Blended families can face many bumps in the road. Perhaps your family unit is dealing with a particularly challenging sibling rivalry or you are working to build a strong relationship with your step-children. Luckily, when you plan ahead and get the proper support you and your family needs, you can make sure that the transition goes more smoothly. Helpful family management strategies, including setting house rules and opening all lines of communication, are some ways to construct a warm and welcoming family.
In some cases, it may feel like you are doing everything right but you and your family are still struggling. Please know that this is completely okay. Building your family is a major life transition and struggles are bound to arrive, but you deal with them can determine your success. You may feel like family counseling is the best next step for your family. If you need additional help navigating this major change in your life, check out our blog: “The Best Ways To Cope With Life Transitions.”
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, Florida, North Carolina, and Utah.
What is a blended family?
A blended family is when two people with children from previous relationships come together to form a new family unit. Blended families are also referred to as mixed families.
Blended families are complex and can include several new relationship dynamics, such as:
Step-parent
Step-children
Step-siblings
Half siblings
For some families, becoming blended may happen very naturally and easily. For other families, you may find that you are struggling with these new dynamics and roles. Over time, you and your family can achieve increased closeness and understanding by practicing patience and openly communicating with one another.
What are some common issues members of blended families face?
Each family is different so the challenges you will face are unique. With that being said, when it comes to establishing a relationship with a step-parent or step-child, there are some common challenges.
Some common issues faced by step-parents:
Balancing your time and attention between your biological children and your step-children
Coping with your new family demands and duties
Developing a strong relationship with your step-children
Adjusting to a new job or home environment (If you are struggling with the moving process, check out our blog: “How To Cope With Moving Stress”)
Finding time for your partner
Learning how to parent with your partner
Managing unique family conflicts, such as a sibling rivalry
Some common issues faced by step-children:
Adjusting to a new home environment and/or school
Disruptions in your typical daily routine
Balancing your time between two households
Accepting and trying to build a relationship with your new step-parent
Balancing your time and attention between your biological parent and your step-parent
Feeling competitive with or jealous of your siblings
Having a hard time coping with the family changes and expressing your emotions about it (If you need help with helping your child with this, read our blog: “3 Ways To Help Your Child Express and Manage Their Emotions”)
By reading through these lists, you have probably noticed that there are many similarities between the issues faced by step-parents and the issues faced by step-children. For instance, while you may have a difficult time adjusting to a new job, your step-teen may have a hard time adjusting to a new school. This alone could be a great bonding opportunity to connect with your step-child. You can express how you are feeling about all of the changes. This may even spark your teen to confide in you about their stressors and anxiety regarding the change.
It is also not uncommon to go through several stages as you and your blended family become closer since the “blending” is a process.
What are the stages of blending a family?
Generally, there are some main stages of family blending. There are three early stages, two middle stages, and two later stages.
The three early stages are as follows…
Early stage - During this time period, the family stays divided according to their biological sides. Some agreement on rules and rituals occurs alongside easy connection.
Fantasy stage
During this stage, the adults in the family unit are trying to heal any pain the children may have experienced, perhaps by divorce (For additional support, read our blog: “Everything You Need To Know About Divorce Counseling”) or death. If you or your child is struggling with grief, check out our blog: “What To Expect In Grief Counseling.”
Since you and your partner adore each other, you may automatically expect that your children and step-children will get along as well. In some cases, if you were a formerly single parent, you may imagine how much easier your partner will make your life as you two parent together. In many cases, especially amongst young children, there may be a desire to have their biological parents back together again.
2. Immersion stage
All members of the stepfamily are faced with their new reality. As a step-parent, you may run into several issues, including negative emotions of jealousy and confusion as your spouse and step-children subtly exclude you from certain activities. It may be easy to place the blame on you or feel like something is wrong since you are not being included; however, that is not always the case. If you have consistent feelings like this, it may be helpful to seek out the professional assistance of a life transitions counselor who can assist you in managing and expressing your emotions.
3. Awareness stage
As the painful stages have endured, you and your family begin characterizing your emotions. Step-parents can gain the understanding that there is nothing wrong with them and, instead, there is a certain biological parent-child bond. The parents begin to let go of their dream of an instant family tree since they start to recognize the developmental task at hand.
These developmental tasks include crucial things like:
Accepting the confusion of starting and forming a blended family
Identify and express the different experiences each member of the family is experiencing
Letting go of fantasies since building a blended family is a step-by-step process
The two middle stages are as follows…
4. Mobilization stage
The family, especially the couple, openly communicates the differences of the family members. There may be some arguments and, on the surface, the quarrels may seem trivial; however, there is a deeper meaning to it.
For instance, maybe you prefer to drink oat milk but, when your spouse goes to the grocery store, they only pick up almond milk for their children. While it may seem meaningless to argue over such a thing, you feel like your spouse is not allowing you to be yourself or make choices in your relationship.
This can lead to a path of counting the changes occurring in your life. For example, if this happens often, you may regard it as a series of losses where your voice is not being heard. If this is the case for you, additional changes will have to be made in your relationship and the family unit as a whole so no one feels neglected.
5. Action stage
Everyone in the family will start to negotiate so it can be decided how the family will function. The new actions that occur as a result of these decisions are implemented which creates a new family structure and helps establish boundaries. The family can begin to function as a whole.
The two later stages are as follows…
6. Contact stage
This stage is what the couple was dreaming of since the beginning. This is where new areas of agreement come together, and the family can start to function easily. At this point, the marital relationship also becomes a source of support.
7. Resolution stage
The resolution stage is where step-parents and step-children begin to build close relationships. After the structural changes have occurred, the step-parent can step into their clearly-defined role.
There are solid and reliable family dynamics at this stage. Not only have norms been established, but there is history amongst all family members. While some children may feel closer to a step-parent than others, everyone in the family can agree on this and work towards more closeness. Additionally, stressful times (e.g., custody changes, paying for college tuition, etc.) periods no longer threaten the couple or the relationship between the step-parent and step-children.
How long does this process take?
Typically, blended families can complete the entire cycle in seven years. Again, please remember that each family dynamic is different! Some faster families can complete the phases in four years while it takes slower families as long as twelve years. It is not a race, but a journey. You cannot rush comfortability and trying to apply pressure on your children or partner to do so will likely trigger resentment and cause further issues down the line. Everyone moves at their own pace and that is completely okay.
What are some tips to enhance the quality of my family unit?
Every family member plays an important role in blending the families. Here are some tips that can assist you and your family along the way…
Transition slowly
There is no rush. When you are trying to blend a family, there are several major changes occurring. Not only do the children find this overwhelming, but the parents can find it stressful as well. If you need help with managing your stress, check out our blog: “Everything You Need To Know About Stress Management Therapy.”
If possible, try to ease into the changes instead of turning your world upside down overnight. Even if the changes are positive, too much change at once can be a shock to the system, especially for young children.
For example, let us say that each Saturday you bring your child to your town’s park; however, you are now moving to a different city nearby. It may be a good idea to continue to bring your child to the park they grew up going to on Saturdays for a little bit after you move. Eventually, you can wean off of this. Perhaps you continue to bring your child to their old park on Saturdays; however, now on Sundays, you introduce them to a new park in their new town. Eventually, you will be able to just bring them to the new park and it will have been a gradual change for your child, making it easier for them to adjust and socialize with new children.
2. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page
Taking the next step in your relationship by getting engaged or moving in together (Read our blog: “How To Know If It’s The Right Time To Move In With Your Partner”) is a huge step. Introducing your child to your partner is special, and you want to make sure you are making the right move. Talk to your partner and discuss how you both approach parenting. You may discover how you both have different parenting styles.
Having different parenting styles is normal, and is no cause for concern. It is all about finding a way to combine the two distinct parenting styles to create a home that is both loving yet structured. If you find yourself struggling with this or other issues in your relationship, seeking the help of a licensed marriage and family therapist, also known as a LMFT, can be helpful.
3. Seek the help of a family therapist
Marriage and family therapy can be extremely beneficial to your relationship and the overall family unit. Each member of the blended family must discern their new roles, and this can be a challenging task to undertake. Boundaries must be set, and family counseling is a great way to sort out communication and address problem areas.
At Anchor Therapy, a family therapist gives each family member a voice so they can openly express how they are feeling. In family counseling, the family attends most sessions as a group. The family therapist may also plan individual sessions so they can gain more insight into each member and how they function in the whole. One or both parents may also meet with the family therapist in a one-on-one setting.
Many blended families find that there are several benefits to attending family counseling together. Simply put, family therapy helps to ease understandable tensions that occur due to so many major life changes. It prevents resentment from building up while naturally allowing a sense of mutual respect to form.
Read our blog, “How To Decide If Family Counseling Is The Right Fit For You”, for more guidance.
Overall, family therapy is a great way to help assimilate family members. It gives each family member a platform for communication, and easily allows for respect and boundaries to be formed. Blending families is not easy as there are many phases involved; however, it is a worthwhile task to build your dream life and relationship. Remember that each family moves at a different pace, and comfortability and true connection cannot be rushed!
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. As a Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy, Victoria is committed to producing content for and managing the office’s social media presence and blog.
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