Raising children is no easy task. As the age-old saying goes, “It takes a village to raise a child”, but what happens if you do not have that village to rely on? What if child care is always on you? Raising a child is a privilege, but it does not mean that it is an easy task by any means. It is a continuous labor of love and, even when you feel like you have nothing else to give, you have to keep going.
Due to a variety of reasons, you may have opted to become a Stay-At-Home Mom (SAHM). Perhaps you have always wanted to be an extra hands-on mother or, due to the cost of child care, you have decided to stay at home, handle the kids, and other daily responsibilities. Fathers can also take on the role of a stay-at-home parent, but the position is primarily occupied by mothers. According to the Pew Research Center, 26% of mothers stay at home while only 7% of fathers stay at home.
As a SAHM, it is normal to feel down from time to time. Just like any other job, the days can feel mundane and you may feel isolated from adult interactions. However, if you are experiencing constant thoughts of despair or feel purposeless, you may be dealing with SAHM burnout or SAHM depression.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What is Stay-At-Home-Mom Burnout?
If you are a full-time caretaker, you may relate to SAHM burnout which refers to the state of feeling exhausted due to your challenging and isolating role as a parent. SAHMs often experience burnout due to being in a constant state of stress and exhaustion. As the primary caregiver in the family, you are at a higher risk for experiencing stress.
Compared to a mother who works outside the home, SAHM burnout can actually be a very difficult thing to spot. This is due to the misconception that SAHMs are not really working and, instead, they have more time and less stress in their life. If you are a SAHM, you know that this is far from the truth.
Being a full-time caretaker brings along its own unique set of challenges, including isolation. You do not have that chance to chat to a co-worker while on break or grab lunch with the person in the cubicle next to you. Typically, SAHMs are home with children during the week. SAHM burnout is almost invisible which can make your experiences seem invalidated by other people.
As a SAHM, you may think:
“I should feel so lucky to be in this position.”
“This should be easy.”
“I should enjoy spending time at home with my kids.”
“I should not be stressed.”
You may place a lot of emphasis on how you “should” feel without really feeling your feelings. When you ignore your feelings of SAHM burnout, your symptoms may worsen, making you feel even further depleted than you already are and even leading to SAHM depression.
Symptoms of stay at home mom (SAHM) Burnout
Just as occupational burnout, SAHM burnout causes you to feel both mentally and physically exhausted. You may find yourself distancing yourself from your child or teen or even resorting to substances to feel an ease of symptoms. You may begin to lose the joy you previously had associated with your parental role.
SAHM burnout symptoms may include the following:
Anxiety (Take our “Anxiety Quiz”)
Depression (Take our “Depression Quiz”)
Mental exhaustion
Insomnia (For support, check out “How CBT Can Help With Your Insomnia”)
Self-doubt (Read our blog “The Ultimate Guide to Building Self-Confidence” for tips)
Irritability
Mom rage (“Mom rage” is defined as an all-encompassing fit of anger that interferes with your daily functioning)
Loneliness
Overwhelming feeling that everyone is relying on you
Substance use (Check out our blog “5 Ways to Help Someone Battling Addiction & Substance Abuse Issues”)
Feeling like you never have any time to yourself
Suicidal ideations (feeling suicidical? Help is only a phone call away at the free National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 988)
What causes burnout as a stay at home mom (SAHM)?
Unlike a traditional 9-to-5 job, you work around the clock 24/7 as a SAHM. The role of a SAHM is a demanding role that can be lonely at times. In order to manage your mental health and the stability of your family, managing stress is a must. When stress piles up, it can negatively impact the relationship you have with your partner and even negatively impact the development of your child. For some guidance, check out our blog “Everything You Need To Know About Stress Management Therapy.”
Besides standard life transitions, there are many triggers of SAHM burnout. Perhaps you feel like your partner does not appreciate your sacrifices to stay at home, manage a household, and raise a family. Maybe you are trying to battle the stigma of being a SAHM.
Here are some common causes of SAHM burnout:
Lack of resources to manage stress
Financial issues
You feel like your efforts are not appreciated or reciprocated
Stigma of being a SAHM
Self-judgment of being a SAHM
Isolation and/or lack of social connection
Lack of external support
You feel like the workload always falls on solely you
How Can I Cope With SAHM Burnout as a mom in hoboken or jersey city nj?
As a SAHM, it is easy to feel burnt out. Luckily, there are ways to cope with the intense stress that you are experiencing.
Here 5 tips on how to cope with SAHM Burnout:
Carve out time for yourself
I know that this is easier said than done, but it is important to create time for yourself where your sole focus is on you. Whether you exercise, take a bath, meditate, read a book, or engage in a creative hobby, you need to pour into yourself as well. A break is necessary for finding some source of relief throughout the day. For example, you may want to wake up 30 minutes before your baby so you can have your morning cup of coffee in silence.
While it may seem impossible now to make time in your schedule, it will pay off in the long-run and actually make you more productive throughout the day. When you take care of yourself, you are also creating more energy to take care of other people, including your family and your child.
2. Employ emotional self-care
As a parent, you may hear a lot about self-care, but you do not know how to integrate it into your life. To you, self-care may not look like a bubble bath and glass of wine, perhaps it is engaging in a gruesome workout that leaves you feeling powerful when it is completed. Everyone is different and you have to find what works for you.
With that being said, emotional self-care is something that every SAHM can benefit from. To practice emotional self-care, you use mindfulness to observe and label your feelings. If you cannot identify your emotions, you cannot work on them. As a SAHM, you may be so busy that you do not even notice how you are feeling.
To prevent this from happening, you can start checking in with yourself throughout the day. You may ask yourself “What emotions am I feeling right now?” or “On a scale from 0 to 10, how deeply am I feeling [insert emotion]?”. This is an easy way to identify your emotions, and it can give you the space to actually listen to your answers. When you know what you are feeling, you can address your emotions accordingly.
If you find it hard to take breaks throughout the day to check-in with yourself, you can even set a reminder on your phone. If you find that your anxiety is too high, you can step away from your to-do list and get out of the house, go for a walk, or journal.
For more information, read our blog “Your Guide to Self-Care As A Parent.”
3. Get your partner involved
Being a SAHM does not mean that you are a single parent. If you have a significant other, you can work with them to share household responsibilities when necessary. This is a great way to avoid burnout. If you are taking the kids to and from school and other extracurricular activities, cleaning the house, and cooking dinner, walking the dog may be the little thing that sets you over the edge.
Creating a plan with your partner can help take something off of your plate which will lessen your stress in return. Open and honest communication is key. You may express to your partner that walking the dog would mean a lot to you and it may turn out that your significant other loves to walk the dog! Talking out in the open about household responsibilities will help both you and your partner find a spot to meet in the middle.
Having an open line of communication may be uncomfortable for some people so try to mentally prepare for this potential discomfort. You could also use “I statements” when expressing your needs to your partner. For more help, check out our blog “4 Communication Tips Couples Need To Know.”
4. Step out of the “office”
If you work outside of the home, imagine living in your office. Working, eating, and sleeping in the space. For a SAHM, this is the reality of their situation. Your home is your full-time job and it can quickly feel like an office space for you.
When you leave the home, you may find that you feel more refreshed than usual. From taking a yoga class to getting a massage, a change of scenery may do wonders for you in hitting the ‘reset’ button.
If this is not an option for you, it can even be helpful to designate a certain area of the house just to yourself where no baby toys or bottles are present. That is to say, you are creating a space solely for the purpose of relaxation and not household chores or duties.
For example, your living room may be your sanctuary. Perhaps it is there where you can unwind, light some candles, and read a good book.
5. Engage with like-minded parents
As a SAHM, you may feel isolated. If this is the case, it can be helpful to meet with other stay-at-home caregivers who you can build a supportive community with. Other stay-at-home caregivers will understand your day-to-day life.
If you are unsure of how to make other parent friends, “parent and me” classes are a great way to start. It gives your baby a chance to socialize with other children and gives you the opportunity to have adult interactions. Over time, you will feel like you are connected to other people and have a strong community to rely on.
Part of being a parent in 2024 is social media. While social media offers a great place for connection with other moms, it can also be easy to compare yourself to someone else online. Social media can be a potentially dangerous place if you feel isolated or burnt out. If you notice that a certain mommy influencer is causing you to have negative feelings about yourself, hitting the ‘unfollow’ button can make a world of difference on your mental health. If you struggle with this, check out our blog “How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other People.”
How can stay at home mom burnout turn into SAHM depression?
When you do not address your burnout as a SAHM, it can lead to SAHM depression. SAHM depression can be caused by ongoing parenting duties coupled with isolation and a lack of support. As a SAHM, it is not uncommon for you to carry the mental load of your family.
You may feel unseen or like your anxieties are not being heard by your loved ones. While some people may think you do not work and you just get to play with your children all day long, there is much more to being a full-time caretaker. Even though you are at home, it does not mean that you are not physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. You are still working a full-time job even though you are not being paid.
How can a postpartum therapist in hoboken + jersey city nj help me?
No matter how old your children are, having a therapist who understands maternal mental health is key.
Individual therapy for burnout and/or depression is a first line treatment for SAHM burnout or SAHM depression. Specifically, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most common approaches in treating depression.
From meeting with a maternal depression therapist online to seeing a depression therapist in-person in Hoboken NJ or Jersey City, New Jersey, there are many options to find the right treatment approach for you. Therapy for SAHM depression at Anchor Therapy gives you the opportunity to talk about your emotions in a safe environment.
Beyond working with a therapist for burnout, receiving external support and learning new coping skills is essential to handle your stress as a SAHM.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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