When someone is gaslighting you, you question everything. Nothing means anything. The reality you thought you once knew seemingly does not exist anymore. Your world is turned upside down.
Many young adults and teens have become much more open with their mental health, resulting in the popularity of the term ‘gaslighting.’ Simply put, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. Greater awareness of gaslighting is an amazing thing since people know about this type of emotional abuse and can avoid potentially abusive and unhealthy relationships.
However, before you accuse someone of gaslighting you, it is important to know all of the information so you can look for and pinpoint real signs of gaslighting.
Let us explore the true meaning of gaslighting and how to survive this form of emotional abuse…
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, Florida, North Carolina, and Utah.
What does gaslighting really mean?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation. In a gaslighting dynamic, the abuser casts self-doubt and confusion on the victim. This is very typical for gaslighters as they aim to gain authority and control over the other person. They do this by altering reality and making them question their own point of view and intuition.
Gaslighting is typically done over an extended period of time which causes the victim to question their own understanding of their reality, questioning their thoughts or memories.
When someone has been gaslighting, they may experience:
Confusion
Loss of confidence (Read “The Ultimate Guide to Building Self-Confidence” for support)
Loss of self-esteem (Check out our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?” for more information)
Uncertainty of their own mental stability
The ultimate result of gaslighting is ultimate dependence on the abuser.
Where does gaslighting occur?
It is common for gaslighting to occur in a toxic relationship as it is closely related to other forms of physical and emotional abuse. If you fear you may be in an unhealthy connection, read the following blog “How To Tell If You’re In A Toxic Relationship.”
Gaslighting is most common in romantic relationships, but it can also occur with family and friends, or in the workplace.
Additionally, you can even gaslight yourself! Self-gaslighting is something that happens internally- it is not coming from an external source. In other words, you do it to yourself. For instance, when trying to recall what your friend said last week at dinner, you will say to yourself “You are remembering it wrong.”
Some examples of self-gaslighting include:
Convincing yourself that you are not a victim of sexual trauma
Telling yourself that you will not be good at a new hobby
Telling yourself that you are overreacting after a fight with your romantic partner
Thinking it must not have occurred that way in childhood since your siblings do not have the same experience
Minimizing your trauma because your abuser was “going through a hard time”
Telling yourself not to complain because “other people have it worse”
Self-gaslighting can impact your emotional and mental well-being. To learn more, read our past blog “How You Are Gaslighting Yourself.”
People who gaslight other people may have their own mental health disorders, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. For a narcissistic person, they have an inability to feel the emotions of others and want people to admire and respect them, thus resulting in extreme tactics, such as gaslighting, in some cases. Check out our blog “8 Tips for Dealing With A Narcissist” for more information.
Overall, the abuser employs this form of emotional abuse, also known as gaslighting, to exert power over the victim to effectively manipulate them.
How do I know if someone is gaslighting me?
Gaslighting is not always overt. In fact, it almost never is. Gaslighting is a tool that undermines your perception of reality. When someone is gaslighting you, your knee-jerk reaction is to question yourself. Do you really remember that event the right way? Is your perception of the situation wrong?
After having a conversation with your gaslighter, you may be left feeling confused and even questioning what is wrong with you. You may blame yourself for a situation or force yourself into believing that you are just being too sensitive.
Gaslighting confuses you to the point where you question your:
Judgment
Memory
Self-worth
Overall mental health
Therefore, it can be helpful to know the signs of gaslighting so you can call it out or leave the relationship when you see it.
What are the signs of gaslighting?
If you are questioning if you are being gaslighted, it can be helpful to know the signs of the behavior first. Read the following signs of gaslighting in a relationship to decipher if your partner; family member; friend; or boss or co-worker is gaslighting you…
Lying to you
One of the most common signs of gaslighting is when your gaslighter lies to you. They may lie about situations, deny accusations, or even refuse to admit their lie when confronted with proof.
People who gaslight are typically habitual and pathological liars. It is also typical for them to exhibit narcissistic qualities.
Your gaslighter may blatantly lie or never back down or change their stories, even after you have called them out. Many people think that they may be able to simply call out their abuser and then the gaslighting will stop; however, that is very rarely the case. Your gaslighter is aware of their behavior, but they do not want you to be aware of it. Thus, they will do anything in their power to make you question your reality so you rely on them and their perception.
Some common phrases your gaslighter may use include:
“You are just making things up”
“You are delusional”
“That never happened”
Remember that lying and misrepresentation are the two biggest red flags of gaslighting. Even when your gaslighter is not being honest with you, he or she may be so convincing that you believe them in the moment. Then, you fall into a pattern of second-guessing yourself.
Belittling you and your point of view
Your gaslighter will often insist that the behavior or event you witnessed did not occur the way you are recalling it. As if it is not enough to have you question your own sanity, they also aim to alter your perception amongst other people, such as your friends and family.
It is not uncommon for a gaslighter to spread rumors and gossip about you to other people even if you are the closest person to them, like a romantic partner. Your gaslighter may spread this gossip under the guise of “concern.” For example, they may confide in your best friend that you have been acting “emotionally unstable” or “crazy” and they are worried about you. Unfortunately, this can be effective at times, making many people side with the abuser since they do not know the full story.
Another popular form of manipulation is when the gaslighter tells you that other people already think poorly of you. This person may have never said one bad thing about you, but your gaslighter is so convincing that you believe them.
Discrediting your thoughts and feelings
One way for your gaslighter to shift the blame in your relationship is to minimize your thoughts and feelings. They may ask you “Why are you so sensitive?” or demeaningly tell you to “calm down.” These types of statements not only minimize your thoughts and feelings, but they discredit you as well.
When your loved one does not acknowledge your thoughts, feelings, or values, it may lead you to question them. You may never feel validated or understood in your relationship. This can be isolating and difficult to cope with.
Shifting the blame
The specialty of a gaslighter is shifting the blame. Every discussion gets turned around to where you are the person to blame for all of the relationship’s problems. Even when you try to avoid pointing fingers and simply discuss how the abuser’s actions are making you feel, they twist the conversation and you are left wondering if you are the trigger for bad behavior.
For example, your partner may say “Well if you did not put me down in front of your parents yesterday, none of this would be happening right now.”
Using sweet words as weapons
When your gaslighter fears that you are slipping away, they may try to get you back under their control immediately. They may do this by saying sweet, compassionate things to you, but it is important to remember that they do not mean it. For example, they may say something like “You are the love of my life. You know I would never try to hurt you out of spite.”
These kind words may aim to smooth over the situation, but you should aim to understand that the words will not change anything. The emotional abuse still happened and the cycle of abuse will continue unless there is action to back up the words.
You may desperately want to hear those kind words, but it is inauthentic. If someone truly loved you so much, they would not do things to hurt you on a continuous basis. When you let your gaslighter off the hook easily, it allows them to escape responsibility for their actions.
How can I respond to gaslighting?
The first step in responding to gaslighting is to make sure that what you are experiencing is actually gaslighting. True gaslighting is a cycle of manipulation. The person gaslighting you wants you to question yourself so you can rely on them and their perception of reality.
Let us take a closer look at this…
It is not enough for someone to simply disagree with your opinion for it to be gaslighting. Let us say that you are debating someone on a contentious political issue. You may think that you are 100% right and the other person may think that they are 100% right- it is hard to find a middle ground.
This person you are debating may tell you “I know what I am talking about. You are in the wrong.” This person’s intention is not to gaslight you, their intention is to win the debate. Sometimes, people feel convinced by their own knowledge or do not have knowledge of the evidence.
It is also possible for gaslighting to occur unintentionally. Maybe your partner is coming home from a long day at work and dismisses your feelings by saying “I do not have time to listen to this” or “you are being over-dramatic.” The responses are not helpful at all, but it also does not mean that your significant other wants to gaslight you.
If you are trying to decipher if you are being gaslighted or not, check-in with yourself and how you are feeling after speaking to the person. It is also important to look for a pattern of emotions, not a one-off occurrence.
2. The second step in a gaslighting connection is to remove yourself from the situation which is not always an easy thing to do, especially when you are in the thick of it.
When you are being gaslighted, your emotions are running high. You may be experiencing the following emotions:
It is okay to experience a range of emotions, but try to avoid letting your emotions control your actions, especially right after a gaslighting experience. When you remain calm, you can view the situation in an unbiased light and handle it more effectively.
When you stay calm, you give yourself the space to focus on the truth and not fall for anymore gaslighting techniques. When your gaslighter sees you in a state of distress, they may try to manipulate you more given your vulnerable state.
To get some space, you could physically leave the situation or suggest talking about it with that person at another time. By stepping away, you can clear your mind and refocus.
3. Your third move should be remaining confident in your perception of the events.
Everyone remembers things a little differently and, after a conversation with your gaslighter, you may think “What if it did happen that way they are saying it did?”. Regardless of your thoughts surrounding the situation, do not give into your abuser’s way of thinking. Do not give into the urge to question your perception of the events. Your gaslighter wants you to question your reality.
You know what happened. Your memories serve you well. Do not lose confidence in that.
If your gaslighter is continuing to challenge you when you try to talk about the situation again, do not get drawn into the conflict. When you are arguing, you are in a position where manipulative tactics may be used. You can respond with a simple statement like: “We remember things differently so I am not going to argue about it.” You can avoid further discussion by changing the topic or leaving the room.
Obviously, simply changing the topic or leaving the situation does not solve your issues in the long-term. There are still serious issues that need to be worked through if you want your relationship to work.
To work through any gaslighting issues, seeking the help of a professional therapist is best. Whether you are working through your issues together as a couple or you are seeking individual trauma support for your emotional abuse, our therapists here at Anchor Therapy are here to help!
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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