You may feel as if your relationship has recently become a raw nerve. Every little thing is hitting that nerve and triggering an argument. You and your partner can not seem to get through a day without fighting. It feels absolutely exhausting. It may seem like there is no other option but to take time apart. You find you are walking on eggshells in fear of triggering the next disagreement. You both are growing further apart from one another.
Don’t lose hope yet- there may be a way to heal this raw nerve and decrease the frequency and intensity of arguments. Seeking out couples counseling and better understanding the risks for divorce can help you significantly shift the dynamics that have been occurring in your marriage. Identifying the common communication errors and working on minimizing them will make a positive change in how you relate to one another.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with psychotherapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, and life transitions. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and telehealth (video/phone) sessions to residents of New Jersey and New York.
Benefits of Improved Communication:
Feeling heard and understood
Improvement in trust
Feeling closer to your partner
Working as a team rather than against one another
Less intense and less frequent arguments
As a couple’s therapist, I am often being asked how couples can work on their marriage, work on communication and avoid divorce. While there is no easy way to avoid marital problems, it is possible to improve communication so that when problems arise, couples can work together as a united front. In order to improve communication it is helpful to better understand the risk factors which often lead to divorce. These risk factors primarily come down to a breakdown in communication. When there is a breakdown in communication, problems are inevitable.
Communication Risk Factors for Divorce:
Contempt
Defensiveness
Criticism
Stonewalling
Gaslighting
1. What is contempt?
Contempt is when language is used to put down your partner. When you are name calling, acting condescending or trying to make your partner feel worthless then it is a form of contempt. Most of the time you are not consciously using this language but are using it out of frustration, anger and helplessness. Using this style of communication is a major risk factor for divorce.
Examples of contempt:
“You are so lazy, you never help around the house.”
“I do everything, you are useless.”
“What is wrong with you? Why can’t you do anything right?”
These phrases may seem true in the moment you are using them, but in reality they are often an exaggeration of the truth to put the other person down. You do this when you are feeling isolated, unsupported and angry. You want the other person to recognize just how much you are doing. However, it is not a fair portrayal of your partner and will only degrade the relationship.
Corrective ways of communicating:
“I am feeling burnt out, I could really use your help with the laundry today.”
“When you come home and turn on the TV it bothers me because I could really use your support at that time with the baby.”
“I am annoyed because I explained how to do this a few times. Sometimes I feel like you are not listening to me or it is not important to you.”
2. What is defensiveness?
Defensiveness is a survival instinct kicking in to defend your perspective. Often you use it if you want to feel heard and want to get a point across. Defensiveness is when you try to articulate your perspective immediately after your partner shares their perspective. When your partner is trying to get their point across and you find yourself immediately responding with your side of the story instead of listening to their perspective and responding to their viewpoint you are acting defensive.
Examples of defensiveness:
Your partner shares they feel unsupported and you immediately respond that you feel unsupported too.
Your partner says that your action made them angry and you respond that they made you angry last week and that has not been addressed yet.
Your perspective is not incorrect, but the timing of when you deliver your perspective is defensive. It may be true that your partner made you angry last week and that you feel unsupported, but it deflects from what your partner first shared.
Corrective ways of communicating:
“I am really sorry you are feeling unsupported. What can I do to better support you?”
“I get what I did was frustrating, I genuinely did not mean to make you angry. It was an accident.”
3. What is Criticism?
Criticism is when you express judgement for the actions of your partner. You perceive their actions to be incorrect or inadequate.
Examples of criticism:
“That’s the wrong outfit for the baby. Didn’t you see I put the clothes over there?”
“You’re handling the bills wrong. Do it this way.”
It may be true that you had a different idea of handling something or even a better way of managing a certain matter. However, when you criticize you fail to take into perspective that your partner also has ways of doing things that may be different from you and is not always wrong.
Corrective ways to communicate:
“I was thinking of having the baby wear this outfit today because it is a bit cold outside. Does that work?”
“I keep track of the bills by entering it on the spreadsheet so that I do not forget what I paid. Would you mind putting it on the spreadsheet to help us keep it organized?”
4. What is stonewalling?
Stonewalling is when you avoid communication by either removing yourself physically, not providing an answer, or providing evasive responses.
Examples of stonewalling:
You are in the middle of an argument and you remove yourself, get in your car and go.
Your partner is talking to you and you shut down and just respond with “okay” or “fine”.
Removing yourself from an argument may feel like the only option. It is a temporary way to reduce conflict and avoid an explosion. However, abruptly shutting down or withdrawing is just a refusal to communicate. There are ways to take space that can be healthier than stonewalling. Asking your partner for some space to reflect or process is one way to communicate without abruptly withdrawing.
Corrective ways to communicate:
“I hear what you are saying but I am feeling overwhelmed. I am going to go for a walk and when I come back we can talk about it more.”
“I think we are not going to be able to resolve this tonight. I need to sleep on it before I say things that I am going to regret.”
5. What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is often understood as a conscious way of manipulating someone to question their sanity, purposefully twisting a scenario to fit your narrative. However, gaslighting can be unconscious as well. You may genuinely feel as if your partner is crazy and that the scenario did not happen. You may use language that negates your partner’s experience.
Examples of unconscious gaslighting:
“I definitely did not say that. You have your facts wrong.”
“You have no clue what you are talking about. It did not happen that way.”
Often we see scenarios differently than our partners and it makes us feel as if they are not seeing the truth or how things actually happened. However, if you negate their experience you are using language that can make someone feel insane and completely confused.
Corrective ways to communicate:
“I did not realize you took it that way. I saw things differently. Can you explain what it is you experienced?”
“We seem to be on different pages. I need to try to wrap my mind around what you are sharing because I feel like it is very different from my perspective.”
Contempt, defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling and gaslighting are common communication styles that often degrade relationships and can lead to divorce. Couples rarely ever purposefully utilize any of these styles and the intention is most often not malicious. However, the delivery is just as important as the message. By finding different ways of delivering your perspective you can better get across the message and improve communication in your marriage or relationship.
Couples therapy can help you better recognize communication patterns and work on changing them. Changing your communication will not get rid of your problems but it will make it easier for you to work through your problems in a marriage. It is beneficial to seek out therapy or couples therapy if you find yourself using this kind of language. Having a non-biased third party can help you recognize your communication patterns and change them to articulate your point more effectively in a supportive manner. By changing your communication patterns you can better work in a team with your partner on the problems that arise and better avoid divorce.
Elena Lucanie, LPC, LMHC
is a licensed psychotherapist and Community Engagement Director practicing in Hoboken, New Jersey. She specializes in helping teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, substance abuse, relationship issues, and life transitions through counseling. Elena can help NJ and NY residents through telehealth (video/phone) therapy sessions as well.
