We have all been there before- your anxiety creeps up, makes you rethink why you said “yes” to the plans in the first place, and then, eventually, you start brainstorming reasons as to why you are canceling.
It can be uncomfortable to say “no”, especially if you struggle with pleasing people. If you think this may be something you struggle with, check out our blog “How To Know If You’re A People-Pleaser and The Psychology Behind It.” You may feel like you are letting someone down when you say “no” or you may feel like you are not good enough for the task at hand. Sometimes, your anxiety can get in the way and make it impossible for you to follow through on commitments.
In its most basic form, having plans can give you something fun to look forward to on your calendar and can fulfill your basic need for human connection. But, at its worst, it can leave you feeling like you are obligated to do something, dreaming about crossing out this event on your calendar in a bold black Sharpie.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, Florida, North Carolina, and Utah.
Be Open and Honest With Yourself
If you are looking to cancel plans, ask yourself why. If you are feeling anxious about an upcoming commitment or event, listen to your mind and body and what it is trying to tell you. Sometimes, trying to push through your anxiety can have the opposite effect- making you even more anxious and irritable. If you have social anxiety, check out our past blog, “6 Helpful Tips for Living with Social Anxiety.” Do not lie to yourself and tell yourself that you are okay and you can push through it. It is okay to feel your feelings.
Before deciding whether or not you should cancel an event, be completely open and honest with yourself. When you do this, you can make an informed decision- one coming from logic and ration instead of rash emotion.
If you really are not feeling up to an event, then you can cancel it rather than force yourself to go through with it. But, if this is something you struggle with constantly, it is highly advised that you seek the professional support of an anxiety therapist near you.
Why do you feel conflicted in the moment where you want to cancel your plans?
When you are going back and forth on whether you want to cancel plans or not, go inward and try to discover why you feel that way. Typically, it is because your needs are not being met in one shape or form. When you do not check in with yourself, you can be neglecting important messages that your mind and body have been trying to tell you.
For example, let us say that you agreed to go out on a date on Saturday night. But, when Saturday morning rolls around, you immediately start regretting your decision. You still like the person and enjoy their company, but there is a part of you that wants to cancel the plans, stay home, and withdraw. You may be feeling pulled in two directions- a part of you wants to go on this date with this amazing person and see where things go but the other part of you desires isolation. If you experience this, check out our blog “How To Cope With Dating Anxiety.”
In order to go inward and discover why you want two opposite things at once, you need to address the anti-social part of you. To do so, you can ask yourself:
What emotions arise when I think of going out?
What are my thoughts surrounding going out?
What are some needs that are not being met?
By doing this exercise, you may realize a host of issues you never thought of much before. One of your answers that pops up may be “I never have time for myself.” Maybe you are someone who over-books your schedule to the maximum so, for the little downtime you do have, you want to spend it by yourself relaxing.
After checking in with the part of you that wants to withdraw, make sure to also check in with the social part of you that wants to keep your plans. You can identify your needs by doing the same question system. Perhaps spending time with a friend by going on a walk sounds like the perfect form of self-care for you.
It is important to remember that self-care and “filling your cup” looks differently for everyone. One person may view exercise as a great form of self-care while another person views a bubble bath as ideal. There is no right or wrong form of self-care. There is no right or wrong way to take care of yourself. To learn about the diversity of self-care, read our blog “The 8 Forms of Self-Care & How You Can Practice Them.”
Once you have fully checked in with both sides of yourself, you are in a place where you can make an informed decision. This is when you can try to discover a solution to your dilemma that will fulfill as many needs of yours as possible. For example, if you are going to a party, maybe you still go to the event, but you do not stay for the whole duration.
By using this process, you get to check in with all of the parts of you. Then, you can make a decision with no regrets or remorse.
Canceling plans is not always bad
While it is not great to have your anxiety control you, there is a fine line between anxious thoughts, and needing a moment to yourself to rest and unwind.
You might schedule brunch with a friend when things in your life are going smoothly, but then a life transition happens that knocks you off your feet. Life gets in the way sometimes and that is okay. Maybe you came down with an unexpected cold. Perhaps work is extra busy this week. Or, after checking in with yourself, you feel like you need a moment to catch your breath and staying home is the answer.
It is your life, and there is no wrong or right way to approach a situation. You know yourself best and, when your brain is telling you to take a timeout, it is important to listen so you avoid burnout. For instance, if you are so consumed with work, it can be hard to take a break or even notice that you need a break. And then when you do rest, you feel guilty. Remember that guilty rest is not true rest. If you are spending the whole time thinking about all of the work you have to complete, your mind is still in corporate mode. If you struggle with this, check out our blog, “3 Ways To Achieve Work-Life Balance.”
Why do I experience fear of missing out (FOMO) even when I wanted to cancel the plans?
Even when your heart’s (and brain’s) truest desire is to cancel plans, you may still experience FOMO.
If you feel like your mental and/or physical health may take a hit by attending the fun event on Friday night, but you are scared you will miss out on a good time, it is important to rethink your situations and priorities so you can learn what serves you the most. Remind yourself that your physical and emotional health is more important than an event or party. There will be plenty of more fun events in the future, but your health cannot be replaced.
Forcing yourself to attend an event or function when you are not feeling well or need space will make you feel worse in the long-run. By ignoring the messages of your mind and body, it may cause you to miss even more events in the future.
Tell the person how you really feel
Odds are that you are not being honest with the person you are canceling plans on. We have been socially conditioned to hide these intimate aspects of our lives, like our anxiety, but speaking on it can do volumes for you.
You may want to cancel plans right away but, then, you start feeling anxious just thinking of a way to communicate this need of yours. It does not feel good to cancel plans no matter what mental state you are in. However, you are surrounded by people who love you and care about your mental health. Most of the time, the person you are canceling on will support you and empathize with your decision to cancel plans in an attempt to ease your worries.
When it comes time to deliver the news to your friend or family member, just be direct and honest. There is no need to lie or come up with a fake excuse. On the other hand, you also do not need to over explain your anxiety. You can keep it concise and to-the-point in saying something along the lines of: “I know I said I would go out this weekend, but work has been so crazy and I need a moment to myself. Let’s try again another weekend.”
You may notice that a fear of social rejection arises when you go to cancel a plan as well. Just because you think something, does not make it true. That is to say, if you have to cancel dinner plans with your friend and you think that they hate you now, that is not true. In the rare case that they do turn on you, then you know that this is not a genuine connection to keep in your life anyways.
How can an anxiety therapist help me?
At Anchor Therapy, we have anxiety therapists who are trained to help you become the best version of yourself again.
In anxiety counseling, you will learn how to:
Uncover the root causes of your worries and fears
Look at situations in a new light
Develop better coping skills
Enhance your problem-solving abilities
Social anxiety is a fairly common mental health concern in today’s world. You may be fearful of interaction with other people due to a fear of being judged in a negative light which can lead to an avoidance of social situations.
If you feel dreaded nerves kicking in close to the time of an anticipated event, it is likely that you are experiencing anxiety. This can manifest physically, just as it does mentally. For instance, you may get a nervous stomach or experience GI issues prior to an event.
Anxiety can make you fear the smallest things which holds you back from fulfilling your potential, thus lowering your quality of life. You may dream of worst case scenarios, fantasizing about what may happen.
Another reason why you may be canceling plans is due to depression. A common symptom of depression is a loss of interest in things you once enjoyed, such as spending time with your friends and family members. Depression can make it difficult to even leave your bed in the morning. When you have depression, it is important to celebrate every little step along the way, even if it is something as simple as grabbing a morning coffee with a friend you have not seen in a minute. Doing the simplest things with depression can feel overwhelming. When you are battling a depressive episode, it can be hard to socialize with other people.
To learn more about canceling plans due to your anxiety, read our top blog, “Why People With Anxiety Cancel Plans Last Minute.”
Overall, only you know what is best for you. If you are anxious about an upcoming event, listen to your body and mind. Do not be hard on yourself- you are trying your hardest. You are allowed to cancel your plans if you think that is the best thing for you. You are correctly prioritizing yourself. Take some time for yourself and remember that your anxiety is not permanent. You will feel okay once again, particularly with the help of an anxiety counselor.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR HELP FROM A PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR TO ASSIST YOU IN MAKING POSITIVE CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE, CONTACT US
WORKING WITH US IS EASY
Fill out the contact form below.
Our intake coordinator will get back to you with more information on how we can help and to schedule an appointment. We will set you up with an experienced licensed therapist who specializes in what you're seeking help with and who understands your needs.
You’ll rest easy tonight knowing you made the first step to improve your life.
