Your pre-teen and teenage years are filled with time of exploring the world and how you fit in it. Identity becomes a huge topic of exploration for most teens. Your teen may be contemplating anything from as simple as their future career goals up to their gender identity or sexual orientation. This is typically a time that you may find your teen to come out to you by identifying as being a part of the LGBTQ+ community. As a parent, no matter how accepting you are, this may come as a surprise to you and it may take some time to process. Once you have processed this new information, you can then take some extra steps to support your teen as they navigate their new identity and grow into an adult.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with psychotherapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, and life transitions. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing telehealth (video/phone) sessions to residents of New Jersey and New York.
Express your love and acceptance
This is the biggest thing that stops children from coming out to their parents. They feel they may not be accepted by their parents and that their parents may no longer love them. Now is the time to show your child that you continue to love them and accept them for who they are. This will give them confidence that it is okay to express themselves how they want to. They know that you have their back if something bad does arise, such as bullying.
The best thing that you can say to your teen who has come out as a part of the LGBTQ+ community is, “I love you, and I support you no matter what.”
Keep the conversation going
After your teen comes out to you, you may feel that the conversation is over. On the contrary, it is just beginning. Teens are at a stage in life that they need their parents’ support and guidance as they are constantly changing and growing into who they want to be. Keep the conversation going by asking them questions. These questions can be out of your own curiosity or they may be concerns or worries that you have. You want to try to get on your child’s level to understand what exactly they are feeling and experiencing during this process of finding their identity and coming out to others.
It is okay if you don’t fully understand how your teen identifies. What is important is that you try your best to support them with whatever they need at this delicate time. You want to validate and support their gender and/or sexual identity. By supporting your children in this way, they will grow up to be healthy adults who can experience healthy relationships. Your child will also grow up to be someone who is confident and feels good in their body.
Watch Out For Warning Signs
Mental health has a higher prevalence for young people who identify as a part of the LGBTQ+ community. Watch out for warning signs of anxiety and depression. Having your teen see a therapist during this coming out process can be a great benefit to your family. It could also be helpful to see a therapist yourself to help you process the change within your child so that you can fully support them in the best way that you can.
Another thing to look out for within your teen is low self-esteem. It is common for pre-teens and teens, especially ones who identify as transgender, to experience a low-esteem and low confidence. The teen years are the time that your child’s confidence should be building, not diminishing.
Keep an eye out for any signs of bullying. It is typical that teens who identify in the LGBTQ+ community are more likely to be bullied over kids who do not identify openly as such. Some signs of bullying include:
Your child comes home with torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings
They have unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches
They have few friends who they spend time with
They seem afraid of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part in organized activities with peers
They find or makes up excuses as to why they can’t go to school
They have lost interest in school work or suddenly begins to do poorly in school
They appear sad, moody, teary, or depressed when they come home
They complain frequently of headaches, stomachaches or other physical ailments
They have trouble sleeping or have frequent bad dreams
They experience a loss of appetite
They appear anxious and suffer from low self-esteem
If you have any reason to feel that your child is being bullied then you should ask more questions to see what is actually going on. If needed you may need to advocate for your child and get the school involved if that is where the bullying is taking place.
Get Your Child Professional Support
The pre-teen and teen years are already a difficult time for all children to get through. Identifying as a person of the LGBTQ+ community can increase this difficult time greatly. It would be helpful to have at least a school counselor in the know so that they can be there as support for when your child needs it. Or you may want an outside mental health professional who can support your teen and family. They will be non-biased and not connected to the school, which could be helpful.
Let Your Child Express Themselves However They Want Inside and Outside The Home
It is important that you fully support your child’s self-expression. They may want you to change gender terms when speaking about them, they may want to dress a certain way, or they may want to be called a different name by you. These are all things that you should be changing within the home and outside of the home (when they are comfortable doing so).
It is possible that you child is in the middle of their coming out process, which may mean that they want to express themselves a certain way inside of the home, but are not comfortable doing so outside of the home yet. This is something that you can support inside of the home and they will take that next step whenever they feel ready.
It is your job to show that you support them in making this change inside of your home. For example, if your daughter wants to be called he/him/son/brother then you will have to make an extra effort to use these pronouns inside of the home. It is likely that you will mess up by saying, “Your sister gets a turn to pick the next TV show.” The goal here is to catch yourself that you made a mistake. And educate your family members to correct each other. You would then correct it by saying, “I’m sorry I meant to say your brother.” By correcting yourself and moving on it shows that you are supporting your child while actively trying to make this big change within the home. They know you are human and all they ask is that you try your best.
Provide Access to LGBTQ+ Media
Introduce into the home diverse forms of media including TV shows, movies, books, etc. that include LGBTQ+ characters and cultural figures. This will show that you are an accepting home that is open to educating each other about this community. You want to display gender and sexual diversity in a positive light and make it a norm in your family. It is always great for your child to have role models in the media to look up to. These are usually people who they feel themselves portrayed as in some way.
If you have a pre-teen or teen who identifies as a member of the LGBTQ+ community then your support as a parent really matters. Studies show that parental support is critical for LGBTQ+ children’s overall health and well being. Now is the time that you can make a true difference for your children and help them grow up to be healthy and successful LGBTQ+ adults.
Courtney Glashow, LCSW
is a licensed psychotherapist practicing in Hoboken, New Jersey. She specializes in helping teens and adults with anxiety, depression, and life transitions through counseling. Courtney can help NY or NJ residents through telehealth (video/phone) therapy sessions as well.
