Breakup Counseling
A breakup refers to the ending of a romantic relationship between partners. This could be the ending or divorce of a married couple although it often refers to the ending of a relationship between two unmarried people.
Let us face the music- breakups are tough, even if you are the one to end the relationship. The ending of a relationship can almost feel like the death of a loved one. You grieve a life of what-ifs with this person. What if we were meant to be married? What if we bought our dream house? What if we had a child together? You are losing the closeness that you once shared with one of the most important people in your life. It is normal to feel sad and even anxious about your romantic future.
You will no longer be able to spend time with your loved one or experience the same intimacy you once shared. This can understandably bring up feelings of grief. It is okay to mourn the relationship that you lost.
Luckily, you can recover from this loss with the help of a relationship therapist at Anchor Therapy.
Defining a breakup
Couples in a romantic connection make major commitments to one another.
Some commitments in a relationship include:
Providing comfort and encouragement
Supporting each other’s personal development and growth
Spending quality time together
Handling disagreements constructively
Sharing responsibilities of daily life (e.g., chores, bills, financial planning, etc.)
Encouraging each other’s dreams
Maintaining an open dialogue
Monogamy (if agreed upon)
Valuing each other’s opinions
Being truthful
Being there for one another during the good and bad times
A breakup occurs when at least one member of the romantic unit no longer wishes to be a part of the above commitments. A couple may make a mutual decision to end the relationship, but there may be cases where one person decides to end the relationship.
In a more traumatic breakup, one member may ‘ghost’ the other person. They may stop contact cold turkey and disappear. This breakup method can be stressful as it leaves your relationship status in limbo and there is no sense of closure.
The typical movie or television depiction of a breakup is someone crying on the couch, curled up with a blanket, eating a pint of their favorite ice cream. However, not every breakup is a bad one- it can actually be a positive experience. Perhaps your ex-partner was emotionally abusive and you could not find the inner strength to end the relationship yourself.
You may be in another boat where you are sad about your breakup, but you know that it was ultimately for the best. This realization can trigger emotional upset.
The end of more casual relationships may be easier to move on from in comparison to long-term, serious relationships.
How to accept the loss of a relationship
Breakups can be very painful, and you should not have to bear that pain alone.
The emotional distress you experience after a breakup can depend on the following factors:
Whether it was a mutual breakup or one person made the decision to end the relationship
If infidelity, abuse, or other painful issues were at play
The level of commitment within the relationship
The length of the relationship
How happy each partner was in the relationship before the breakup
It is normal to feel ‘broken-hearted’ after the ending of an important romantic relationship. The process of grieving a relationship is very similar to the grief you may experience with other things.
You may have family members or friends telling you to ‘get over it’ and that you should get back out there into the dating world. This may pressure you to feel like this is a normal life transition that you have to push aside and get through quickly. This may even cause you to feel hesitant reaching out to a breakup counselor.
But, if you lost a loved one and could not handle the grief on your own, would you hesitate to reach out to a grief therapist then? Likely, you would not be uncertain. You would seek the professional help that you need and deserve.
The amount of time that it takes to heal from a breakup can vary greatly. For example, you may recover from a fling in a matter of days. On the other hand, a committed relationship with a former fiance could take months or even years to fully grieve. Many couples live together without being married so, in that way, a breakup can feel very much like a divorce. Shared belongings, shared responsibilities, and shared friendships are all ending.
If you do not heal your grief, situational depression may arise according to a study. When dealing with a breakup, you may dwell on it, replaying certain memories or looking at old photos, this can make you wonder what went wrong, further fueling sadness. The end of a relationship can also trigger anxiety about the future. “Will I be alone forever?” “Will I find love again?” “What if I never meet someone as good as my ex?”
Take our Anxiety Quiz and Depression Quiz for more information and clarity.
Does relationship counseling help after a breakup?
Unfortunately, experiencing love may go hand-in-hand with experiencing heartbreak. Breakup therapy can play a big role in helping you mentally and emotionally process the separation.
After a breakup, you may feel:
Sadness
Grief
Anger
Resentment
Anxiety
Fear
Loneliness
Isolation
Relief
Liberation
Breakups can cause a wide range of emotions, and the intensity and duration of these symptoms may fluctuate. Some days you may feel like you can conquer the world whereas other days it is hard to force a smile in public. People often also experience cognitive reactions after a breakup. These cognitive reactions post-breakup can impact your mental state and outlook on relationships.
Some common thoughts you may experience after a breakup encompass the following:
Negative self-talk
“Why was I not enough?”
“What did I do wrong?”
Obsessive thinking and rumination
“If only I had…”
“I cannot stop thinking about them.”
Blame and anger
“It is all their fault.”
“How could they do this to me?”
Uncertainty and fear
“I do not even know how to move on without them.”
“What if I never find someone else?”
Self-blame
“I should have seen this coming.”
“I ruined everything.”
Second-guessing
“I think I gave up too easily on our relationship.”
“Should we give it a second chance?”
Counseling after a breakup can be very helpful if you are struggling. Breakup counseling at Anchor Therapy offers a safe space for you to express your feelings, from anger and judgment to confusion and grief, in the comfort of your own home through virtual breakup counseling (available to New Jersey, New York, and Florida residents) or in-person at our downtown Hoboken, New Jersey location.
What is the best therapy after a breakup?
Depending on your needs and preferences, the type of breakup counseling you need will change. Perhaps you are looking for group therapy for breakups opposed to individual grief counseling.
With that being said, there are some common forms of therapy many breakup counselors use after this life transition to ease emotional distress.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help you navigate any negative thought patterns and behaviors you may be experiencing. If you are having feelings of self-blame, hopelessness, and a low self-esteem post-breakup, CBT may be employed. Cognitive restructuring exercises and behavioral interventions can promote healthier patterns of thinking.
For instance, you may be thinking “My life is ruined. I will never be happy without my ex.” immediately after a breakup. A CBT therapist will help you reframe this all-or-nothing type of thinking. Just because you are experiencing a temporary loss of joy, it does not mean that you are destined for a life of unhappiness. CBT for breakups can help you reframe the initial thought to think something along the lines of “I am experiencing sadness right now, but it will not be this way forever. My happiness is not dependent on my ex-partner.”
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, simply referred to as ACT for breakups, encourages you to actually accept and embrace your emotions instead of trying to force them to disappear. You just went through a breakup and it is a normal human response to be sad. It is okay to feel your feelings- you do not have to feel guilty about them. ACT for relationships can help you achieve psychological flexibility so you can make sure that your values align with your actions.
For example, let us say that you are going through a breakup with a long-term partner and you find yourself ruminating on the past. In ACT therapy, you will clarify your values of love, growth, and connection. Throughout the course of your therapy sessions with an ACT therapist, you will come to understand that your emotions are a normal reaction to a breakup. In an effort to move forward, you will define specific actions that honor your values even in the face of a breakup, such as reaching out to friends for support.
Group therapy for breakups can be a very valuable resource for some people. Group counseling can offer a shared space where you can disclose your feelings with people who are going through the same life transition. This can create a feeling of mutual support while reducing feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Grief counseling can be a major part of the healing process as touched on before. Grief therapy for breakups acknowledges that you are grieving a significant loss. Part of your breakup journey may involve going through the five stages of grief.
The five stages of grief for breakups are as follows:
Denial:
Disbelief and denial of the breakup and/or trying to avoid thinking about the breakup
Anger:
Feeling angry at yourself, your ex, or other factors that led to the breakup
Bargaining:
Fantasizing about what could have gone differently and/or considering ways to reconcile with your ex-partner
Depression:
Feeling overwhelmed with sadness, despair, and hopelessness
Acceptance:
Coming to terms with the fact that the relationship has ended
Grief therapy can help you process your grief and work on ways to achieve a sense of closure so you can move forward with your life. It also looks like creating life on your own terms. Maybe moving forward looks like jumping back into the dating pool again. Or perhaps it means prioritizing yourself and your goals, focusing on advancing your career.
Breakup Counseling in Hoboken, New Jersey
Anchor Therapy can help you recover from a breakup by providing a haven for emotional support. Our breakup counselors offer validation and empathy for your situation, making you feel less alone and understood.
Our grief counselors offer evidence-based treatment modalities to help you identify negative thought patterns and cognitive behavioral techniques. Coping skills can also be taught in breakup therapy so you can effectively manage your distress and emotions.
Some examples of healthy coping skills include:
Meditation
Deep breathing exercises
Identifying and challenging negative thoughts
Positive affirmations
Physical exercise
Healthy eating
Talking to supportive family members and friends
Journaling
Practicing self-awareness
Visioning exercise
And more!
Attending grief treatment also gives you a chance to explore yourself and reflect on your personal values and goals. You can work on your self-esteem and patch up any self-worth issues that may have occurred after your breakup. In any form of therapy, you will set meaningful goals and take steps toward fulfillment.
A major part of therapy is not only gaining self-awareness, but it is also about putting action behind that awareness, in this case to prevent future relationship issues. Breakup therapy will improve your communication skills, ability to regulate your emotions, and give you conflict resolution techniques. You can go on to develop a secure attachment style.
Breakup therapy can offer structured support to help you overcome this difficult personal challenge. It is possible to process your breakup while healing emotional wounds and growing as a person!
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