Every family has a different structure, background, culture, and set of values. For some, family relationships come easy. However, the “perfect” family doesn’t really exist. There’s so many different variations and circumstances for families that it can be stressful to adjust to the particular environment.
The “standard” family structure, the American Dream, consists of two parents, one or two kids, a nice house, and financial stability. Yet, it’s important to be aware that The American Dream isn’t exactly realistic. You can still be satisfied with your family and life when it doesn’t necessarily adhere to the “perfect” standard.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Different versions of family structure can include:
Being an only child
Having siblings with various age gaps
Having one parent
Having adoptive parents
Having a step-parent/step-siblings
Having divorced parents
Having LGBTQIA+ parents
Having Polyamrous parents
Families are extremely diverse which can make building relationships within the family difficult. Bettering your relationship with your family can not only strengthen your bonds, but also can make your household environment more comfortable and positive. In this blog, I’m going to address the different family variables, give tips on how to tighten bonds and relationships, and address possible approaches for each scenario.
Tip 1: Communication Is Key in Family Relationships
Communication is one of the most important parts - arguably, the most important part - of any healthy relationship. The foundation of relationships relies on truthfulness and communication. Even though you are not obligated to tell your family your deepest darkest thoughts and feelings, it’s important to communicate things related to them.
For example, if something your parents said hurt you, speaking to them about how it made you feel will prevent it from happening again in the future. Don’t be afraid to express your feelings. Nobody is a mind reader, and if you’re feeling hurt, depressed, angry, or other emotions, your family won’t know unless you tell them. Also, in the reverse scenario, if somebody comes to you about how they feel, don't turn them away. If your siblings need to vent about problems they’ve been having in school, let them know that you’re there for them.
Obviously, communication isn’t always easy and everyone has a different style. During fights or disagreements, confrontation can be stressful. It’s important to respect opposing values and beliefs that you may have with your family. You don’t need to agree with their actions or words, but there’s no use in fighting something you can’t change. Set your own boundaries and communicate them. This will help avoid unnecessary fighting and stress.
Distance, emotionally and/or physically, can disable a person from properly communicating what needs to be said. If you’re a college student, an adult, or just away from home, try to reach out to your family.
Ways to reach out to your family through long-distance communication includes:
Phone calls
Texts
Sending Funny Videos
Emails
Letters
Gifts
A simple “Hello” can make someone’s day and show them that you’re thinking about them.
Communication can apply to any of the specific scenarios listed earlier. Communication is the key to any form of relationship, it’s just a matter of finding out what type of communication works.
Age gaps can be really hard to navigate, especially if you are the eldest/youngest siblings. It may be hard to form relationships because of the differences in interest, knowledge, and maturity. Even so, it is definitely possible to form good relationships with siblings that may be much older and/or younger than you. For starters, try to communicate and look for anything you may have in common.
Broad areas of interest that you may have in common with your sibling(s) include:
Music taste
Food
Movies
Games
Sports
Being attentive to what your siblings like and trying to like it yourself, will not only give you more things in common, but will also show your sibling that you care about what they like. Show your sibling that you are interested in what they have to say and that you are interested in getting to know them better. As you get older, the age gap will “lessen”, and over time you may feel that you’re really not so different.
It’s not abnormal to be taken care of by one parent. Whether it be from birth, divorce, adoption, or other uncontrollable circumstances. On top of that, when there’s multiple children, the household can become pretty chaotic. There’s only one person taking care of multiple children! Single parents unfortunately can get very stressed out and even depressed on their own. Single parents have to manage things like finances, work, and their children all by themselves. A parent's stress can spread to their children whether they’re aware of it or not. This household stress can make communication very difficult.
Here are things that you can do to build your relationship with your single parent and also to help them out in the process:
Offer to help with daily tasks (chores, dinner, finances)
Express interest in communication
Help out with siblings (don’t cause unnecessary fights)
Be aware that being a single-parent isn’t easy and parents aren’t perfect
Single parents basically do everything alone. Offering help will show your parent not only that you care, but also that you acknowledge how hard their job is as a full-time parent.
Strengthening LGBTQ Family Bonds:
Even with new laws in place and things like gay marriage being legal, there still is a lot of stigma relating to LGBTQIA+ families. The stigma and unwanted pressure not only falls on the parents but also the children involved. LGBTQIA+ parents are still parents regardless of their sexuality and sexual orientation. This is the same for children of parents who are in polyamorous relationships. Communication is important between parent and child, especially in this situation, so that the child knows that they shouldn’t consider their family dynamic to be dysfunctional or “abnormal". A child will ask a lot of questions about a topic they may not really understand. It’s important for the conversation to be honest. Children with LGBTQIA+ and Polyamarous parents can have good upbringings, and be happy and successful - just like any family that doesn’t fall under the heterosexual two-parent “norm”.
If you or someone you know is apart of the LGBTQIA+ community, you may be interested in these blogs:
Tip 2: Spend As Much Quality Time With Your Family As Possible
Quality time is extremely important. It doesn’t always need to be a big event like a national holiday. The little things matter in any relationship. Don’t take the time you have with your family for granted because you may regret it later. Obviously, you don’t need to push yourself to be involved in everything - just make sure to value the time that you do have.
Holidays are also a great way to spend time with your family. Whether it be seeing fireworks on The 4th of July or sitting down and having a meal on Thanksgiving - these things are important. If you have trouble and get anxious scheduling events and offering things to do with your family, holidays are good reasons (“excuses”) for you to spend time with them. If you are fortunate enough to have the opportunity to go on vacation, make the most of it with your family. Depending on you/your parent’s work schedule, vacations can be scarce and hard to fund financially. Make sure to use that vacation time to bond with your family.
Holidays can get complicated and vacations can be rare so it’s important to value the little things.
There are things that can be a part of your daily routine that can help you bond with your family, including:
Breakfast/Dinner
Watching TV
Driving to Places (work, school, sports, etc.)
Doing Chores
Getting Ready For Work/School
You can utilize these daily events to communicate with your family and just enjoy having them around. For example, specific things you can do involve:
Help Cook Dinner
Go Out to Dinner
Offer to Watch a Movie
Play Outside
Play a Game
Talk About Hobbies and Interests
All of the little things matter. If you put in the effort to spend time with your family, they start to acknowledge that you want to better your relationship with them.
Any similar interests, hobbies, and general things in common matter. Use these similarities to tighten your bond with your parents or sibling(s) - especially if you have siblings with age gaps, step-siblings, or even adoptive siblings. Even if you don’t have many interests in common, you can still try out each other's interests which will show your family that you care about having a mutual relationship.
If you have divorced parents, custody may fall where you see one parent less than the other. Close relationships can be hard to maintain because of this, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Placing value on quality time with both parents is important.
Things that you can do to maintain a close relationship between both parents include:
Respect and value holidays
Spend time with both parents when possible
Divide time between parents in a healthy way
Reach out to both parents (call, text, etc.)
Divorces can later lead to re-marriage but with new spouses. Step-parents can even have children of their own that become step-siblings. Having a whole new addition to the family you’ve had for so long can be incredibly overwhelming. Developing positive relationships with this new family can make this huge life transition a lot easier. Whether you’re happy about it or not, your step-family is a part of your life now. Your step-family is not meant to “replace” your biological family. It helps to treat them as an addition to what you already have rather than a “replacement”.
Things that you can do to help you warm up to your new family includes:
Talk to your biological parent/sibling about them
Ask your step-family about themselves
Ask about family traditions and holidays
Offer and be open to bonding experiences
Communicate
Tip 3: Offer new things to do Together And Establish Traditions With Your Family
It can be hard and exhausting to constantly make new plans and find new things to do together. As stated in the last two tips, the little things matter. To get yourself and your family on the same page, establishing traditions can really help. Traditions are something that consistently keeps the people involved together. Holidays can be considered traditions. For those who celebrate Christmas, that’s every year at the same time - a tradition. More specifically, an example of a tradition could be having Christmas dinner at your Grandparent’s house every year.
If you want to spend even more time with your family than just once-a-year holidays, here are a few things you can suggest for more frequent traditions:
Cooking Nights
Game Nights
Watching a Sports Game Every Week/Going to Sports Games
Seasonal Camping Trips
Beach Days
Family Meetings
Movie Nights
Craft Nights
There are so many other things you can do that fit your schedule and your family’s schedule. You can even plan out specific traditions with one or two family members at a time. For example, you and your parents in particular can have spa days while you and your sibling can go for bike rides on the weekends. In the case of divorced/separated parents, dividing holidays and yearly events will become the standard.
Other than just the immediate household, step-parents can bring a whole new family with them. In this case, holidays and big events can start to get a bit confusing. After getting to know your step-parent and possible step-siblings, you can ask them about their family. You may not see that family very often, but it will help you adjust more if you know more about them. Attending holidays and family parties are great ways to get to know them better. In the end, you have your biological family to help you. You’re all adjusting at the same time which means you’re not alone.
Tip 4: Family Therapy
As stated in Tip 2, communication isn’t easy for everyone. We all communicate differently and some communication styles may clash. If communication is a struggle between you and a family member, and there seems to be feelings of distance, stubbornness, and misunderstanding, family therapy is always an option.
Family Therapy can address issues in the family including, but not limited to:
A difficult transition in life can be when your family dynamic seems to completely change. Recently, divorce has become a lot more common. Divorce has a lot less stigma attached to it nowadays. However, that doesn’t make the transition for parent and child any easier. Divorces can be messy and they don’t always end with the best circumstances for parent and child. When parents divorce, custody becomes not only a legal issue, but also an issue for the child. Basically, everything in their life seems to uproot itself. Divorces can be incredibly stressful but also traumatic. It can be extremely difficult for a child to adjust to the new ever changing environment around them. Family therapy will enable you and your family to focus and build upon your already existing strengths, rather than your weaknesses.
Check out our blog, “Everything You Need to Know About Divorce Counseling”, if you’d like to learn more.
It’s important to find what works best for your family dynamic. Family Therapy may not work right away, but it’s something that you can try if you feel you’ve exhausted your options to communicate more effectively with your family members. Before taking up family therapy, make sure to talk to your family member(s) about it. Inform them of what it can help with and why you want to try it. If your family member(s) know your intentions, it may help to open up their mind to the idea a bit more.
If you’d like to learn more about Family Counseling/Therapy check out this blog: How to Decide if Family Counseling is the Right Fit For You
Olivia Charletta
is studying Human Services with a concentration in Clinical Services at the University of Delaware. She’s a Junior and plans on getting her Master’s after she graduates and to learn more about children with psychological disabilities. In the future, she wants to work as a therapist who specializes in play therapy.
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