Children and teens with attachment concerns may detach from their parents or caregivers, or become overly-friendly with random adults. As they age into adulthood, having attachment issues can present difficulties in forming meaningful relationships and negatively impact one’s social development as a whole.
An attachment disorder is a behavioral disorder that can affect your ability to form and maintain connections with other people, whether it is platonic or romantic. Attachment disorders are common in children and teens but, if it is not healed, it can persist into adulthood.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What are attachment disorders in adults?
Attachment disorders typically occur during childhood. They come about when a parent or caregiver is unable to have a consistent emotional connection with their child.
Attachment-based therapy, or attachment theory, has roots in the belief that a person learns how to form and maintain relationships based on their initial interactions with a parent or primary caregiver. That is to say, attachment therapy deals with how people form emotional bonds.
The causes of attachment issues may vary, but many mental health experts agree that it stems from inadequate caregiving. Examples could include emotional or physical abuse, experiencing a traumatic loss, or neglect. For support, check out our top blogs “How Childhood Trauma Can Impact You As An Adult” and “How to Heal Childhood Trauma As An Adult.”
Philip Shaver and Cindy Hazan, mental health researchers, examined adult relationships through childhood attachment styles. They found that approximately 40 percent of people have an insecure attachment style.
What are the four patterns of attachment?
There is no formal diagnosis for attachment disorder in adults, but you can certainly experience attachment difficulties later in life. Your attachment style includes your behaviors and interactions with other people, including how you form relationships with these people.
According to attachment theory, your attachment style is largely determined during childhood, but that does not mean that it is stagnant. In other words, you can change your attachment style at any time if you are willing to put the work in to heal!
From a broad sense, attachment styles can be categorized in two ways- a secure attachment style or an insecure attachment style. If your needs were met as a child in a timely way, it is likely that you developed a secure attachment style. Contrastingly, if a caregiver was slow to meet your needs or did not meet them at all when you were a child, you may have developed an insecure attachment style.
A secure attachment style will leave you feeling secure in your close relationships. You trust your loved ones. An insecure attachment style will likely result in you being generally suspicious of other people- you have a hard time trusting people, even the ones who are the closest to you. You may find it hard to create intimate bonds with other people.
A secure attachment style
If you have a secure-attachment style, you likely have a positive view of yourself and the world around you. You are comfortable with intimacy, you are able to maintain healthy connections, and you can still enjoy alone time with yourself.
The following are characteristics of a healthy, secure attachment style:
Healthy boundaries (Check out our blog “6 Ways to Set Boundaries and Enforce Them”)
Good self-esteem (Read our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”)
Comfort with intimacy
Trust in others
Resilience
Effective communication
Balanced independence (Our blog “How to be Alone without Being Lonely” is a must-read)
Here are some questions to ask yourself to see if you have a secure attachment style:
Do I feel comfortable both giving and receiving love?
Do I respect my partner’s boundaries? Do I feel comfortable setting my own boundaries in a relationship?
Can I be emotionally open with other people without fearing rejection?
When relationships do not work out, do I reflect and learn from them, or start blaming myself/my ex-partner?
Do I have a positive view of myself?
Do I believe that most people have good intentions?
An insecure attachment style
If your caregiver or parent was inconsistent, neglectful, or overly intrusive, you likely developed an insecure attachment style. Therefore, it may be hard to form and maintain healthy relationships.
There are three types of insecure attachment styles:
An anxious-preoccupied style
A dismissive-avoidant style
A fearful-avoidant style
The following are characteristics of the three insecure attachment styles:
An anxious-preoccupied attachment style
Clinginess
Low self-esteem
Fear of abandonment (Read our blog “Healing Abandonment Trauma with Inner Work”)
Need for reassurance
Over-analyzing
A dismissive-avoidant attachment style
Emotional detachment
Self-reliance
Difficulty with intimacy
Discomfort with dependency
Positive self-view
A fearful-avoidant attachment style (Also referred to as a disorganized attachment)
Negative self-view
Trust issues (Check out our blog “How to Deal with Trust Issues” to learn more)
Mixed feelings
Emotional turmoil
Unresolved trauma (Read our blog “What is a Trauma Bond Relationship?”)
Here are some questions to ask yourself to see if you have an insecure attachment style:
An anxious-preoccupied attachment style
Do I constantly seek reassurance from my partner?
Do I worry often that my partner does not love me as much as I love them?
Do I feel anxious or upset if I do not hear from my partner for an extended period of time?
Am I afraid of being alone? (For support, our blog “How to Be Okay Not Being in a Relationship” is a must-read)
A dismissive-avoidant attachment style
Am I highly self-reliant?
Do I have a hard time expressing my emotions or understanding the emotions of other people?
Do I prefer to keep emotional distance between myself and my partner?
Is it uncomfortable when someone tries to get close to me?
A fearful-avoidant attachment style
Do I anticipate that others will eventually harm or abandon me?
Do I have trust issues, even if the person I am with has given me no reason to doubt them?
Do I want closeness but also push people away?
Do I feel overwhelmed by my emotions when I am in a relationship?
Understanding your attachment style is the first step to work towards healthy, fulfilling relationships. To learn more, check out our blog “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
Can you get therapy for attachment issues?
Of course! Therapy can be a transformative experience if you are struggling with attachment issues. Counseling gives you the chance to explore your emotional patterns and behaviors on a deep level to gain insight about your life and functioning.
Through therapeutic work, you will be able to decipher what attachment style you have, and come to understand how that style is influencing the relationships in your life and your general well-being. In order to understand the root cause of your attachment issue which is likely rooted in childhood, you need to develop a high level of self-awareness. Identifying the patterns in your life that you would like to change offers a launching pad for growth!
In therapy, you will learn and practice new skills to improve your relationships. From developing healthier ways of communication to setting appropriate boundaries, you can ensure that you are getting your needs met while fulfilling your partner’s needs at the same time.
Depending on your attachment style, counseling will look different for each and every person. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style may need to learn how to manage their excessive worry and anxiety so they do not overly-rely on their partner. On the other hand, for someone with an avoidant attachment style, counseling may look like learning how to engage more deeply in relationships so their discomfort and fear of intimacy can be discussed. By working on your unique skill set, you can increase your ability to create and maintain fulfilling relationships.
The biggest part of attachment-based therapy is the emotional healing that will occur during treatment. For instance, you may be someone with an insecure attachment style who has unresolved past trauma or additional emotional conflicts which can create current hardships in your life.
Therapy gives you space away from the trauma you experienced so you can actually process what happened to you. You can come to terms with past events so they no longer impact your life. As a child or teen, you did not deserve any mistreatment you may have experienced from a parent or primary caregiver. As an adult, it is your responsibility to heal your wounds so you can flourish and live the life of your dreams.
As you work through your issues, you will see an increase in your self-esteem and get a more positive self-image. This can improve both your relationships and overall emotional health.
All in all, therapy gives you the opportunity to work towards your goals of developing a secure attachment style and maintaining healthy, fulfilling relationships. Working on underlying attachment issues builds your emotional resilience and trust in yourself and other people. This can create more satisfying relationships as you learn to navigate relationship issues with more confidence and stability. Mental health counseling can help you manage and even change your attachment style.
Here are the benefits of seeking therapy for attachment concerns:
Increased emotional resilience
Personal growth
Developing trust
Increased self-awareness
Better relationship skills
Emotional healing
Better relationship satisfaction
At Anchor Therapy, we offer in-person and virtual therapy for attachment issues. Our office is located in downtown Hoboken, New Jersey, conveniently next to the NJPath. Additionally, our online therapy services are offered to all residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida. Our attachment-based therapists meet you where you are at, whether you do not know your attachment style or whether you are coming to therapy with specific goals in mind.
How long does attachment therapy take?
The duration of your attachment therapy sessions are based on several factors, encompassing your needs, therapeutic goals, and the complexity of the attachment issues you are facing. At Anchor Therapy, our individual sessions start off with a one-hour intake session. Following this first session, all individual sessions are 45-minutes long, and new clients are seen on a weekly or bi-weekly basis.
Depending on the person, some people feel like they meet their therapy goals within a few months. Other people prefer to consistently see an attachment-based therapist for years, even if it is just for once-a-month sessions as an established client.
Some clients may find success with a brief, focused therapy intervention, seeing noticeable improvements in a short period of time. Other people with deeply-rooted concerns or complex trauma may need a longer-term commitment to their mental health journey.
Frequency of therapy sessions matters as well. Generally, it is recommended to start off therapy on a weekly basis since, that way, you can get consistent support and see progress over time. Biweekly or monthly sessions can lengthen the overall duration of therapy.
How engaged you are in sessions and whether or not you are giving counseling 100% will also affect the length of therapy. Do you come to therapy with an open mind? Are you telling your therapist the whole truth? Are you completing the ‘homework assignments’ that your counselor assigns you?
Here are some factors that can determine the length of your time in counseling:
Personal goals:
Your goals can impact the time you spend in counseling sessions. If your goals are complex and/or require deep emotional healing, therapy may be extended.
Severity of attachment issues:
The more severe or entrenched an attachment issue is, the longer the therapeutic process may be.
Therapist and client fit:
When you have a strong alliance with your therapist, it can make the healing process feel a little bit easier. Challenges in a therapeutic relationship may result in needing to find a better fit or lengthening therapy.
Therapeutic approach:
Every therapist uses different modalities and approaches to treat attachment-based issues. Some counselors may use a short-term approach like Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for attachment issues. On the other hand, some clinicians may gravitate towards something deeper, like Psychodynamic Therapy.
The length of therapy is highly-individualized. It is important to remember that there is no timeline for healing. It is likely that the attachment issues you have were caused many years ago from things that happened in childhood and adolescence. It took years to build, and it will not be solved overnight.
Addressing attachment concerns as an adult is not an easy task, but it can become a more smooth one with the help of an attachment therapist at Anchor Therapy. Healing from attachment concerns is a gradual process, so it is important to be passionate and compassionate towards yourself.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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