What is friendship grief?
Losing a friend can be one of the most heartbreaking experiences one may experience. Friendships are manufactured around understanding and trust. After that trust and bond are broken, it can leave us with an empty gap in our hearts that may never be restored the same as it was with that one friend. Just like any relationship breakup, whether it be romantic or a friendship, one of the most complex parts of the adjustment is accepting that things will never go back to normal. Accepting that that valuable connection you once shared with someone is now absent.
Why losing a friend hurts so much:
Losing a friend can feel like losing a piece of yourself. The emotional intimacy shared with a close friend can be as powerful as a romantic partner. No matter why or how the friendship ended, the feeling of being unwanted by someone you once shared a strong connection with is challenging to endure. If your friend is the one who breaks the friendship, it can leave you heartbroken. Having a best friend provides you with a sense of security and someone who you associate a majority of your memories with, good and bad. A close friend may have gotten you through a difficult time in your life or helped you progress through certain aspects of your life.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
How long does grief last after losing a friend?
The healing process is different for everyone, so how someone handles losing a friend or how long it may take for the grieving process to conclude may look different for you. Although there is no specific amount of time, it typically takes around six or more months to feel like you are now improving in this healing journey. Grief may change each day; some days will feel more manageable than others. Sometimes, just as it starts to seem you are doing better, something may provoke the grief you thought you progressed from. Although you may see improvement in your grief around six months, it could take up to two years to predominately resolve this grief.
Why do friendships end?
In most cases, friendships gradually end. Friends get a new job, move, find new interests, find themselves invested in other new relationships, and begin to stop talking to each other progressively. When friends find themselves in this circumstance, staying in contact and maintaining their relationship may become exceedingly difficult to preserve. Frustration surrounding feeling as if you have no control over this friendship breakup may eventually lead to a disagreement that will never be resolved or ending the friendship on bad terms. Some friendships may have started when you were young and had similar interests or during an impressionable time in your life. It is important to remember that although it may be painful, not letting the friendship go may interfere with what is actually best for you. When a friendship no longer reflects the mutual exchange of values like energy, time, and affection, the equilibrium of a healthy friendship is disrupted.
When to end a friendship:
Every friendship is different, and your relationship with this person may look different than other people's friendships. However, one significant sign of when to end a friendship would be when a friend doesn't respect your feelings. This is a sign that you are involved in an unhealthy friendship. With a friend, you should feel that you can confide in and trust them with almost everything. However, if you find yourself feeling negative or anxious surrounding this friendship, it is a sign that it is best for you to end the friendship now before something bad happens.
Another instance of when to end a friendship includes when the friend withholds information from you or is dishonest. Friendships require trust, and if you lack trust in the friendship, then it isn't a true friendship to begin with. Most friendships drift apart naturally; people change and may find that they have different interests that don't align with the person they were once best friends with. If untrustworthy actions such as manipulation, gossip, or inconsiderate boundaries start to happen, it is best to end the friendship sooner rather than later.
6 ways on how to end a friendship:
One of the biggest fears of ending a friendship might be that you don't know how to do it or what to say. Luckily, I can provide a few examples of how to end a friendship respectfully.
1. You can slowly distance yourself from the friendship:
This permits you some time to evaluate how you will engage in this friendship breakup.
2. It is essential to focus on “I”:
When you are trying to end a friendship, it is vital to steer clear of generalizations regarding them. Instead, attempt to utilize “I” statements to express how you are feeling rather than making it about what you dislike about the other person.
3. It is just as important to share the responsibility of the friendship breakup:
If you begin to discuss issues you feel are affecting the relationship, make sure you transform it into a “we” statement. This will allow you to convey your feelings without making the other person feel targeted.
4. Avoid using terms like ‘narcissistic’ or ‘toxic’:
It can cause the friendship to become more destructive for you and the other person. For more information on toxic relationships, read our blog “How to Tell if You're in a Toxic Relationship.”
5. You must communicate what your expectations are if you want a break or to never talk to them again:
It is essential to make sure they understand. This will prevent any miscommunication that may result in gaslighting or making the situation worse.
6. Overall, you will know when it is time to move on from a friendship:
One of the most complex parts is finding yourself only remembering the favorable past memories and avoiding the problems that are happening in the present. Nevertheless, there comes a point when you must realize the friend may never change and that this friendship is only holding you back from growing as a person.
7 Stages of grief after losing a best friend:
Shock and Denial:
Denial often emerges with a feeling of numbness. Most people experience recurrent urges to get in touch with a friend who is no longer a part of their life. Most times, this may present itself when you think of a joke or have a story to share that they would have enjoyed, only to remember you are no longer able to share it with them.
Pain and Guilt:
Losing a best friend can be painful emotionally. If you are the person who ended the friendship or contributed to the reason/reasons for losing the friendship, feeling guilty is entirely normal. Although you may feel guilty for letting the friend go, if there are valid reasons to end the friendship, it is for the better. It is essential to remind yourself that the friendship breakup does not mean that you are insufficient or a bad person.
Anger and Bargaining:
Anger is a typical emotional response to losing a friend. Commonly, anger arises when we feel as if we don't have control over the situation or as if we are unable to fix the breakup. Bargaining arises because we are trying to find ways to deal with the grief of losing our friend.
Depression:
Losing a friend can be damaging to our mental and physical health. During this stage, you will typically begin to notice the significance losing a friend has on your life. Typical measures you may take during this stage may include remembering the memories and things you used to do with the friend or isolating yourself on purpose.
The upward turn:
This is the stage where you begin to learn how to adjust to life in the absence of your friend, and the feelings of grief and sadness begin to diminish.
Reconstruction and working through:
During this stage, you will begin to identify new solutions to the problems you may have had with the ended friendship and learn how to move forward and regain control and a sense of peace over your life again.
Acceptance and hope:
During this final stage, although you have learned to accept that the friendship is now gone, you will learn to accept and move on with the reality of your new life in the absence of this relationship. Although you may notice that you have changed or that you may now find yourself feeling more untrusting and uncertain, you will now be able to learn from this experience and find a way to move forward. You will be able to think about the friendship without the pain from the grief. You may still experience sadness at the memory of the many great experiences you had, but you will be able to have the chance to make new friends and embrace the new memories you make.
Tips on how to move on after a friendship breakup:
Make new habits and memories.
While in the friendship, you may not have tried to put yourself out there and try new things. Take this as an opportunity to go out of your comfort zone and build new memories and habits.
Talk with someone that you trust.
Confiding with a family member or friend can help you process what you are going through and take notice of the advice they may provide to help you feel better.
Alter your mindset about the mistakes you may have made
Shifting your mindset to perceive the mistakes you made into lessons rather than beating yourself up will help you move forward. No one is perfect; you can not blame yourself for what went wrong. You must accept what happened and learn from it because you can not change the past.
Write about your feelings.
Putting your thoughts and feelings into words may help free you from the distress and confusion relating to them. It may help you better understand what it is you are feeling, doing, or thinking, leading to understanding yourself more to release yourself from this state of despair.
Prioritize self-care.
Prioritizing your emotional and physical needs can help you move forward and take your mind off of the situation.
Take a break from social media.
Avoiding social media will help you make more time to focus on activities you enjoy or practice self-care. Furthermore, social media may lead to low self-esteem, comparison, and depression. For more information on how social media may be impacting your self-esteem, read our blog “9 Ways Social Media is Impacting Your Teen Daughter’s Self-Esteem.”
Find a resolution when it is possible.
Suppose you and the other person are willing to find closure by seeking answers to possible unanswered questions or communicating why you may have handled the situation the way you did. In that case, it may constitute an apology or a chance to express your feelings to move forward.
Seek professional help through therapy.
A therapist can provide support to you during this healing process by working through unresolved feelings and supplying ways to cope with these feelings.
How can therapy help after a friendship breakup?
Friendship breakups can be very damaging to a person's mental health and well-being. Luckily, therapy can be an excellent resource to express your feelings and have a greater understanding of what emotions you are currently dealing with and how to regulate them. At Anchor Therapy, we provide grief counseling, which can help you navigate ways to deal with this life transition.
Grief counseling helps you to understand and accept the reality of the loss you are dealing with and then gives insight on how to work through the pain that accompanies the grief. One of the steps of grief counseling is learning how to adjust to life without the person who once was your best friend. Then, once you reach the final step of this form of counseling, you will be able to find ways to accept the absence of the friendship breakup and move on with your life.
A therapeutic method used by grief counselors at Anchor Therapy includes Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which serves as an effective form of psychological treatment that provides ways for the client to develop coping skills to control these thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to progress in their life. Losing a friend who you once could never imagine life without can create overwhelming emotions that may be too difficult to cope with and disrupt your day-to-day life. With help from a therapist, you can find support and help to navigate this grief to learn how to heal and progress in life without this relationship. Oftentimes, during any kind of relationship breakup, conditions such as low self-esteem, grief, depression, or post-traumatic stress may develop after the breakup. At Anchor Therapy, we offer a wide range of services that can assist you with challenges you may be facing, and a therapist will be with you every step of the way.
Addison Selzer
is an Intern at Anchor Therapy. She is an undergraduate student at the University of Delaware studying Human Development and Family Sciences with a concentration in Clinical Services. Upon graduating undergrad, she is looking to pursue a graduate and doctorate degree in Clinical Psychology with the goal of becoming a therapist.
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