Chances are that you heard about losing the ‘spark’ in a relationship or marriage before. One of the most common myths of any long-term romantic connection is that passion and intimacy will only decrease with time, not grow stronger or more intense. The spark is that inherent sense of excitement that you feel when you are with your loved one. In other words, it is that ‘butterflies in your stomach’ feeling.
While it is normal to get comfortable with your partner over time, it is always possible to get the spark back- it is not lost for good. Whether you are in a new relationship or have been with your significant other for a while, continue reading this blog to learn more about how sex therapy can enhance the intimacy in your romantic relationship.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
How do I know if the spark is gone in my relationship?
If your relationship is showing signs of strain and distress, you may begin to view the cracks as major boiling points now. It feels like, at any time, the crack can shatter you two. The spark is missing, it feels like passion is decreasing by the day, and you and your partner may be getting into more disagreements than usual. Luckily, there is a way to save your romantic connection and get your relationship back on track.
Believe it or not, even being able to identify that the quality of your relationship has gone downhill is a good starting point. In some cases, many couples do not notice until it is too late. So, you can consider yourself ahead of the game!
Remember that your relationship will naturally go through both high and low times. After a major celebration, like an engagement or wedding, you and your partner may feel like you are on top of the world. Other times, certain situations, like financial stress or familial obligations, may take time away from your relationship, testing your connection with your partner. For guidance, check out our blog “5 Ways to Solve Common Relationship Problems.”
Here are some signs to look out for to determine if your relationship is losing its spark or not:
Saying “I love you” has decreased substantially, even to the point where you and your partner do not say it to each other anymore
There are little to no sexual interactions
You stopped going on dates and spending quality time together
There is little to no physical touch
You go to bed at different times and/or do not sleep together in the same bed
You avoid problems in your relationship instead of addressing them head-on
You no longer celebrate major milestones or life transitions together
You do not greet/kiss each other hello and goodbye
You often criticize one another, even for trivial things
If you are still having difficulty determining the status of your relationship, try asking yourself the following questions:
Do you still feel emotionally connected to your partner?
Are you able to communicate openly and honestly with your partner?
Has your level of sexual desire or satisfaction changed?
Are you both making an effort to plan activities or dates together?
Are you interested in trying new things together?
Do you feel that issues are being resolved in a healthy way, or are they left unresolved?
Do you trust your partner completely?
Do you feel secure in the relationship?
Do you both still envision a future together?
How often do you and your partner express love and appreciation for one another?
Are you happy in the relationship?
Are you willing to put the work in to keep the relationship strong?
What ends the spark in a relationship?
Every relationship has different dynamics and life occurrences that affect connection and intimacy. Therefore, there can be many reasons as to why you and your partner may be losing your sense of excitement for your relationship. Maybe there is too much pressure for things to be perfect at all times, or perhaps your partner is dealing with their own mental health issues, such as anxiety or depression, that is impacting your connection. Sometimes, it can take a while to realize that your relationship is not what it once was.
As relationships progress, so does life. Let us say that you and your partner met in your 20s when you were living in a major city. Life felt fun and spontaneous. However, as you age, you take on more and more responsibilities. In other words, you build a routine. While routines give us stability, it can also be easy to fall into a pattern with your partner where you both stop putting in the effort to surprise one another or try new things. When you do not try to keep the romance alive, every day can feel the same. This may cause you to view your relationship as something that is dull and predictable.
Physical intimacy is important for many relationships. Stress, health issues, growing accustomed to little physical intimacy, and other life factors can decrease the amount of time that you are intimate with your partner. When you do not engage in physical touch, you may feel less connected to your significant other. Physical touch is not all about sex, it can also include things like holding hands, cuddling, hugging, and so on. A decrease in physical intimacy can really make it feel like your spark has faded. To learn more, read our blog “What to Expect in Sex Therapy.”
As you already know, sometimes life just gets in the way. External stressors of work, school, family obligations, and more can make you have less time and energy to pour into your partner. This may leave your significant other feeling neglected or unappreciated. When stressors are not managed successfully, it can drive a wedge between you and your partner. To learn how to manage your stress effectively, our blog “Everything You Need to Know About Stress Management Therapy” is a must-read.
Every relationship will have some form of conflict from time-to-time. But, how these conflicts are handled says a lot about where you and your partner are at emotionally. Do you sweep things under the rug, leading to resentment and a toxic relationship? Are unresolved conflicts causing a breakdown in trust? Or are you resolving conflicts in a timely manner to ensure that your emotional intimacy and connection is protected? To learn more, check out our blog “How To Tell If You’re In A Toxic Relationship.”
In long-term relationships, it is easy to take your partner for granted. Maybe you cook dinner for your partner every night, or buy your partner flowers every week. When you stop expressing appreciation, your partner may feel neglected. Over time, feeling underappreciated can erode the sense of closeness that you share with your partner. This is the very same closeness that once fueled your intimacy.
Lastly, communication cannot be stressed enough for a healthy relationship. Research has shown that 65% of experts assert that communication issues are the leading cause of divorce. Once you stop communicating openly and honestly, you may experience more misunderstandings than before, leading to arguments and tension. You may also begin to feel isolated and frustrated. A lack of communication can create distance between you and your partner which makes it hard to connect emotionally and physically. Without having regular, meaningful discussions, your connection may feel weak. For more information, read our blog “4 Communication Tips Couples Need To Know.”
Here are some additional reasons why a relationship may fizzle out:
The relationship was rushed from the start
Kindness does not play a major role in your relationship
One partner is making all the effort and planning all activities
You are not looking for the same things in a relationship
Your conversations are surface-level rather than having deep, meaningful discussions
One or both partners are emotionally unavailable
The basis of the relationship is on sex and nothing more
You do not spend one-on-one time together
Once you and your significant other are on the same page about what is going south, it is time to get clear on your next steps. If you still care deeply for your partner’s well-being and happiness and you feel like your partner is equally invested in the relationship, working with a sex therapist at Anchor Therapy can be a great step.
Can a relationship last without intimacy?
Depending on the personality and characteristics of the people in the relationship, a relationship can last without intimacy but that does not mean that it will always be enjoyable. When we talk about intimacy in a relationship, it is all based on love, safety, and trust. Intimacy can feel like an anchor in your relationship.
When you feel connected to your partner, everything is great. On the other hand, a persistent lack of intimacy can shake you to your core. You may begin to have a lot of anxious thoughts related to your relationship once you feel like the spark is gone. For support, check out our blog “4 Ways to Manage Your Relationship Anxiety.”
Some examples of anxious thoughts you may be having are as follows:
“What if they are getting bored of me?”
“I feel like we are just going through the motions. Is this the beginning of the end?”
“What if they meet someone else who excites them more?”
“They are spending more time on their own. They are happier without me.”
“They used to compliment me all the time. What made them stop?”
“What if we cannot get back to how we were?”
“They are losing interest in me. We have not been going on dates like we used to.”
There are two different types of intimacy in a relationship- emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. Feeling safe, secure, and loved in a relationship often refers to emotional intimacy. Good physical intimacy can look like regular physical affection and sexual intimacy. In some relationships, people may need to feel emotional intimacy first before becoming physical. For others, physical intimacy may come before emotional intimacy.
While a relationship can last without intimacy, it does not guarantee the happiness of the partners involved. You may begin to feel emotionally distant from your partner, have unfulfilled needs, and even seek intimacy outside of your relationship. Respect, understanding, and shared goals are essential. Speaking openly to your partner about the current state of your romantic connection will ensure that you have a mutual agreement on the nature of your relationship so you can make it work while both feeling satisfied.
How to feel connected to your partner again with the help of a sex therapist
It is difficult to navigate the ups and downs of your relationship alone. This is where a sex therapist at Anchor Therapy comes into play. Sex counseling is a great way to practice being vulnerable in a safe space, whether you decide to do in-person couples therapy sessions at our downtown Hoboken, New Jersey office or virtual sex therapy. For more information, read our blog “3 Steps to Becoming More Vulnerable.”
In couples counseling, you will talk through your feelings. Open up to your partner in an honest and respectful way. For instance, placing all of the blame on your partner and failing to take any accountability will likely not breed a productive conversation. Understand why you are feeling the way you are, and decide how you and your partner can overcome it together. Carve out space for your partner to share their emotions as well. There may be an underlying reason as to why you and your significant other are drifting apart- a reason you both did not recognize. This gives you the opportunity to course-correct.
A sex therapist may also encourage you and your partner to never stop dating. So, what does this look like exactly? Think back to the beginning of your relationship. Maybe you carved out time to watch your favorite television together. Perhaps you picked up your partner’s favorite candy on the way home from work every now and again. While these may seem like small gestures, remember that everything adds up. Doing small tasks for your partner lets them know that they are on your mind. With building up this kind of emotional intimacy, physical intimacy may ensue.
These are the benefits of emotional and physical intimacy in a relationship:
Deepened trust
Increased empathy and understanding
Emotional support
Healthy and open communication
Increased relationship satisfaction
Boosted self-esteem
Greater relationship stability
Shared pleasure and joy
Whether you are re-sparking the flame in your relationship or discovering new ways to physically connect with your partner, approach this journey of sex therapy with patience and empathy. Every relationship has its ups and downs, but a commitment to your romantic connection can nurture the bond you share with your significant other.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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