Living with your in-laws can have its fair share of ups and downs, therefore having both a positive and challenging impact on your marriage. In one sense, living with your family can be a beautiful thing as it offers you a close and valuable support system. Your in-laws may contribute financially, or provide practical assistance, such as helping with childcare or household responsibilities, for example. This is a great scenario where a nurturing environment is being created. In other words, everyone is looking out for one another, and contributing. But, for this system to work, clear boundaries and open, honest communication must be in place so your needs as both the couple and extended family are being met.
To flip this situation, living with in-laws can add stress to your marriage. You may feel like it is hard to maintain independence or privacy living in close quarters with your in-laws. You may even feel like you do not hold decision-making power, having your in-laws trump your choices time and time again. If you and your in-laws hold differences in lifestyle, values, or expectations, it can worsen conditions. One way to ensure a peaceful household is to prioritize your marriage. Keep reading to learn more!
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Why is living with in-laws so difficult?
To preface, many people find living with their in-laws to be a great thing. However, many other couples struggle to find their footing living with in-laws. According to the National Association of Homebuilders, research shows that 19.1% of young adults, ages 25 to 31 years old, live with their parents or in-laws.
Living with in-laws can be challenging for a range of reasons. After all, you are blending together different lifestyles, daily routines, and expectations under one roof, hoping for a smooth outcome. When two families join together, there can be differences in how one handles daily tasks, such as something as simple as doing laundry. Even these small discrepancies can cause frustration and resentment over time if they are not dealt with and processed properly.
In-laws may even mean well when they try to take over a task. For instance, let us say that your mother-in-law has assumed the role of cooking dinner every night even though it is something you enjoy doing. Your mother-in-law may mean no harm by doing this and is just taking on this responsibility based on her own habits, but it is interfering with how you prefer to manage your household. Without clear communication here, you may feel friction between you and your mother-in-law, making you and your partner feel overwhelmed in the process.
Growing as a couple involves making decisions that best suit your unique relationship. Typically, as couples get married and get their own house, they are increasing their independence. Your home becomes a space for you and your spouse to grow together and make decisions on your own. However, when you are living with your in-laws, you may feel like your independence is stunted.
For example, your in-laws may make comments about the way you and your spouse spend your money or parent your children. While your in-laws may believe they are trying to guide or help you both, you and your spouse are adults who are likely capable of making your own decisions and running your lives effectively.
Constantly receiving unsolicited advice from your in-laws can make you feel like you are not in control of your own life. The erosion of your and your spouse’s independence can put a dent in your romantic connection as well, especially if you feel like your spouse sides with their parents more than you.
Another major obstacle in living with in-laws is privacy. Many couples report that it is hard to be intimate or spend quality time with your spouse when their in-laws are always around. This lack of privacy can be incredibly uncomfortable, leading to frustration. Even seemingly small issues, like an in-law overhearing your private conversation, can disrupt your sense of closeness as a couple. It may begin to feel like nothing is sacred between you and your spouse anymore.
Here are some common areas where you and your in-laws disagree:
Personal values (e.g., work-life balance, lifestyle choices, etc.)
Health and wellness choices (e.g., diet, healthcare decisions, etc.)
Childcare involvement (How much time should in-laws spend with their grandchildren?)
Decision-making (Who makes important decisions regarding career, big purchases, etc.?) - For more information, read our blog “How Mental Health Counseling Can Help Your Decision Fatigue”
Household routines (e.g., differences over cleaning habits, division of chores, and so on)
Cultural or religious practices (Differing views on traditions, holidays, religious observance, and so on)
Parenting styles (e.g., nutrition, discipline, childcare, etc.)
Finances (e.g., spending habits, budgeting, financial support, etc.) - Read our blog “4 Ways to Deal with Financial Stress” if you are struggling
Personal boundaries (Finding time alone as a couple, personal space, and privacy)
Socializing (Expectations regarding hosting events, having guests over, or other family gatherings)
Communication styles (How are emotions or conflicts being expressed?)
Roles and responsibilities (What is each family member’s role within the household?)
Family dynamics undoubtedly play a role in the difficulty of living with in-laws. From unresolved conflicts to displays of favoritism, tension can easily be created in the household.
As a couple, you may feel like you have to make a choice between appeasing your in-laws or maintaining strong, healthy boundaries. For further guidance, check out our blog “6 Ways to Set Boundaries and Enforce Them.”
How do you set boundaries living with in-laws?
Setting boundaries when living with in-laws is of the utmost importance. Without boundaries, it is hard to know where to draw the line in the sand. In order to set and maintain these boundaries though, clear communication is necessary. In other words, you must be open and honest with both your spouse and your in-laws. It may be difficult to speak so openly, but there is a manner in which you can do it where you get your point across, and your spouse and in-laws are not offended or hurt.
First, it is recommended that you have a private conversation with your spouse about the matter. Does your husband or wife even know how you are truly feeling about the living situation since you have been putting on a brave face for so long? Talk openly with your spouse about what you think your marriage needs to thrive. Some common topics you may want to discuss include privacy, space, and autonomy. That way, when you do have a discussion with your in-laws, you and your spouse have a united front. Once you both agree on what boundaries should be in place, you can have a respectful conversation with your in-laws to discuss how you will implement these guidelines.
You must be clear and sensitive when discussing boundaries. One way to do this is by using “I” statements. This can help your statement sound less confrontational or accusatory. For instance, you may say “I feel like John and I need more time alone as a couple to strengthen our bond.” This can be more effective in getting your point across rather than complaining about the situation. You can also explain the boundaries themselves a little more in the sense that the boundaries are not meant to push your in-laws away but, instead, they are there to ensure that the household remains a peaceful place. Framing the conversation in this way can help your in-laws understand where you are coming from.
Here is a list of potential boundaries you may want to set with your in-laws:
Agree on how common areas (e.g., kitchen, living room, etc.) may be used
Knock before ending your bedroom or another private space
Designate certain times where you and your spouse can have alone time together
Define who is responsible for which household tasks
Clarify who makes the childcare decisions (e.g., how to discipline, what their daily routine looks like, parenting choices, etc.)
Set limits on discussing financial matters unless you ask for the input of your in-laws
Establish guidelines or ‘visiting hours’ for when guests are welcome (e.g., you may prefer to not have guests over late on a school night)
Set clear rules for who is responsible for grocery shopping and cooking
Avoid involving your in-laws in marital disagreements
Ensure that you are making major life decisions as a couple
Here is a list of helpful tips for creating effective boundaries with your in-laws:
Discuss the boundaries with your spouse first to ensure that you are both on the same page
Introduce boundaries slowly to avoid overwhelming your in-laws
Approach conversations with patience to avoid escalating the situation or creating unnecessary tension
Use straightforward language to express your needs and expectations
Frame boundaries around your own needs by using “I” statements
Make sure your boundaries are achievable and respectful of your, your spouse’s, and your in-laws’ needs
Uphold boundaries regularly to avoid confusion
If boundaries are being crossed, gently remind your in-laws
Acknowledge and appreciate when your in-laws respect your boundaries
Remember that creating boundaries is more important than trying to control every aspect of your relationship with your in-laws. In order for your in-laws to respect your boundaries, you must respect theirs as well, demonstrating mutual respect. You may even want to be open to compromise, or revisiting and adjusting your boundaries over time. For example, one of your boundaries may have been that you want to care for your child all the time but, let us say that you are now transitioning back to work full-time, and would like the support of your in-laws regarding childcare during this life transition.
Boundaries are only effective when they are upheld. Sometimes, it takes a while for your in-laws to fully transition to respecting your boundaries. Maybe they lived with their in-laws and were used to hearing unsolicited advice and now that is what they are doing, for instance. In that case, they would be breaking a generational occurrence. In other words, it is going to take time, understanding, and patience! The change will not occur overnight.
It is actually quite normal for boundaries to be tested, especially when living in close quarters with your in-laws. But, consistency is key. If issues do arise, keep an open line of communication with your in-laws so you can discuss the challenges that are coming up before resentment has a chance to kick in. Over time, the setting and respecting of boundaries will create a more respectful setting for everyone involved.
In-Law Family Therapy in Hoboken, NJ
If you are having a hard time creating and enforcing boundaries with your in-laws, or your in-laws are not being respectful of your boundaries, you may find it helpful to meet with a family therapist at Anchor Therapy in downtown Hoboken, New Jersey.
A family counselor can provide a neutral environment, whether in-person or through online therapy, where all parties are free to express themselves without judgment. When a miscommunication occurs between family members, a family therapist can help bridge the gap and clarify misunderstandings.
Part of the communication piece involves clarifying boundaries. Therapists can help both couples and in-laws understand the importance of healthy boundaries so they are respectful and effective.
There also may be emotional triggers or patterns from past experiences that are influencing your current situation with your in-laws. Identifying and understanding these triggers can lead to more mindful interactions.
Overall, family therapy can strengthen the relationship you and your spouse have with your in-laws, increasing empathy and mutual respect. This encourages each party to better understand and support one another, leading to an improved relationship.
Here are some key components for building a healthy relationship with your in-laws:
Empathy
Support
Patience
Trust
Respect
Clear communication
Boundaries
Compromise
Independence
Gratitude
Positive interactions
Inclusivity
Mutual understanding
Conflict resolution
For further guidance, our blog “How to Survive Your In-Laws: A Guide to Family Therapy” is a must-read.
Living with in-laws can be complex, but the solution to your living arrangements does not have to be. With patience, open communication, and mutual respect, you can patch up the holes in the relationship with your in-laws to create a peaceful home environment where everyone feels comfortable. Creating and reinforcing boundaries will only strengthen and support your family life.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR HELP FROM A PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR TO ASSIST YOU IN MAKING POSITIVE CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE, CONTACT US
WORKING WITH US IS EASY
Fill out the contact form below.
Our intake coordinator will get back to you with more information on how we can help and to schedule an appointment. We will set you up with an experienced licensed therapist who specializes in what you're seeking help with and who understands your needs.
You’ll rest easy tonight knowing you made the first step to improve your life.
