Infidelities, affairs, and cheating can erode a relationship, the couple as a unit, and the self-esteem of those who have been cheated on. Most people blame themselves for their partner’s decision to be unfaithful.
When you first found out that your partner, fiance, or spouse cheated on you, it was likely a shock to your system. The emotional impact of infidelity can carry long-term consequences and even disrupt your view of yourself and the world around you. You may think that you are less-than or that no one should be trusted moving forward.
You once felt safe and loved and, now, that image has disappeared. So, what else in your life could change? Infidelity can be damaging, but it can also provide an opportunity for personal growth.
If you decide to stay with your partner, it can be a chance to strengthen your relationship and fix the cracks. If you decide to leave your partner, you may find yourself increasing your dating standards. There is no right or wrong answer here- you ultimately know what is best for you. Regardless of your situation, you can take certain steps to overcome the insecurities you are facing post-infidelity.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
How does being cheated on change you?
Experiencing betrayal can change the way a person feels, believes, and behaves. The most immediate effect of being cheated on is the erosion of trust. Betrayal can make it hard to trust other people in future relationships. This may create a lingering sense of skepticism that often complicates intimacy.
This breach of trust also damages one’s self-esteem. You may feel inadequate or unworthy post-infidelity, questioning what you did wrong that led your partner to stray. The emotional aftermath of infidelity may even feel confusing to you.
After being cheated on, you may feel:
Betrayal (Read our blog “How to Heal After Infidelity”)
Sadness (Check out our blog “Sadness vs Depression: When to Get Help”)
Confusion
Insecurity (Our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?” is a must-read)
Fear
Anger (Read our blog “The Most Important Things You Need to Know About Anger Management”)
Isolation (Check out our blog “How to Battle the Loneliness Epidemic”)
Determination
Empathy (View our blog “The Truth About Being An Empath”)
Relief
In response to the pain you are facing, your behavior is likely to change. You may become more guarded with your partner. You may become cynical about your relationship or love in general.
On the other hand, you might seek validation through new social connections. This is often done to regain a sense of control or confidence. For more information, check out our blogs “7 Ways to Let Go of Control Issues” and “The Ultimate Guide to Building Self-Confidence.” This experience may even encourage you to reflect more on your personal values. What do you desire in future partnerships? What boundaries need to be established? For guidance, read our blog “How to Understand and Develop Boundaries in Relationships.”
Vulnerability fears also tend to rise post-infidelity. If you have been hurt once, you may hesitate to open up again because you are fearful that you will be hurt a second time. For more information, check out our blog “3 Steps to Becoming More Vulnerable.”
However, the silver lining of this pain is that you can find resilience. Heartbreak can foster a strong sense of self as you learn to cope with your emotions. You will even get a clearer view of your needs and desires.
During these times of hardship, it is a good idea to lean on your support system. Do your family members know what you are going through? Did you talk it out with your friends? Are you seeking the support of a relationship therapist at Anchor Therapy to heal?
Being cheated on is a traumatic experience for many people, but it can lead you on a journey of personal growth and self-discovery in the same breath.
What is Post Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD)?
Post Infidelity Stress Disorder, simply referred to as PISD, is an anxiety disorder that a person can experience after their partner has been unfaithful to them. Many people compare PISD to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) given the trauma and devastation embedded within infidelity.
According to a 2021 study, 30 to 60 percent of people who have been cheated on experience anxiety, depression, and PTSD. The combination of these elements has become known as PISD.
Some symptoms of PISD include the following:
Low self-esteem - Self-blame and shame can occur if you have a diminished sense of self-worth
Anger and resentment - You may feel anger towards your partner and resentment towards yourself for feeling hurt
Isolation - Whether from depression or embarrassment, you may find yourself withdrawing from family members and friends, making it hard to share your feelings or seek external support
Difficulty in relationships - Forming and maintaining new relationships can be challenging due to a fear of betrayal and mistrust
Physical symptoms - Anxiety can cause physical symptoms, such as headaches or stomach pain (For more information, read our blog “3 Ways to Manage Your Physical Anxiety Symptoms”)
Intrusive thoughts - You may find yourself constantly replaying the betrayal in your mind, experiencing persistent, unwanted thoughts about infidelity (Check out our blog “6 Ways to Handle Intrusive Thoughts”)
Emotional numbness - You may detached from the world around you, your experiences, and even your emotions
Hypervigilance - You may feel on edge in new relationships, particularly concerning signs of potential infidelity
Anxiety - Increased feelings of anxiety may occur, such as abandonment, trust, and the future of relationships (To find out if you are struggling with anxiety, take our Anxiety Quiz by reading our blog “Do I Have Anxiety? Take the Quiz and Learn 5 Instant Calming Tips”)
Depression - Symptoms of depression may arise, such as loss of interest in once-enjoyable activities, changes in your appetite, changes in sleep patterns, and so on (Take our Depression Quiz to learn more)
Here are some reflective questions you can ask yourself to assess if you are struggling with PISD:
Am I frequently replaying the events of the infidelity in my mind?
Do I feel emotionally numb or detached from my feelings?
Am I overly anxious or paranoid in my current or future relationships?
Am I withdrawing from friends and family?
Have I noticed a significant change in my mood, such as feeling sad or hopeless?
Do I feel intense anger or resentment towards my partner or myself?
Am I having trouble trusting others?
Do I struggle with low self-esteem or self-worth?
Have I experienced physical symptoms related to my emotional distress?
Do I often feel overwhelmed by emotions or situations that remind me of the betrayal?
PISD can impact anyone; however, there are some populations of people who may be more at risk than others.
Here are some predisposing factors to PISD:
People who struggle with codependency (Read our blog “Embracing Independence: Tools for Overcoming Dependency”)
People who have experienced trauma or abuse in the past
People who have trust issues and are hypervigilance in relationships (Check out our blog “How to Deal with Trust Issues”)
People who have a fragile self-esteem and have dependent personalities
People who hold negative views of the world, themselves, and other people
What does cheating do to a person’s self-esteem?
Negative emotions and self-perceptions can occur as cheating can profoundly impact your self-esteem. When you are betrayed, you likely deal with feelings of unworthiness, and even question your values and attractiveness.
This sense of inadequacy can stem from the belief that your partner sought fulfillment elsewhere because you are not enough. Self-doubt is likely something you will experience a lot of during this healing period. You may replay events leading up to the infidelity, analyze your appearance, and wonder if you could have done something to prevent your partner’s actions.
Feelings of shame and guilt can arise, even when the infidelity is not your fault. You can internalize the cheating, feeling ashamed of the relationship’s failure or guilty for trusting your significant other at all. You may even find yourself comparing yourself to the person your partner cheated on you with, worsening feelings of inferiority and inadequacy. For support, read our blog “How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other People.”
Trust is obviously impacted by infidelity, leaving lasting scars that can impede on your ability to trust other people and even yourself. This may make future relationships feel scary, leading to social withdrawal and isolation which only worsens self-esteem. Anxiety can also occur, making it hard to engage confidently with other people. For more information, check out our blog “How to Cope with Dating Anxiety.”
How do I find peace after being cheated on?
Infidelity is not an issue that can be swept under the rug. While time does heal some wounds, ignoring the issue at hand is not going to lessen your pain or safeguard your sense of trust. If you want to rebuild your relationship after infidelity, you cannot restore trust with this looming over your heads. Knowing and acknowledging the underlying issue will help you decide whether or not you want to stay with your partner, and fight for your relationship. To read more on this topic, read our blog “4 Ways to Repair A Relationship After Infidelity.”
You may feel compelled to hide your true feelings after being cheated on due to embarrassment, shame, and other complex emotions. Maybe you do not want your partner to know how much they truly hurt you. Or perhaps you think that ignoring your emotions is taking the high road. You are allowed to cry and outwardly showcase your grief. It is very likely that you imagined your life with your partner in a very specific way and infidelity did not play a role in that. Continue reading more about this by checking out our blog “Grieving A Life That Never Was.”
While it is important to acknowledge what happened, you should also not dwell on the past. For example, if you decide to stay with your partner, you cannot mention the infidelity every time they do something even minorly wrong. Staying stuck in the past will not allow you to rebuild your relationship with your partner, or move forward in a new romantic connection. Process your emotions, but focus on how you want to approach relationships in the present moment and future.
Even if you cannot believe it at the moment, the infidelity was not your fault. Even if there are other issues in the relationship that you are responsible for, the person who cheated on you is the only one to blame for that act. Constantly asking yourself “why me?” or picking out your flaws in the mirror for hours on end each day will not remedy the situation.
Trust issues can occur after you have experienced being cheated on. When the infidelity first occurs, it may feel like you will never trust anyone else again. However, trust is something that can be practiced! Open up to your trusted loved ones, share your feelings, and seek support.
Seeking the support of a grief therapist or breakup counselor at Anchor Therapy is another path to healing. Overcoming trust issues is something you will need to work on whether you stay in the relationship or not. It can be an emotionally confusing time. An unbiased party can help you get perspective on the situation, whether you seek individual or couples therapy.
Therapy can be an opportunity to work on yourself. This does not mean you are attending therapy in Hoboken, NJ because you need to “fix your issues.” It is just an opportunity for you to develop greater self-worth and self-awareness. Working on yourself equates to trusting yourself. With the support of relationship counseling, you will have the confidence to establish boundaries, communicate better, and more!
If you have been cheated on, feeling insecure post-infidelity is a natural response to this level of betrayal. It may be hard to understand it in the time period immediately following the infidelity, but it does not define your self-worth or future. Healing is possible with some self-compassion and the support of other people.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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