, meeting new people can seem overwhelming and intimidating. But, the more you do something, the easier it will become which is where Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) Therapy comes into play.
Here is a general guideline of what to expect when working with an ERP therapist at Anchor Therapy:
Understanding the fear
Creating a hierarchy
Exposure
Preventing avoidant behaviors
Learning coping strategies
Review
ERP counseling for rejection fear offer the following benefits:
Lessens avoidant behaviors
Lessens anxiety
Enhances emotional regulation
Enhances self-esteem
Enhances self-confidence
Improves social skills
Yield long-lasting results
Lessens interference with daily activities
When meeting new people, you can simply start by introducing yourself. Shake their hand, look them in the eyes, and ask for their name. While this is simple, it is not easy for all people.
Having a fear of rejection is not an easy thing to overcome, but it is possible. You deserve to live a life free from constant fear and worrying. Your fear of rejection may be the only thing standing in between you and your dream life!
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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