This is part 2 of a two part blog series. First check out part 1 at, “Communicating with your partner through COVID-19”.
When it comes to improving communication in a relationship, it takes more than just talking more to your partner. It is the way you speak, what you say, what they hear, and much more. As previously discussed, healthy and meaningful communication is built in many ways. One of the biggest issues that couples come across when communicating is oversimplifying it to the belief that one person talks and the other listens. Sure, in some way this is true, but communicating is an active skill and both the speaker and person listening need to be engaged and attuned.
In reality, communicating is a collaboration between two people trying to share and understand one another’s feelings, ideas, beliefs, and experiences. Each person has their own perceived reality in any given situation, as well as a lifetime of experiences that make them see the world in a particular way. In order to best understand where your partner is coming from, you will both need to develop and foster specific skills.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with psychotherapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, and life transitions. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing telehealth (video/phone) sessions to residents of New Jersey and New York.
In my work as a Couple’s Counselor, I have seen the many pitfalls that arise when communication falters.
Does this conversation sound familiar to you?
Partner 1: Did you unload the dishwasher this morning?
Partner 2: No, I’ll do it later.
Partner 1: You never do anything when you say you will.
Partner 2: All you do is call me lazy and nag me.
Partner 1: I wouldn’t have to nag you if you just did what I asked.
Partner 2: I know, I know. I can’t do anything right anymore.
If you are feeling exhausted and defeated in this type of repetitive communication pattern, below are some tips and tools on how to improve communication in your relationship.
Active Listening
The first step in learning how to better communicate with your partner is to learn how to listen to them. If someone does not feel heard or understood, it can cause them to shut down, withdraw, and become guarded in the relationship. Active listening helps to build trust by showing your partner that you care to not only hear what they are expressing, but also understand it. The goal of active listening is to pay attention to your partner’s body language and non-verbal cues while displaying genuine engagement and interest.
The three key things to remember when using this skill are: attitude, attention, and adjustment. Try to maintain a positive attitude, pay attention, and go with the flow of what your partner has to say.
Give your partner your undivided attention. Yes, this means put away your phones, turn off the television, and try to quiet all the other thoughts running through your mind.
Show that you are listening. Use your own non-verbal cues to communicate your engagement in the conversation. Some ways to do this are nodding, eye-contact, and positioning your body toward your partner. All of these will help you stay focused and silently communicate your openness to hear what your partner has to say.
Affirmations. To show continued engagement you can use brief affirmative expressions such as, “I see,” “I understand,” “Can you explain that to me more,” and, “Thank you.”
Don’t Interrupt. You may feel the need to interject your own opinions while listening to your partner. Do your best to wait it out and follow up after they are completely done with their thought. We all hate to be interrupted, and it can make the other person feel defensive and dismissed.
2. Reflective Listening
Reflective listening helps your partner feel heard and is a great way to help you better understand your partner’s message. Reflective listening and active listening go hand in hand. Now that you have used your active listening skills to hear your partner out, it is time to better understand what they have to say. Reflective listening helps you and your partner better understand one another with lowered defenses and an open mind.
Paraphrase what you heard and reflect it back to your partner. This is a great way to show your partner that you were listening and want to better understand what they are feeling.
Clarify. This goes back to what was discussed in part 1: Process versus content. Sometimes the message you hear is not the one that your partner intended to communicate. This goes back to each person having their own beliefs and associations with phrases and trigger words. Clarify by reflecting back what you think you heard. You can paraphrase what your partner said and ask follow up questions such as:
“What I’m hearing you say is…”
“I heard ___, did you mean it that way?”
“It sounds like you are feeling ____”
Lower defenses and express these skills without judgment. In order to improve the connection and increase positive feelings, it is crucial to reflect without judgment. You and your partner may not automatically understand or identify with each other’s perspective. The goal here is to show that you want to learn why they think and feel the way they do. No matter what is going on, each of your feelings and experiences are real and valid. If either of you become defensive while communicating, it will make it harder and harder to feel safe and comfortable opening up again in the future.
3. Be Kind But Be Direct:
Be direct and understanding in your approach. Say your partner consistently leaves dirty dishes in the sink, and it makes you angry each and every time. This has come up in nearly every couple’s counseling experience I have had in one way or another. The only thing you can ever know for sure when communicating with your partner are your own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions.
“I” Statements – Focus on your own perspective. Approach your partner calmly, in a caring tone and use a direct “I” statement to express your thoughts and feelings on the issue. Instead of getting stuck in the cycle of arguing and becoming angry at your partner, explained to them how this makes you feel and why. When you speak from your heart and the impact their actions have on you, your partner will be able to see from your eyes rather than just their own.
Avoid Extreme and Absolutes: always, never, every time. Extreme words like these can be very hurtful to healthy communication. When words like these are used against one another, it automatically creates the environment where one will be feel attacked and become defensive. Try to remember positive exceptions and highlight the times where your partner did something well. If you want them to make a more significant effort in any area of your relationship, focus on how positive it made you feel when they did do it in the past. If you only acknowledge the negative, it can be very easy to lose sight of the positive.
4. Self-Awareness is Key:
It is hard to be self-aware when emotions and frustrations surface. Self-awareness is crucial throughout all aspects of communicating with your partner. Do you and your partner tend to escalate arguments quickly? Learning to pay attention to your tone, word choice, body language, and emotions can really help reduce escalation and be more honest about what you are thinking and feeling.
Self-awareness will help you and your partner tune in to your own feelings and behaviors. If you can work to better understand yourself, you will be able to more effectively communicate any issues with your partner. Before you can learn how to really listen to someone else, you will need to learn how to do this for yourself.
5. Connect and Compromise:
Compromise is a way to use all of these skills and move forward in a positive and productive way. It is not about right versus wrong or winning when it comes to resolving issues through communication, but finding a middle ground that you can both agree upon. Good compromises help improve your relationship because it builds connection. This is how you grow together, learn from one another, and become a true team in life. Finding a middle ground does not mean sacrificing something that is important to either one of you. Sacrifices may be necessary but they can also create bitterness and resentment. A compromise is a way for both of your needs to be met in a way that seems fair and respectful while creating a happy medium that suits everyone’s needs. Several great places to start when working to find a middle ground are:
How you fight: Everyone fights in relationships, but how you choose to do so is up to you. Talk to your partner about what triggers you in an argument and find a way to work things without falling into the traps of being cruel to one another. Does one of you like to deal with problems and the other usually withdraws? A compromise could be taking a time out or setting an amount of time aside to calm down knowing that you will return to the conversation later the same day.
Quality time together: Just because you are together often (and probably all the time during COVID-19 quarantine) does not mean you are connecting. Talk about what you need from one another, and work out a plan that feels fulfilling and genuine. If life is too crazy there is always room for a 30-minute heart to heart weekly to check in and be open with your partner.
Now let’s revisit the argument from earlier utilizing these techniques.
Partner 1: Did you get a chance to unload the dishwasher this morning?
Partner 2: Not yet, to be honest I completely forgot about it.
Partner 1: I understand. I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed, and it would mean a lot to me if you helped out a bit more.
Partner 2: I’m sorry I didn’t do it when I said I would. Do you feel like I don’t do enough around the house?
Partner 1: Sometimes I do feel that way, but I really appreciate when you do help like yesterday when you put away the laundry.
Partner 2: I’ll do my best to help more, it’s just not something I usually think about. Thank you for the reminder and let’s talk about how we can divide the chores more evenly.
To have truly healthy communication you need to be both a reflective and active listener. If your partner is sharing something with you, show them you are listening. Look at them, face your body toward them to show interest, and try not to interrupt. To show you are truly listening reflect back some of what they say in your own words. This helps to better understand what they really mean, and show you genuinely care enough to find out what that is. If you feel confused about anything or triggered, all you have to do is calmly ask for clarity. If you are the speaker, try and keep a calm and even tone while using you-centered wording. Check in with yourself and be honest and open about your needs. Then follow this statement up with a solution or compromise. Compromises are the key to a lasting relationship because they show that both partners are willing to work as a team to meet each other’s needs.
If you and your partner feel like you are struggling and need more help with what to do next, couple’s counseling may be your next step. Sometimes when you get caught in a negative communication cycle it can be hard to break. As a Couple’s Counselor, I have seen many different people from diverse backgrounds who need some guidance and support working through long-standing and newly formed difficulties within their relationship. Couples counseling can help you better understand the problems while learning all the strategies needed to improve the quality of communication and relationship. When you feel positive about your communication it will lead to more positive experiences together. This means more enjoyable interactions that will help to maintain the relationship and keep it moving forward.
If you are interested in learning more about couples counseling or you would like to get started then you can fill out the form below to reach out.
Lauren Mandelbaum, LPC, NCC, CCMHC
is a licensed psychotherapist practicing in Hoboken, New Jersey. She specializes in helping teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and life transitions through counseling. Lauren can help NJ residents through telehealth (video/phone) therapy sessions as well.
