When we think of a fear of commitment, it is normally thought about in terms of relationships, especially romantic connections. However, a commitment fear can manifest in several ways, such as a fear of commitment to a certain career field, job, school, city, goal, and so on. A fear of commitment can be complex. If someone struggles with committing to a romantic partner, they may also struggle with commitment in other areas of their life.
It is natural for people to feel anxious when making major decisions, such as who to date or spend their life with, and during life transitions. For some people, the mere idea of commitment can feel like handcuffs. There is a lot of fear present which triggers an urge to avoid situations or people that would require a certain level of commitment. This could look like something as simple as not joining a gym where you need to sign-up for classes in advance, or it could look like something as major as avoiding engagement and marriage.
People with a fear of commitment may want a deep love and long-lasting relationship, but past trauma or certain behaviors get in the way. By working with a relationship coach, there are many techniques you can employ to overcome your fear of commitment!
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Defining Commitment Issues
The term ‘commitment’ can have a lot of meanings. As a child, you commit to sports and other extracurricular activities. As a teen, you commit to a college. As an adult, you commit to relationships, a career, a marriage, taking care of family members, and raising children. As you age, you have more commitments and the importance of those commitments increases as well.
Commitment comes down to dedicating yourself to something or someone for the long haul. For someone with commitment issues, they may be unable to commit to a long-term relationship. They may have no desire to take the next steps, such as moving in together or getting engaged, or they may be unable to talk about the future at all.
Commitment issues can make it hard for a relationship to grow or reach its full potential.
It is likely that you have seen commitment issues play out in books, movies, television shows, and even in real life. While it is a common trope to see, there is a distinct difference between simply not wanting commitment and being scared of it.
Society teaches many people from a young age that they should want to be in a long-term, committed relationship and, eventually, have children. But, not everyone desires the same things and that is perfectly okay. Many people create life on their own terms and sort of redefine what a committed relationship has to look like. You can think of the couple who has been together for a while and has children together but they do not view marriage as a necessity. On the other hand, you can take a married couple who decides to be child-free by choice.
If the reluctance to commit to someone or something is a pattern that you notice in your life, it may be a sign that there is something deeper going on and it may warrant further self-exploration. For instance, maybe you find that, as soon as a relationship gets too close for comfort, you call it off. This has caused you to jump from relationship to relationship.
Many people believe that a fear of commitment is solely a men’s mental health issue, but that is not true. Anyone can experience commitment anxiety. In fact, it is mostly rooted in past experiences and has little to do with one’s gender.
What is commitment fear?
After making a big decision, you may not know what life looks like after that. You go to college, and you are unsure of what the workload will be like. You relocate for a new job, and you are unsure if you will be able to meet new friends in the city as an adult. You propose to the love of your life, and you do not know what marriage will bring for you two.
A certain level of the unknown is very normal life but, for some people, this uncertainty can turn into a deep-rooted fear where they do not want to make decisions at all.
Signing paperwork to get loans for college or putting a down payment on a house are big decisions that may cause some anxiety. However, with a fear of commitment, making these decisions becomes even more difficult. As a result, you may procrastinate making them or leave it up to someone else. With therapy, you can learn to get over this fear so you can come to make decisions for yourself. For more information, check out our blog “How Mental Health Counseling Can Help Your Decision Fatigue.”
With that being said, there is a certain point where a fear of commitment can actually transform into a phobia. A phobia is a persistent, irrational type of fear. With a phobia, you may find yourself actually rearranging your life around it in an attempt to avoid it.
Phobias are a type of anxiety disorder. Experiencing your fear or even simply thinking about it can cause anxiety to spike and even possible panic attacks. For support, check out our blog “How to Manage a Panic Attack.”
Gamophobia is a common type of commitment fear. It is an intense fear of formal long-term relationships, including marriage. So, for someone with gamophobia, they may be able to commit to a certain city and job, but they cannot commit to a romantic partner.
Remember, if you are dealing with a loved one who has commitment issues, it does not automatically mean that they do not love you, appreciate you, or value you. It is likely that they are in love with you, they want to spend more time with you, and they want to get closer to you, but there are a lot of difficult emotions that come up in the process. They may have difficulty engaging with the dedication that is needed to sustain a healthy romantic relationship.
People with gamophobia may:
Have a hard time sustaining long-term relationships
Experience extreme anxiety when in a relationship
Have constant worries about a relationship ending
Feel anxiety when they see a happy couple together
Push people away
End relationships abruptly
What is the psychology of commitment fears?
A fear of commitment can normally be traced back to some sort of childhood experience or traumatic experience in your past.
Gamophobia is often a protective response of sorts. Your brain is extremely smart and its purpose is to make sure that you are safe at all times. So, if you experience a poor relationship in the past for example, your brain will signal to you that you should stay away from that so you do not get hurt again, whether that be emotionally or physically in some case scenarios.
It is estimated that 34% of millennials struggle with commitment issues because they have been hurt in their past according to a study conducted by eHarmony. If you do not open yourself up to romance, you cannot be hurt.
There are many causes of gamophobia. It is not often that a fear of commitment can be pinned down to one particular cause. Typically, several factors contribute to developing a fear of commitment. With time, you may come to understand more of your germophobic-related behaviors but getting to the root cause can take some time with the help of a relationship therapist.
One of the causes of commitment issues may be an insecure attachment style. As we age, we learn how to rely on certain people. For example, how fast or if at all you had a caregiver respond to your needs is important. If you were taught to fend for yourself as a child, you may develop an avoidant attachment style where independence is of the utmost importance and intimacy is scary.
An insecure attachment style can be created when your needs were not met as a child and/or you could not build a secure bond with your parents or caregivers. One’s ability to securely attach to someone is a great predictor of relationship success. An insecure attachment style may make you avoidant or ambivalent, turning into gamophobia. For more information, read “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
If you had a previous negative or traumatic relationship experience, you may not be so quick to put yourself in a similar situation all over again. This experience may not have involved a high level of danger, like a life-or-death situation, but it could cause emotional troubles. As long as you experience emotional pain or trauma, it can turn into a phobia.
Examples of traumatic experiences in relationships can include:
Experiencing a traumatic breakup or divorce
A partner cheating on you (For support, read “How to Heal After Infidelity”)
Your partner leaving you out of the blue
An unexpected death of a loved one
Your fiance canceling your wedding at the last minute
Following these types of experiences, you may have intrusive or negative thoughts pop up often. Check out our blog “6 Ways to Handle Intrusive Thoughts.” You may go as far as to avoid relationships and commitment altogether since it reminds you of the trauma you experienced. By practicing avoidance, your fear and anxiety about commitment only grow.
Lastly, children or teens who witnessed the separation of their parents may struggle with commitment issues, especially if their parents’ separation was messy. It is not uncommon for people who have experienced this to develop negative beliefs around marriage and commitment. From anger to heartbreak, it can be a lot to see your parents deal with such intense emotions. If the divorce or separation had a large negative impact on your life or if you were forced to be in the middle between two parents, you are more likely to develop commitment fears.
How to fix a fear of commitment
It is 100% possible to overcome your fear of commitment if you are willing to put in the work.
The first step to doing so is to develop an awareness of the thoughts and behaviors you hold around commitment.
Here are some signs that you may have commitment issues:
You never want to date someone seriously
You do not think about the future when you are in a relationship
You spend a lot of time questioning your relationship
You do not want to make plans
You do not feel emotionally attached to your partner
You feel trapped when your partner talks about your future together
You do not want to invest in your partner or the relationship
You have a hard time opening up or sharing deep thoughts
While commitment issues can be worked on in couples counseling, a fear of commitment can really be worked through in individual counseling for relationship issues. That way, the sole focus of your therapy sessions can be getting to the root cause of your fear of commitment and learning healthy ways to overcome this phobia.
A relationship coach will help you uncover the cause of your commitment issues. Was it your parents’ divorce? What is the ex-partner who cheated on you? Is it the insecure attachment style you developed in childhood and adolescence?
Your fear of commitment may also lead to serious mental health disorders, such as depression, loneliness, and additional concerns. If you are in a relationship, you may also be experiencing relationship anxiety, stress, and other conditions. A licensed therapist can help support you through all of this.
Relationship counseling can even help you improve upon your communication skills. That way, you can better communicate your fear of commitment to your partner or other loved ones.
Sometimes, it is enough to attend therapy and put a name to the fear you are feeling. The best thing to do in any relationship is to be upfront with the other person about your fears. You do not want to intentionally mislead them into thinking a long-term relationship is possible if you do not believe you can truly commit.
Commitment is something that can be practiced, whether on your own (e.g., making a work commitment) or with a partner (e.g., deciding to get married). A relationship therapist can help you get to the point where you feel strong enough to try commitment out and learn ways to get better at it.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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