Feeling fearful of rejection is a very powerful, overwhelming feeling. What if I am not good enough and everyone can see it? What if people think less of me because of this rejection? What if this rejection confirms my worst fears about myself? What if rejection happens repeatedly and it becomes a pattern in my life? The ‘what ifs’ can start to feel endless.
Believe it or not, most people experience nervousness or anxiety when placing themselves in situations that may lead to rejection. However, for some people, the possibility of maybe being rejected throws them into a tailspin and becomes all-consuming.
The fear of rejection can be rooted in many things, from social embarrassment to a history of repeated rejections. An untreated fear of rejection will only continuously limit your life and the chances you are able to take in it.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What is the fear of rejection called?
Let us call a spade a spade- rejection hurts. It is painful to go through, and there is no way to avoid that. In fact, research has shown that being rejected activates the part of your brain that corresponds to physical pain. So, the question is, how do we accept this fact?
Many people want to connect with others, especially people they care for. Feeling rejected by people can leave you feeling less than. It can feel like you are not wanted. And a fear of rejection does not just involve other people- rejection can come with any ‘risk.’
Rejection can occur in a range of situations, including the following:
Romantic relationships
Interviews
Friendships
Public speaking
Feedback and reviews
Personal projects
Requests for support or help
While there is no specific name for a fear of rejection, there is something known as ‘rejection sensitivity’. This is a form of anxiety where you may be overly-sensitive to the possibility of being judged or rejected.
When you have this sensitivity, you may be fearful of or avoid situations where rejection may ensue. Typically, rejection sensitivity is linked to low self-esteem which can impact all areas of your professional and personal life. In severe cases, rejection sensitivity may be linked to Social Anxiety Disorder, also known as SAD. For more information, check out our blogs “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?” and “How To Talk To People When You Have Social Anxiety.”
To find out if you are struggling with anxiety, take our Anxiety Quiz by reading our blog “Do I Have Anxiety? Take The Quiz and Learn 5 Instant Calming Tips.”
Signs and symptoms of rejection sensitivity include:
Perfectionism
Low self-esteem
Intense emotional reactions
Self-doubt
Avoidance
Overthinking
Hyperawareness
Discomfort in social situations
Overreaction to criticism
Fear of vulnerability (Check out our blog “3 Steps to Becoming More Vulnerable”)
Excessive approval-seeking
Overthinking and thought rumination
Avoidance of risky situations
To assess whether you deal with rejection sensitivity or not, consider asking yourself the following questions:
Do I feel that my self-worth is directly tied to others’ acceptance or approval?
Do I find myself often worrying or avoiding situations where rejection may occur?
How do I typically react when I think I have been rejected or criticized?
Do I avoid taking risks because of my fear of rejection?
Am I highly sensitive to perceived social cues or interactions?
Do I typically seek reassurance or approval from other people to feel secure and/or validated?
Do I experience anxiety or discomfort in social situations due to a fear of judgment or rejection?
Do I struggle with low self-esteem, especially after being rejected or criticized?
What is the core belief of fear of rejection?
Personal inadequacy or worthlessness are often rooted in the fear of rejection. People who struggle with this fear have a view of themselves where they believe they are fundamentally flawed or simply not good enough. By having this self-view, the mere thought of rejection can begin to feel daunting. You may feel like you lack the things that are supposed to make you accepted or valued by other people. This will only reinforce the fear that any forms of rejection are due to your ‘inherent flaws.’ For support, check out our blog “The Ultimate Guide to Building Self-Confidence.”
Some signs that you have low self-confidence include:
Self-doubt (Read our blog “7 Ways to Combat Imposter Syndrome”)
Negative self-talk
Fear of failure
Perfectionism
Difficulty accepting compliments
Excessive need for approval
Avoidance of social situations (Check out our blog “6 Helpful Tips for Living with Social Anxiety”)
Indecisiveness (Read our blog “How Mental Health Counseling Can Help Your Decision Fatigue”)
Comparing yourself to other people (Check out our blog “How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other People”)
Difficulty asserting yourself (Our blog “6 Ways to Set Boundaries and Enforce Them” is a must-read)
Avoiding challenges
Over-apologizing
Another core belief of the fear of rejection can be due to the anticipation of negative evaluation by other people. You expect that people will judge you harshly or perceive your shortcomings. You may fear being scrutinized so much that you begin to avoid situations where rejection may occur, reinforcing your anxiety and fear. Avoidance prevents you from taking risks or pursuing opportunities that pop up in your life. For support, our blog “How Psychodynamic Therapy Can Help You Overcome Anticipatory Anxiety” is a must-read.
Your deep-seated fear of rejection may lead you to believe that rejection will have severe, lasting consequences. A single occurrence of rejection may seem like it is confirming your inadequacies, leading to severe emotional and mental pain. This belief that your pain is going to last forever makes rejection seem more scary than it actually is. Even when a minor setback occurs, it can feel difficult to cope, and prevent you from engaging fully in social or professional situations.
If you had a previously negative experience with rejection, it can be easy to generalize one situation and make that the blueprint for the future. That is to say, you may see one instance of rejection as evidence of a broad truth about yourself, like you are destined to always be rejected. This over-generalization can lead to a negative cycle of self-doubt and create a distorted view of yourself. Instead of viewing rejection as a form of redirection, you will come to view rejection as a defining aspect of your life even when it is not with this outlook. For guidance, read our blog “Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Negative Self-Talk.”
Another major facet of the fear of rejection is the fear of losing social acceptance and connection. You may worry that rejection will lead to isolation or the loss of important social connections, from friendships to romantic connections. If you are struggling with this, check out our blogs “Why Do You Experience Grief After A Friendship Breakup?” and “How to Stop Stressing Over A Breakup.”
The thought of being cut off from friends or social support is distressing. The fear of losing this support network can drive you to avoid situations where rejection may occur. Ironically, this will only restrict your opportunities to have meaningful social interactions.
What does constant rejection do to a person?
Constantly being rejected can have a detrimental impact on your emotional and psychological welfare.
For one, rejection can erode your sense of self-worth and confidence, leading you to feel unworthy or inadequate. A persistent sense of failure can lower your own belief in your abilities and values. Constant rejection can lead to making overgeneralizations where you believe rejection is a reflection of your worth as a human being. This can lead to a belief where you feel like you will always be rejected no matter what the circumstances are, impacting your self-view and the interactions with the people and world around you.
A rejection fear can also create chronic anxiety and stress. Constant rejection can worsen these feelings, making it hard to move through daily life and handle your responsibilities and relationships. Ongoing rejection can also contribute to feelings of hopelessness, sadness, and depression. For guidance, check out our blog “Sadness vs Depression: When to Get Help.” The emotional toll of repeatedly being shut down or told “no” can lead to serious mental health issues.
Going hand-in-hand with depression, you may experience a diminished motivation to pursue your goals or take on new endeavors. Trying new things and taking risks can feel out of your reach with little to no motivation. To learn more, take our Depression Quiz to find out if you are struggling with depression.
To protect yourself from further rejection, you might begin to avoid situations where you could potentially face rejection. Avoidance will only limit your personal growth and the opportunities in your life. It may also cause you to withdraw from social interactions and relationships altogether. This self-isolation can deepen feelings of loneliness you may be experiencing, and worsen mental health challenges.
Constant rejection can make it difficult to form and maintain healthy connections. You may develop an ongoing battle with trust and vulnerability, fearing that any new relationship you encounter will only lead to rejection.
It is easy to internalize the rejection you are facing or experiencing which may cause you to be extra hard on yourself, worsening your self-esteem in the process. Constant rejection can cause emotional distress. The effect of many negative emotions can be overwhelming and challenging to manage.
Chronic rejection can trigger a flood of intense and complex emotions, encompassing the following:
Anxiety
Frustration
Hopelessness
Sadness
Shame
Loneliness
Self-doubt
Anger (To learn more, check out our blog “The Most Important Things You Need to Know About Anger Management”)
Guilt
Despair
What is rejection trauma?
Rejection trauma is the psychological and emotional impact of repeated or major experiences of rejection that can lead to prolonged trauma. The lasting impact of rejection can impact your mental health, self-esteem, and general emotional welfare.
Some key components of rejection trauma include the following:
Long-term impact:
Rejection trauma can be long-lasting, changing how you perceive yourself and how you interact with other people. This can affect your ability to form and maintain healthy social connections.
Emotional wounds:
Deep emotional wounds can sprout from the rejection trauma of constantly being rejected. These wounds can affect your self-worth and sense of belonging.
Cognitive distortions:
Cognitive distortions can be caused from rejection trauma. Rejection in one area of your life can feel like rejection across the board in your eyes. You may start to see yourself as unlovable or unworthy.
Trust issues:
Rejection trauma can cause you to adopt trust issues. Even if another person is being sincere, it is hard for you to believe them since you believe it will just add in rejection again. For support and guidance, check out our blog “How to Deal with Trust Issues.”
Reinforcement of negative beliefs:
Experiencing trauma can reinforce negative core beliefs you hold about yourself. This can trigger a cycle where past experiences of rejection can be projected into the future, causing you to have negative, current thoughts and behaviors related to rejection.
How to fix a fear of rejection
The primary way to fix a fear of rejection is understanding that rejection is universal. By adopting this belief, being rejected loses its power.
Everyone has been rejected at one point in their lives or another, such as:
Not receiving an invitation to a coworker’s party
A friend ignoring your message about hanging out
Getting denied from a job after an interview
Being turned down for a second date with a love interest
When you have an image in your head of a perfect situation, it can be hard to cope when things go awry.
Even though rejection is universal, that does not make the actual experience of being rejected any easier. The feelings you are experiencing are real. Your friends and family members may encourage you to “get back out there” after rejection, but sometimes it can be hard to push aside your emotions, especially if you are experiencing uncomfortable emotions like embarrassment and awkwardness.
No one knows how you are feeling except you. Acknowledge your feelings and then address them. Telling yourself that you do not care about the rejection even when you really do denies you the space for healing that you need and deserve.
Addressing your emotions can be a hard thing to do on your own. Therefore, a self-esteem therapist at Anchor Therapy can help you in overcoming your fear of rejection.
A self-esteem counselor can help you manage and overcome a fear of rejection by assisting in:
Assessment and understanding
Developing healthy coping skills
Building self-compassion to enhance your self-esteem
Goal setting
Emotional regulation
Skills development
Exploring past occurrences
Behavioral experiments
Goal setting
Support and encouragement
A fear of rejection can severely impact your life, but you are not alone in this journey. From building self-compassion to challenging your negative self-beliefs, you can overcome your fear of rejection.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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