Have you ever been in a social situation where you did not know what to say to someone? Perhaps a situation where awkward silence filled the air? If you struggle with Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), then you know just how difficult small talk can be.
At times, you may get in your own way when it comes to conversing with other people. Social anxiety and your insecurities can lead you to avoid social situations altogether. You may think that your opinions do not matter, or you cannot add any meaningful comments to a discussion. Over time, you can learn to become vulnerable, and connect with the people around you.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Why does small talk drain me?
Social anxiety is more than feeling shy or nervous. Social anxiety constantly occupies your mind 24/7 with rather negative thoughts. You are left constantly worrying if you are being judged or viewed in a negative light. Experiencing these thoughts regularly is physically and mentally exhausting.
Social anxiety can make it hard to build purposeful relationships and be your true self. As someone with social anxiety, small talk can feel emotionally taxing. If you are an introvert, you may experience the same emotions. For more information, check out our blog “Find Out If You’re An Introvert or Extrovert.”
There is nothing wrong with small talk- some people enjoy it and others do not. However, if you are someone who tends to feel drained from social interactions, you may find that small talk is a heavy task.
For someone with social anxiety or an introvert, there is a lot of “behind the scenes” work that needs to be done for you to engage in small talk. This “work” is more than the average person does just to have a conversation.
Let us say that you recently went on a trip and it comes up in conversation with someone. This person may ask you “How was your trip? I have been dying to go there.” When you get asked this question, your mind may go blank. Dozens of questions may start flooding your mind- What did I do there? How would people normally answer this question? Why does this always happen to me? Why can’t I effortlessly answer this question like other people?
Small talk involves a lot of thinking on your feet. Of course, you may come into a conversation with someone with some questions in mind, but there will inevitably be one point or more within the conversation where you need to go off script. This sort of thinking in the moment can create a lot of nervous energy.
You are not alone in your anxiety about conversing with other people. Socializing can be difficult- thinking on your feet, reacting to what a person says in an appropriate manner, and steering clear of potentially offensive topics or remarks. Making small talk is almost like a performance act. You are trying to be entertaining to the other person and appear self-confident as you learn about the other person.
Some people enjoy socializing with other people, and view it as a pleasure. For others, it is exhausting.
What is the fear of small talk called?
The official term to describe a fear of small talk is called “locubrevisphobia”.
Some common fears associated with locubrevisphobia are:
Fear of rejection (Read our blog “5 Ways to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection”)
Fear of the unknown
Fear of being boring
Fear of looking stupid
If you have a fear of small talk, it may be because you experience social performance deficits. This term refers to gaps in communication skills which restricts how well you interact with other people.
Why do I overthink after social interaction?
Overthinking your performance after social interaction is extremely common for people who struggle with social anxiety. This is often referred to as post-event rumination.
Overthinking after social interactions can point to other issues as well, such as low-self esteem. For more information read, “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”. This low self-esteem can transform into other areas of your life, like a lack of confidence and even lead to a fear of rejection.
A common facet of overthinking social interactions is catastrophizing. This is when you make a situation seem bigger than it is in reality. For example, think about having a conversation with someone. Let us say that you stuttered once during this conversation and, now, it is all you are thinking about post-conversation. It is likely that, in reality, the person you were speaking to noticed this and kept the conversation moving. They are not thinking to themselves later in the week- “Wow. Remember that person I talked to like a week ago, and how they stuttered during our discussion.”
One study found that people with SAD often remember their social interactions as worse than they actually are.
Worrying or overthinking past social performances is a common thinking trap. You may feel like the worst situation may constantly happen to you. In reality, it is very unlikely that the worst case scenario will occur.
How do you speak confidently with the help of a social anxiety therapist?
With the right practice and assistance from a social anxiety therapist, you can learn how to speak confidently despite the presence of your social anxiety.
An anxiety therapist at Anchor Therapy utilizes multiple evidence-based techniques and therapeutic approaches to help you feel like your best self again. One popular form of therapy for social anxiety is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT.
CBT therapy for social anxiety near you will help you identify your negative thoughts surrounding social performance and anxiety so you can then challenge those thoughts. Your CBT counselor works with you to create more positive thoughts that are rooted in reality.
CBT will also teach you the social skills required to help you feel more confident when engaging with other people.
Alongside CBT for social anxiety, an anxiety mental health counselor may recommend some form of exposure therapy, also known as Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) Therapy. In exposure therapy for social anxiety, you will be gradually exposed to anxiety-provoking social situations over time in a setting that is controlled and supportive. By continuously engaging with what you are fearful of or your triggers, your anxiety response will become desensitized.
Gradual exposure therapy for social anxiety is a form of mental health counseling where you confront your fears incrementally. First, you may simply start by imagining situations and, eventually, you will work your way up to real-life interactions.
Part of this gradual exposure therapy process involves creating a hierarchy of fears. So, according to this plan, you will work on the least anxiety-provoking situation first. As you move up the ladder, your confidence grows.
Here is an example of a hierarchy of fears for someone with Social Anxiety Disorder undergoing ERP therapy:
Level 1: Making eye contact
Level 2: Making a phone call
Level 3: Initiating a conversation with someone in public
Level 4: Attending a large social gathering
Level 5: Public speaking
Mindfulness techniques can go a long way in tackling social anxiety. Some social anxiety counselors may employ Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT). You can think of MBCT counseling for social anxiety as combining the best of CBT along with mindfulness strategies.
MBCT encourages you to be more mindful of your thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental manner which lessens the impact of social anxiety on you. In MBCT, your mindfulness anxiety coach will teach you mindfulness strategies and techniques, such as deep breathing, meditation, guided imagery, and progressive muscle relaxation.
Another popular type of therapy used for social anxiety is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). ACT for social anxiety will help you to accept your anxiety instead of constantly trying to battle it. This lessens the power of your anxious thoughts. ACT also encourages value-based living where your actions are in alignment with our ultimate goals and beliefs. You will learn how to align your actions with your core values even when anxiety is present.
Social anxiety treatment even provides amazing opportunities for psychoeducation. In order to resolve your social anxiety, you must first understand the effects of social anxiety on your body and mind which your anxiety counselor will teach you about. Various coping strategies will be taught so you can handle anxiety-inducing situations in an appropriate manner.
Social skills training is a major component of any form of social anxiety therapy. Some anxiety therapists may do this through role-playing exercises. This gives you the opportunity as the client to practice and improve your social interactions in the safe space of therapy before testing it out in the real world. Your anxiety coach will also provide feedback on various anxiety coping exercises so you will learn how to improve over time.
Your social anxiety therapist at Anchor Therapy will always serve as a source of support and encouragement for you. A mental health counselor for anxiety who is strong and supportive will build a safe space so you feel comfortable to truly explore your fears. When you need ongoing encouragement, an anxiety counselor will be there to provide you with that support so you can stay motivated throughout the course of your anxiety treatment.
In addition to attending therapy for social anxiety, here are additional steps you can take to speak confidently with social anxiety:
Prepare for social interactions
Practice interacting with other people
Complete relaxation techniques (e.g., deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, etc.)
Practice positive self-talk (For guidance, check out our blog “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Negative Self-Talk”)
Incorporate affirmations for social anxiety into your daily routine (Read our past blog “Do Affirmations Really Work?”)
Focus on the moment by practicing mindfulness
Maintain appropriate body language (e.g., make eye contact, stand or sit up straight, and showcase a genuine smile)
Accept and learn from your mistakes
Conversation Starters for People with Social Anxiety Disorder
Jumping into a social situation with zero preparation may not be the best course of action for someone struggling with social anxiety.
Preparing for conversations as someone with social anxiety can actually reduce your anxiety. As someone with anxiety, you are constantly trying to predict the future which causes a lot of angst and worry. Preparing for social interactions offers some level of predictability which may help you feel more in control of the situation at hand. This newfound control will enhance your level of self-confidence.
Alongside this, you will have the opportunity to manage your social anxiety symptoms.
Some examples of social anxiety symptoms include but are not limited to:
Sweating
Trembling
Blushing
Intense fear of judgment
Negative self-talk
Anticipatory anxiety
Avoidance
Escape behaviors
Limited eye contact
Embarrassment
When you are prepared, you can focus on the situation at-hand instead of your anxiety signs and symptoms. If you do start feeling anxious, you have coping skills that can help you get back on track, like deep breathing for example.
Preparation can also improve your communication since it gives you a moment of pause to think about what you want to say in a more clear manner, making sure that you communicate effectively. Having a rough outline of what you want to say can help in the initial phases when you are trying to overcome your social anxiety disorder. It may help the conversation flow more smoothly and even prevent those awkward moments of silence that many with social anxiety fear.
If you struggle with social anxiety, here are some conversation starters you can use:
What do you think of this event/meeting/class?
Have you been to this place before?
Do you have any fun plans this weekend?
What are you working on today?
Have you been to any events like this before?
Are there any drinks of food options you recommend at this restaurant?
Have you read any good books lately?
Seen any good movies or tv shows recently?
What kind of music do you like?
As you are talking to someone, keep in mind the importance of asking follow-up questions and showcasing genuine interest. If you and someone are bonding over a song at a local cafe, and they mention that it is their favorite artist, you may respond with something along the lines of: “Oh, that’s cool! What other songs by this artist can you recommend?”.
These are some general opening questions to get you started with initiating conversations with other people. Starting small is 100% okay if you have social anxiety. You do not have to run up to 10 stranges in one day to start discussions! Take your time and eventually challenge yourself to have longer conversations.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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