While we all may try our hardest, it is human nature to compare ourselves to other people from time-to-time. You see a man in the gym and wish you had his muscles. You pass a particularly stylish woman in the street and yearn for her wardrobe. You scroll endlessly on social media and envy the lives of online influencers, longing for their money and the freedom to pick up and travel to wherever you wish.
The tendency to compare yourself to other people is a subconscious behavior, but it is one that is important to keep in check, especially if you find yourself comparing yourself to many people on a daily basis. While this type of social comparison may inspire you to be better, it could also lead to negative thoughts.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Why do I compare myself to other people on a regular basis?
At our core, human beings are social creatures. We thrive off of interactions with others, whether it is befriending co-workers and building close family connections. Social comparison has existed throughout human history but, in today’s world, it seems like this type of analogizing is amplified.
When scrolling on social media platforms, like Instagram and TikTok, you may feel like you are bombarded by things that you like. Or maybe, things that you think you lack. Oftentimes, these apps can trick you into a comparison loop where you are constantly questioning who you are and several aspects of your life.
When thinking about comparison in the context of social media, you can sometimes forget that social media is a highlight reel of people’s lives. Normally, people are not broadcasting their struggles and flaws on social media as it is usually the other way around where the vast majority of people celebrate their best moments.
There are three types of comparisons that people make:
Upward comparison - Comparing yourself to someone who you view as better than you which leaves you feeling like you are not good enough
Downward comparison - Comparing yourself to someone who you view as worse than you which leaves you feel superior
Lateral comparisons - Comparing yourself to a past version of yourself or to other people you view as your equal to ensure that you are fitting into your social group
From an evolutionary and biological perspective, lateral comparisons make sense. After all, we used to depend on our “pack” for survival. It was quite literally a life or death situation. In modern times, we are not living in the wild where we are using our primal instincts, but comparing yourself can feel as necessary as ever.
Comparing yourself to another person is not a totally bad thing. In some cases, it may motivate you to be a better version of yourself. But even with this positive aspect of social comparison, is it important to get to your why. Are you in the gym and eating well-balanced meals because you want to look like the model you see on the cover of the magazine? Or are you doing it because you deserve to be healthy and feel good?
More often than not, comparisons can become toxic. In a world of over-sharing, you may find that your thoughts and overall life are not your own anymore. You may be trying really hard to live someone else’s life instead of constructing your own. If you are struggling with this, check out our blog “6 Ways To Handle Intrusive Thoughts.”
Is comparing myself to other people bad for my mental health?
Social comparison is inherently not a negative thing contrary to popular belief- it just depends on you, your personality, and your mental health status. If you are someone who is already struggling with low self-confidence, spending hours on end scouring the Internet for photos of picture-perfect celebrities will likely not help you and will only worsen your confidence. If you are struggling with low self-confidence, our blog “The Ultimate Guide to Building Self-Confidence” is a must-read.
Here are some positive effects of social comparison:
Learning and Development - When you compare yourself to other people, you may learn more about yourself. By observing the strengths of other people, it may encourage you to enhance those aspects of your life.
Building empathy - When you understand other people’s growth and obstacles, you can hone in on your empathy skills. It helps you understand different perspectives while gaining a sense of compassion.
Celebrating differences - Comparing yourself to other people can allow you to see your uniqueness. Embracing and celebrating these differences can boost your self-confidence and self-esteem.
Setting realistic goals - Believe it or not, comparing yourself to other people can actually allow you to set realistic goals for yourself. You can see where you stand in relation to other people which allows you to set meaningful aspirations. For example, let us say that someone on TikTok is documenting their journey in anger management counseling and anger is a feeling you struggle with as well. By watching this person online, you may be able to see that therapy for anger takes months, not just a matter of days until you learn the correct anger management tools that work for you.
Motivation and inspiration - As discussed before, gaining motivation and/or inspiration from other people is a big benefit of social comparison. Healthy comparisons can motivate you to enhance your skills and develop new traits. Witnessing another person’s success can motivate you to set goals and achieve them through hard work and discipline.
Not everyone will experience these positive effects. It truly depends on if you have a healthy and constructive approach to social comparison. If your comparisons are driven by jealousy or a negative perception of yourself, it will not benefit your mental health. In fact, if that is your approach, your emotional and mental health will suffer.
Generally speaking, you should aim to focus on self-improvement and personal growth instead of comparing yourself to other people. Striving for balance is key where you can use other people as a source of motivation while celebrating the uniqueness of you and your own self-improvement journey. If you want to learn more about self-improvement, read our blog “4 Ways to Celebrate Self-Improvement Month.”
Inevitably, constant self-comparison can have harmful effects on your mental health.
Social comparison can have the following negative impact on your self-development:
Jealousy and envy:
When you compare yourself to someone else in an unhealthy manner, feelings of jealousy and envy can occur. While you may want to be happy for another person’s success, you may feel resentful which can impact your relationships and overall emotional health.
Low self-esteem:
Constantly comparing yourself to other people can make you feel like you are not good enough. If you view other people as being more successful than you, it can make you less confident. For more insight, read “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”.
Unrealistic expectations:
Comparing yourself to other people may make you have unrealistic expectations for yourself. For example, let us say that you are following stay-at-home mom influencers on social media and you begin to question your life as a working mom. You may want to do all of these fun activities with your kids or teens during the weekday, but it feels impossible between school, drop-offs, extracurricular activities, and the demanding responsibilities of your job. This does not mean that you are a bad mother. It just means that your life looks a little different. If you find yourself struggling with this, check out our blogs “How Therapy Can Alleviate Mom Guilt” and “Your Guide to Self-Care as a Parent.” Everybody’s journey is unique.
Loss of focus on personal goals:
Excessive comparison makes you shift your focus away from your personal life and development to the lives of other people. Becoming preoccupied with other peoples’ successes and journeys minimizes you.
Anxiety and stress:
Comparison leads to anxiety, especially if you feel compelled to follow the standards set by another person. The stress that results from this can wreak havoc on your emotional and mental health.
Your mindset should be one that focuses on self-compassion and self-acceptance. Cultivating a positive inner-dialogue that is rooted in reality can help prevent the negative effects of social comparison. For more information on this topic, check out our past blog “Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Negative Self-Talk.”
How can I stop comparing myself to other people?
If you are trying to stop the habit of comparing yourself to others, first find grace with yourself. You are not a perfect person and social comparison has become increasingly easy in today’s age and time due to the social media world.
Your primary focus should be on self-improvement and enhancing your confidence levels. Trying to steer clear of negative comparisons is one way to step away from the comparison trap. Embracing kindness and positivity is difficult in the moment but it will pay off in the long-run.
Here are some ways you can avoid social comparison:
Go offline:
It may be time for a digital detox. The outside world can remind you that there is more to life than how many followers you have, the size of your waistline, or how much money is in your bank account. According to the Newport Institute, social media is beneficial when used intermittently instead of consistently. When you are using social media, it is important to make sure that you are following accounts and people that make you feel good instead of ones that make you question your character and goals. You can also set time limits on your phone which will prevent you from going on the given social media app excessively. When you are focusing on yourself and not an online personality, you will begin to feel better. Read our blog “Do I Have A Social Media Addiction?” for more guidance.
Get rid of the toxic relationships in your life:
Loved ones have the ability to make you feel both good and bad about yourself. Toxic relationships can seriously mess with your self-esteem in a negative way. Avoiding friends and family who are negative towards you or to other people has its benefits. Read “How To Tell If You’re In A Toxic Relationship” for help.
Improve your healthy habits:
Prioritizing moving your body, eating well-balanced meals, and practicing self-care are great for both your physical and mental health. Taking care of your body and mind is an act of love which will counteract negative comparisons. Check out our blog “The 8 Forms of Self-Care and How You Can Practice Them.”
Work with a therapist for self-confidence:
A self-confidence therapist at Anchor Therapy can help you feel like your best self again. Self-confidence plays a big role in your tendency to compare yourself to other people. A confidence counselor can help you achieve positive self-perception, focus on your personal growth, embrace your uniqueness, and set realistic standards. We offer in-person sessions in Hoboken, New Jersey and virtual therapy sessions to all residents of New Jersey, including Bergen County; Jersey City; and Montclair. We also offer online therapy to residents of New York and Florida.
The only person you should be comparing yourself to is other versions of yourself. Remember that you are in control and no one can make you feel bad about yourself except for you. Instead of focusing on other people, shift your attention to your own personal development and healing journey. From there, you will start being kinder to yourself and even more resilient.
Stopping social comparison is an ongoing practice but with lifestyle adjustments and by working with a self-confidence therapist, you can be successful! It will offer you relief from the comparison game going on in your head constantly. When you experience uncomfortable emotions, look inward and try to reflect on where they are coming from. Breaking free from comparison is a journey that you can tackle. There will be bumps in the road but rest assured that you can overcome them. Not giving attention to your mental chatter of social comparison allows you to get back to the present moment to focus on you.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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