If you are single and looking for a partner, chances are that you probably are familiar with the anxieties of dating. Generally, not many people like dating. When you are dating, you are meeting new people and you may feel scrutinized. You may even fear that you will do or say something to embarrass yourself.
The truth is putting yourself out there is hard. The thought of being vulnerable can be anxiety-provoking. However, for people who struggle with anxiety disorders, dating can be even more complicated and hard. For people with an anxiety disorder, the body responds differently than it would as a natural response to simply being nervous. This additional level of difficulty can make people with anxiety disregard dating altogether.
Dating can be a situation with many scary, unknown possibilities. There may be awkward small talk or other unknown factors, like if your date will show up or if you will get rejected. Eventually, this anxiety and shyness can lead to an avoidance of meeting new people. It can also lead to a sense of hopelessness about finding an acceptable partner and a sense of isolation.
If you struggle with social anxiety and have been going on dates or are even currently seeing someone, your experience might be affected by worry or panic attacks where the experiences are no longer enjoyable.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with psychotherapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, and life transitions. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and telehealth (video/phone) sessions to residents of New Jersey and New York.
What is social anxiety?
Feeling nervous every once in a while is part of the human experience. Whether you need to present a project at school or it is your first day at a new job, there are many experiences that can leave you feeling like you have butterflies in your stomach. However, for someone with Social Anxiety Disorder, also known as social phobia, daily interactions can feel overwhelming. They can trigger great anxiety, self-consciousness and even embarrassment since you may fear being judged negatively by your peers.
Social Anxiety Disorder can lead to avoidance of specific situations that cause your anxiety, like dating and finding a partner. It can impact your relationships, school, work, daily routines, or other activities.
What are the symptoms of anxiety?
When you are shy or uncomfortable in certain social situations, it does not automatically mean that you have social anxiety. Your comfort levels may look different depending on the situation and your familiarity with the environment. Your comfort level also depends on your personality traits and life experiences.
The emotional symptoms of social anxiety include:
Fear of situations where you may be negatively judged
Fright of interacting with or talking to strangers
Constant worrying about how you may embarrass or humiliate yourself
Dread that other people may find out about your anxiety
Fear of showcasing your physical anxiety symptoms (e.g., blushing, trembling, dizziness, shaking voice, etc.)
Avoidance of completing activities that may trigger your anxiety
Avoidance of situations where the attention may be on you
Experiencing anxiety before a feared activity
Intense fear during social situations
Analyzing yourself after a social event or activity and pinpointing your flaws
Expecting the worst outcome during a social situation
The physical symptoms of social anxiety include:
Difficulty catching your breath
Dizziness or lightheadedness
Muscle tension
Blushing
Rapid heartbeat
Trembling
Sweating
Upset stomach or nausea
Feeling like your mind is blank
Symptoms of social anxiety can change over time. When you are putting yourself in a lot of social situations, like going out on a lot of dates, your symptoms may flare up. While avoiding dates or other possibilities to find a romantic partner may feel good in the short term, it will only allow your anxiety to grow in the long run.
Why do I feel anxious before going on a date?
Intimate relationships can enhance your personality. So, if you are struggling with anxiety, it will show up in your relationship. Anxiety is rooted in your thinking patterns and, luckily, that is something you can change.
When our mind is coming from a place of anxiety and you start thinking in the long-term, you will seek out situations that confirm your fears and beliefs. For example, if you think that you are unlovable, you may find it hard to believe that someone loves you. Then, your brain may look for situations to confirm its suspicions.
How do I change my thinking patterns?
Negative thought cycles may have held you back in the past, but they do not have to have power over you anymore! You can change your thinking patterns by employing the following tactics:
Admit Your Anxiety
If you find yourself getting anxious before a date, do not try to hide your feelings. When you try to hide your anxiety, you will only make yourself more anxious. When you try to keep your anxiety a secret, it distracts you from having fun with your dating experiences.
Communication is key to any relationship and being honest early on can help you. When you disclose your feelings, it erases their negative power. With that being said, disclosing details of your anxiety can feel intimidating. When you are first dating someone, it is completely up to you how much or how little you disclose.
Since many people experience nervousness or anxiety before a date, it could serve as a bonding experience for you and your partner.
2. Prepare Yourself
While you may want to mention your anxiety on your date, you definitely want to make sure you are also discussing things you enjoy! Just as you would treat any situation where you may be uncomfortable, preparation can help.
You can prepare some talking points or questions in advance of your date. The situation may feel overwhelming, but coming to a date prepared can make you feel more in control of the situation.
Generally, everybody likes to talk about themselves, so some of your go-to questions can be:
What is the last show you binge-watched on Netflix?
Who is your favorite artist?
When was the last trip you took?
3. Stay Present
If you find yourself struggling during the date, try to get out of your head and into the moment. When you get lost in your own thoughts and the “what ifs”, you are likely missing out on a large portion of your date.
You are the only person who can manage your anxiety. If you are unsure on how to manage your social anxiety, seeking the help of an anxiety therapist can help. Your anxiety should not stop you from living your life!
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark, planning to study Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. As a Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy, Victoria is committed to producing content for and managing the office’s social media presence and blog.
