As human beings, we are social creatures. We are told that the relationships we build with other people- from family members and friends to romantic partners- will be an undeniably important part of our life. While this is true, what about the relationship we have with ourselves? It is the most important relationship in our life, yet it is one we neglect regularly.
When you have self-love, you value your own worth and identity. This can include things like accepting yourself exactly how you are and setting boundaries that advance your mental health. Just as you treat other people with kindness, you should show yourself the same love and compassion too. When you learn how to honor yourself, you can nurture your journey of personal growth and self-acceptance.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What is self-love?
Self-love can be viewed as love in a pure form directed toward yourself. Having self-love means that you appreciate yourself. Self-love looks a little different to everyone and largely depends on your needs, but it generally includes being nice to yourself.
By showing yourself some kindness, you can forgive yourself, not judge yourself, and understand the value you bring to the world.
Self-love has a few main components, including:
Self-worth
Self-esteem (For more information, read “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”)
Self-awareness
Self-care (Our blog “The 8 Forms of Self-Care and How You Can Practice Them”)
Self-love is not always easy as you may have guessed or already experienced. Sometimes, self-love looks like loving yourself even if you do not fit the ideal beauty standard. Read our blog “How to Overcome Body Image Issues.” Maybe it is setting a boundary with an in-law. Check out our blog “How to Survive Your In-Laws: A Guide to Family Therapy.” Perhaps it is not getting engaged or married until you find the right romantic partner.
When you practice self-love, your mental and physical health will become better.
What are the four types of self-love?
Self-love can occur in many magical ways, but there are set dimensions of self-love that we can outline.
Here are the four forms of self-love:
Physical Self-Love - Physical self-love involves nurturing your physical body. Perhaps you do this by exercising regularly, eating intuitively, getting enough sleep, seeking the help of health professionals when needed, and practicing good hygiene. When you treat your body with the respect that it deserves, you are promoting your health.
Emotional Self-Love - You should have positive emotions about yourself for the most part. To achieve this state, you must practice self-compassion, self-care, and self-acceptance. Even during hard times, emotional self-love can persevere, allowing you to give yourself a little kindness. Check out our blog “How to Regulate Your Emotions.”
Social Self-Love - Healthy relationships are important, and so are healthy boundaries. You can surround yourself with a support system who values you while also clearly communicating your needs and desires. Your ability to set and maintain boundaries directly correlates to your emotional well-being. In social settings, you can aim to engage with people and activities that bring you genuine joy. Our blog “6 Ways to Set Boundaries and Enforce Them” is a must-read.
Cognitive Self-Love - Developing a positive mindset and healthy thought patterns is important for cognitive self-love. To do so, you will challenge your negative beliefs and practice positive self-talk. Be mindful about your thoughts and beliefs. To do so, you may engage in an affirmation practice. For more information, read “Do Affirmations Really Work?”.
Is self-love narcissism?
Self-love does not equate to narcissism. Self-love is when you have a balanced, yet positive view of yourself. Your confidence in yourself is balanced with empathy, healthy relationships, and respect for other people.
Part of self-love is recognizing both your strengths and weaknesses. For example, you may know certain strengths you have, such as having a strong work ethic and being creative. Then, you also recognize your weaknesses, like struggling with time management and being overly-critical of yourself when you make a mistake.
Acknowledging your weaknesses gives you the space to take constructive steps towards bettering yourself. In the above example, you may try out different time management techniques until you find one that sticks and use affirmations to cultivate self-compassion to battle negative self-talk.
Contrary to self-love, narcissism is a personality trait.
A narcissist may…
Excessively focus on themself
Have a sense of entitlement
Constantly need external validation and praise
Showcase a lack of empathy for other people
Narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance and have no issue exploiting people for their own personal advantage. Narcissism can negatively impact a person’s functioning and relationships. For more information, check out our blog “8 Tips for Dealing With A Narcissist.”
Why do I lack self-love?
Why you (or anyone) may lack self-love is rather complex. Personal experiences, your child and teen years, mental health factors, and societal factors all play a role.
One or several unhealthy relationships can impact one’s self-esteem. Abuse of any kind, including physical, verbal, and emotional, can lead you to blame yourself and have feelings of worthlessness.
Trauma, such as childhood trauma, neglect, sexual violence, and so on, can impact your self-esteem and ability to be compassionate toward yourself. Major life transitions and loss or betrayal can also impact your self-love level.
Comparing yourself to other people may also strip away your self-love. Social media and general societal standards may leave you constantly comparing yourself to the next person, even if the ideal being shown to you is an unrealistic portrayal of success and beauty. When you regularly compare yourself to other people, your self-confidence will diminish and you may be left feeling inadequate. Read our blog “How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other People.”
Past experiences that are inherently negative, like rejection or failure, may leave you just having an overall negative view of yourself. These beliefs can lead to low self-esteem and self-worth. For guidance, check out our blog “5 Ways to Build Self-Confidence.”
A need for control or perfectionism may also be impeding on your ability to love yourself. Setting too high of standards for yourself will inevitably lead to you failing to meet those standards, causing you to engage in an endless cycle of self-sabotage. You may become overly self-critical and feel like you are never good enough. For more information, read “7 Ways to Let Go of Control Issues.”
Mental health disorders can also impact your ability to love yourself. Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are all examples of mental health conditions that can make it hard to foster self-love.
While receiving outside support is great, it is not healthy to rely on external validation to substantiate who you are as a person. When you are constantly seeking approval from other people or basing all of your self-worth on career or school achievements, an unhealthy and fragile self-esteem may develop.
Should I be in a relationship if I don’t like myself?
Self-love is not a prerequisite for getting into a romantic relationship. In fact, you may not even know that you have self-love issues until a relationship reveals it about you.
With that being said, self-love issues are usually invasive and impact many areas of one’s life, so it is likely that you know if you are struggling. If that is the case, it does not hurt to work on yourself before the right person comes into your life.
Here are some signs that you lack self-esteem and self-love:
Negative social comparisons
Hard time asking for help
Fear of failure
Poor outlook on the future
Lack of boundaries
Being a people-pleaser (Check out our blog “11 Reasons Why You Are A People Pleaser”)
Constant worry and doubt
Hard time accepting compliments and praise from other people
Lack of confidence
Your self-love issues may make it difficult to enter a relationship. We have all heard the saying before “You cannot love someone unless you learn to love yourself.” While this may be true, it is only true to an extent.
As humans, we are constant works in progress. Our self-love journeys are never complete so to speak. So, you can be on the opposite end of the spectrum where you are waiting to be ‘perfect’ before finding love which will never be the case. At the end of the day, no one is perfect.
If you are working on resolving major self-love issues while in a relationship, it is important to keep dependency in mind so you can avoid it. Entering a relationship will not magically fix your self-esteem and self-love issues. Depending on your significant other for validation will not only strain your relationship, but it will also hinder your self-love journey. For more information, read “Embracing Independence: Tools for Overcoming Dependency.”
How do I fix a lack of self-love?
To enhance the self-love in your life, do not be afraid to dive deep into yourself. When you become more aware of yourself, you can better understand your feelings, thoughts, and patterns.
Self-awareness opens the door to self-love because you can better comprehend your emotions. What brings a smile to your face? What brings tears of joy to your eyes? What makes you clench your fists in anger?
If you are looking to practice self-awareness, you can:
Practice mindfulness
Tune into yourself through meditation
Let go of habits that do not align with your higher self
Schedule check-ins with yourself
Increasing your self-compassion is an integral part of anyone’s self-love journey. Mistakes and flaws are all a part of normal life. What is important is how you respond to it. Ideally, with a healthy dose of self-love, you can respond with zero judgment attached, showcasing self-compassion.
According to Dr. Kristin Neff, there are three components of self-compassion:
Self-kindness:
Give yourself some kindness with no judgment, shame, or criticism attached
Common humanity:
Recognize that everyone is a human. Everyone will make mistakes from time-to-time, but that does not make anyone unworthy of love
Mindfulness:
View mistakes from a mindful lens where you are not deeply associating mistakes with who you are as a person
Once you have self-awareness and self-compassion under your belt, you can learn what self-expression looks like to you. When you love yourself, you love yourself enough to showcase your innermost, authentic thoughts and feelings. Expressing yourself is freeing, from making major decisions about life transitions to simply talking to a loved one.
If you are looking for ways to express yourself, you can:
Discover new hobbies
Journal
Spend quality time with yourself
Engage in creative activities
Part of your self-expression journey may look like making time for self-care. Caring for your mind and body goes a long way with self-love. Simple things, like working out or eating intuitively, can make a big difference in your overall welfare.
Here are some ways to practice self-care:
Practice relaxation
Nourish your body
Make sleep a priority
Move your body in a mindful way
Make time for self-care
For more information, check out our blog “The 8 Forms of Self-Care and How You Can Practice Them.”
If you are seriously struggling with self-love, it is recommended that you seek the help of a self-esteem therapist. At Anchor Therapy, we have licensed therapists who can help you feel like your best self again.
A therapist for self-love issues gives you a non-judgmental space (whether in-person at our Hoboken office or online mental health counseling sessions) so you can receive the guidance and encouragement you need and deserve throughout your self-love journey. When you have a therapist to confide in, it can make all the difference in your self-esteem and self-love progress.
Here are some benefits that you may receive from attending self-esteem therapy:
Increased self-awareness
Increased self-confidence
Coping mechanisms
Pinpointing underlying issues
Setting healthy, needed boundaries
Constructing self-confidence
Exploring your values and aspirations
Supportive space
Practicing self-love does not have to be an expensive thing, you do not have to attend a weekend retreat or book an expensive spa service. Cultivating self-love can look as simple as achieving a work-life balance.
The self-love journey is not always easy, but it is always worthwhile.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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