Trust refers to the ability to rely on someone, encompassing that person’s character, strength, and ability to tell the truth. For any relationship to be secure and healthy, trust lays the groundwork. However, things can get in the way which makes trust difficult to achieve in a relationship. Sometimes, trust may not be genuine or present at all.
If one or both partners in a romantic relationship have trust issues, it could lead to them questioning the words and actions of their significant other frequently. Trust issues can also affect you individually, preventing you from stepping out into the romantic world and dating again.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Can you have a relationship without trust?
Trust can be broken in a relationship when betrayal, manipulation, or abandonment occurs. If you struggle with abandonment trauma, check out our blog “Healing Abandonment Trauma with Inner Work.”
Trust not only benefits the relationships in your life, but it also has the ability to impact your own emotional welfare.
When you are trustful, you can:
Be yourself
Be honest
Be vulnerable
Focus on the positive
Increase intimacy
Lessen conflict
Feel secure and safe
Trust gives you the chance to just be yourself and relax. While some people may view dependence on their partner as a bad thing, it is sometimes necessary.
For example, let us say that you and your partner just moved in together. You are no longer working virtually, and must return to the office for in-person work days again. Your partner works from home so, while you are at work, you rely on your partner to take the dog for walks throughout the day. For more information, read “How To Know If It’s The Right Time To Move In With Your Partner.”
When you have to rely on your partner, you should be able to do it and feel comfortable with the arrangement. Trust gives you the safety and security you need to be able to turn to your partner for comfort and reassurance. However, trust can become damaged over time.
If you want a healthy and fulfilling relationship, trust must be present.
What are trust issues a symptom of?
Trust issues are typically rooted in social experiences, such as one’s past romantic relationships or family dynamics. Research has shown that the ability to trust someone may rely on genetics whereas problems surrounding trust are more environmental.
People who struggle with trust issues have likely been betrayed in the past. Specifically, early childhood experiences can impact your ability to trust other people. To many psychologists and other mental health professionals, early years of life, also known as the developmental years, teach you about care and safety based on your experiences with the people around you. Your learning to trust or mistrust people can set the tone for many relationships throughout your life.
Trust issues can stem from a wide range of problems, including:
Infidelity:
Infidelity is an example of betrayal that can lead to major trust issues. For many people in relationships, infidelity is the ultimate form of betrayal. The victim of infidelity may develop trust issues which can impact their future relationships. It is also possible to recover a relationship after cheating. Check out our blog “4 Ways to Repair A Relationship After Infidelity.”
Childhood trauma:
As discussed, adverse childhood experiences can trigger trust issues. This can include examples of abuse and/or abandonment. For more information, check out our blogs “How Childhood Trauma Can Impact You As An Adult” and “How to Heal Childhood Trauma As An Adult.”
Parental conflicts:
If you grew up in a home where you witnessed trust problems between your parents or other family figures, you may develop trust issues. You may be worried that the same thing will happen to you if you enter a romantic relationship.
Attachment styles:
One’s attachment styles can play a role in their ability to develop trust issues. Your attachment style is essentially a characteristic pattern of your behavior in a relationship. If you have a secure attachment style, you may be more likely to trust other people. On the other hand, an insecure attachment style may bring about jealousy and anxiety in relationships. To find out what your attachment style is, read our blog “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?’.
Manipulation and/or mistreatment:
If you were manipulated or mistreated by a past romantic partner or loved one, it may be hard for you to open up and trust somebody again. Examples may include passive-aggressive behavior, isolating you from family and friends, dishonesty, and gaslighting. For support, read “3 Steps to Survive Gaslighting.”
Social rejection:
Rejection during your childhood and teen years may stick with you into adulthood. This can be rejection from peers or potential romantic interests. Your trust issues may be worsened when you can not pinpoint why you are being rejected or excluded. Rejection over and over again can be difficult to bear. For help, check out our blog “5 Ways to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection.”
Just because you may have experienced one or more of the above trust issues, it does not mean that you are bound to struggle with trust for the rest of your life. In fact, you may experience one of the above situations and be able to heal from it rather quickly without developing issues with trust.
If an issue is bringing pain to your life or making it hard to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships, it is recommended that you seek the help of a relationship therapist.
Are trust issues a red flag?
Every relationship has different dynamics, therefore the role that trust issues play in a relationship can range from being minimally disruptive to toxic and controlling.
For example, let us say that your partner was cheated on in their last long-term relationship. If they are not yet fully healed, it is expected that they will have suspicions from time-to-time. Even if your partner has done the work of emotional healing, he or she may get caught up in potentially triggering moments, like you not answering your phone while you are on a work trip for example.
However, trust issues can turn into something more serious if your partner begins demanding things of you that you do not feel comfortable with. Perhaps your partner’s trust issues are rooted in a need for control over you and the relationship. This can turn into unhealthy and even toxic behaviors, such as your partner isolating you from loved ones. For support, read “How To Tell If You’re In A Toxic Relationship.”
With that being said, trust issues do not automatically equate to being a red flag, but they can have the potential to be one. Trust issues simply signal unhealed emotional challenges.
Are trust issues a mental illness?
As mentioned previously, there are many reasons for the occurrence of trust issues. Having trust issues does not mean that you have a specific mental illness.
With that being said, trust issues can be indicative of certain mental disorders, such as:
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD)
Bipolar Disorder I and II
These conditions can breed trust issues in a relationship because they may involve having irrational beliefs, experiencing cognitive distortions, and/or mood swings. These can all shift your perception of reality, thus impacting your relationship.
If you have one or more of the above mental health conditions and you do experience a breach of trust between you and a loved one, it will just appear to confirm your negative preconceived notions about people. This can cause the cycle of mistrust to continue and grow stronger than before.
Do I have trust issues?
It is likely that you have a general idea whether or not you have trust issues, especially after reading this blog. If you have a very hard time trusting other people, that is often a telltale sign that there is some deeper trauma work that needs to be completed so you can heal properly and move on with your life in a positive way. It is likely that you are struggling now because someone has betrayed your trust in the past.
Some behaviors that may indicate trust issues include the following:
You anticipate betrayal - Even when things are going well, you are patiently waiting for the other shoe to drop and for betrayal to occur
You are overly-protective - You are protective over your loved ones because you are afraid that disloyalty will occur
Always assuming the worst - You may automatically assume the worst about people even if their actions have proved otherwise. For instance, if a friend helps you with a task, you think they will throw it in your face later down the line
Self-sabotage - Trust issues typically evolve into self-sabotage. You may sabotage a healthy relationship because you assume it will end in disaster, so you might as well ruin it now. If you struggle with self-sabotage, our blog “How To Stop Self-Sabotaging for Good” is a must-read
Unhealthy relationships - Your trust issues prevent you from forming healthy connections with people, so you may find yourself in unhealthy relationship patterns, such as dating emotionally unavailable people
You distance yourself from people - To feel safe, you build a wall between yourself and other people. In your mind, by limiting relationships, you are also limiting the chance to be deceived or hurt again
You avoid commitment - Even if you love your partner very much, you will purposefully avoid commitment
You refuse to forgive people - People will make mistakes from time-to-time, but as someone with trust issues, this may be a big no-no for you. Even the smallest of mistakes can feel like a major issue for you
You often feel lonely or depressed - Trust issues can cause you to isolate yourself from other people, making you feel lonely and depressed as a result. Take our Depression Quiz to find out if you are struggling
Do trust issues ever go away?
It is rare for trust issues to go completely away on their own. Most times, healing trust issues requires a lot of time, patience, and effort.
If left unhealed, a person may become so deeply intertwined with their trust issues that it becomes a part of their identity. Think about a person in a movie or tv show (or even your real life) who has been wronged in the past and now carries a pessimistic attitude and questions the motives of every person they meet. It is exhausting to live life that way.
Luckily, most times, trust issues can be resolved through mental health counseling.
How to trust people again
Fixing trust issues is not always simple as it largely depends on the reason why a person is struggling with those trust issues in the first place. Are you healing from infidelity? Are you trying to overcome your childhood trauma? Are you dealing with the symptoms of an anxiety disorder?
If your trust issues are getting in the way of building a fulfilling relationship, it is time to make a change.
You can try the following to heal your trust issues:
Understand Your Risk
In deciding to start a relationship with someone, you have to come to terms with the fact that there is an inherent amount of risk involved. During some point or time in a romantic relationship, each partner will be disappointed with the other person. We cannot always live up to other people’s expectations of us and it may be difficult to know what your partner wants if they are not communicating it properly.
But, a minor mistake or disappointment does not mean that a relationship should just end. Work together with your partner to communicate expectations and boundaries. For more information, read “4 Communication Tips Couples Need to Know” and “How To Understand and Develop Boundaries in Relationships.”
2. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Trust Issues
CBT will uncover the root causes of your trust issues. A CBT therapist will use this form of talk therapy to help you learn new ways to overcome negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviors associated with closeness and trust in a relationship.
At Anchor Therapy, we offer CBT therapy for trust issues. We offer both in-person sessions at our downtown Hoboken, New Jersey office and virtual therapy sessions to all residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
CBT separates past occurrences from future fears, giving you the freedom to have confidence in your relationship again, whether you just started dating, are engaged, or married.
3. Think About The People You Do Trust
Even if you struggle with trust issues, it is likely that you can identify at least one person in your life who you do trust. Perhaps you struggle in romantic relationships, but you can trust that one cousin or sibling who has always been by your side no matter what.
It can be easy to take for granted the ones who are always there because their presence is expected.
When you have a problem, think about who you turn to during this time of need. How did you begin to trust this person? How has the person shown you their loyalty? What is it about this person that makes you feel comfortable enough to confide in them?
Digging deep and asking yourself these questions can reveal a lot about your personality and potential to trust other people.
If you fail in trusting other people, you can always try and trust again. When you keep putting yourself out there, your trust issues will lose control over you.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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