Grief is complicated. When you experience the loss of a loved one, you will soon come to understand that there is no right or wrong way to grieve- everyone’s journey with grief looks different. When you understand the stages and type of grief, you can also discover healthier ways to cope with this life transition.
Plainly, grief is the experience of coping with loss. While one of the most common occurrences of grief is losing a loved one, grief can actually accompany many events which have the ability to disrupt our lives and versions of ‘normalcy.’ Loss is a natural part of life, and it is normal to grieve after experiencing a form of loss. You suffer emotionally when you feel like someone or something has been taken from you.
The pain that accompanies loss can feel overwhelming. You may experience many difficult emotions during your grieving period, including shock, anger, disbelief, guilt, and intense sadness. Grief can also pain you physically, triggering sleep issues or brain fogginess. Believe it or not, all of these reactions to loss are normal. The bigger the loss is, the more intense you can expect your grief to be.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, Florida, North Carolina, and Utah.
Defining Grief
Grief is the experience that goes along with loss. You may be experiencing the death of a loved one, but grief can manifest in several forms.
You can grieve the loss of:
A friend, family member, partner, or pet
Financial stability
A dream or goal
Good health
Fertility
Your youth
Your home or community
A marriage or friendship
Your job or career
To learn more about grief, check out our blog “Am I Experiencing Complicated & Traumatic Grief?” for more information.
The bottom line is that everyone has different reasons for grieving and grieves differently. When you try to understand your emotions and seek the help of a professional therapist specializing in grief, you can heal fully and properly.
What is the grieving process?
Grieving is highly individualized. It depends on several factors.
How you grieve depends on…
Your personality
Your coping styles
Your life experiences (E.g., perhaps you have childhood trauma that is coming up alongside the death of a parent)
Your faith
How significant the loss was in your life
Regardless, the grieving process will take time. It is important to be patient with yourself- healing does not occur overnight. Instead, it is a gradual process. There is no “normal” timeline to grieving contrary to popular belief. Even with the assistance of a grief therapist, healing cannot be rushed or hurried.
For some people, they start to feel better in a matter of weeks or months. For other people, the grieving process can take years. Allow the process to unfold naturally.
Myths About Grief and The Grieving Process
There are many myths about the grieving process. Here are some popular ones…
“You have to be strong when you are experiencing loss.”
When you experience loss, it is normal to feel sad, frightened or even lonely. It does not make you weak to be sad and show your grief. It does not make you weak to cry. It does not make you weak to seek the help of a grief therapist. It does not help your family members and friends to hide your emotions. In fact, showing your feelings can help them along with you.
2. “Grieving lasts a year.”
As I mentioned previously, there is no timeline to grieve. How long it takes to fully heal from the grieving process varies from person-to-person.
3. “To move on with your life, you have to forget about your loss.”
When you move on, it means that you have accepted your loss but that does not mean that you forgot about it. You can move on, taking the next step in life while remembering your loved one and keeping their legacy alive. As we move through life, the memories of your loved one will help shape you.
4. “If you do not cry, it means that you are not sad about the loss.”
Crying is a typical response to sadness, but it is not the only response you may have. Those who do not cry can feel the pain of grief just as deeply as an individual who cries. They may just have different ways of showing it.
Some additional responses to sadness include:
Joint pain or back pain
Gastrointestinal issues
Tiredness
Sleep disturbances
Appetite changes
You may notice that the above responses are also signs and symptoms of depression. If you think you may be struggling with depression, check out our Depression Quiz.
5. “The pain will go away if you ignore it.”
Trying to ignore your pain will only cause more issues down the road. For healing to occur, you must face your grief head-on and actively deal with your symptoms.
What are the five stages of grief and are they accurate?
In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the concept of the five stages of grief.
The Five Stages of Grief:
Denial: “This is not happening to me.”
Anger: “Who is to blame for this?”
Bargaining: “If this does not happen, I promise I will become a better person.”
Depression: “I am so sad- I cannot even make it to work.”
Acceptance: “I have made peace with what happened.”
If you are experiencing any of the above five emotions, that is completely okay. It may be reassuring for you to hear that your reaction is normal and expected and that, in time, you will heal. Some important caveats to the five stages of grief are that they do not always occur in order and you may not experience all five stages. Despite what you may have been led to believe by the media, you do not have to go through each stage of grief to heal fully. There are even some people who fully heal without going through any of the aforementioned grief stages.
Try to not worry about how you should be feeling or what stage of grief you believe you must be in.
The five stages of grief were never intended to be concrete sticking points. In other words, they were meant to provide a loose framework for how grief may look. The purpose of the stages is not to organize complex emotions into simple categories. There is no universal response to grief.
An Analogy for Grief
Some people find it helpful to view grief as a rollercoaster instead of neat five stages. Like a rollercoaster, grief is full of ups and downs, highs and lows.
It takes time to work through the loss of a loved one. Even after we think that we have fully recovered from the loss, a special event, such as a wedding or birthday, may trigger our grief again.
What are the symptoms of grief?
Grief impacts people in different ways, but there are some common grief symptoms that we all may experience. Especially in the beginning stages of grief, almost any signs and symptoms are normal. This can include questioning your religious beliefs or feeling like you are in a bad dream.
What are the physical symptoms of grief?
It is easy to think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but that is not the case.
Grief includes physical symptoms, such as:
Lowered immune system
Weight loss or weight gain
Aches and pains
Insomnia
Fatigue
Nausea
What are the emotional symptoms of grief?
Sadness - One of the most obvious emotional symptoms of grief is sadness. You may feel empty, lonely, and have a deep yearning for your life pre-loss. You may also cry a lot, and feel emotionally unstable.
Fear - When you experience a big loss, you may have additional fears and worries pop up. If you have lost your partner for example, you may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even begin to struggle with panic attacks if your anxiety takes over. The death of your loved one can also trigger questions about your own mortality which may make you spiral. You can also fear facing life without your loved one or having new responsibilities to deal with all on your own. Check out our blog “How You Can Treat Your Anxiety Using CBT” for support.
Anger - Even though the loss may not be anyone’s fault, you may look for someone to blame. You may be angry with yourself, with God, or the doctors who were caring for your loved one. You may even be angry at your loved one for leaving you. You may feel the need to blame someone for what happened to you. Read “The Most Important Things You Need To Know About Anger Management” for more information.
Shock and disbelief - Right after a loss, you may have a hard time accepting what has occurred. You may feel numb to your emotions and have trouble believing what happened to you actually occurred. You may even try to deny the truth. For example, if your best friend passed away, you may still expect your weekly phone call from them.
If a loved one is grieving and experiencing the above symptoms, you can learn how to support them by reading our recent blog “How To Support Someone Who Is Grieving.”
How can a grief therapist help me through this difficult time?
Grief counseling, also known as bereavement counseling, is designed to help you cope with the loss of your loved one. Depending on your needs, you and your grief therapist will work together to learn methods and strategies for coping with your loss. Grief therapy gives you the chance to discuss your feelings and emotions which will help you find new ways to ease the grieving process.
Grief therapy is recommended for adults whose grief:
Causes feelings of guilt and/or depression
Interferes with completing daily activities
Causes issues in existing relationships
Makes it difficult to carry on with their own life
A bereavement therapist is not there to take your pain away- that is not the goal of bereavement therapy. Instead, grief counseling is a chance to honor the loss you experienced.
Grief counseling is:
A safe place to discuss your feelings
Identify ways to honor your loved one
Develop healthy coping skills so you can take care of yourself during the grieving process
In addition to helping you cope with your loss, bereavement counseling can:
Treat your trauma
Express your feelings
Come to terms with your new reality
Address any feelings of guilt you may be experiencing
Construct a strong support system
Living with the pain of unresolved grief is difficult. In fact, this can lead to complicated grief which is when the intensity of grief does not decrease even after a long period after your loved one’s death. Complicated grief is more intense and long-lasting, thus making it more difficult to treat.
Luckily, you can receive virtual grief therapy no matter where you are! Online grief counseling gives you the chance to experience grief support from the comfort of your own home. At Anchor Therapy, we offer teletherapy to residents of Montclair, New Jersey; Jersey City, New Jersey; Bergen County, New Jersey; and all New Jersey, North Carolina, Utah, New York, and Florida residents.
The process of grief counseling
The first step of grief therapy is to create a trusting relationship with your grief counselor. This includes your grief therapist setting up a safe and comfortable setting for you so you can openly share your thoughts and feelings.
Your grief counselor will ask you questions about your grief and practice active listening to fully hear your concerns. For example, if your relationship with the deceased family member was a toxic one, the therapeutic approach your therapist would use will be different in comparison to if the relationship was a healthy one.
Grief therapy is not just for adults- children, teens, and senior citizens can benefit as well! In fact, grief counseling can take many forms, including group counseling.
Anchor Therapy is running a Virtual Grief Support Group, starting September 19, 2023! This group will be run by our amazing therapist Rebecca Bischoff, LCSW who specializes in helping a lot of people with grief. If you are interested in joining our group, fill out our Contact Form.
Overall, grief is not a linear healing process. It has its ups and down and twists and turns but, with the help of a grief counselor, you can feel like your best self again!
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Office Manager at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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