Breaking up with a partner, especially someone you have been in a long-term relationship with, can be hard. You may feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you. It feels like your world has now turned upside down. Anyone who has been through a breakup knows that there is no guide or rule book on how to process this loss.
When going through a breakup, there is no right or wrong way to feel. Maybe you are feeling anxious about the future. Or perhaps you feel sad and depressed thinking back on the sacred moment you shared with your ex-significant other. You may be grieving the loss of a life that could have been, including marriage and children. It can take time to heal after a romantic relationship ends, but there are some steps you can take to assist yourself along your journey.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
When to end a relationship
Prioritizing your mental health includes making tough decisions. You may not want to do it at the moment but you understand and know that, in the long-run, it will help you. Although ending a relationship can be hard, an unhealthy or toxic relationship will only worsen your quality of life.
When it comes to assessing the status of your romantic connection, there are some telltale signs to look for that can serve as red flags.
First things first, any successful relationship is based on respect and trust. If there is constant disrespect, belittlement, or even abuse, it is of the utmost importance that you prioritize your well-being and think about ending your relationship. Relationships should be built on mutual support and encouragement, not criticism and contempt.
If trust is broken or if you are constantly questioning your partner, it may serve as an indication that something is off in your relationship. This can be particularly tricky if there is no accountability around the trust issues. Ignoring your issues and avoiding communication do not make your problems go away. For support, read our blog “4 Communication Tips Couples Need to Know.”
Physical and emotional intimacy play pivotal roles in a romantic relationship. If you and/or your partner fail to provide emotional support to one another, fail to spend quality physical time together, dismiss feelings, and generally neglect emotional and physical needs, you may feel like your relationship is in a downward spiral. You deserve to have your needs met, and you should not feel emotionally or physically neglected in your relationship. To learn more about physical intimacy needs in a relationship, check out our blog “How to Get the Spark Back in Your Relationship Through Sex Therapy.”
Lastly, a healthy romantic connection is all about personal growth and individuality. You should not lose yourself within your partner or in your relationship. If you are constantly compromising your goals, values, and beliefs, it can be a good idea to step back and analyze your relationship dynamics. For more, check out our blog “How to be Okay Not Being in A Relationship.”
For further clarity, our blog “How to Tell If You’re In A Toxic Relationship” is a must-read.
Here are some common red flags to search for in a relationship:
Unresolved issues
Poor communication
Gaslighting (Check out our blog “3 Steps to Survive Gaslighting”)
Excessive criticism or blame
Refusal to compromise
Jealousy
Lack of trust (Our blog “How to Deal with Trust Issues” is a must-read)
Disrespect
Controlling behavior (Read our blog “Are You in a Relationship with a Controlling Partner?”)
Emotional or physical abuse
How to get over an ex you still love
If you are in a position where you or your ex-partner has made the tough decision to end your romantic relationship, it can be hard to cut your emotions off immediately. It can be especially difficult if you were not the one to terminate the relationship.
Love is a rollercoaster ride- it has its fair share of ups and downs. It can be hard to predict or control your relationship as there are two or more people involved, whether you are in a monogamous or polyamorous relationship. You cannot control your partner(s), and it takes all parties involved to make a relationship work effectively. For support, check out our top performing blog “7 Ways to Let Go of Control Issues.”
If you still have feelings for an ex, rest assured that it is completely normal! You may wish that you could wave a magic wand and erase all memories of your ex-partner. Unfortunately, your life with your ex does not fade away overnight.
There are many reasons why you may still have feelings for your ex, from still being physically attracted to them to being in love with a fantasy version of them that you have in your head. As human beings, we tend to look back on the past with rose-colored glasses- remembering the time as better than it actually was. You may have fond memories of your time with your ex and tend to only remember the good times while completely forgetting about your not-so-great moments together. It is also normal to grieve a life that could have been with a significant other, especially if you thought it was going to fulfill some of your goals, such as getting engaged and eventually getting married and/or becoming a parent and creating a family together.
After a breakup, 30.7% of people experience psychological distress according to a 2011 study. With this information, it is understandable that you have a rough time healing post-breakup. A breakup can be emotionally and mentally triggering.
Here are some typical mental health issues you may experience after breaking up with a romantic partner:
Low self-esteem (For more information, check out our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”)
Obsessive thoughts (If you struggle with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) obsessive thoughts, check out our blogs “How to Manage OCD Intrusive Thoughts with CBT” and “How to Cope with Relationship OCD Using CBT and ERP”)
Depression (Take our Depression Quiz)
Anxiety (To take our Anxiety Quiz, take a look at our blog “Do I Have Anxiety? Take The Quiz and Learn 5 Instant Calming Tips”)
Loneliness (Our blog “How to Battle the Loneliness Epidemic“ is a must-read)
Sleep disturbances (Read our blog “Unlocking the Secrets of Quality Sleep: A Therapist’s Perspective on Sleep Hygiene and Insomnia”)
Loss of identity
Difficulty concentrating
Physical symptoms (Check out our blog “3 Ways to Manage Your Physical Anxiety Symptoms”)
Rumination (Read our blog “6 Ways to Handle Intrusive Thoughts”)
Isolation (For guidance, take a look at our blog “How to be Alone without Being Lonely”)
Anger or resentment (To learn more, check out our blog “The Most Important Things You Need to Know About Anger Management”)
Knowing whether or not you are over your ex-significant other can indicate where you are at in your emotional healing journey.
Here are some indicators that you are not over your ex-partner:
Comparing other people to your ex
Feeling intense emotions
Talking about your ex-partner often
Constantly thinking about your ex
Checking their social media regularly
Hanging onto mementos
Avoiding dating or new relationships altogether (Read our blog “How to Cope with Dating Anxiety” if you are struggling)
Idealizing the relationship
Feeling empty or lost without your ex-partner
Resisting closure
General difficulty moving on
What to do immediately after a breakup
Breaking up with a loved one does not come with a timeline. Immediately after breaking up with a partner you may want to give yourself the space needed to simply process the breakup.
First, allow yourself to grieve. It is likely that, being in a relationship with someone, you have imagined your future together. When you lose your partner, you also lose what could have been. For support, our blog “Grieving A Life That Never Was” is a must-read.
If you are dealing with a breakup of a “less formal” relationship, such as a situationship, it is important to validate your emotions. Even if the relationship was not fully defined, you deserve to feel your feelings. Just because the relationship did not have a label, does not mean that it was not meaningful. Situationships are typically ambiguous which can make grieving feel complicated. The standard nature of a situationship is to end without clear closure. To learn more, check out our blog “The Psychology of Situationships: Are They Toxic?”.
An important step in healing is ending all contact with your ex. Especially in the early stages of a breakup, limiting or restricting contact altogether gives you the space you need to heal. These boundaries can even extend to the virtual world. This may look like muting or unfollowing your ex on social media to avoid frequent reminders of them. To learn more, read our blog “6 Ways to Set Boundaries and Enforce Them.”
Even though you are going through the interpersonal challenge of ending a relationship, it is crucial that you do not isolate yourself from loved ones. Talking to family members and friends can serve as a source of comfort and validation. When you are feeling down, your loved ones are there to pick you back up again so you can land on your feet. You may even want to connect with other people who are going through similar struggles by looking at online breakup forums or seeking a support group for breakups.
You may even consider seeking support from an unbiased source, such as a breakup therapist. At Anchor Therapy, we have breakup counselors who specialize in uplifting you and providing evidence-based mental health support during this difficult life transition. We offer in-person sessions at our downtown Hoboken, New Jersey office if you are part of the greater New York City dating world. Alternatively, we offer virtual breakup counseling sessions to all residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida if you prefer to receive treatment in the comfort of your own home.
Some key components of breakup counseling include the following:
Validation of feelings
A safe space
Acknowledging the loss
Exploring the relationship dynamic
Developing a balanced viewpoint
Emphasizing self-care (Our blog “The 8 Forms of Self-Care and How You Can Practice Them” is a must-read)
Practicing self-compassion
Establishing boundaries with an ex (Read our blog “How to Understand and Develop Boundaries in Relationships”)
Rebuilding identity
Boosting self-esteem (Read our blog “How to Start Loving Yourself Again”)
Working towards a secure attachment style (Check out our blog “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”)
Setting new goals
Rebuilding social connections
The following are benefits you may experience by working with a breakup therapist:
Structured grief processing (For more information, check out our blog “Am I Experiencing Complicated and Traumatic Grief?”)
Challenging negative thought patterns (Take a look at our previous blog “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Negative Self-Talk”)
Gaining perspective
Learning healthy coping mechanisms (e.g., yoga, breathwork, meditation, exercise, etc.)
Identifying attachment styles
Finding closure
Encouraging acceptance
Building resilience
Lowering emotional stress (Our blog “Everything You Need to Know About Stress Management Therapy” is a must-read)
Promoting overall well-being
For further guidance, check out our blog “Is Breakup Counseling Right for Me?”.
Breakups are challenging which can make the path towards healing feel overwhelming. By addressing your emotions in a safe place, such as breakup counseling, you can come to understand your relationship dynamics while crafting new goals for the future.
Healing is a journey, not a destination. Give yourself the space needed to truly feel your feelings with no guilt attached. The past happened and you cannot change it, but you can certainly learn from it. With the guidance of a grief counselor at Anchor Therapy, you can rebuild your sense of self and step confidently into your future. You are in control of your life!
Seeking professional mental health support is a sign of strength, not weakness. Each step forward you take is a step towards a healed version of yourself. Embrace this opportunity for growth and transformation, knowing that with time, patience, and the right guidance, you will emerge stronger and more resilient. Take care of yourself, and trust that brighter days are ahead.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR HELP FROM A PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR TO ASSIST YOU IN MAKING POSITIVE CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE, CONTACT US
WORKING WITH US IS EASY
Fill out the contact form below.
Our intake coordinator will get back to you with more information on how we can help and to schedule an appointment. We will set you up with an experienced licensed therapist who specializes in what you're seeking help with and who understands your needs.
You’ll rest easy tonight knowing you made the first step to improve your life.
