If you have ever lost a best friend, you know how painful the process can be. Sometimes, losing a best friend can hurt more than losing a significant other. The truth is that friendship breakups are not easy. Whether you simply drifted apart from your friend or had a falling out and experienced a damaging situation, you can properly heal with a friendship breakup.
You may be reminiscing or even beating up on yourself, thinking of what went wrong and what you could have done differently. It is a normal human reaction to think about these things, but the constant thoughts surrounding your friendship breakup can keep it fresh in your mind which only reminds you of how much you miss your friend.
A part of the healing process is to reflect on your friendship, and the memories you and your best friend created together. It can be difficult to move on after this life transition if you continuously “obsess” over your friendship and what could have been. When you learn how to stop overthinking and properly control your emotions, you can regain your focus and move forward in life with a new perspective.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, Florida, North Carolina, and Utah.
What sparks a breakup in a friendship?
The age-old saying is that some friends come into your life for a reason, some come into your life for a season, and some remain for a lifetime. While this saying may sound corny, it rings very true although friendships are a bit more complex than this.
If you have gone through a friendship breakup, you know how much it can hurt and the deep grief that comes along with the process. In other words, losing a best friend can cause you more pain and suffering than the simple changing of a season. You may feel blindsided by the loss, or it may have been something that was slowly accumulating for months or years.
Here are some common reasons why friendships come to an end:
Misunderstandings
Breaches of trust
One friend feels unsupported
Clashes with the partner of a friend
Attraction to the partner of a friend
Abusive behavior (If you think you may be in a toxic friendship, read our blog “How To Tell If You’re In A Toxic Relationship” for more information)
Changes of interest and values (e.g., political views, moving, getting married, and so on)
Are we on a break? Or is it a friendship breakup?
Just as you would with a romantic relationship, you may face self-doubt regarding moving on from your friend. Maybe they were a childhood friend who you did everything with from the minute you were young. It can be understandably difficult to move on from this and experience new things with new people.
In some cases, you may be able to resolve your issues and save your friendship by investing more time and energy into the relationship. However, it is important to note that there has to be a balance. Friendship is a two-way street, and you should not be the only party who is invested in the friendship. You also have to be sure that there is a balance between fighting for what you care about versus not tolerating harmful behavior.
You should be your friend’s support system, but that does not mean that you should be their punching bag. You are not someone that they should take their anger or frustrations out on, and you do not replace a therapist.
Ultimately, you know what is best for you so you will know if a friendship is worth continuing to invest in or not.
If you are feeling confused about the status of your friendship and do not know how to proceed, ask yourself the following questions to gain some clarity:
Is my friend toxic? If so, are they taking the steps necessary to become a better person?
Has there been a betrayal? If so, has my friend tried to remedy the situation with me?
Does my friend hold me back or do they make me a better person?
Was this disagreement something that we can overcome? Or will it fester and cause more issues down the road?
Do I feel judged or disparaged by my friend?
Is this all just one big misunderstanding? What can my friend and I do to clear up any issues surrounding our communication?
Is my friend continuing to hurt me even after we discussed their behavior and my boundaries?
Have I taken the proper steps to have an open dialogue with my friend and truly express my emotions?
If you feel like you and your friend are past the point of making up, continue reading this blog for additional steps you can take to overcome the feelings of sadness and grief you may be experiencing.
Before you do anything, remember to prioritize your mental health
Please know that it is okay (and completely expected!) to move on from someone who is repeatedly hurting you mentally and emotionally.
When you recognize the toxicity and try to make an exit from the friendship, it can be triggering to your friend. For example, let us say you are someone who has gone through a deep healing journey. You have started prioritizing yourself by attending therapy, moving your body each day, and eating well-balanced meals. You feel better than ever, but you notice that your friends are not growing with you.
This lack in common, shared values may even be what triggered a breakup in your friendship. Whatever the case, we applaud you for being on your healing journey, and we encourage you to take the steps necessary in your life for you to feel like the best version of yourself.
How are friendships and mental health linked?
In an ideal friendship, you and your friend both know your value, and treat each with the respect and compassion you each deserve. However, if you struggle with self-esteem, you may feel like all of your friendships are unbalanced.
When you struggle with low self-esteem, you may:
Choose the wrong types of friends
Avoid confrontation
Act clingy with new friends due to your attachment style (For more information on the four attachment styles, read our popular blog “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”)
To get an idea on how self-esteem can impact your friendships, it is a good starting point to have a basic understanding of what self-esteem actually is.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is a popular term that is thrown around a lot; however, conversations surrounding self-esteem can be confusing. Some people may equate “self-esteem” to someone complaining about their life. On the other hand, other people may believe that a good self-esteem comes from a healthy and happy childhood and discipline.
In reality, self-esteem is more complex. Self-esteem can easily be looked at as self-respect. It is when you have a reasonable yet favorable impression of yourself. Just a healthy amount of self-esteem is needed. When you have too high of self-esteem, you may run into ego issues. With not enough self-esteem, you suffer in many aspects of your life, from professional to personal.
Self-esteem is sprouted from a variety of places. Maybe it is the job you got fired from or your past breakup. Whatever the case, self-esteem is usually a gradual thing where a low self-esteem can take years to make you believe that you do not deserve nice people to be in your life or nice things to happen to you.
What are some signs of low self-esteem in friendships?
We all know that our friends are a reflection of ourselves and, sometimes, you may believe that you deserve negative people in your life due to a low level of self-confidence. Your self-esteem and general mental health can greatly impact the kinds of friends that you allow into your life.
If you suspect that your self-esteem could use a boost, check out the following list for some indicators that you really are suffering from low self-esteem:
Assuming that everything that is said in a conversation is a direct attack on you
Continuously choosing friends who put you down, make you feel bad about your goals and accomplishments, and take advantage of you
Apologizing often for minor things (E.g., “I’m sorry I would like to take my own car to the restaurant tonight”)
An inability to take compliments from people
A belief that you do not deserve good friends or a belief that you will always have bad friends in your life
Difficulty making eye-contact when talking to people
Giving up on friendships or giving up enthusiasm for making new friendships
A general negative attitude towards life or making constant negative statements to people (e.g., “there are not any loyal, good people left in the world anymore”)
If you find yourself resonating with a lot of these signs, it may be time to take a look at your self-esteem so you can improve your friendships and relationships. With determination and the ability to look at yourself objectively, you can properly heal to create long-lasting change. For more guidance, check out our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”
Now that you know a little bit about friendship breakups, let us get into practical coping skills that you can apply to your life to heal from a friendship breakup!
Breaking up with a friend can be a tricky and complicated process. Here are a few things you can do to make it a little easier.
Talk With A Trusted Professional
A therapist for life transitions can help you center your thoughts through evidence-based therapeutic modalities, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), so you are not constantly thinking about your former friend and overthinking the lost friendship.
When we think of breakup counseling, we normally think about it in the context of romantic relationships; however, friendship breakups can create just as big of a void in your life. It is important to communicate your needs so you can help yourself and your loved ones know how to react to this life transition.
By working with a breakup therapist, you are able to process what happens. Your breakup counselor is an unbiased source whose primary objective is to help you get over this life hurdle. You can vent to your life therapist while they offer helpful feedback and guidance to make you feel better.
At Anchor Therapy, we have an amazing team of male and female therapists who can help you process breakups and life transitions. Our breakup therapists will help you process the breakup, and discover new ways to move forward.
A relationship therapist will teach you how to find closure while also helping you navigate future friendships by providing you with insights to consider.
2. Prioritize Self-Care
Breakups are difficult so the best way to move forward is to stay positive and focus on yourself. When you focus on your emotional and physical needs being met, you can take a step into the next phase of your life. This will also help you remember that you can thrive without that specific friendship in your life.
By focusing on yourself, you are removing the focus from your friendship. This allows you to build your self-esteem.
Some common examples of self-care include:
Getting enough sleep
Eating well-balanced meals
Moving your body in a way you enjoy
Focusing on new hobbies and interests
3. Shift Your Mindset
No one is perfect, including you. It is okay to make mistakes as it is a normal part of life. In fact, you should be worried if you are not making mistakes along the way! That would mean that you are not trying new things and growing.
There is value in taking responsibility for your actions. With that being said, it is important to remember that you should not create a story where you are the villain.
Therefore, you can try to shift your mindset away from a point of regret and mistakes to a place where you are learning about yourself and the world around you. To shift your mindset, you must forgive yourself. You cannot change what has happened so, realistically, nothing productive will come from overthinking about the situation.
Use the experience of your friendship breakup to become a better friend in the future.
Adult friendships are essential to your well-being. Friendship breakups can be harder than ending romantic relationships. Luckily, with the help of a breakup counselor and some lifestyle changes, you can heal from the pain and come out of the other side stronger than ever.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Office Manager at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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