If you are looking to achieve satisfaction in your sex life, sex therapy may be the answer. Working with a licensed sex therapist can help you as an individual or couple in resolving common sexual issues, such as intimacy issues and sexual dysfunction. Sex counseling is just like any other form of talk therapy - you sit down with a couples counselor to work through your problems.
Some couples can take care of their sexual relationship on their own while others may need some assistance and that is perfectly okay. There needs to be a balance of “I” and “we” in a relationship and your sex therapist will likely stress this concept to you.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What is Sex Therapy?
Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy that can help you and/or your partner address the psychological, medical, personal, and interpersonal facets of sex and sexual satisfaction. In sex therapy for couples, you will work to move past any emotional or physical obstacles you are facing to not only have a pleasurable sex life, but a prospering relationship as well.
Wanting a fulfilling sex life is healthy and natural- it is nothing to feel ashamed of. Both emotional and physical intimacy are important parts of your general welfare. If and when sexual dysfunction occurs in your romantic connection, having a fulfilling sex life can become that much harder.
Sexual dysfunction is more common than you may think. According to the Cleveland Clinic, 43% of women and 31% of men reported having some degree of sexual dysfunction throughout their lifetimes.
Some examples of sexual dysfunction include:
Lack of interest
Low confidence (For tips on how to boost your self-confidence, check out our blog “The Ultimate Guide to Building Self-Confidence”)
Erectile dysfunction
Lack of response to sexual stimulus
Distressing sexual thoughts (For help with intrusive thoughts, read our blog “6 Ways to Handle Intrusive Thoughts”)
Inability to reach orgasm
Excessive libido
Low libido
Inability to manage sexual behaviors
Unwanted sexual fetishes
Sex counseling can help you think about your sexual obstacles in a new light so you can enhance your sexual fulfillment.
The Core of Sex Therapy at Anchor Therapy
Sex therapy at Anchor Therapy is an affirmative process. Our sex counselors do not shame clients for their sexual needs and desires. Our couples therapists understand that sexuality is an inherent, important part of the human experience.
In virtual sex counseling, sexual freedom of thoughts, emotions, fantasies, and healthy behaviors are encouraged. Sex therapy may be the first time you have ever considered what your sexual experience has been like thus far. You will also consider what your current sexual fantasies are and any desires you have for your sexual expression in the future.
Whether you are experiencing internal conflict or external discomfort, you and your sex counselor will work together to create therapeutic goals. Oftentimes, your goals in sex therapy may be addressed alongside other issues which are also common in mental health counseling.
Examples of related relationship issues in sex counseling may include:
A sexless marriage or relationship
Sexual trauma (Check out our blog “Everything You Need To Know About CBT for PTSD” for some guidance)
Anxiety (Take our “Anxiety Quiz”)
Depression (Take our “Depression Quiz”)
Stress (If you struggle with stress, check out our blog “Everything You Need To Know About Stress Management Therapy”)
Conflict in the relationship (Read our blog “5 Ways to Solve Common Relationship Problems”)
What Should I Expect in Sex Counseling?
Sex therapy is like any other form of psychotherapy. You treat your concerns by discussing them with your relationship counselor. You will talk about your experiences, emotions, and anxieties. By using healthy coping mechanisms, you will learn to enhance your responses to stressful situations or triggers which will lead to a healthier sex life.
If you and your partner are attending sex therapy together, there are some important things to keep in mind. First, your couples therapist is not there to pick one person’s side or to persuade anyone into thinking something. Second, sex therapy is not a substitute for sex work of any kind.
With every sex therapy session that comes and goes, you will be guided towards acknowledgement, management, and acceptance of your problems that may be adding to the sexual dysfunction you are experiencing. Talk therapy is a safe space that is both educational and supportive. If you find yourself not knowing what to say in sex therapy, read our blog “5 Things To Do When You Don’t Know What To Say In Therapy.”
In sex therapy, you are encouraged to change so you and your partner feel fulfilled. Your sex therapist may utilize homework assignments and give you work to do before your next appointment.
If your relationship counselor believes your sexual concerns are tied to a medical condition, they can provide a referral to a medical doctor. From there, you and your doctor can discuss your signs and symptoms in detail and work to find a solution that is contributing to your sexual problems.
What Issues Can Sex Therapy Help With?
Sex therapy can resolve issues at the individual and couple level.
Frequent issues why couples seek sex therapy encompass the following:
Sexual pain
Arousal issues
Extreme sexual behavior
Difficulty achieving orgasm
Frequency of sexual intimacy
Sexual compatibility
Physiological shifts after childbirth (Read our blog “Building A Stronger Relationship With Your Partner Post-Baby”)
Physiological shifts after menopause
Changes in the sexual dynamic of a connection over time
If a sexual issue in your life is causing you distress, it is recommended that you seek the support of a sex therapist. Your sex counselor can help rule out certain physiological factors and help guide you and your partner towards the factors you should be focusing on and addressing.
It is not uncommon for a major life transition to throw a wrench in your sex life. Stress, anxiety, and big life changes can lead you to a position where you are seeking the help of a sex counselor. When you know what is causing your sexual dissatisfaction, you are in a good place to know what you are looking for in a sex therapist.
Stress-inducing factors in your sex life can include:
Anxiety (If you struggle with anxiety, our blog “How You Can Treat Your Anxiety Using CBT” is a must-read)
Depression (If you struggle with depression, reading the following blog may be helpful “4 Ways to Naturally Treat Depression”)
First sexual experience
Childbirth and/or child rearing (If you are a parent or parent-to-be, check out these helpful blogs “5 Ways Marriage Counseling Can Get You Back On Track After Having A Baby” and “Your Guide To Self-Care As A Parent”)
Disability, illness, and/or medical issues
History of sexual trauma or other forms of trauma (Check out our blog “5 Healthy Ways To Cope With PTSD” for helpful tips)
Marriage and/or cohabitation (Check out our blog “5 Reasons Why Marriage Counseling May Be Helpful For You”)
History of sex negativity or shame around sex
Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)
Stressful job requirements (If you are struggling with career stress, read our blog “What You Need To Know About Work-Related Anxiety”)
Divorce (Check out our blog “Everything You Need To Know About Divorce Counseling”)
Change in sexual partner(s)
Recent breakup (Read “Is Breakup Counseling Right For Me?”)
Entering of the dating field (Check out our blog “How to Cope With Dating Anxiety” for support)
Aging, perimenopause, menopause
Lack of information about healthy sexual practices
When you seek the assistance of a sex counselor, you can lessen the impact of these factors on your sex life. A sex counselor will help you understand the root cause of the concern, what physiological parts to address, what changes need to be made, and what are contributing factors to the concern.
You may experience distress around sexual intimacy.
Common sources of distress for people include:
Not having enough sex
Pain or discomfort when having sex
Lack of interest in sex
Wanting sex more or less frequently than their partner(s)
Inability to have an orgasm
Having an orgasm too quickly
Physical sexual problems
Inability to get aroused or stay aroused
Misalignment between gender identity and biological sex (Read our blog “What You Need To Know To Find A Gender-Affirming Therapist”)
Having intrusive thoughts about sex
Masturbating or having sex compulsively
Desire to expand the range of sexual experience
Do My Partner and I Need Sex Counseling?
Taking the leap to go see a therapist can be a scary decision, especially if it is your first time going to therapy. If you are trying to see if sex counseling is right for your relationship, try to sit back and think about what areas of your life are being impacted the most.
For example, if your sexual dysfunction is impacting you a lot and flooding into other areas of your life, impacting your emotional health and quality of life, it may be a good idea to seek the help of a sex therapist. Similarly, let us say that you are experiencing a lack of intimacy due to your inability to communicate, sex therapy can be a starting point.
On the other hand, you may find that, once you explore your concerns, they are more centered on you and personal issues you are going through. For instance, you may be dealing with body image issues which are preventing you from being intimate with your partner. In this case, it may be a good idea to seek the help of a sex therapist who can address the role of your body concerns within the context of your relationship and an individual therapist for self-confidence to help you work through your issues independently too. If you struggle with body image issues, check out our blog “How To Overcome Body Image Issues.”
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is one therapeutic modality that can alleviate sexual issues. ACT highlights the importance of mindfulness where you can be fully present with no judgment attached. In ACT therapy for couples, you will learn to distance yourself from unhelpful thoughts that are negatively impacting your life. ACT counseling typically incorporates experiential exercises. For instance, your acceptance and commitment therapist will encourage mindfulness during sex, trying out sensate focused activities, and more!
If you are on the fence about attending sex therapy, just think about where you want your sex life to be versus where it is now. Can you and your partner get there on your own? Or do you need a little help in breaking down some of the barriers? Only you and your partner know what the right choice is for your relationship.
If there is a specific issue holding you back that you and your partner cannot resolve on your own, a sex therapist can help.
Sex therapists can help with numerous issues, including but not limited to:
Learning how to navigate open relationships (Read our blog “6 Benefits of Polyamorous Couples Therapy” for more information)
Dealing with and addressing pain during intercourse (e.g., differentiating physical pain from psychosomatic pain)
Discovering your libido as an individual in a romantic connection
Addressing sexual shame
Discovering or wanting to explore your gender identity and/or sexual orientation
Dealing with past sexual trauma
What Happens In Sex Therapy Sessions
Sex therapists can come from many backgrounds. At Anchor Therapy, our sex therapists use evidence-based techniques, mixing different therapeutic modalities to best serve you and your partner. With that being said, there are a few standard practices in sex counseling which are known for their effectiveness.
Your sex counselor will practice mindfulness in your sessions together. Different mindfulness tools can be helpful when trying to resolve sexual dysfunction. When practicing mindfulness in relation to sex, you will notice what is happening to you and highlight self-compassion even in moments of struggle. Mindfulness improves your ability to view yourself and your partner through a non-judgmental lens.
Sensate focus is a common technique used in sex therapy. Sensate focus exercises can help lessen anxiety around sex by lengthening intimacy. Instead of engaging in habitual ways in which you and your partner have engaged in sexual intimacy previously, your sex counselor will encourage you to explore basic touch sensations. By doing this, you gain awareness regarding touch and arousal which will increase connection and desire.
As mentioned previously, your sex counselor may give you and your partner homework assignments to complete in between your therapy sessions. In the beginning, homework involves communication and vulnerability. Your sex therapist will even work with you both to create questions that carve out space for an open and honest conversation. By completing these homework assignments, you are adding safety and security to your relationship’s foundation.
A sex counselor may also use a dual control model where the context of your and your partner’s sexuality is considered. You will explore your turn-ons (also known as your sexual excitation system) and your turn-offs (also known as your sexual inhibition system). Using the dual control model will allow you and your significant other to make necessary changes so you can have a connected sexual experience.
Talking about sex or sexual difficulties can be a hard topic to discuss but, with the right sex therapist, you can feel comfortable and confident knowing that you are taking the right step to address your concerns. Sex counseling will help you work through obstacles in the road that are preventing you from having a happy and healthy sex life.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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