Have you recently lost someone close to you and now you feel like the world has lost its purpose? Or did a serious relationship traumatically end? Did you recently learn that you are unable to have children? Whatever it is, you are not alone. When you go through a traumatic event like the ones listed above, you may be at risk for experiencing grief.
What Is Grief?
Grief is a common emotional response (in some cases a physical response) that you feel after experiencing a loss from a disaster or traumatic event. Anyone can experience grief, and the effects and experiences differ from each person to the next. Feelings may range from deep sadness to anger outbursts. A person's grief largely depends on their personal attachment to what was lost.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, Florida, North Carolina, and Utah.
Some Common Effects Of Grief Include:
Disbelief and denial
Shock
Distress
Anger
Sadness or depression
Lack of sleep
Everyone feels differently after losing someone, and that's perfectly okay.
The Five Stages Of Grief
The five stages of grief provide a more general guide of the phases you may endure while grieving. You may not experience these five stages in order or fully, but keep them in mind if you can identify with any. It’s possible you may not experience a stage at all or you may experience multiple stages at the same time.
The Five Stages Of Grief Are:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Stage 1: Denial
Denial Can Feel Like…
Shutting down
Confusion
Shock
Numbness
Denial Can Look Like…
Saying “It’s fine” when it’s not
Avoiding people, settings, or situations
Forgetting things
Being easily distracted
Overbooking your schedule so you are bust at all times
Stage 2: Anger
Anger Can Feel Like…
Rage
Frustration
Resentment
Impatience
Acting “out of control”
Anger Can Look Like…
Irritability
Sarcasm
Being aggressive or passive aggressive
Getting into verbal arguments or physical altercations
Stage 3: Bargaining
Bargaining Can Feel Like…
Fear
Blame
Guilt
Shame
Insecurity
Bargaining Can Look Like…
Over-thinking
Worrying
Contemplating the past or future
Always assuming the worst about the future
Step 4: Depression
Depression Can Feel like…
Helplessness
Hopelessness
Disappointment
Sadness
Despair
Depression Can Look Like…
Less interest in maintaining social connections
Appetite changes
Reduced sleep
Loss of motivation
Increased alcohol and drug abuse
If you are interested in seeing if you have depression, take our Depression Quiz to find out more information.
Step 5: Acceptance
Acceptance Can Feel Like…
Validation
Pride
Wisdom
Courageousness
Self-compassion
Acceptance Can Look Like…
Being present
Tolerating your emotions
Having assertive conversations
Engaging with your current reality
Using healthy coping skills
When grieving, you may go through at least two of the five stages. When you are aware of the stages of grief, you can comprehend how your situation is unique by enhancing your self-understanding and compassion. It can help you better understand your needs, and assist you to prioritize fulfilling them.
Are There Different Types Of Grief?
Yes. Depending on the type of loss you experienced and the relationship you held, the type of grief you experience may vary.
Complicated Grief
With time, many people are able to overcome their grief and learn to manage it. However, some people who lose a loved one may experience “complicated grief.” This is a type of grief where you experience grief signs and symptoms that last up to one year or longer.
The intensity of complicated grief varies from person to person depending on…
The context of the loss
The symptoms you are experiencing
And the severity of the symptoms
Severe Symptoms Of Complicated Grief Include:
Lack of desire or interest to make plans
No longer showing interest in previously enjoyed activities
Intense sadness and emotional pain
Difficulties in engaging in happy memories of the lost person or thing
Constant thinking about the deceased loved one and/or how you lost them
If you are experiencing complicated grief, you will be okay. Keep reading to learn how grief counseling and grief therapists can support you.
2. Traumatic Grief
If you lose someone you care about in a traumatic way, such as an accident or witnessing a death, you could be experiencing traumatic grief. Typically, this type of grief occurs when you unexpectedly lose someone. Your grief symptoms may linger for days, weeks, or even months after the traumatic event. These feelings can be so strong they leave you frightened.
If you find that you are going through traumatic grief, reach out to a trauma therapist or grief counselor right away.
Symptoms Of Traumatic Grief Include…
Having nightmares
Having trouble sleeping
Attempting to avoid all thoughts and activities associated with the trauma
Having flashbacks
Experiencing fear or anxiety
Having a loss of appetite
Experiencing shakiness or trembling
How Do I Treat My Complicated & Traumatic Grief?
Grief Counseling! The goal of grief counseling can differ from each person to the next. For instance, let's say you are someone who is experiencing traumatic grief. Your grief therapist may help you process the event, work on handling your feelings, and use possible exposure techniques to ease some of the anxiety.
The Four Stages Of Grief Counseling Include:
Accepting the reality of the loss you are facing
Working through the pain of the grief
Adjusting to life without the subject of your grief
Maintaining a connection to the subject of your grief in a healthy method (e.g., learning to celebrate your loved ones life and accomplishments while accepting they are gone and continuing to work on your own personal goals)
How Will Working With A Grief Therapist Help Me?
Grief therapists use a range of therapeutic modalities to best suit their clients needs. Some common types of grief therapy include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT for grief is an effective form of psychological treatment that works to manage your problems by changing the way you think and behave. If you’re interested in learning more about CBT, read our blog “What is CBT?”.
Some Additional Techniques Used In Grief Counseling Include:
Developing a new identity
Constructing new relationships
Guiding you to start verbalizing your loss (including the person or thing you lost)
Asking you to describe your emotions and feelings
Developing coping strategies
Learning that grief is a normal human reaction to a loss and should be expected
While it is difficult, one of the best things you can do during the grieving process is to take care of yourself. Do not ignore the signs and symptoms.
I feel like I am experiencing grief, but I have not lost a loved one. What does this mean?
Many people view grief as a result of losing a loved one. While this is true, losing something like a relationship, or a missed opportunity can lead you to grieve as well.
Were You In A Relationship That Unexpectedly Ended?
Breakups or ending to relationships can cause many people to grieve. Although, the feelings can be more intense if the ending was unexpected and shocking. Most people in relationships are with their partner because they love them, see a future with them, and have hope in them. Whether it’s a death, or an unanticipated loss of a relationship, it can feel frightening and scary. Luckily, there are many professional grief counselors to support you.
What Does Grieving A Relationship Feel Like?
Sadness
Confusion
Exhaustion
Loneliness
Irritability
The 3 Stages Of Relationship Grief You May Experience Are…
Shock & Disbelief
Overwhelming Emotions & Relinquishment
Acceptance
Stage 1: Shock & Disbelief
If you weren't expecting your relationship to end, you may be in denial or shock. Sometimes in shock, your mind just wants to shut down and ignore the reality for now, but soon it will follow with a flood of emotions (as noted in stage 2).
You May Be Feeling…
Confused
Hurt
Rejected
Sad
Devastated
Stage 2: Overwhelming Emotions & Relinquishment
Once the shock wears off, you are usually left with big emotions of grief and devastation. The intensity of your emotions may feel scary, but this is the normal process of grieving a great loss.
You May Be Feeling…
Disorganized & Confused
Angry
Guilt
Stage 3: Acceptance
Once you have lived through the painful feeling, you will then feel a glimpse of acceptance and this is a turning point in your healing process. You might not be fully happy yet, but you will understand what happened and accept that things cannot be changed. You may finally feel some peace about your situation.
In the acceptance stage, you may be:
Gaining a better understanding about what really happened and are integrating this new understanding into your life story
Feeling more positive
Reorganizing your life based on learning about your loss and experience
Feeling a new sense of courage and strength
No matter how hard this process feels, you will get through it. Breakup counseling is also a great way to battle this loss. Check out this blog “Is Breakup Counseling Right For Me?” for more information.
Did You Recently Learn That You Are Unable To Have Children?
Whether you are unable to conceive, cannot find a partner, or are feeling regretful later in your life because of the choice of no children, you are not alone. This type of grief is rarely acknowledged, yet it is extremely common.
Childless Grief May Make You Experience…
Regret
Sadness
How Do You Deal With The Grief Of Being Childless?
Acknowledge your feelings
It is normal to experience regret. In fact, every person looks back on their life and regrets something. The key is deciding how you are going to deal with those regrets.
First, recognize how you're feeling and be truthful with yourself- but recognize you cannot stay there forever. You have so much to offer to the world than just being a parent and the sooner you realize, the better off you will be.
This is much easier said than done. If you find yourself being pulled down by your regret, reach out for help at Anchor Therapy today.
2. Examine Your Regrets/ Thoughts:
When it comes to not having children, it is helpful to explore what you actually regret. Do you find yourself longing for children in your everyday life, or do you only get little pangs of regret at baby showers, weddings, and so on?
When you really think about it, you may realize that you're actually missing a romanticized idea of parenthood rather than the actual experience itself.
Sometimes people regret not having children because they believe that having a child would somehow make them feel complete. But, it's important to let go of this idea of completeness. Believing that a child would make you feel complete is an unhealthy expectation. You do not need another human being to make you feel whole- you are a worthy person in your own right.
3. Embrace Your Situation:
There is no doubt that there is a lot of freedom that comes with not having children that parents often miss out on.
You may have freedom to travel, sleep late on weekends, join co-workers for a drink, catch up on Netflix, or any number of things that make you feel fulfilled.
Sure, you may feel a pain or longing to be a parent, but if your situation cannot change, it is important to look for the positives in your life rather than dwelling on a situation you cannot control. You may be surprised at how amazing your life already is when you carve time out to reflect.
4. Recognize That You Are Not Alone:
Sometimes it can feel like you are the only one without kids- especially if everyone in your social circle has kids. But, it is important to realize that this is not the reality. There are many people in the world who do not have children, many who have chosen to remain childless.
However, if you are feeling like you are the only person without a child, it may be important to broaden your circle of friends.
The key is to not force yourself to only hang out with friends who are parents, but to open up your circle of friends to include people who can relate to your experiences. You will experience much less regret if you can openly share your feelings with other people.
5. Explore Your Options:
If you find yourself struggling with daily activities and not being able to focus on anything else besides a child, you may want to reach out for help. Many trained professionals and adult therapists are out there and ready to help you.
If you feel like your life is missing something without children, you may want to explore your options. There are many ways to fulfill your life with kids. Maybe you babysit your best friend's child or your nieces and nephews, you can also look into mentoring programs like Big Brother Big Sister. You could volunteer at a local community center, work in childcare, assist with tutoring, or coach a sport.
Depending on your situation, you may look into fertility treatments, vitro fertilization, or a sperm donor. Another option is becoming a foster parent or adoption. There are millions of kids in the United States alone and looking for a loving family.
Never feel like what is done is done. There is always room to make a positive change.
Whether you recently lost a loved one, are going through a traumatic breakup, or realized you cannot have children, you will not feel like this forever. You are not alone and many people are out there willing and ready to support you. A grief, anxiety, or depression counselor may help you navigate through these tough times. You will get through it!
Sabrina Zayas
is studying Human Services with a concentration in Administration and Family Policy at the University of Delaware. She’s a senior and plans on getting her Master’s in Social Work after she graduates. In the future, she would like to work in domestic violence or homeless shelters, hospitals and schools as a social worker, and her ultimate dream goal is to be a therapist.
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