A stepfamily forms when one or two adults in a new romantic relationship have children from a previous relationship. On the outside, you may look like a normal, traditional family but, on the inside, there are complex dynamics which can make parenting look a little different than usual.
If you are working to strengthen the bond of connection between a parent or step-parent, you have to understand the differences between stepfamilies versus first-time families. Your previous marriage or relationship with your child’s other parent may have ended in divorce or be the result of a major, traumatic life transition, like the death of a loved one. There also may be changes in your new relationship dynamic. For example, you may have previously been in a heterosexual relationship and, now, you may be in a homosexual relationship.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
How are stepfamilies different from first-time families?
In a stepfamily unit, your child may start to label certain members of the family as “outsiders” or “insiders.” For example, if you are a single-mom coming to the relationship with a pre-teen son and infant daughter. Your son may view you and his sister as the “insiders” of the family. On the other hand, he may view your new boyfriend as a family outsider.
As a stepfamily, it can be difficult to make decisions. Previously, decision-making power lied in the adult couple; however, you may now find that agreements about daily issues lie within the adult-child dynamic.
Especially if you have a single-parent unit, you and your child may feel like a team by yourselves. When a new person enters your dynamic, such as a romantic partner, your child may be uncomfortable with the change of your relationship.
As the stepparent feels like an outsider, there may be a complex range of emotions that ensue. A stepparent may feel powerless, invisible, and even rejected from their new family. Biological parents feel stuck in the middle- being closely connected to their new partner, their ex-partner, and their child. It is not uncommon for a biological parent, or “insider” parent, to feel conflicted and anxious about trying to keep everyone content.
It is important to remember that it is not just biological parents or stepparents who are stuck in these “insider” and “outsider” positions. Children can also occupy these positions.
For instance, a child may have weekend visits scheduled with their father. Since separating from the child’s mother, the father has remarried and had two more children with his new wife. When his child from the previous relationship visits on the weekend, this child occupies the “outsider” position.
The reality of blending families
In a magic world, families would be able to blend together right away, but that is unfortunately not the reality of the situation. Generally, stepparents want their children to love them, but it is a gradual process that requires time, patience, and empathy. When you try to force a relationship, the opposite will happen.
According to the Chicago Tribune, it can take up to 10 years to successfully blend a family together. Depending on the stepparent and child, it may take less time or the full 10 years. For couples, it can take two years to be able to begin to function as a unit. It is understandable that you may want your child and new stepparent to get along, but it is unrealistic to push a timely deadline.
Check out our blog “What You Didn’t Know About Blending Families” for more information.
The role of conflicting loyalties
As a parent with a child, it may be exciting when you find a romantic partner that you can, not only get along with, but who also is accepting of you having a child from a previous relationship. While it may be a happy time for you, your child may not feel the same way and that is understandable.
The changes to your relationship with your child may look subtle but they are very noticeable to your child. For example, instead of watching your favorite television show with your child before bed, you now spend that quality time with your new boyfriend. Maybe your child’s favorite snack is peanut butter with fruit, but now you cannot buy it anymore since your new girlfriend is allergic.
Stepparents also can create a loyalty conflict for your child, especially if you do not like your ex-partner’s new significant other. If your child or teen starts to build feelings for their new stepparent, they may think that they are being disloyal to their biological parent. When you argue with your ex-partner in front of your child about their new partner, it can make the situation even worse for your child.
The key to building a healthy step family is to reestablish consistent time with both your partner and your child. As a couple, it is necessary to spend quality time with your partner, as well as quality time alone with your child. Then, it is important to marry this together, having everyone spend time together as a new family. When your child feels comfortable, it will also be important for them to bond with their stepparent on their own.
Parents with children come into a stepfamily already bonded, but it can be hard to know when your child is ready to bond with their stepparent on their own. Sole bonding between a child and stepparent will require open and honest communication so the child can voice to you when they are ready to take the next step in this family dynamic.
If a child is looking to bond with their stepparent, they may want to engage in “shoulder-to-shoulder” activities.
Some examples of “shoulder-to-shoulder” activities include:
Taking the family dog for a walk
Going fishing together
Riding your bikes together
Going to a sporting event
Going ice skating
Exploring a nature trail
Watching a sporting event on television together
Playing a game together
Stepparents are not parents
The biological parent must remain in charge until a child feels comfortable with their stepparent. Additionally, biological parents must help step parents come into their role. A stepparent may be able to offer input into a certain situation but, ultimately, it is the biological parent who has the final say.
Stepparents can try to build a closer bond to their stepchild by showing interest in their daily life. For example, a stepparent may ask a stepchild, “How did you do on your Spanish test?”. If a stepparent thinks that a stepchild is not doing their homework, they may report that concern to the biological parent instead of taking an authoritative figure with the stepchild right away.
When a biological parent is not around, stepparents can take the place of an authority figure, but this direction must come from the biological parent. For example, while the biological present is out for the night, the father may say “While I am away, Jessica will be in charge.” Then, a stepparent can enforce household rules.
A stepparent may also want to have a heart-to-heart talk with their stepchild which may be appropriate. For example, a stepdad may say “I will never take the place of your father. You have such a big heart and I hope you will find space for me there along with your dad. Even then, it will be different from your connection with your dad, and I understand and respect that.”
As mentioned previously, it is important to try not to force love between a stepparent and stepchild. With that being said, respect and civility is something that should be expected. Your child should know that they have to be respectful to their stepparent, just as they would be with a stranger.
For more information, check out our blog “4 Tips on How to Build Close Relationships within the Immediate Family.”
The “other” household
Part of having two separate households and having stepparents is experiencing the “other” household. If your child splits custody with you and your ex-partner, they will have the “other” household experience towards whatever house they are not at, at the moment.
On the other hand, if one parent has primary custody, they will likely have that “other” feeling towards the parent they see less often. It is important to try to decrease conflict as much as possible in the “other” household if you are the primary caregiver. This gives your child a sense of stability and calmness.
Drop-offs and pick-ups can be peaceful and you can handle potential disagreements in a peaceful manner. For example, if your child eats sugary cereal for breakfast at their father’s house, you, as the mother, may not approve of that. Instead you may tell your child “You can have that for breakfast at your father’s house, but we have eggs and fruit for breakfast here.”
If you have a problem with your ex-partner that needs to be addressed, you should address it with them directly. Your child should not be in the middle of these arguments. Even in a difficult divorce or separation, it is important to keep your child’s schedule as structured as possible so you do not disrupt their routine.
How can family therapy help me?
Working with a family therapist who has experience with stepfamily dynamics is the first step in making sure that you and your new family are on the right track. A family counselor can help you cope with the challenges of stepfamily living. A skilled therapist can even help ex-partners navigate these life transitions.
A family therapist at Anchor Therapy in New Jersey can:
Establish open communication
Give each family member an understanding of rules and expectations
Help construct and set boundaries
Cope with transitions
Offer co-parenting strategies
Address loyalty conflicts
Manage discipline issues
Encourage empathy
Family therapy offers you a space where all members of the family are heard and can actively share their viewpoints. In family counseling sessions, both biological parents and stepparents can be present.
Read our blog “How to Decide If Family Counseling is the Right Fit for You” for some guidance.
If you find that your child behavior begins to decline as you are adjusting to your new family dynamic, there are a few things you can try. You can try to spend more one-on-one quality time with your child and have the stepparent slowly back out of their authoritative role. This does not mean that the steparent is not present, just that they are not ‘playing parent.’ This will also help ease loyalty conflicts temporarily.
If these changes do not help, a child therapist is always there to assist you and your family. When a child is caught up in family loyalties, working with a neutral party, like a therapist, may be exactly what your child is looking for.
At Anchor Therapy, our child therapists specialize in play and art therapy so we can ensure that we are ‘speaking your child’s language.’ Art and play therapy can assist in the emotional and cognitive development of your child.
Here are some benefits of art therapy and play therapy:
Emotional expression
Communication skills
Social skills development
Self-esteem building
Stress reduction
Trauma processing
If you are interested in learning more about art therapy, read our blog “Is Art Therapy Actually Effective?”.
If you are interested in learning more about play therapy, read our blog “5 Different Types of Play Therapy and How They Can Help Your Child.”
Change is hard for everyone, especially a child. When a stepparent enters their life, they may be resistant and that is understandable. Remind your child that they are coping with a major life transition. Because of this, their behavior may be unpredictable or less pleasant than it was prior to the separation or divorce.
It can take some trial-and-error to figure out what works for you and your family, including your new blended family. It is important to have open and clear communication with your child so you, as the parent, can express your expectations with them as well as being able to talk about each other’s feelings no matter how difficult it is.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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