Infertility is a problem across many cultures, impacting millions of adults and couples and taking a toll on their mental health during the process. It is understandable how infertility may impact you or your partner. You may have had a dream of becoming a parent and creating your own family but, now, you feel like you are being robbed of that dream. As an individual trying for a child, it is common to experience increased levels of anxiety and emotional distress. If you are in a position where fertility treatments are not successful, it is common to experience grief and loss.
As you move forward on your journey to parenthood, taking care of your mental health is one of the most important things you can do during this life transition.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
An Overview of Infertility on Mental Health
Although it is not talked about often, infertility is common. Infertility can be defined as the inability to conceive after 12 months of regular, unprotected intercourse.
It is estimated that one in eight couples will have difficulty sustaining a pregnancy or getting pregnant. The connection between infertility and mental health is complex.
In recent years, the number of people seeking fertility treatments has increased due to several factors.
The following factors have contributed to more couples seeking treatments for fertility:
Development of newer, more successful fertility treatments
Postponement of childbearing in women
Increasing awareness of available fertility treatments
The inability to conceive easily forces you to rethink a lot of aspects of your life and can lead to a great sense of loss. It can even lead to a significant life crisis.
While each person’s feelings vary when it comes to infertility, some common reactions can include:
Anger (If you are struggling with anger, check out our past blog “The Most Important Things You Need To Know About Anger Management”)
Grief (Check out our blog “Grief: How to Cope With Losing A Loved One” for more information)
Sadness
Shame
As a couple, you may feel isolated and stigmatized, especially if you have family members and friends who are getting pregnant easily and moving onto the next stage of their parenthood journey. You may find it difficult to be surrounded by other couples and children.
As a couple, you may experience:
Stigma
Sense of loss
Diminished self-esteem (Read “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”)
How Can Infertility Impact Mental Health?
Parenthood is a major life transition for men and women alike.
Along with the non-fulfilment of a wish for a child comes stress. Additional emotional symptoms can include:
Anger
Marital problems
Sexual dysfunction
Social isolation
The experience of infertility and its treatments is very stressful and can impact more than your romantic life. It can affect your performance at school or work and your dynamic with your friends and family.
Going Through Infertility Treatments
Fertility concerns can create a lot of tension in a romantic connection and it is easy to see why. At the core of infertility treatments is trying to manage the psychological stress and anxiety of an unknown future. There are many worries in this process, including how the dynamic between you and your partner may change and the financial aspect of it.
Your brain is constantly trying to predict what is going to happen next. This is your brain’s automatic response because it gives your body and mind the chance to prepare for what is to come. In uncertain circumstances, it is a lot harder for your brain to do this work.
When you are dealing with this type of stress, you may experience a mixture of emotions. Let us examine the feelings you may experience during your fertility treatments…
How Infertility Can Cause Depression
Depression is not just feeling sad or down- it is much more complex than that. Depression is a mental health condition that is categorized by a persistent, severe low mood. Being caught in the cycle of the ups and downs of a fertility treatment has a higher chance of getting depressed.
Major depression includes symptoms of depressed mood or loss of interest that interferes with daily activities for at least two weeks. Depression can impact people of all ages, races, ethnicities, and genders.
If you have been experiencing the following signs and symptoms most of the day for nearly every day for two weeks, you may be experiencing depression…
Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
Feelings of irritability, frustration, or restlessness
Persistent sad, anxious, or an “empty” mood
Feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, or guilt
Decreased energy or fatigue
Loss of interest in hobbies you previously enjoyed
Difficulty concentrating or remembering things
Having a hard time making decisions
Sleep difficulties (e.g., not sleeping enough or sleeping too much)
Appetite or weight changes
Physical pains and aches (e.g., headaches, cramps, digestive issues, etc.)
Thoughts of death or suicide attempts (feeling suicidal? Help is only a phone call away at the free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988)
It is important to remember that not everyone who is depressed will experience all of the above symptoms. Some people may experience a handful of symptoms while others may experience every single one. Depressive symptoms impact your day-to-day functioning and can cause a lot of distress for the person experiencing it.
Depression also includes additional mood and behavior changes, such as:
Feeling restless or on edge
Problems with sexual desire or performance
Increased use of alcohol and/or drugs
Greater impulsivity
Increased engagement in high-risk activities
Becoming withdrawn, negative, or detached
Isolating from family and friends
Depression can look different in men and women. For example, a woman’s depression may manifest as sadness while it may look like anger in men. Additionally, men are more likely to use drugs and alcohol to cope compared to women. For more information, read our blog “Men’s Mental Health: Why You Need To Ask For Help.”
How Infertility Can Cause anxiety
When you feel anxious, you feel overwhelming dread. Anxiety makes it difficult to manage your stress and control your worries. You may worry more than seems warranted or you may train your brain to always see the worst case scenario.
You may feel anxious about going through a fertility treatment. The further you go into fertility treatments, the more you may display symptoms of anxiety and depression.
Common signs and symptoms of anxiety include:
Having a sense of impending danger, doom, or panic
Having an increased heartbeat
Breathing rapidly or hyperventilating
Feeling nervous or restless
Feeling weak or tired
Sweating
Trembling
Trouble concentrating
Having trouble sleeping
Experiencing gastrointestinal (GI) issues
Having difficulty controlling your worries
Having the urge to avoid things that trigger your anxiety
There are several types of anxiety disorders, including:
Agoraphobia (If you struggle with agoraphobia, read our blog “3 Steps To Overcoming Agoraphobia”)
Anxiety disorder due to a medical condition
Generalized anxiety disorder
Panic disorder (Read “4 Ways To Cope With A Panic Disorder”)
Selective mutism
Separation anxiety disorder
Social anxiety disorder (For help, check out our blog “6 Helpful Tips for Living with Social Anxiety”)
Specific phobias
Other specified anxiety disorders
How Infertility Can Cause Irritability
During fertility treatment, you may find yourself becoming angry or irritable. When you undergo a medical procedure, you feel vulnerable and exposed. In some situations, you may even feel helpless. These feelings alone will add fuel to the fire of your anger and irritability.
One way to manage your anger and irritability is to reframe your thoughts. It can be easy to compare your life to the next person’s and overlook the good components of your life, so it all comes down to gratitude. Take a step back and think “what do I appreciate about my life?”. Doing this exercise does not take away from the fertility hardships you are facing, but it shows that your life has dimension- everything is not black and white, good or bad.
How Infertility Can Cause Jealousy
Jealousy is one of the most common symptoms of infertility struggles. You may question your spiritual beliefs during this period of time and feel like life is not fair. When you see other people reaching your goals, you may feel consumed by your emotions.
Although jealousy is painful to deal with, you can also view your jealous feelings as signals of what you want in life. After all, jealousy normally shows you what you value the most. Acknowledge your feelings instead of trying to push them down as they are not going anywhere. When you understand the underlying issue, it is easier to navigate your mental health concerns and manage your feelings effectively.
How Infertility Can Cause Grief
Loss can take many forms in your fertility journey. You may be grieving the loss of what you imagined to be a normal pregnancy or method of conceiving. Other times, you may be grieving a miscarriage or a failed In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) cycle.
You can be mourning the loss of an imagined family or the loss of being related to your child if you used a donor egg or sperm.
While these losses are not always visible to other people, they are very much real and can contribute to the grief you may experience.
To learn more about your grief, read “Am I Experiencing Complicated & Traumatic Grief?”.
How Can Working With A Life Transitions Therapist Help Me Through My Infertility Journey?
Psychological intervention, such as mental health counseling, can help you along your journey to parenthood.
At Anchor Therapy, we have both male and female therapists who can help you with the wide range of emotions you may be experiencing, from anxiety to grief.
All of our therapists at Anchor Therapy specialize in the evidence-based therapeutic method of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT therapy is a form of psychotherapy that highlights the role of thinking. CBT counseling can teach you how your thoughts impact your feelings and actions.
A CBT therapist can teach you how to stop thinking negative thoughts regarding your infertility journey. For example, you may be thinking “I will never have a baby” or “It is all of my fault that I cannot have a baby.” By undergoing behavioral therapy, you learn that these thoughts are not true. Instead, you learn how to think positive thoughts rooted in reality.
When you learn how to challenge your thoughts with the help of our behavioral therapists, you can examine them and learn how to replace them with nurturing ones.
We offer telehealth counseling to all residents of New Jersey, including Jersey City, Montclair, and Bergen County. We also offer online therapy to residents of New York and Florida.
Anchor Therapy’s office is located in downtown Hoboken, New Jersey for in-person sessions. Our beautiful office is located conveniently by public transportation making it an easy commute.
I know someone going through fertility treatments. How can I support them?
Supporting someone going through this major life transition is admirable. The biggest goal may be to reduce the stigma so that people feel more comfortable opening up, discussing their miscarriages, perinatal losses, and general infertility.
The following are some comments you should avoid making:
“Just have faith in God- it will happen eventually.”
“Trying is the fun part. Don’t stress it!”
“Just relax. It will happen.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Instead of the above comments, you can try to offer words of support. It is normal to tense up during these difficult conversations as well. You may not know what to say or how to offer valuable support.
All that you can do is offer your compassion during this time.
Some compassionate statements include:
“I am so sorry for your loss. I am coming over.”
“How are you doing?”
“I wish you did not have to go through this.”
“Infertility is challenging. I am here if you want to talk about it.”
Overall, infertility is difficult to experience. You may question the world around you or rethink your entire future. It is normal to experience a wide range of emotions during this time period, ranging from anxiety and depression to rage and grief. It can be hard to experience these complex emotions, so working with a certified therapist can help you through this process. Specifically, a CBT therapist at Anchor Therapy will teach you how to reframe your thoughts to think about the situation in a more positive, realistic way.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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