If you have said or done something at one point in your life and regretted it, you may have done it in the heat of a moment where your emotions got the best of you. A big part of self-regulation is being able to think before you act.
While the roots of emotional regulation are in childhood, emotional self-regulation is thought to get easier as you age into your teenage years and, eventually, adulthood. Keep reading to find out tips for self-regulation.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Coping with The Emotions of Life
Emotions are a typical part of daily life. Think about when you are stuck in traffic on your way to work- you feel frustrated, angry, and you may even be worried about potentially being late. For more support with this instance, check out our blog “7 Ways An Anger Management Therapist Can Help You Control Your Road Rage.” Or, think about your relationship with your spouse. You miss them when they are away for a work trip and they do not communicate with you sufficiently. This leaves you feeling like they let you down.
Emotions are to be expected regularly, but sometimes emotions can turn volatile. You may feel high highs and low lows which can begin to affect other areas of your life. For example, emotions regarding your relationship may begin to affect your performance at work or school.
Anyone can experience emotions that seem to take on a life of their own but, if this is happening regularly, it can be a cause for concern. Your emotions may cause you to act out of character and say something that you did not mean. This can damage your credibility as a friend, lover, or family member while also damaging the important relationships in your life.
There may be many reasons as to why you are experiencing emotional dysregulation. Maybe you have a genetic predisposition to emotional dysregulation. Perhaps you never saw good, healthy emotions showcased by a caregiver as a child. Certain physical changes can impact emotions, like exhaustion.
No matter your emotional state, you can learn to regulate your feelings.
Defining Emotional Self-Regulation
Emotional self-regulation refers to your ability to exert control over your feelings. Some people may be able to control their emotions more naturally than other people. If you are not able to control your emotions organically, it just means that it may take some practice.
A person who can regulate their emotions is emotionally intelligent. They know the truth of the inner experiences and are in tune to the emotions of other people as well. These kinds of people may always come off as being “level-headed” or “calm” but, in reality, they experience negative emotions too. They still feel these negative feelings, but they are able to use coping strategies to regulate the difficult emotions they may be experiencing.
Emotional regulation can be both learned and improved on.
Why is self-regulating your emotions important?
As an adult, it is expected that you manage your emotions in a socially acceptable way. By managing your emotions effectively, your emotions will not have the opportunity to get the better of you and cause issues in your life.
For many people, it is obvious that a child who is throwing a tantrum does not yet have control over their emotions. The same can be said for a teenager who exhibits anger regularly or a young adult who is impulsive. When you do not know how to regulate your emotions, you may resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms, like substance use for example.
Regardless of your age, emotional self-regulation allows you to solve issues in a rational, calm manner.
Regulating your feelings is an important aspect of empathy. When you possess empathy, you can not only regulate your feelings, but you can also take the feelings of other people into account. You can handle disappointment, such as rejection, so you can react rationally when a situation is out of your hands. For support with this topic, read our blog “5 Ways to Overcome your Fear of Rejection.”
Many factors can trigger emotional dysregulation, even your inner beliefs about yourself and negative emotions. Check out our blog “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Negative Self-Talk” if this resonates with you.
There are some cases where a stressful life transition, like moving, can cause powerful feelings. Read “How to Cope with Moving Stress” for more information.
Emotional volatility can impact you in many ways, such as negatively affecting your relationships with other people. For instance, you may not be able to fully tell your partner how you feel about them or communicate those little three words “I love you.” Your anxiety around love may make you regret your actions and force you to spend additional time trying to repair your romantic relationship. For support, check out our blog “How to Cope with Dating Anxiety.”
Your inability to control your emotions can damage you as well. You may feel an overwhelming sense of sadness which causes avoidable suffering. Living with this type of all-encompassing fear can get in the way of experiencing life to its fullest, being happy, and your ability to take risks.
It is important to remember that the ability to self-regulate does not magically wash away any feelings of anger, guilt, or sadness you may be experiencing. Instead, it just gives you the space to control those emotions. It also provides you with the time to plan your reaction so you do not make a reckless, impulsive decision.
How can I effectively manage my emotional health?
According to a 2017 study, there are three effective things you can do on a daily basis to sustain the health of your emotional welfare.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a common technique used to safeguard your emotional and mental health. Mindfulness is the state of being conscious or aware. One component of meditation is mindfulness. For more information, read “How Meditation Can Lead to Stress Reduction.”
When you practice mindfulness, you are refocusing your energy on the here and now, instead of being stuck in the past or projecting yourself into the future. Mindfulness is a tender way to give your brain the space to get rid of any anxiety or guilt you may be experiencing.
Practicing mindfulness has also been shown to lower feelings of loneliness in senior citizens when used as a tool for emotional self-regulation. To learn more about this topic, read “How to Battle the Loneliness Epidemic.”
2. Cognitive Reappraisal
Cognitive reappraisal, or cognitive reevaluation, is an emotional self-regulation strategy where you actively change the way you view a situation that may potentially trigger you. Changing your viewpoint on how you decipher a stressful situation can reduce the stress you are experiencing while increasing your positive emotions.
To see this technique in action, a 2020 study found that cognitive reevaluation assisted health professionals combating burnout syndrome. Health professionals who engaged in cognitive reappraisal had high levels of personal accomplishment and low levels of emotional suppression. Check out our blog “3 Ways to Achieve Work-Life Balance.”
In cognitive reevaluation, you are analyzing and challenging your thoughts and beliefs.
To practice cognitive reappraisal, it is recommended to work with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) therapist at Anchor Therapy. CBT is a highly effective therapeutic modality that can help you get control over your thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors.
By being open and honest with your CBT therapist regarding cognitive reappraisal, you can begin to establish clear goals, from managing anxiety to simply challenging negative thought patterns.
In CBT therapy sessions, your CBT counselor will teach you exactly how to challenge cognitive distortions, such as black-and-white thinking and catastrophizing. By pinpointing these patterns, you can develop more realistic thought patterns.
Here are some questions to ask yourself to practice cognitive reevaluation:
Is your thought based on facts or assumption?
What are the consequences of not letting go of this belief?
What would you tell a friend if they were having the same belief as you?
What are the origins of this belief?
Does this belief align with your values?
Can you find examples that contradict this belief?
What would you gain or lose by letting go of this belief?
If you thought about the opposite viewpoint, how would you feel?
Are you willing to reframe your beliefs regularly?
3. Emotional Suppression
Emotional suppression can drown out your emotions in the current, but it does not lead to long-lasting change where your emotional state has shifted. You can postpone your feelings which will lead to them growing in size and severity. Suppressing your emotions is not a self-regulation tool, it just stops you from expressing your feelings.
Given, emotional suppression can de-escalate the challenge of a given situation but emotional self-regulation will not be sustained on a long-term basis.
Suppressing your feelings can also lead to depression. Depression can negatively impact your quality of life.
Emotions are a valuable sign regarding your inner experiences and needs. Suppressing your feelings can impede on your natural ability to process and understand your emotions, leading to unresolved emotional concerns and difficulties in coping with life transitions.
Emotional Regulation Skills You Need to Know About
There are many skills available to us that can help us manage our emotions.
The first thing you should do is create space for yourself. Emotions can happen in an instant. You do not think to yourself “Now, I am going to bawl my eyes out”- all of a sudden you find yourself feeling overwhelmingly sad and weeping.
To regulate your emotions, give yourself the gift of time by pausing to check-in with yourself. Take a deep breath and think about the feeling you are experiencing. By slowing down the moment between the trigger and the response, you choose how you want to respond.
Becoming aware of your feelings is an important step in the right direction when it comes to emotional self-regulation. Become curious about your feelings, especially the physical sensations you may be experiencing. Do your arms feel tingly? Do you feel tension in your head? Does your stomach hurt?
Your physical symptoms can give you clues to your emotions. Questioning your physical symptoms can also distract your focus from the feeling at-hand, giving you the time required to allow the intensity of the emotion to diminish.
Noticing your emotions is important, and labeling them goes the extra mile in terms of self-regulation. Are you angry? Sad? Happy? Disappointed? Resentful? Strong emotions may arise while the underlying factor is fear.
It is common to feel multiple emotions at once, so it is okay to pinpoint them all. If you notice that you are angry, question what it is that you are angry about. If you are feeling anxious, what is causing your anxiety? Naming your emotions brings you one step closer towards being able to communicate them.
Emotions are normal which is why it is essential that you accept your feelings no matter how uncomfortable they may feel in the moment. Do not torture yourself for feeling scared or nervous for example. Your feelings are valid.
If you struggle with accepting your emotions, try practicing self-compassion. Experiencing a wide range of emotions is part of the human experience.
As mentioned previously, mindfulness can help you live in the present. By employing mindfulness, you can sense what is on the inside while monitoring your external circumstances in a tolerant way.
Mindfulness techniques can help you stay calm no matter what life throws your way. You have the power to overcome negative thought patterns even when you are experiencing emotional pain or discomfort.
The ability to regulate your emotions gives you the space to think before acting. You will also be able to view even the most disastrous of situations in a more positive light. Becoming emotionally-regulated does not occur overnight. Instead, it is a process that takes time, effort, and dedication.
If you notice that controlling your emotions is hard, acquiring emotional regulation skills can help. Mindfulness strategies along with working with a CBT therapist can assist you in becoming the best version of yourself.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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