Ethical non-monogamy is a romantic relationship structure where all people involved consent to having multiple romantic or sexual relationships. Unlike cheating, all actions in a non-monogamous relationship are ethically conducted where everyone’s boundaries and feelings are being respected and honored. Honesty and open communication are at the forefront of an ethically non-monogamous relationship.
Ethical non-monogamy may also be referred to as an ENM relationship. ENM is an umbrella term for taking part in a romantic or intimate relationship that is not exclusive to just two people. Non-monogamy is simply the opposite of monogamy. A monogamous relationship is where two partners are exclusive with one another and do not engage in romantic or intimate relationships with other people.
To learn how to have a successful ENM relationship, continue to read this blog!
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What are the rules of ENM?
Many people enjoy being in an ENM connection and, while non-monogamy may be increasing in popularity, the stigma surrounding this form of romantic connection does not seem to be decreasing. Some people may feel merely uncomfortable about this type of romantic connection while others disapprove of it entirely.
Some people may falsely believe that ENM is just cheating, but that is not true. Many people are comfortable with a relationship just consisting of Person A and Person B, but what happens when someone or a couple decides that they want more? Not every relationship format or type is one-size-fits-all as different people have different needs.
In an ethically non-monogamous relationship, everyone involved must consent to the relationship’s structure. In this way, ENM is not an excuse for cheating. An ENM romantic connection values consent, honesty, and openness. On the other hand, cheating is a betrayal of trust. If you experienced cheating in your relationship, read our blog “How to Heal After Infidelity.”
The rules and guidelines of ENM will depend on your specific relationship dynamic and the agreements between you and your partner.
With that being said, there are some common principles in ENM relationships, including the following:
Consent:
Everyone involved must give informed and enthusiastic consent, which includes agreeing on the relationship's boundaries and rules.
Communication:
Maintaining open and honest communication is essential. Regular check-ins and discussions about feelings, boundaries, and any changes help uphold trust and clarity. For more information, check out our blog “4 Communication Tips Couples Need to Know.”
Honesty:
Being transparent about other relationships and activities is crucial for preventing misunderstandings and fostering trust among all partners.
Respect:
It's vital to respect each person's boundaries, time, and feelings. This also involves honoring the needs and agreements of other partners.
Boundaries:
Establish and respect clear boundaries, which may cover what is acceptable in other relationships, how time is shared, and how emotional needs are addressed. Read our blog “How to Understand and Develop Boundaries in Relationships.”
Privacy:
While transparency is key, it's also important to respect each partner's privacy and avoid sharing details about other relationships without consent.
Negotiation:
Regularly revisit and adjust agreements as relationships evolve to ensure all parties remain comfortable and respected.
Conflict Resolution:
Be ready to address and resolve conflicts or concerns as they arise. Effective conflict resolution is important for maintaining healthy relationships. For more information on this topic, our blog “5 Ways to Solve Common Relationship Problems” is a must-read.
How do I know if I am non-monogamous?
To understand if you are non-monogamous, you must explore your feelings, desires, and experiences regarding relationships and intimacy.
Ask yourself the following questions to help determine if you prefer a monogamous or non-monogamous romantic relationship:
Do you feel a strong desire or need to have romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people simultaneously?
How do you feel about handling potential jealousy or managing boundaries in a non-monogamous setting?
Are you comfortable with open communication and transparency about your desires and relationships?
Do you feel that your needs and desires are not fully met in a monogamous relationship?
Have you spoken with others who identify as non-monogamous to learn more about their experiences and perspectives?
Do your personal values and beliefs align with non-monogamous principles?
Have you explored or experimented with non-monogamous relationships or dynamics in the past? How did those experiences feel to you?
Would multiple relationships offer a more fulfilling experience for you?
How to deal with jealousy in ethical non-monogamy
If jealousy is a major component of a lot of your relationships, in other words if you resonate with being “the jealous type”, non-monogamy may not be the right fit for you. That is not to say that those in a non-monogamous relationship do not feel jealousy. Instead, they likely find a healthy outlet for their jealousy and process those emotions differently.
No matter who you are, you will experience jealousy at one point in time as it is a normal human emotion. In a romantic connection between non-monogamists, jealousy gets processed in a way where it does not impact their relationship. This is because there is a mutual understanding that this relationship was created on the basis that there will be multiple physical or emotional connections happening at all times (or most times).
Having an open and honest approach allows you to confront feelings of jealousy head-on. Combining self-awareness, open communication, and practical strategies will allow you and your partner to handle jealousy effectively.
Here are some steps you can take to handle jealousy as a couple:
Acknowledge your feelings
Communicate openly
Explore the root cause
Set and respect boundaries
Practice self-care (Read our blog “The 8 Forms of Self-Care and How You Can Practice Them”)
Focus on trust (“How to Deal with Trust Issues” is a must-read blog of ours)
Develop healthy coping skills
Seek professional help from a couples counselor at Anchor Therapy
Work together
Reevaluate if your relationship meets both yours’ and your partner’s needs and expectations
What is the difference between ENM and an open relationship?
ENM refers to consensual relationships where people engage in romantic or sexual relationships with more than one partner. Additionally, everyone involved must agree to the terms of the arrangement.
There are a few different types of ethical non-monogamy, including the following:
Polyamory:
Involves having multiple romantic relationships where all partners are aware and consenting. These relationships can be structured in various ways, including hierarchical (where some relationships are given more priority) or non-hierarchical forms. To learn more, read our blog “6 Benefits of Polyamorous Couples Therapy.”
Open Relationships:
In a committed partnership, both individuals agree that they can pursue sexual relationships with others. This can range from occasional encounters to more frequent relationships, depending on the couple's agreements.
Swinging:
Couples participate in sexual activities with other couples or individuals, focusing primarily on the sexual aspect rather than developing romantic connections.
Relationship Anarchy:
This form of romantic connection rejects conventional relationship norms and hierarchies, advocating for personal freedom and autonomy. Relationships are based on individual needs and mutual agreements rather than predefined structures.
Solo Polyamory:
Individuals engage in multiple relationships but do not seek to live with or merge their lives in traditional ways. Each relationship remains independent, with a focus on personal autonomy.
Hierarchical Polyamory:
Relationships are organized with different levels of importance or commitment, where a "primary" partner may be considered more significant than "secondary" partners.
Non-Hierarchical Polyamory:
All relationships are treated as equally important, without any ranking or hierarchy among partners.
Swinger Lifestyle:
Often used interchangeably with swinging, this term can also refer to a broader lifestyle or community that engages in various forms of consensual non-monogamy.
With all of this being said, it is important to note that you and your partner can create your own ENM type without following one of the models mentioned above. Whatever you and your partner agree on, you can create a relationship off of. You do not have to stick to the rules and regulations of any one specific relationship model.
Are ENM relationships healthy?
Every relationship is unique in its own way. Depending on the boundaries you have outlined with your partner, something may be okay in your relationship, but not permitted in someone else’s romantic connection. Your relationship is up to your and your partner(s)- communicate your desires and limits so you can create the relationship of your dreams!
ENM relationships can be healthy and fulfilling if it is something that truly all partners want. If you and your significant other started off in a monogamous relationship but, now, your partner wants to transition to an ENM relationship, you may feel pressured to oblige even if it does not align with your goals, values, or lifestyle.
Being open and honest with your partner is important to ensure that your needs are being met and your feelings are being checked in regularly. Over time, relationships change, and ENM connections are not exempt from this change. Being open to changing agreements and boundaries is important to help address issues in your connection.
A report estimates that 1 in 6 people, roughly 16.8%, desire to engage in polyamory, a form of ethical non-monogamy. If you desire romantic or sexual variety, do not be afraid to share this information with your partner. Without communicating your needs and desires, your partner may never know.
Why do people want ethical non-monogamy?
There are many reasons why a couple may decide to engage in an ENM relationship together.
One’s sexuality can change over time. That is to say, a person may become curious about what it is like to engage sexually with someone of a different gender from their partner. You may develop a deep romantic connection with your partner and not want to end your primary relationship, but still explore other options, for instance.
Additionally, some people believe that one partner cannot fulfill all of their needs. To alleviate putting extra stress and pressure on your significant other, people in an ENM relationship have the freedom to look outside of their partnership to match with other people who share the same sexual or romantic issues that they do.
Someone in an ENM relationship also believes that there is more than enough love to go around! It does not have to be allocated all to one person. Physical, sexual, and emotional intimacy can occur between multiple people which leads to a non-monogamous person feeling satisfied and fulfilled in their interpersonal relationships.
What is the ENM etiquette?
To have a successful and healthy non-monogamous relationship, honest and open communication must be at the forefront. Before deciding to engage in an ENM relationship, talk to your partner to make sure you are both on the same page.
Once you and your partner create your rules and guidelines for your ethical non-monogamous relationship, the journey is not over. You should aim to continuously check in with your partner to make sure you are truly on this journey together. Without checking in with your significant other, you may not know their true thoughts or feelings.
You or your partner’s feelings can change over time- it is normal. New emotions can easily emerge, especially when you have such a close emotional connection to your partner. Consistent check-ins can give you a greater sense of understanding of everyone’s needs and emotions.
From open communication to safe sex practices, everyone’s mental and physical health should be prioritized.
If this is your first time testing out an ENM connection, try to educate yourself about the topic (by reading blogs like this one!). What type of ENM connection do you want to explore? What does it take to make an ENM relationship successful? How do you aim to maintain open communication? How will you manage and process your jealousy? If you are struggling coming up with the answers to these questions, do not hesitate to reach out to a relationship counselor at Anchor Therapy.
We conveniently offer in-person therapy at our downtown Hoboken, New Jersey office, as well as online relationship therapy. If you would like to work on your ENM relationship with your partner, we also have couples counselors who have experience with many relationship types, including non-monogamous romantic connections.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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