When we think of grief, we normally associate it with the loss of a loved one, like a family member or close friend. However, grief can come in many forms, such as losing something that you never had. Perhaps your life did not turn out the way you imagine it would. Maybe your career did not turn out the way you imagined. Or maybe your dream partner did not turn out how you thought they would. When your dream disappears, you may experience a loss.
Grieving a life that could have been may feel strange. Does it mean that you are feeling sorry for yourself? Are you dishonoring the life you have now by doing so? While there are many complexities of grieving the loss of a life you wanted, it deserves emotional processing too. After all, it is still a considerable loss.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Can you grieve something that never existed?
You can absolutely grieve something that never existed. As human beings, we start to develop expectations about the world around us starting in childhood. We encounter so much information on a daily basis that our brains start to create rules to help us organize the information we are encountering.
As a child or teen, these rules are relatively simple and they become more complex as you age. For instance, as a young child you may realize that your home is a place you live. You eat in the dining room, cook in the kitchen, watch television with loved ones in the living room, sleep in your bedroom, and so on. You may realize that mom drives the white car in the driveway and dad drives the black pick-up truck. These schemas help us learn information and even help us process more complex data in the future.
These rules or schemas do not just relate to physical objects, like a house or car, but they can also include people, traits, roles, and additional components of our lives. Our families, communities, and the broad society we live in all attribute things to our schemas since that is where we typically pick up on our values. They help us organize what is safe from unsafe, and what is good versus evil.
Brain schema research has been conducted in the field of cognitive neuroscience. Research shows that schemas impact your memories and even how you view yourself. Schemas help us create beliefs, ranging from relatively minor things to important topics. An example of a schema you may have is that it is better to drive to work every day in your own car than take the bus. Although both modes of transportation will get you to your desired location in the end, you may have absorbed the value judgment that it is better to own a car than take a bus because you value ownership and independence.
While it may not seem like it on the surface, grief and schemas are closely connected. Remember, schemas help us attach meaning and importance to the things we desire, expect, idealize, and fear. Even before you get married to the love of your life, you attach meaning to the relationship. For more information, read our blog “Is Premarital Counseling For Me?”. When you lose a friend, you feel that pain. If you relate to this, our blog “Why Do You Experience Grief After A Friendship Breakup?” is a must-read. This is because of our expectations and ideals.
When your life is going as expected, you are not consciously thinking of your schemas even though they are playing in the background. If you are not encountering anything that does not go against your schemas, then you just simply go on living. There is nothing there to challenge or violate the value system your brain created.
For example, let us say that you came from a family that set the following expectations for you: get good grades, go to college, get your degree(s), enter a stable profession, find a life partner, get married, and have children. This is what your family members have done and you have seen this modeled by your friends as well. It is normal to you and something you expect for yourself. If everything goes according to plan, your schemas are working without you even realizing it. You start checking things off the life-long ‘to-do list’. You have lived a normal, successful life.
On the other hand, let us play out a scenario where this does not occur. Perhaps you get into your dream college and land a high-paying job after graduation in finance. You can hardly believe that all of your hard work has paid off and you pinch yourself several times a day! But, while work pays well, it leaves little time for work-life balance. This is making it hard to carve out the time in your schedule to go on dates and connect with others in a meaningful way. In other words, it is getting in the way of your goal of getting married and eventually having children. Your life is diverging from the schema you adopted of what a healthy, fulfilling life looks like. For support, read our blog “How to Manage Stress While Working in the Financial Industry.”
Although you are not married and do not have children in the present, it is what you expected of your life. You had that picture of your future life in your mind and it aligned with your values and ideals. When this occurs, you may experience nonfinite grief. Nonfinite grief is grief that persists and changes as your life falls short of the expectations you hold.
There are many ways in which you can experience this unique form of grief.
Examples of unlived grief can include the following:
Unfulfilled career aspirations
Lost romantic opportunities
Unrealized parenthood
Educational dreams
Health restrictions
Creative pursuits
Unlived adventures
Loss of potential
Missed experiences
Hometown ties (e.g., mourning a life that could have been if you remained or returned to your hometown)
Social and community roles
Can you grieve your old life?
While you can grieve a life that never was, you can also grieve your old life.
Here are some reasons why you may grieve how your life was in the past:
Loss of identity due to major life transitions
Loss of loved ones (Our blog “Grief: How to Cope with Losing A Loved One” is a must-read)
Regret and guilt
Personal growth and change
Loss of dreams and aspirations
Cultural and environmental shifts
Health and physical changes
Trauma and unresolved issues (Check out our blog “Everything You Need to Know About CBT for PTSD”)
Changes in relationships (Read our blog “How to Be Okay Not Being in a Relationship”)
In some cases, it may even be normal to grieve your old life. For example, maybe you have been in a long-term relationship with your partner, and you unexpectedly find out that they have been cheating on you. You may mourn the loss of trust, security, and happy memories that you two shared in a relationship. You may want the relationship you had in the beginning back, before the infidelity occurred. It was a positive, faithful relationship then. For support, read our blog “How to Heal After Infidelity.”
Another example could be grieving your life before you became a parent. Before becoming a parent, you likely had a lot more freedom. You could make decisions on a whim, travel when you would like to, and engage in countless social activities. With the many demands of parenthood, trying to attain that high of a level of independence again can be difficult. You may have less time to socialize with friends, attend events, and do other adult activities.
You are no longer how you used to be and that is okay. Nearly everyone experiences some amount of grief over the past. Maybe you are second-guessing saying “no” to a third date with a person. Maybe you regret dropping out of that hard course in college.
The goal of healing from grief is not to erase the past. You can accept and appreciate what happened while also accepting and appreciating the current moment for all of its beauty!
What happens if you never grieve properly?
Unresolved grief can negatively impact your emotional, physical, and mental health. First, to be able to heal from grief, you must recognize the telltale signs that you are struggling.
Here are some common signs of grief:
Relief
Loneliness (Read our blog “How to Battle the Loneliness Epidemic”)
Guilt
Anxiety (Take our Anxiety Quiz)
Depression (Take our Depression Quiz)
Sadness (Our blog “Sadness vs Depression: When to Get Help”)
Anger (Check out our blog “The Most Important Things You Need to Know About Anger Managemet”)
Numbness
Relief
Fatigue
Unexplained physical pain (Read our blog “5 Ways to Nurture Your Mind-Body Connection”)
Changes in appetite (Check out our blog “Cultivating Good Mental Health for Intuitive Eating”)
Difficulty concentrating
Preoccupation with the loss (Read “What to Expect in Grief Counseling”)
Forgetfulness
Confusion
Isolation
Crying spells
Avoidance
Changes in routines
Mood swings
Healing from grief takes time. If you do not address your emotional issues, it may lead to prolonged feelings of guilt, anger, sadness, and anxiety. If you suppress these emotions, they may manifest as emotional numbness or persistent low mood. For support, read our blog “How to Regulate Your Emotions.”
Unprocessed grief can even lead to the development of clinical depression and anxiety disorders in extreme cases. These unresolved emotions can become so deep-rooted that they feel overwhelmed and interfere with your ability to function ‘normally’ in daily life.
Also known as complicated grief, prolonged grief disorder involves an intense and persistent longing for the loss you are experiencing. It also includes an inability to accept the reality of the loss you are facing.
Our blog “Am I Experiencing Complicated and Traumatic Grief?” is a must-read if you are struggling.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for Grief
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for grieving a life that could have been is an effective therapeutic approach. At Anchor Therapy, we have grief therapists who are trained in ACT. ACT for unlived grief is particularly helpful since it focuses on accepting your thoughts and feelings without trying to alter them, and you will commit your actions to align with your values.
The first step of ACT for grief is acceptance. Your ACT therapist for grief will guide you to acknowledge and fully experience the pain you are experiencing of unfulfilled aspirations and lost opportunities instead of running away from your emotions. This acceptance will help you recognize that disappointment, sadness, and regret are all normal parts of life. It is okay to feel vulnerable. For guidance, check out our blog “3 Steps to Becoming More Vulnerable.”
Mindfulness practices are an integral part of ACT therapy so you can possess non-judgmental awareness of the present moment. By staying present, you can avoid getting stuck in thought rumination cycles about the past or anxieties about the future.
Your ACT therapist will also encourage committed action. You are to take concrete steps that are in line with your values, even if uncomfortable emotions arise. For example, even if you are going through a divorce from someone who you thought was a life partner. You may still put yourself out there in the dating world despite the hurt and perhaps even anxiety you are experiencing about the future. You are not closing yourself off from love. Read our blog “How to Cope with Dating Anxiety” if you are struggling.
The benefits of ACT therapy for grief are as follows:
Emotional acceptance
Less suffering
Better psychological flexibility
Mindfulness tactics
Clarification on your values
A commitment to meaningful action
Better coping skills
Better relationship with your thoughts and feelings
Through ACT therapy for grief, you can accept your loss while living an authentic life that aligns with your goals and values. ACT will also help you disengage from negative thoughts, staying mindful, clarify your values, and commit to meaningful actions. This approach will acknowledge the grief associated with a life that could have been while also fostering a sense of resilience within you. Even in the face of loss, you can still create a life filled with a lot of meaning!
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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