In relationships, the sharing of personal struggles and emotional experiences often bring two people closer together as it can foster connection and understanding. However, when this sharing crosses the line of becoming excessive or one-sided, you move into trauma dumping territory. When someone unloads their emotional pain onto you in a way that feels unfiltered, inappropriate, and/or overwhelming, it is likely trauma dumping. Venting can be done in a healthy manner, but trauma dumping inherently crosses boundaries, and leaves the listener feeling drained or uncomfortable.
Of course, it is important to support your loved ones during tough times, but it is also important to safeguard your mental health so you can maintain emotional balance and not feel overwhelmed by trauma dumping. Sometimes, the person doing the trauma dumping may not even realize that they are straining your relationship! Continue reading this blog to see how constantly being on the receiving end of a trauma dump can create emotional burnout.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What is the difference between trauma dumping and oversharing?
Trauma dumping
Trauma dumping is emotionally intense. Normally, it happens when one person releases deeply personal and/or distressing life experiences. The trauma dumper tends to bring up their topic with no consideration of the listener’s emotional state, readiness, or even the appropriateness of the story at hand.
People who trauma dump may not know how to handle their own emotions which leads to them seeking immediate relief by unloading their emotional pain onto other people. However, this emotional relief is one-sided where one person is toxically venting instead of sharing stories about themself to create a mutual understanding or meaningful dialogue. For help with this concern, check out our blog “How to Regulate Your Emotions.”
One indefinite component of trauma dumping is a lack of boundaries. The person trauma dumping may go into graphic details about things regardless of how well they actually know the listener. For example, while on a coffee break with a new co-worker, they may divulge intimate details of their life. The person who does the trauma dumping may feel better after this conversation, but the listener usually ends up feeling helpless, overwhelmed, and emotionally burdened. For support, read our blog “6 Ways to Set Boundaries and Enforce Them.”
It is totally possible that the person doing the trauma dumping does not even realize the extent of their actions as trauma dumping arises from intense emotional pain. The person likely feels a great need to be heard but has not developed healthy ways to process their emotions or communicate their feelings. That is to say, while trauma dumping can be malicious in certain cases, that is not always the case. The trauma dumper may not realize how their actions are impacting the people around them. With that being said, frequent trauma dumping can damage relationships, especially when boundaries are repeatedly crossed and the listener feels unprepared to handle such intense emotions.
Here are some key characteristics of trauma dumping:
Lack of consent or boundaries
One-sided communication
Emotional overload and urgency
Lack of emotional regulation on behalf of the trauma dumper
Inappropriate timing or context
Listener feels emotionally distressed
Absence of mutual problem-solving
Oversharing
On the other hand, oversharing is generally less emotionally intense. Instead, it involves sharing details of one’s personal life that are excessive or inappropriate for the social context. Oversharing is not usually an emotional release, but it does showcase that a person may lack social awareness or they overestimate how intimate they can be with another person. Nervousness, insecurity, and a deep desire to build connection can also lead to oversharing, especially in new relationships.
A person who overshares may talk too much about mundane personal issues, provide too much detail about private matters, or share inappropriate topics for the given environment. For instance, someone may share intimate details about their romantic life, such as a recent argument with a partner, with their professor or boss when uncomfortable. While oversharing may leave the listener feeling awkward or uncomfortable, it does not have the characteristic of urgency or the same emotional weight as trauma dumping.
Oversharing is typically driven by a need for attention, validation, or connection- it is not rooted in emotional release. The listener may not feel overwhelmed by the discussion, but they will likely feel discomfort due to the mismatch between the content shared and the relationship or setting.
Here are some key characteristics of oversharing:
Overestimating intimacy
Sharing beyond the context
Nervousness or anxiety (Check out our blog “6 Helpful Tips for Living with Social Anxiety”)
Seeking validation or attention
Frequent sharing of non-essential details
Lack of awareness of social norms
Listener has high discomfort level
5 ways to tell if someone is trauma dumping
Trauma dumping is not always easy to spot. It can especially be a tricky thing to identify if the one doing the trauma dumping is not doing it consciously because we associate trauma dumping with malicious intent, but that is not always the case.
Generally speaking, it is natural to want to share emotional struggles in relationships, whether that be friendships or romantic connections. But, trauma dumping takes things a step further and is delivered in a way that feels like unloading instead of engaging in a meaningful conversation with a loved one.
It is important to know the signs of trauma dumping so you can maintain healthy boundaries and ensure that the emotional sharing is mutual and beneficial for both parties. Here are five clear signs to look out for to determine if someone is trauma dumping instead of engaging in healthy emotional sharing…
The sharing is predominantly one-sided
One of the clearest signs of trauma dumping is that the interaction is focused on one person’s emotions and experiences. The listener has the opportunity to give little to no input because the person sharing is dominating the conversation, unloading their emotions with no pausing and now allowing the listener to give support. Therefore, after the conversation, the listener may feel drained since they do not have the chance to say anything or process the information being shared.
In contrast, healthy emotional sharing involves good back-and-forth communication where a listener can ask questions and offer statements of meaningful support. Trauma dumping can feel like you are trapped as the listener since there is no room for balance or mutual exchange. The sharer may not even notice or care about your reactions, focusing solely on their venting session.
2. Timing and context are inappropriate
Another key characteristic of trauma dumping is that it occurs at a time or in a place that is unsuitable for the discussion of heavy topics. For example, during a casual or business setting, a person may begin divulging deeply personal or graphic information which leaves other listeners feeling uncomfortable and caught off guard.
When someone appropriately shares information, they take context into account. Someone who is trauma dumping may be so desperate to release their emotions that they ignore social cues. They dive right into their emotional pain with no consideration about whether or not it is the right time or place. A lack of contextual awareness can create unease for everyone involved in the discussion.
3. Graphic details are told with no trigger warning
Trauma dumping usually involves a sudden introduction of graphic or emotionally intense details. A person may provide explicit details of what happened to them (e.g., violence, abuse, other distressing events, etc.) without warning or without checking in with the listener to see if they are ready to hear such content.
Discussing trauma in safe spaces is beneficial, but trauma dumping lacks the special care and preparation needed for such emotionally-intense conversations. The person sharing their story may do so abruptly, ignoring the potential emotional impact it could have on the listener. Understandably, this can trigger feelings of anxiety or discomfort within the listener, especially if the listener has unresolved traumatic issues of their own.
4. There is an urgent need to vent
People who trauma dump usually do so because they have no other outlet for their emotions, so trauma dumping is urgent in that way and can easily lead to boundary-crossing behaviors. A trauma dumper may look for anyone who is willing to lend a listening ear, regardless of that person’s capacity to handle such emotionally-intense information. The pure urgency of the trauma dumper’s emotions can make the conversation feel pressured or intense.
Due to the sense of urgency embedded into the conversation, you may feel trapped if you are the listener. The sharer may not even give you the space to set boundaries or disengage from the conversation entirely. The immediate relief that the trauma dumper is seeking can overshadow a listener’s needs or willingness to provide support. The behavior of trauma dumping usually highlights that there is a deeper issue underneath the surface, like a lack of healthy coping skills.
5. There is no acknowledgment of the listener’s needs
As touched upon in the previous reasoning, trauma dumping is marked by a disregard for the listener’s feelings or whether or not they are even in a position to provide structured, healthy support. A trauma dumper does not check in with the listener and, while they are talking, they ignore all signs of emotional exhaustion, disinterest, and discomfort. In this case, the listener is likely to feel unseen and undervalued.
With healthy sharing, there is a sense of mutual respect and consideration for all parties involved. When someone trauma dumps, they monopolize the discussion and disregard the listener’s non-verbal cues which may indicate that a listener is feeling overwhelmed.
How to set boundaries with someone who emotionally dumps
While setting boundaries is important when it comes to dealing with a trauma dumper, there is a caveat. Research has shown that around 70% of people worldwide have experienced some sort of traumatic event. Most people who experience trauma do not share their trauma as it can be an incredibly difficult and vulnerable process. Those who trauma dump may have a hard time finding safe spaces where they can discuss their pain.
Survivors of trauma may have a deep need to be heard, but that does not mean that you need to hear their stories, especially if it is triggering to you. You should aim to approach the conversation with a trauma dumper with empathy and understanding. By declining to have an emotionally charged conversation with them, it does not mean that you are denying them as a person. Instead, you are protecting your own well-being. It also gives the trauma dumper the space to find professional support, such as a trauma therapist at Anchor Therapy.
Setting boundaries creates a healthier environment for both the trauma dumper and the listener. Therefore, your conversations moving forward will be emotionally manageable and mutually respectful.
You should always aim to acknowledge the pain of the trauma dumper so you do not invalidate their experience. Let them know that you care about what they are going through, but do not be afraid to mention that the intensity of the conversation is just too much for you to handle at that moment.
Sometimes, people may not even realize the enormous emotional burden they are placing on you. So, you could always offer them an alternative way for them to process their emotions, such as speaking with a trauma counselor. Simply, you just redirected their need for support in a healthier way. This showcases that you care for their well-being, but you also want to protect your emotional energy and peace.
Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable at times, especially if you are worried about hurting the trauma dumper’s feelings. However, it is equally as important to prioritize yourself and your emotions by expressing your emotional needs without guilt. Healthy boundaries are important for maintaining your mental health. When you feel overwhelmed or unprepared, it is okay to protect yourself.
Also, remember that setting boundaries is not a one-time thing. With a trauma dumper, it is likely that you will need to constantly remind them of your boundaries. Be consistent in reinforcing your boundaries. You can gently remind them of other sources of support regularly. By remaining consistent in your boundaries, the person understands that your boundaries are important for the both of you!
Overall, recognizing the signs of trauma dumping is important, especially when it comes to maintaining your own mental health and setting boundaries. By understanding the red flags, you can navigate boundary-setting conversations with a high degree of empathy so you do not become overwhelmed in the process.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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