We all know that boundaries are healthy; however, we may not have a clear idea of exactly what they are. You may think of them as a property line or brick wall- something separating you from other people or a force of separation. With boundaries, it is important to note that boundaries are not rigid lines. Instead, boundaries are a vital form of self-care.
By understanding how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, you can avoid the effects of emotional build-up, such as:
Disappointment
Resentment
Anger (If you struggle with controlling your temper, check out our blog “The Most Important Things You Need To Know About Anger Management”)
Knowing how to set boundaries is an essential social skill although we may not always view it as a social requirement. The truth is that boundaries are rooted in good communication. The better you can express your boundaries, the more likely it is that they will be respected and upheld by loved ones. While you may need to reiterate your boundaries a few times to your family members and friends, you should never apologize for having boundaries.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, Florida, North Carolina, and Utah.
What are boundaries?
Just as we view certain life activities, such as exercise or budgeting, to be necessary things to do, we must view our boundaries in the same manner. Finding the time to set these boundaries and alter unhealthy behaviors can be challenging.
Boundaries can take many forms, from being strict to virtually nonexistent.
Rigid boundaries can look like…
Keeping other people at a distance
Being detached (even from romantic partners)
Having a few close relationships
Avoiding close relationships altogether
Loose or open boundaries can look like…
Getting too involved in other people’s problems
Finding it difficult to say “no” to people
Oversharing personal information with people
Seeking to please people due to a fear of rejection (If you struggle with people-pleasing, check out our blog “11 Reasons Why You Are A People-Pleaser”)
Many of us have a mix of boundaries, especially depending on the situation. For instance, you may hold strict boundaries with your boss, but have more relaxed boundaries with your family and friends.
There can even be cultural differences in boundary-setting work. For example, in some cultures, it may not be viewed as appropriate for someone to overshare detailed aspects of their life at any time whereas it may be encouraged in another culture.
What exactly constitutes healthy boundaries?
In our fast-paced world, it is tempting to not have boundaries due to external constraints. For instance, you may be so slammed at work that you decide to skip out on your sleep to be able to knock some tasks off of your to-do list. In the long-run, these “quick” fixes do not actually work and can lead to long-term mental health issues, like stress, anxiety, and insomnia.
Boundaries are a clear solution to our issues, but it can often be the last thing we want to do when under stress and experiencing anxiety.
In order to be your best self, you need to:
Feel secure and healthy
Understand your needs
Create tools to nourish yourself
Simply put, healthy boundaries are the restrictions you place on your time, feelings, body, and mental health. When you set and follow these limits, you will remain resilient and will be content with yourself. By having empowering boundaries, you protect yourself from being drained or used by other people.
The following topics are some common areas where boundaries are often placed:
Time
Social media (Read “Do I Have A Social Media Addiction?” for more information)
Morals and ethics
Material goods and finances
Emotional energy
Personal space
Sexuality
You can set boundaries with:
Romantic relationships
Coworkers
Friends
Family members
Strangers
Boundaries empower you to take control of your life.
When you have healthy boundaries and make your expectations crystal clear, you establish what kind of behavior you will accept from other people and you also establish what kind of behavior those other people can expect from you as well.
If you have healthy boundaries, you may:
Value your own opinions
Understand and accept when other people tell you “no”
Share personal information in an appropriate manner (e.g., not revealing too little or not revealing too much)
Understand your personal needs and wants and know how to effectively communicate them
What are the different types of boundaries?
No matter what the setting is (e.g., work, school, home, etc.), you have to understand the different types of boundaries to be able to set them.
There are five primary boundary types…
Physical - This refers to your personal space, body, and privacy. For instance, you may be someone who enjoys public displays of affection with your romantic partner in public.
Sexual - This involves your expectations of intimacy. Sexual comments or touches may feel comfortable or uncomfortable to you.
Intellectual - Intellectual boundaries concern your beliefs and thoughts. If someone dismisses your idea or opinion, your intellectual boundary has been crossed.
Emotional - This involves your emotions. You may be someone who feels comfortable sharing your deepest feelings with a friend.
Financial - Your financial boundaries concern your money - what you feel comfortable spending your money on and what you do not wish to spend your money on.
When examining your boundaries, you should aim to take all five of these facets into account.
Why do we need boundaries?
Personal boundaries are essential for many healthy life factors, such as a healthy work-life balance. If you struggle with maintaining a good work-life balance, our blog “3 Ways To Achieve Work-Life Balance.”
Without healthy boundaries, you may lose yourself in your work, relationship, familial obligations, social events, and so on. When you continuously do this, you may easily fall into a pattern where you are exploited and taken advantage of due to your kind nature.
These boundaries will help you understand what to say “yes” to and what to say “no” to. In other words, you gain a sense of agency and independence.
Having good boundaries means that you can live life on your terms.
What are some ways that I can set and maintain healthy boundaries?
Are you not sure how to create new boundaries? On the other hand, do you have boundaries, but have a hard time enforcing them? Whatever situation you are in, this blog can help! Keep reading for some helpful tips…
Reflect On Why You Want To Set Your Boundaries
If you want to be successful in creating and enforcing your boundaries, you must dig deep and get to the root cause- why did you create this boundary? Perhaps you had a negative situation in the past and you do not want to repeat it. Maybe a new life transition is causing this need for change and stronger boundaries.
You must understand each of your boundaries, and outline why they are important to you and how they will benefit your mental health.
Try to take a step back and see the bigger picture- look into your mind. Oftentimes, we may have a situation or event that makes us uncomfortable, but we are unable to pinpoint exactly why this discomfort appears and lingers. The first step in creating boundaries is to do some self-exploration and see what is happening to you.
2. Set Healthy Boundaries On Social Media
Social media platforms give you the ability to connect with people all over the world, but it is also a space where boundaries get blurred.
For example, there can be a lot of oversharing. If you view a specific action as boundary-crossing in real life, you may not view it the same in the digital world. It is important to remember that your concerns are no less real just because it is online. If it is distressing to you, you do not have to post it on social media.
3. Let People Know When They Cross Your Boundaries
Communication is important, especially when you are first stating your boundaries. It can also be especially important to verbalize your thoughts when your boundaries are being violated. When you raise your concerns, it does not have to be confrontational.
For example, let us say that your best friend contacts you through all hours of the day, even working hours. If this friend messages you multiple times in a row, hour-after-hour, you can respond with a message along the lines of: “I can tell that you really want to get in touch with me, so the best thing to do is send me one message and I will call you when I get the chance.” With this response, you are showing up for your friend while asserting your limits.
4. Practice Self-Love
In order for your boundaries to be rooted, you must have the self-confidence needed to hold them. That is to say, you need to show yourself some love. You can do this by practicing a form of self-care that you hold near and dear to you. For more information, read our blog “The 8 Forms of Self-Care & How You Can Practice Them.”
You may have a repeating narrative in your head that is telling you that you are unlovable or unworthy. If that is your thought process, it will be hard to put boundaries in place that are healthy for you and protect you. A lot of it comes down to your self-esteem and the value you place on yourself. Click “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?“ to learn more.
By engaging in self-care regularly, you can change your internal dialogue and feel more deserving of all of the good coming your way.
5. Gain Perspective On Your Boundaries
When your boundaries are non-existent, your mental health suffers. However, if you take it a step too far with your boundaries, like having unrealistic expectations of other people or over-thinking your limits, it can damage your emotional health.
Aim to get a healthy level of thinking about your boundaries. You should have some, but do not get lost in them.
6. Work With A Psychodynamic Therapist
In psychodynamic therapy, you will work to understand your thoughts and feelings, taking past experiences into account. By working with a psychodynamic counselor, you can understand why it may feel so challenging to create boundaries at times.
Your past can inform the present moment which may shine light on why you are having difficulty setting boundaries. For example, if you are a people-pleaser, it is likely that you developed this tendency as a child. You may feel the need to continuously “give” to other people because that is how your worth was defined during childhood. In psychodynamic therapy, you will work to uncover the root cause of your inability to set boundaries while also learning practical tools to create and enforce these restrictions moving forward.
Your psychodynamic therapist will work hand-in-hand with you to ensure that you are learning self-empowerment and assertiveness skills. In psychodynamic counseling, you will also learn healthy coping skills to manage any emotional discomfort you may feel when setting your limits with other people.
At Anchor Therapy, we have therapists who specialize in psychodynamic counseling. Our therapists offer in-person sessions at our Hoboken, New Jersey office. Additionally, we offer telehealth services to all residents of New Jersey, encompassing Bergen County, Jersey City, and Montclair. Our online therapy services also extend to residents of New York, Florida, Utah, and North Carolina.
Overall, you should not feel guilty about setting boundaries. Instead, view it as an essential thing to do for your mental, physical, and emotional health. It is a form of self-care that you should embed into your daily life. Just like you eat well-balanced meals and move your body, setting boundaries should be a no-brainer.
While it may take time and consideration in the beginning, you will never regret establishing boundaries. In the end, your mental health will appreciate it!
At their core, your boundaries are just what you give power to. They make you analyze what you are expecting of yourself and the people around you. Remember, boundaries differ from person-to-person so, what is right for you, may not be right for your family member and friend, or vice versa. There may be a period of trial-and-error but it is all a part of the process.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Office Manager at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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