Emotionally-focused therapy, often simply referred to as EFT, is a type of short-term therapy. This form of therapy focuses on couples, resparking a pair’s physical and emotional bond. EFT is a well-known therapeutic method that takes a humanistic approach. This psychotherapy approach was birthed in the 1980s and draws heavily on adult attachment theory.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, Florida, North Carolina, and Utah.
What exactly is EFT?
EFT helps couples with relationship problems. The basis of this type of therapy is that human emotions are linked to human needs. In EFT, feelings are activated and processed which encourages clients to alter problematic emotional states to enhance the overall quality of their relationships.
EFT is heavily influenced by attachment theory. With that being said, this form of therapy believes that changes in a dysfunctional relationship can be made when the security of a partner is analyzed and worked on. Working on one’s security level is an important personality aspect to work on for the growth of the individual and the couple.
When emotional ties are restored in a relationship, partners can open up to one another emotionally, physically, and psychologically. It also improves responsiveness, allowing you and your partner to build a mutually supportive and satisfying relationship for the present and future.
In this form of therapy, EFT believes that emotions are organizing facets of our lives instead of mere accessories that come along with being a human. In EFT therapy, you will learn to examine your personal emotions and emotional responses to better understand them.
What role does attachment theory play in EFT therapy?
Attachment theory is the concept that people get healthier through emotional contact and need to feel safe in their connection to other people. This guides EFT therapy. EFT is rooted in the belief that distress in close connections is created from a fear of abandonment. These fears can be harmful to one’s partner and put a general strain on the relationship.
The key principle in conflict in relationships is the insecurity in one’s attachment to their partner. Insecurity in relationships can occur in several forms.
If you are insecure in your attachment to your partner, you may be asking yourself one or more of the following questions:
Does my partner really love me?
Is my partner committed to our relationship or are they lying?
Am I important to my partner?
Can I trust my partner?
EFT can help you or your partner address attachment-related issues. When these problems are uncovered, processed, and improved on, you can learn to engage with your partner in a manner that is more loving and emotionally-connected. This results in a more secure attachment to your partner.
In EFT couples therapy, you will better understand yourself. You will not only learn to understand your emotions, but you will also be taught how patterns of emotional reactions continue and impact your relationship.
What are the four attachment styles?
Different people have different attachment styles. An attachment style is a specific pattern of behavior in relationships. There are four attachment styles.
The four attachment styles are as follows:
Secure attachment
Anxious attachment
Avoidant attachment
Fearful attachment
Attachment styles include the way we…
Respond emotionally to other people
How we behave when it comes to relationships
How we interact with our partner when we are in a relationship
If you are interested in learning more about the four attachment styles, check out our blog “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
Who is EFT used for?
Emotion-focused therapy is often discussed in the context of couples; however, that is not the only way that EFT is used. EFT therapy is also used for individuals and families.
Emotionally-focused couples therapy, also known as EFCT, is used for many cultural groups and both traditional and non-traditional couples, including LGBTQIA+ couples and polyamorous communities.
Goals for EFT for couples:
Grow and re-organize your emotional processes
Create a positive shift in patterns with your partner
Foster a secure bond with your partner
EFT therapy can benefit couples who are struggling in their communication and general relationship conflict. EFT is known especially to help couples healing after infidelity, both in the past and more recently. If you are looking to heal your relationship after infidelity, read our blog: “4 Ways To Repair A Relationship After Infidelity.”
When it comes to individuals, this approach can help you to improve problems relating to your emotions.
Goals for EFT therapy for individuals:
Offer experiences that positively impact the self
Offer transformational moments where vulnerability is required
Enable clients to become more in touch with their emotions, including have a secure attachment to other people
Enable clients to have a coherent sense of self regardless of external life circumstances
With families, EFT can help family members create more secure bonds with one another.
Goals for EFT for families:
Expand awareness of family members’ feelings and negative action patterns
Reframe family distress and childhood trauma
Promote awareness of caregiving intentions and attachment-related needs
Facilitate the sharing of unmet attachment-related needs and monitor responses
EFT can help treat specific conditions as well including:
What techniques are used in EFT therapy?
EFT therapy has set treatment steps. In your initial EFT sessions, your EFT therapist will assess interaction styles and aid to de-escalate conflict. The middle part of your treatment helps you and your partner work together to find an effective way to build a stronger bond. In the final phase, changes are enacted.
The 3 stages of EFT are outlined below:
Cycle One: De-Escalation
Identify the primary issue of concern
Pinpoint negative interaction patterns that occur when the problem is brought into question
Your EFT therapist helps uncover previously unacknowledged fears and negative emotions (which is related to attachment issues and negative interaction patterns)
Your EFT counselor reframes the primary issue of concern, both you and your partner’s underlying emotions and attachment styles, and negative interaction patterns
2. Cycle Two: Altering Interaction Patterns
Both you and your partner voice your attachment needs and express your deep emotions
Partners are taught how to showcase acceptance and compassion for their partner’s attachment needs and emotions
Partners are taught how to express their own attachment needs and deep emotions while learning to openly discuss issues that may cause conflict at the same time
3. Cycle Two: Integration
Your EFT couples therapist will teach you and your partner how to use new communication techniques to discuss old issues of contention to develop new solutions
You and your partner learn to use the skills you both learned in couples therapy to make an action plan and alter your existing interaction patterns that were harmful to your relationship
An example of EFT couples therapy in action
For example, let us say that a married heterosexual couple is looking to attend EFT couples counseling. The husband and wife duo find that they constantly get into arguments relating to finances.
In EFT therapy, the couple will learn to showcase their deeper feelings which are underlined by existing issues and general relationship themes, like a lack of trust. After some sessions, it is revealed that the wife has underlying issues regarding a scarcity mindset with money due to childhood trauma. Read the following blogs for more information: “How To Heal Childhood Trauma As An Adult” and “How Childhood Trauma Can Impact You As An Adult.”
The husband may also reveal deeper issues, such as alcohol addiction, that previously impacted their finances. If a loved one is struggling with substance abuse, check out our blog: “5 Ways To Help Someone Battling Alcohol Addiction.”
When couples identify and openly discuss their deepest feelings with compassion, it allows them to come closer together. Once the EFT stages have been completed, couples can independently identify their attachment issues and express their emotions. The EFT therapeutic process can be deemed complete when you and your partner reliably engage in changed interaction patterns that you both learned in therapy.
Is emotionally focused therapy effective?
Absolutely! EFT therapy has been studied extensively and its effectiveness has been proved time and time again. In couples particularly, EFT couples counseling has been shown to make noticeable differences in how partners relate to one another which enhances their overall satisfaction and the relationship’s long-term success. EFT counseling reduces relationship distress while encouraging partners to engage with each other in more meaningful ways. The positive effects of EFT therapy last for years after the actual therapy sessions.
In EFT counseling, the atmosphere is calm, collaborative, and respectful of all parties involved. Instead of blaming the individual or one specific family member or partner, EFT examines the problems and negative patterns on their own merit.
In terms of couples counseling, EFT treatment for couples is one of the most effective therapeutic approaches out there. No matter whether you are looking to meet with an EFT counselor for individual work, family counseling, or couples therapy, EFT therapy can help you build stronger bonds with the people around you and can help you construct better relationships. EFT can improve all of your interactions and reduce your stress. If you need help managing your stress, check out our blog: “Everything You Need To Know About Stress Management Therapy.”
What are the benefits of EFT?
Couples, families, and individuals can gain many benefits from EFT.
Some benefits of EFT counseling include:
Stronger bonds - Since EFT is based on attachment theory, it gets to the root of the issue to generate a stronger bond with the people around you. Attachments between people often provide a safe haven where you are receiving safety and comfort, and reducing your stress levels.
Enhanced emotional functioning - EFT shows couples, families, and individuals what healthy dependency looks like while examining key components that define an adult romantic relationship. In EFT therapy, you will re-organize your emotional response.
Improved interpersonal comprehension - EFT encourages you to become more aware of your partner’s needs. Due to this awareness, you can listen to and discuss your issues from a place of compassion instead of out of anger.
EFT helps to uncover automatic thoughts that are not productive to your relationship’s overall success.
What should I consider before starting EFT?
Since EFT counseling deals with exploring complex negative emotions and patterns, it can be intense and, at times, emotionally draining. The therapy process itself can lead to difficult or strong emotions.
Especially in a family group therapy session, it is important that each family member participate in the therapeutic process. EFT will not be as effective if one or more parties refuse to participate or open up emotionally in therapy sessions.
If someone has an insecure attachment style, the slightest perception of separation or distance in a close relationship can be seen as a red flag or a sign of danger. When you lose a connection to your loved one, your sense of security is threatened.
Due to this, some people go into a self-preservation mode. This can include reverting back to past behaviors, such as adopting childhood behaviors you once used to cope or “survive” in a challenging home situation. This is why some people may get triggered as adults in romantic relationships to repeat unhealthy behaviors they once learned during their formative years as a child or teen.
The process of EFT therapy can be hard at times, but it is undoubtedly worth it. The goals of EFT can help you change negative behavior patterns and replace them with helpful action cycles.
How do I get started with EFT counseling?
If you are looking to get started with EFT therapy, do not hesitate to reach out to us today! At Anchor Therapy, we have counselors who specialize in EFT for individuals, couples, and families.
Your EFT therapist will take an active role in guiding difficult conversations. EFT focuses on addressing emotions no matter how uncomfortable it may be. This therapeutic approach also examines interactions within the therapy sessions.
EFT counselors approach therapy with a sense of empathy, helping everyone recognize that their emotions are valid. They will also help you recognize behaviors and patterns that you may not even be aware of. Once this is completed, your EFT therapist will show you how this impacts your actions which can contribute to problems in your relationships.
Overall, EFT is a wonderful therapy form for individuals, couples, and families. The baseline of EFT counseling deals with attachment theory which regards personal security in connection to a relationship. EFT is a short-term therapy that can improve all of the relationships in your life by encouraging and teaching you how to become more understanding of your emotions and how they impact your actions.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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